18underoneroof

a couple of pictures

2012-02-01T14:43:00.007-05:00

happy me after my workout...a major victory, even though it was a relatively wimpy workout. I REALLY wanted the nap!!!
Paul brought me home some flowers the other night for no particular reason. I think he loves me.
My lunch...raw spinach and some lettuce with a few raw green peppers and cucumber slices, chicken breast browned in olive oil with diced green peppers and red onions, topped with blueberry craisins and mixed nuts.
Jonny The School Skipper and Miss Camille
Miss Camille
Suzanne and Camille

Having Jonathan here today has been such a blessing! He and Camille took a trip to Jamaica, played Nerf, went to a restaurant and had chicken and pears and nuts, and Skittles when they "went to the movies", aka watched t.v. They went out back and tried out the swings, played on scooters in the driveway, and looked up the Strong National Museum of Play on the computer. Camille won't know what to do with herself tomorrow!

I am having a yogurt and some coffee, and have no idea what is for dinner tonight.

rainy gloomy day...

2012-02-01T09:03:00.002-05:00

I could SO go get back in bed this morning. Am I tired because I'm lazy, or am I lazy because I'm tired? In any case, my coffee cup is empty.

Mr. Jonathan pulled a fast one on me this morning. He was rather put out that Miss Sonja K. "got to skip" yesterday. He mentioned several times last evening that he should be able to today. No, not gonna happen, sir. So he got up this morning, got all ready like a good boy, I packed him two snacks so he could choose and save one for tomorrow...then when the bus came, he didn't go out the door.

Hmm...I could put in a movie for the two of them, Jonathan and Camille...and sneak in for a little snooze...

Why am I so tired?

Yesterday, Sonja K. and I, and Camille, went to Price-Chopper. My total before store discounts and coupons was $563 (uh-oh, I thought!), then $327 after coupons and discounts. I still thought that was REALLY high. ouch. The cashier asked if I shopped just once a month or something. ha. I wish.

It does get expensive to eat healthy. I only buy in season produce, but it adds up. Pears and apples and bananas and salad fixings cost more than chips and cookies. And the kids catch on: Paul and I eat good things, they eat more and more good things. The college kids pack lunches every day too. I know they will pay us back some day though.

We did go into Target again, but didn't spend very much. I got Joseph and Samuel each a nice pair of slippers for %70 off. I got myself a new shirt, some undies for the little girls. Charlotte Claire would not wear the undies this morning. No way. They are cute little Day Of The Week undies, and she would have nothing to do with them. I told her no one would see her undies, but she refused. rrr. She just does not like things that are "cute".

We left for our shopping trip a bit after noon yesterday, and got home at 4:30. (it is a long drive). On the way home, I told Sonja that I would love to go home and take a nap...it was rainy and chilly, and just a nap sort of day. Then I realized that although I had been shopping for a few hours and my knees hurt and my legs were tired, I hadn't exercised. I also realized that I had to go in and put the groceries away and make dinner. blah. I decided to exercise. After the groceries were all in, I had the kids help put them away, and I sneaked into my room for some push-ups, squats, light lifting, running in place, crunches. Just a half hour of getting my heart rate up, and it felt good. It is nice to make good choices once in a while.

For years, I fooled myself that going out shopping was exercise. ha, if it was I never would have gotten so heavy to begin with!

Paul and I watched the fourth episode of, "Downton Abbey" on the computer last night, in our room. He missed it because he was on his way home from Salem, I missed it because I had to pick him up from the airport. It was very cozy.

Perhaps I will feel more energized if I just go exercise...no, I want a nap...

random stuff....

2012-01-31T08:52:00.002-05:00

Wait, is it ever anything else? I had big plans today, blah, and they fell through. Camille and I were going to go with Kim (my sis-in-law) and her four year old son Sean to visit her daughter-in-law Allison and her daughter Meg. Kim texted that she doesn't feel well, so we are canceling. Camille doesn't know yet, she was so very excited. She doesn't go to very many people's houses.

As I sit here in my comfy chair and survey the damage, I wonder what I could do differently. The kids have left for school, and there is a trail. In days gone by, Before Blogging, I would have been zipping around and cleaning up first thing. Now, I sit here and type, knowing I have work to do. But I don't care, writing here helps me immensely. Helps me put things in perspective.

Imagine my surprise and delight to find out that Joseph did not have to go to work today, after dragging my lazy rear out of bed a half hour earlier than I otherwise needed to be up. I couldn't go back to bed, I had already gotten dressed and taken Rosie out. So I was nice and made French Toast for the kids' breakfast.

Bicker bicker bicker. These girls of mine, they can't resist getting in the last word. I stand there in my striped shirt with my whistle, saying things like, "Evelyn, just drop it. Margaret, don't answer that. Suzanne, don't get so mad, she didn't mean it." I tell them how much better it is to just be quiet than argue, how blessed it is to be a peacemaker (plus that peacemakers are the children of God),
but they still bicker. I tell them it does not matter if one is right or wrong, why try so hard to prove you are right? Who cares? Isn't it better to drop it and have peace?

So I have to go see a surgeon on Thursday. I do not know if he will recommend the removal of the gallbladder or not, but most likely. I realized that this means another setback in my Great Getting Into Shape Plan. I picture myself not being able to exercise, and eating too much...blah. But I am not going to be so negative, one day at a time here, I will not paint the whole future black. (although I have read many accounts of weight gain after this surgery. Dang!)

Sonja K. did not make it to school this fine morning. She has been wanting to stay home, I knew this was coming. Yesterday she dawdled and grumbled, and barely made it out the door, saying at the last minute before the bus came that her tummy hurt. Well, she had just eaten two bowls of Special K with Berries, she was NOT sick. So fast forward to today....same thing. All dressed and ready, and, "Mommy, I really don't feel well..." Fine, I said, go back to bed. Why did I give in today? Because I think she needs a day with me. Why would she want to stay home so badly? And that is the reason, yes I do realize, that she pulls this nonsense, because IT WORKS!

Instead of my usual oatmeal with peanutbutter this morning, I had blueberries and wholegrain French Toast. I microwaved the frozen berries, added a sprinkle of sugar, then added the French Toast on top. It was like a piece of blueberry pie.

Well...I am not able to concentrate anymore on this masterpiece of writing ...Mirielle is getting ready to leave for college, and we are chatting...

um, excuse me?

2012-01-30T09:14:00.002-05:00

Camille has full and total use of Jonathan's new scooter today, as she is the ONLY child home, and the weight limit on the scooter is 143 pounds, so I cannot get on it. Anyway, she doesn't quite steer it so well...and she just said, "This freakin' scooter won't go right!" I do not like that word, but it is everywhere, including in my older kids' mouths.

Paul is home. He went to visit Benjamin and Ashley while he was out west! He was in Oregon, so he just drove to Washington, it was three and a half hours each way. I am SO glad he went though.

It is nice to have him home, except for that I don't have the bed all to myself and I can't just read all night. And I have to back the vehicles into the driveway because he thinks that is smart to do in the winter so they don't get stuck backing out, which is smart, but still.

He came home very happy and all encouraged and fired up to be faithful in the daily life, happy from being with such good friends.

Tired, but happy.

I went to pick him up from the airport right in the middle of Downton Abbey, rrr, and it was terribly snowy out there. I do not like driving in the snow.

Okay....weight loss. ha. ha ha ha. I am in maintenance mode, and I am not done losing weight yet! I call this a "diet" out of defiance for the seemingly more currently favorable term, "lifestyle change", but it really IS a lifestyle change. Because I have changed my life - I exercise almost every day, do not pig out on cookies anymore, if I have any, it is just one. I stay away from breads and pastas and eat much smaller portions. So yay...except for that my body is nice and happy and comfy with the amount I am eating. And I am not finished losing weight yet! I still have a long way to go! I know I need to kick up the exercise a notch, and keep my hot little hand out of the chocolate chip bag...blah. I will not give up though! It is possible, and somehow I will figure it out.

I will say this though: I am getting SICK and TIRED of losing and gaining the same few pounds, this has been going on for weeks now. blah.

I had to get up at 6:15 this morning to drive Joseph over to my sister's house so he could catch a ride to work with my niece Claire. I shoveled a path across the deck and down the driveway, then shoveled out the end of the driveway. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I did not use proper shoveling technique, and my back is very tender, not smart.

If I wash those dishes and put that huge pile of bedding through the wash, will anyone thank me profusely? What if I also sweep these floors that I swept yesterday, and perhaps mop again?

If I exercise again this morning, will it make me lose one lousy ounce?

If I say NO to picking at the giant cookie pizza all decorated with candy that Camille made at Activity Club at church yesterday, will I get a prize?

Sometimes I feel like I just want to give up and eat a stack of cookies, crawl in bed and ignore all the stuff I have to do, and read a book.

Why do I always have to be the peacemaker and the one to humble myself, the mature one who doesn't answer harshly...why can't I just stomp off to MY room and slam the door and let everyone else take care of everything?

Because I am The Mom. This is my job. I am in it for the long haul, there is Giving My Two Week Notice, no I am in the middle of a huge never-ending job. Rewarding, yes, but honestly, sometimes so tiring. I am thankful that God gives wisdom to those who ask, and He strengthens the bruised and wavering reed.

That is the biggest mystery to me, how anyone can function without God's leading. When I am asked, "how do you DO it?" I think, "How do YOU DO IT, without God!!!?"

Okay...just got the call from the dr. office about my horrible gallbladder function test...the result: go see a surgeon. Ah, life is never dull.

just the usual morning routine...

2012-01-27T08:51:00.002-05:00

"Usual" for me is not the same "usual" it was a few years back, when I had baby after baby and was always sleep-deprived and struggled to keep track of things like spelling tests and school snacks and who had gym when and had to wear their sneakers on what day. Not too much has changed though.

Not as much as one would think.

I have more time, more sleep, so why the heck couldn't I find Jon's spelling words this morning? (and where are all the clean towels already?)

This morning...ugh. I have use of the minivan because Paul is away, all the way across the country. Joseph was going to drive it to work, then Mali called me, she has this eye infection...so I have to go to the Big city to pick her up from college, then take her to the Small city for a dr. appointment. I don't like driving the Big van to the Big city, so Joe got to take it to work. Not without stern admonitions from Mom to BE CAREFUL. That big van doesn't stop on a dime, and if he doesn't slow down enough before a turn, he will flip it. To make my worries worse, he doesn't have a cell phone, which wouldn't have been an issue a few years back, but these days...if one's child goes off driving somewhere without one, uh-oh!!! And, he is doing construction on a house all by himself. I told him if he got hurt to run to a neighbor's house...oh, the things I have to worry about.

Anyway, this morning. Jonathan got this cool new scooter yesterday at Target after we dropped Paul off at the airport. It was 70% off, and it is so cool. It is a Razor Powerwing, one doesn't have to push with the feet, just sort of wiggle and it goes! It is absolutely amazing to have in the house, it is silent, although the girls begging for turns is not silent. He really likes it and is glad he spent his Christmas money on it. Anyway, he was apparently taking it for a little spin around the livingroom this morning before school, with chocolate milk in his hand, and uh-oh, all over. I mean that milk FLEW. It covered my table next to my chair, dripped into the drawer we keep hair stuff in, down onto the power cord, splattered my computer, which thankfully didn't die....right when it happened, my niece texted and asked me to come help her with the baby twins because she had a rough night, and I had offered to come Any Time...well, blah, I couldn't come today because of Mali...anyway, I reminded her that Emily will be helping her today...and started cleaning up the milk. It was neat because I did not get upset about it, I stopped and thought before I yelled, and it had a good effect. Mr. Jon got a cloth to help clean it up, and apologized, and I told him it was okay it was an accident. He said, "no, I shouldn't have been drinking chocolate milk on the scooter." wow, bingo, that's right, Jon!

So off to school they went, leaving Miss Char the kindergartner here...she has had a long week, needs a day with Camille, plus she is a bit stuffy again.

We went to the library yesterday after Target. I had promised Evelyn, the Book Queen. She got a whole stack, and the little girls and Jon got quite a few too, which means I have More Things To Keep Track Of. I hate having to pay overdue fines, yesterday's damage was $4.70. I don't know why that makes me turn around and look to see who noticed what a slacker I am, there at the check-out desk. At least there were no lost books to worry about this time.

I got a book to read, just a silly snack-y romantic comedy type of book, the kind I love/hate. This one is actually quite entertaining, and it was nice to snuggle under my electric blanket last night and have the whole bed to myself and leave the light on as long as I wanted to, and read 'til I fell asleep. I read half the book, and could have finished it but I kept reminding myself that I have to drive to the Big city today, and don't want to be too tired.

Donuts. Yes, we stopped at the bakery. I had a bag of healthy snacks packed, and we so conveniently forgot to bring them with us. I had picked up a few kids from school, they were hungry. So, to the bakery we went. Donuts, fresh baked bread, pizza dough. yum. That whole place is a heavenly experience...smells so good...oh, the chocolate pies and danishes and cannoli, frosted cupcakes and half-moons...

I had half a lemon headlight. I stopped eating it at half. My mouth enjoyed it but my brain wouldn't stop yammering about how I shouldn't be eating it. So I put the rest back in the box. Then I started thinking about a peanut donut. How good it would taste. I had just a piece of one. Then a little taste of a cinnamon one. There were a dozen donuts, and I totally encouraged the kids to EAT THEM UP when we got home, and they did. phew. Why do I do this to myself? But that lemon headlight, the white frosting was so good, not too sweet, just right....

Well, my time to sit around and relax is done for now, I have two little girls to get fed and dressed and into the minivan for our drive to pick up Mali....

five second post..

2012-01-26T13:46:00.002-05:00

I have one half hour, just thirty minutes until I have to get back out the door again...so how do I spend it?

ha.

I had my gallbladder function test this morning, and let's just say that Ignorance Is Bliss. I am SO glad I didn't look it up on WebMd first. I thought it was a "scan". Well, I walked innocently into that room, took in the CAT scan machine, heard the technician say the lovely phrase, "insert your I.V.", and whoa. What? Then he said the word we all love to hear, "injection". But at least he didn't say my least favorite phrase, which is, "take your clothes off."

He was a good I.V. inserter, no pain there. But lying on my back for an hour and a half with that machine down over me, no no no. I had to think happy thoughts about lying on the beach in Jamaica to calm myself down. I have a horribly stuffy nose right now, so it was easy to imagine myself choking and dying. So...then the good part. The "injection" was inserted into the I.V., but....it was a hormone that simulated eating a cheeseburger! (I would have gladly just eaten the cheeseburger). The nice nurse (he was a guy nurse, and I wanted to tell him I have a son in nursing school, but I was feeling woozy) got that stuff going into my vein, telling me reassuringly that I would start feeling naseaus. Well, I thought I was going to die. Gonna barf all over, right there stuck on my back. It was awful. He said not to worry, I would not really throw up. How did he know, I wanted to know...but he was right.

Anyway, I survived the fasting, the going to the small city without coffee or oatmeal, and being stuck on my back for all that time. My nice sister brought me, and watched Camille in the waiting room watching Sesame Street. She brought me to McD's for a coffee, then we went to Kohl's to spend my $10 in Kohl's Cash that was going to expire on Saturday. I got: a gorgeous sweater for Camille, a mermaid nightlight for Camille, and some boots for myself, all for $14.24.

Home....swept, mopped, gave Camille lunch, and now I have to leave to pick up Jonathan and Charlotte Claire, who are going with me to bring Daddy to the airport...he is off to the West Coast for the weekend...

The bad part? What is near the airport? The best bakery in the world. I shall not go there. If I do go there, I will not eat a whole donut. If I do eat a whole donut, I will not eat dinner. blah.

mess and clutter?

2012-01-25T09:04:00.002-05:00

But I only put up pictures of the clean parts! ha. You should see my laundry room. Since I have been writing this blog, I cannot count the number of times I have gotten it all in order, and thought it would never get awful again. ha. hahaha.

My hallway upstairs. I didn't post a picture of that, either. Picture it though: an unseen laundry basket filled with some clothes the girls don't miss too much, and lots of extra comforters piled on top. We have issues with bedding, we have lots of extra blankets and comforters which is nice when someone needs clean stuff before theirs goes through the wash, but where do we keep it all? For years I had a stack of folded blankets and comforters in the end bedroom, but now Charlotte Claire and Camille have their bunkbeds, and it is a nice room, so the bedding ends up in the hall. In a perfect world, it would be folded on the laundry room shelves...one of these days.

I also didn't put pictures of my room. It isn't too bad, but my dresser is a clutter-attractor. Not Paul's, he is very neat with his stuff. I still have my big lavender Norwegian pram parked in there, with lots of stuff in it. Stuff I need, like clothes that don't fit me, and baby stuff I couldn't part with, and stuff I bought for birthdays, and my cupcake decorating sets...Paul asks every once and a while when I am going to get rid of the carriage, and I just look at him and ask, "Where would I put all my stuff?" He just shakes his head. He does not understand. I need to go through my clothes and weed out the things I no longer wear, one of these days.

I also didn't take a picture of the treadmill sticking out of the closet downstairs, because the girls wanted it in their room and it did not fit through their doorway. It was way too heavy to bring back up the stairs, and we already decided it wasn't good to have in the living room because with the wood floor it was just to echo-y and loud when anyone used it. Plus, it took up so much room.

I was thinking that maybe soon I would have another one of those temporary moments of insanity, and I will sneak around and take more pictures...but I imagine if I posted pics of their rooms I would be pretty much in Big Trouble.

They would get me back via facebook, I think.

I did love all the comments I got from yesterday's post. To be fair, the living room was relatively clean for those pictures. It gets really messy every day, and is picked up constantly. I have always liked the kids to be able to play where we all are, so they bring out the trucks and dolls and set things up...(I turned on the van radio the other night when I was picking the girls up from Susan's house...the radio host was citing a study that found: messy houses are good for kids. They need to have toys out, need to build forts and make things at the table, because imagination is really important for brain development. Video games and watching television are not good for them, (duh!), but having a house where they are encouraged to jump around and play pretend is. Did I already say DUH?!)

The shoes and boots...blah, there is work to do over there, too. Sorting time again! Kids keep growing, and I bet a million dollars if I were to take all these guys to any store with a shoe department, at least one of them would tell me their tale of woe, how small their shoes/sneakers/boots are getting....

Common sense would be to get rid of the too-small pair when one got a new pair, but common sense doesn't have younger siblings.

Throw snow pants and mittens and hats into the mix over by there by the door...and blah.

If I had a mudroom, I would be happy.

ha.

Anyway, enough about the mess.

There were days when it was hard to get a chance to run in and go pee, much less sort through things.

Paul said to me the other night, "You have lots of time." Yes, I do. Finally after all these years, I have time. Time to exercise and time to sit and put my feet up, time to put laundry away properly when the dryer buzzes. Time to play with Rosie and Kitty Kitten, which makes me feel guilty sometimes, knowing Paul is working hard to support us all. So I try to do my part to make life good for the family, like getting a healthy dinner on the table every night, making sure there are plenty of clean towels and matching socks, and keeping the floors clean. I try to make sure there is milk and fresh fruit. I try to look at my evolving role here at home as my job, so I don't slack off too much. Because I AM a slacker.

Yes, I have help from the kids but...they do not have as much time as I do when they are in school, especially the college kids. So I don't ask too much of them. The older ones do their own laundry, keep their rooms pretty clean, help clean up dinner, take the garbage out, and the bathrooms clean. Occasionally I will do a Chore List and get a lot done in a short period of time, but mostly I just plug away at things.

Joseph worked yesterday and again today for my nephew-in-law, who does renovation work. I had to get up at 6:15 and drive him to where he could catch a ride in to work, because the car he inherited from Abigail has bitten the dust. Too old, too expensive to fix. I would rather drive him over than have him take The Big Van, just in case I need to pick any sick kids up from school, plus it takes too much gas. Joe has all the credits and pre-requisites he needs for nursing school, so he is applying to go in the fall and is not in school right now. He did well in college, he got straight A's. So I hope he gets accepted into the nursing program.

Sitting here typing is fun and relaxing, but there is no shortage of things to do here. Camille is playing dollhouse, Rosie is napping, the college kids haven't left yet because they are doing evening clinicals. They are still sleeping. I won't bore with the details of what I plan to do today, but I hope to keep this in mind while I work: thankfulness. There is so much complaining in me. I don't want to fan those flames and turn into a huge nagging grumbler. Having so many people occupy one house is quite interesting. They aren't all total slobs, but just for instance: there are two cups on the computer table, two on the lamp table, a few tissues on the floor near the garbage can, coffee sloshed on the counter, cereal still out, a pair of socks on the floor, a towel on the couch, a hairbrush on the chair, someone's sweatshirt slung on a kitchen chair. If each child does one or two sloppy things, it adds up to a big mess. rrr. I do try to straighten them out, in a nice way of course, ha, but...

Tomorrow I have to go in to the hospital first thing in the morning, fasting, drink something fatty and yucky, and have a gallbladder function test done. Ca-ching. It is January and our new huge deductible hasn't been met yet, so we have to pay 100% of everything. With that in mind, I almost declined to have this test done, but decided that we will end up paying the deductible whether it is for this, or just for dr. visits, so I may as well find out what is wrong with me.

Tomorrow afternoon I have to take Paul to the airport, he is going to a church conference out west, in Oregon, until Sunday. I already have a list of kids wanting to go with me, and the clamor for getting to sleep on Daddy's side of the bed will soon follow. I hope Paul enjoys the break, sleeps well, finds "paleo" food to eat (meat, nuts, fruits, veggies), and comes home refreshed and encouraged to be happy and content and be saved in all the trials God so lovingly sends. And, that he hears just a little something about Loving One's Wife, ha. (seriously kidding, he is amazing to me, sometimes I see how I can be about things, and he never lets on that I am being witchy with a capital "B"....)

Now I have blabbed on enough...

in a temporary moment of insanity...

2012-01-24T13:31:00.022-05:00

I decided to post some pictures of what things really look like around here...like me, after I worked out.
the view of the back yard from the lunch table...nice, except for the taped screen.
The Shoe Organizer. We need like five more of these.

lots of coats and shoes
the desk I inherited from my mom...which I don't really like, but it reminds me of her.
This one was a lttle hard to post...because our water is very hard, leaving iron residue...we even have a filter on the 'fridge, so this water is better than what comes from the sink...and the top of the microwave, dang it needs to be cleaned off...when i looked at this picture I thought, "wow, someone has some work to do..."
This lovely college girl walked in while I was taking this picture, Miss Mirielle. She was thrilled about it.
my spotless kitchen with the dishes all caught up...with the Broken Cupboard in the corner. It has been broken for so long, we just put stuff in it, and refer to it as The Broken Cupboard.
we DO have a nice view out those awful windows...
dining room table with mismatched chairs...and my lunch, and Camille's Ariel doll
this shot highlights our nice window...Paul replaced one a few years back. He is going to finish the trim soon. I think. Under the window is the Mitten Bin, covered with coats that don't fit on the hooks. And that IS a huge bag of chocolate chips.
this is our Red Chair, primarily used by the princesses to look in the mirror. The crooked mirror with the handprints on it, next to the other sets of hand prints on the wall.
our coffee table as a movie/dvd player/Wii shelf...it is only temporary, we are getting a nice shelf one of these days. That's what I told myself..um, has it been over five years already?
this shows the rotting window frame AND the lack of trim on the wall where it meets the floor...we just put these floors in not too long ago! Three years maybe?
the Clothes Monster which ever lives on our couch
cozy living room
my comfy chair
the computer table next to Rosie's cage. Like the towel on the window keeping the heat in?
Charlotte Claire when she got home from school and announced that she had lost her third tooth. Slow down, please, Char. The toothfairy cannot keep up with this.

So why this insanity? Not just to embarrass myself, or the kids. But to say this: things do not have to be perfect in order to be happy. I don't like the way alot of things are around here, but has it killed me? Not yet. Of course I am ever hopeful we will get around to fixing and upgrading, and I will get more organized and clean up clutter. But my point is that while it is nice to be comfy and clean, the house doesn't have to be like out of a magazine in order to have a good life.

And I am not completely insane, there are no Laundry Room pictures.

I am not hungry. I keep telling myself this. Why in the world am I plagued with this urge to munch? Today I have had my nice breakfast of oatmeal with crunchy peanutbutter and blueberries, then an egg with bacon bits, and a grapefruit. Then a serving of veggie stix. I will have a yogurt with my coffee when the kids get home, then dinner. But I keep wanting to have something more, I am thinking of ice cream and cookies, or a big bowl of cereal. I am not hungry, so this is just a mental battle here. And no, I cannot just give in because....well, I gained three pounds! Since yesterday! No gradual gain, just WHAM, three pounds! No fair, no fair!!! The scale needs to go the OTHER WAY!! I am not going to go off the deep end about it, but I need to be careful, and careful does NOT include ice cream.

The kids are coming home soon, today was a strange day, writing in the afternoon instead of morning because Jerry The Cable Guy came to fix the internet. So off I go to make that coffee, and NOT have any Bad Things to eat...

happiness is...

2012-01-23T09:23:00.002-05:00

Cuddling Camille

Chatting with the college kids as they grab some breakfast and head out the door
(and, Aaron (20) showed me what he got Mirielle(21) for her birthday. He is such a nice kid to get his sister a present!

Being greeted by a purring Kitty Kitten in the morning. Kitty Kitten who already has food and water, just wants to be picked up and petted.

The way Rosie is ALWAYS so happy for a pat on the head.

Aaron took the trash out this morning without being asked, without me making any suggestions.

Watching Downton Abby with Paul and Mirielle and Evelyn and Suzanne last night.

Reading Allison's blog - she is so very encouraging!

Yesterday in the van on the way home from church, Paul asked Camille if she wanted a baby brother or sister, because she had held both twins, Sebastian and Linnea. The older kids in the van took this question as if Daddy was hinting at something, and they got all excited. This made me happy because of two things. One, Paul would LOVE to have another baby, he loved seeing Camille beaming holding those babies. Two, the kids' reactions...they would love another one too. It made me a tiny bit hopeful that perhaps it will miraculously happen. Even if it doesn't, it is nice everyone here has that respect and appreciation for life.

Talking to my sister. She is not only the funniest person I know, I can have fellowship with her. She knows that all things happen for her best, and no matter what, she seeks to please God in her trials. After a conversation with her, I know that I am not alone, and I am usually laughing my head off about something.

Mild weather in January. I have to go to the store, yet again, and it is only rainy because it is like forty degrees out.

Happiness is also that feeling of richness that comes with bringing lots of good stuff home from the store. I love having lots of apples and bananas and grapefruit and plenty of milk and bread...

Knowing what's for dinner is also very nice, but unfortunately today I have no clue yet.

Happiness is also knowing how to make good pizza. When the kids all thank me and praise the pizza, oh it is nice. Evelyn helped me make the Buffalo chicken pizza, she shredded the chicken breast and put it in the butter and hot sauce...I mixed some hot sauce with the pizza sauce, covered it with mozzarella cheese, then spread the chicken on top. I also added some chopped red onion. Yum. We also had a pepperoni pizza, a veggie pizza (green peppers, red onions, black olives), and an everything pizza (veggies plus pepperoni and bacon). We also had celery and baby carrots.

I have stew beef in the freezer, perhaps I will thaw that and make a nice beef stew.

Camille and I are going to get dressed and head to the store, I am also out of blueberries for my oatmeal. I am spoiled, yes.

lazy sunday afternoon

2012-01-22T16:49:00.009-05:00

Camille and Charlotte Claire

Charlotte Claire put this picture of Ben and Ashley in her frame on her dresser.
Miss America
General Thunder (aka Big Kitty) and Swanson (aka Kitty Kitten) snuggled together. Kitty Kitten is not afraid of anything, and was never daunted by General's hissing at her. Kitty Kitten likes to follow General around, and has finally won him over.
Evelyn helped Jonathan set up his train track.
Mr. Jonny making a sandwich.
the princesses in our spotless living room which never has toys in it.

Blah, I never exercised yesterday, but I redeemed myself and marched in my room and closed the door after getting home from church, after sweeping the floor and putting away a bunch of stuff. I put my sweatpants on, and for 25 minutes I walked/jogged in place/lifted 10 pound weights, did squats/leglifts while lying on my back/and today: 20 pushups! I listened to ABBA, and felt pretty darned good when I was done. Out here for coffee and a yogurt and reading the newspaper, life is good.

There are four pizza doughs on the kitchen counter and it is getting later, so off I go to make some yummy Sunday dinner...I shall only have a little taste, and have some chicken and salad. Ouch.

saturday

2012-01-21T11:25:00.002-05:00

Morning came too early, I was sleeping all snugly in my bed when Rosie-The-Bad dog starting doing those Let Me Out yips. rrr.

So my day started. I swept the floors, cleaned up the pee Rosie did when I came out and told her to be quiet. I cut up some grapefruit, which Charlotte Claire loves dipped in sugar. Camille wanted some sugar, so I told her only with grapefruit. She made a mess! Sugar all over her sleeper jammies, the table, the chair...I was busy making omelets with bacon and onions and green peppers and cheese.

Kathryn and Suzanne and Sonja just got back from a brisk walk down the road in the fifteen degree sunshine, Jonathan is playing Wii, the princesses are carrying Kitty Kitten around in a laundry basket with a blanket over it. More kids are getting up and wandering into the kitchen now, Mirielle is making another omelet.

Charlotte Claire lost a second tooth, and that dang forgetful toothfairy let her down again. I told her the one that comes on Saturday nights is better anyway.

As I sit here and glance around at the house, I wonder why in the heck the same things have to get done over and over again every day. I don't do it all myself, but I do have to ask kids to do things, assign chores, make sure things get done right, enforce that they even attempt to do what they are asked to do. I keep thinking that I am sick of it, but then I think of the verse, "let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not lose heart."(Gal. 6 v.9)

And I also remember when I had that horrible gallbladder attack, when I vowed that when I felt better I would never ever complain about anything ever again.

And then when I drove in the treacherous weather last week, again vowing that I would be SO GOOD if I made it home safely.

Why is it so hard to stick to these vows? Well, because I am full of sin. The good news is that being tempted is not the same as giving in, and I do not have to give in!

Speaking of giving in...the pie, oh the pie. It is gone now, and yes, I ate it. Not all of it, but I did have a nice piece with my afternoon coffee, and it was so so good. Pumpkin pie is one of the best things in the universe by far. I reasoned that there are three cups of sugar in four pies, and this last pie was a skimpy one, with only like an inch of filling. So besides the sugar, the other stuff is good, eggs and pumpkin and I used 1% milk, then spices. The crust though, ha, could I have just thrown that away? not a chance, I made it with part shortening and part butter, and it was flaky and yummy...blah.

So there is no pie in the house today. Nothing that overly tempts me. I shall behave today.

Our dinner last night was really good. Bone-in chicken breasts, roasted red potatoes, green beans, applesauce, and a big bowl of hot spinach for me, since I had only one very small potato. I skipped the dessert Paul brought home, peanutbutter chocolate chip cookies from Wegmans. I still felt too guilty about the pie.

I am down another pound, three days in a row, so that means it is official. So so slowly, this weight loss thing...but. But. I will stick with it. I did my exercise yesterday, and listen to this: I did eighteen pushups! More than that, there are three 4-minute sections of exercises, I some pushups in the first one, in the second set, and then 18 in the third set. Now these are not full all-the-way down pushups, I can only go down a few inches, ha, but they are not the girl ones, either. They are the regular guy ones, and I could not even do one of them a few months ago. I would lie on the floor and push with all my might, and could not get up. So I am happy with that little bit of progress.

Instant results, that's what I want. I have made up my mind, I want to be thin enough to ride a bike with Jonny, I want to wear a regular bathing suit, I want to go ice skating...NOW. Not down the road. I want to sit down without my muffin top showing up over the top of my waistband. It seemed impossible for years, so impossible I did not even attempt it. I would have dreams I was wearing a bathing suit and looked down at myself and thought, "wow, I didn't know I was so thin!" I have been a prisoner in my own body for a long time, just being released little by little in these last months. It is no fun being fat. Being invited to sit down, looking longingly at the offered chair, but declining, pretending one would rather stand...because who wants to test the strength of a chair? blah. Lots of reasons to lose weight besides just the blood pressure. I feel like it is a life and death matter to me, not just a vain endeavor. My mother suffered from breast cancer, diabetes and kidney failure, heart attacks and a triple bypass. In the end the diabetes robbed of her of her eyesight, her feet were necropic or however that is spelled, they were turning black from the diabetes. And she weighed way less than I do now! She was only 69 years old when she died, and that was after ten full years of kidney dialysis.

Anyway, today I shall behave. Thank you for all the kind uplifting comments, it really is nice for me when I check this blog and find them! I love knowing that "I am not the only one"....

writing from the heart

2012-01-20T09:16:00.002-05:00

I like to get comments on my blog. I like knowing people read it, it is satisfying. But I don't like that to influence what I write. I want to write what I want to write, whether anyone wants to read it or not. Does that make sense?

After yesterday's post about pie and weight loss, I wondered if I should have written about struggles that expose me so much, and possibly make me look like an idiot.

But the day I start censoring myself based on what impression I want to give about myself is the day I shall stop blogging.

Holding things back to protect a certain teenager, or not telling about a child's bedwetting problem, or an embarrassing incident at school is different.

It is amazing how easy it is to sit here and write when I am Not Caring What People Think Of Me.

That being said, today I feel lazy. I really wanted pie when I woke up, too. I had some yesterday afternoon, but I did only have a grapefruit and a handful of peanuts for lunch. And green beans with meat sauce for dinner. Anyway, there was pie still left this morning. So I did what any pie-loving mom would do: I asked the kids if they wanted pie for breakfast, and they did! Pumpkin pie and orange juice is pretty healthy, right? Problem was - they didn't finish it, and I had to throw the leftovers in the garbage. If you guessed that this was not easy for me, yes, you are right. If that makes me sound really crazy, so be it. But I did it, took one bite, and scraped those pie scraps right into the trash.

Now there is only one un-cut pie, and one piece left in the other pan. I will not eat it.

I did go to the store yesterday afternoon on the way to pick Paul up from work. I bought more grapefruit, it is so good this year. I also bought some Italian bread for dinner, still warm from the store bakery, which I only had one bite of, and some milk and the orange juice. I used to buy them orange juice all the time, but it isn't all that great for them, eating the fruit is better. And it is expensive. The good thing is that when we have it, they totally appreciate it. I had to give the lecture: remember guys, only have a small glass so that everyone gets some. No using those huge cups!

Camille is cuddled up to me in her kitty jammies. She is still so sweet and snuggly, I am really struggling that she is growing up so fast and probably going to kindergarten next year. Her chubby little face still captivates all of us, we reach out and pick her up and hug her and the boys call her, "Tiny One". When she gets hurt and cries and says, "I want you, Mama!", I am so pleased even when it is irritating. I know when they grow up they still want me, but...my arms are feeling empty.

Our church youth group is taking a trip to Israel in 2014! I want to go too! I am still young! Samuel is so very excited about this. There will be fundraising, yay. ha.

Today:

1. Gather and wash socks. Match them instead of just dumping them into the clean
sock basket.

2. Sweep floors, even though they were swept and mopped yesterday.

3. Figure out what is for dinner tonight.

4. Do my workout. Yes, it should be Number One on the list.

5. Pick three youngest kids up from school at 3:00, this saves them the usual hour
long bus ride.

6. Text Benjamin. We try to keep in touch each day, I talked to him last night and
he has had some Snow Days. Yes, Snow Days in the U.S. Army! Apparently the
Tacoma Washington area is not used to snow, especially eleven inches at a time,
so everything shut down. Unfortunately for Ben, two things happened...one, his
car slid into a curb which caused $6oo in damages which is not fixed yet because
roads not plowed, ect. Two, he and Ashley had planned to go to store before
snow hit but didn't, now have no car and not much food...they were going to walk
to the gas station last night for milk and bread....

7. Think about the kids, and pray for them, so that I can be a help to them and not
just a naggy mother, getting after them for stuff, but encouraging them to
choose the good. And also be a good example for them in my own conduct, which
is way harder than just telling them to be good.

8. Stay out of the pie, stay out of the pie...

what would we do without him?

2012-01-19T09:05:00.002-05:00

Paul is home, yay. He discovered this morning that the furnace didn't run last night, no wonder it was so cold in here. He fixed it. (the temp outside is in the teens, brr.)

Emily was here for her birthday last night, and mentioned that her washer hose was leaking. Paul jumped right up and got her some waterproof tape to fix it for now.

He always helps with Jon's homework..oops, when he wasn't here I kept forgetting about it...

We had a nice birthday here for Emily. I had her guess what the tent was, as I had forgotten and left it in the minivan. I told her it was something one uses outside, unless they are really wierd. She guessed "weedeater". She finally got it when I mentioned the Occupy Syracuse movement...

We had roasted lemon pepper marinated pork chops,baked basmati rice, broccoli, and applesauce. Dessert: pumpkin pie, which took a twice as long to make as I had thought it would. I also made the yummiest chocolate covered peanut butter balls...I mixed confectioners sugar with some crunchy peanut butter, then added a little creamy peanutbutter, some crunched up thin pretzel sticks, then dipped them in melted white chocolate bark with a few handfuls of chocolate chips mixed in..they were so good! I used the rest of the chocolate mixture to dip pretzels, then put it all out on a tray with three Ghiardelli chocolate bars and some chocolates I still had from after-Christmas clearance. I had two of the chocolate peanut-butter things, then slapped my hands and kept them out of stuff. I did have a little bit of pie too, yum.

There are still three pies here! Someone come over and eat them, please!!!!

It is rather quiet in here right now, Charlotte Claire is home from school because she is still blah, has a bit of a cold. She is awake, as is Camille, and they are in their room playing. Suzanne got up, talked me into letting her stay home (she is not doing ANYTHING today, she says), and went back to bed. Kitty Kitten is in her perch on the back of the couch looking out the window, and Rosie is snoozing in her cage, all content and tired from going out for a cold walk, coming in for her breakfast, chasing Kitty Kitten around for a while, and the stress of hearing the garbage truck at the curb and not being able to chase it and bark at it.

I do not think the furnace is running. It is freezing in here. blah. If I call Paul he will tell me what to do to fix it, I don't like doing things like that but I also don't like freezing. I COULD bake some cookies, that would warm it up in here and make my kids love me when they come in from school, but it would also torture the heck out of me. I just got a coffee refill, and saw those pies out there, oh dear me, how can one resist pumpkin pie? Maybe a small slice will be my lunch...

I read about the new advertising campaign in Georgia against childhood obesity. One line was, "Being Fat takes the fun out of being a kid.", which was read after a child was shown retreating to playing video games by himself after being teased by other kids for being fat. Wait, shouldn't the ad suggest it is HORRID to tease someone? Being fat does not give others a Free Pass to tease! The article I read was written by a woman who wrote a book about her daughter's battle with bulemia and anorexia, and she was troubled about the message this new ad sends to kids. Society has no tolerance for fat people. If a movie star gains a few pounds, (and still looks smashing to me), OH NO! Unacceptable! If a fat person stars in a movie, there is much to-do about their success despite being so large.

Yes, it is unhealthy to be fat. Diabetes, heart disease. My health is the first and foremost reason I finally decided Enough Was Enough. But honestly, now I am liking the idea of checking out of the most discriminated class of people in the world. And that makes me hate myself a bit! I am the same person, and when I lose another fifty pounds, I will still be the same.

Blah, I love food, love yummy stuff, love cooking it and serving it, yet I also crave feeling good and being able to move! I try to keep most of this to myself so that my kids aren't all messed up about it. I do have one daughter who struggles with some issues, I hope it isn't too much my fault.

One thing that I have recognized that is really neat is this: just because I am tempted to eat something does not mean I have to eat it. I get to choose. It is no one's fault if I overeat, it is not the food's fault for being there. I have the power to say NO.

Anyway, we all have our battles. It makes me really awake to how I relate to my daughters though, I don't want them to have self-esteem issues that seem to plague girls. I know that even though I have lost fifty pounds, I still think I look awful, look in the mirror and see a fat lady. I don't say this to my kids, of course, but I can relate to how they how critical they are of themselves (and they are so beautiful!). So I tell them how lovely they are. I tell them they are beautiful no matter what, they are gorgeous just the way they are. And of course the most important thing: it is the inside that counts, and that inner beauty radiates to the outside! All this other stuff is just fading and passing away. This part doesn't always comfort a twelve year old though!

Anyway anyway anyway...my coffee cup is almost empty, there are things to do and things to clean and straighten, and two sweet little girls to snuggle with and talk to...

my 27 year old daughter

2012-01-18T12:07:00.011-05:00

Emily on vacation in Jamaica
Emily 27, Abigail 25, Mali 17, and Mirielle 21
Emily and Mali, Mirielle and Abigail in the back
pretending to be sick
coloring at one of the restaurants in Jamaica
Emily
We wanna eat! (Em, Mol, please do not kill me for posting this. I think it highlights how much fun you guys had down there...)
Mali and Emily

Mali Rose, Emily-the-Birthday Girl, and Mirielle..(in Jamaica)

Here are some things about my dear daughter Emily...

1. She knew how to tell time when she was four. She could read in kindergarten.

2. She stopped taking naps when she was very small, reading piles of books quietly while the littler ones (and I) slept.

3. She knows everything about everything.

4. She does not act like she knows everything.

5. Her beauty comes from within, yet also from without.

6. The outings she takes the younger kids on are the stuff kids' dreams are made
of: walking in the river, hiking to the falls, going to the big nice library
without stopping at the store too...

7. In her growing up years here she could often be found out in a tree reading a
book.

8. She graduated third in her high school class, spent 6 months on the west coast
build the church conference center there, then spent a year in Norway before
going to nursing school.

9. She has been to India and England and Italy and Germany. And Jamaica.

10. She is only 19 years younger than me, so we are going to be in a nursing home ' together some day. Actually, she told me she would never put me in a home.
That alone makes her a good daughter, right?

11. I admire and respect and am thankful that she has chosen the straight and
narrow.

voices in the night

2012-01-18T11:20:00.002-05:00

When a mom is awakened in the night by the simple shriek of, "Mommy! Mommy!", the mom can have a whole slew of thoughts cross her mind. Foremost for me last night when Charlotte Claire called me at 4 a.m. was, "Please, not throw-up.", followed by, "I hope she didn't wet the bed." So imagine my surprise and delight when it was only, "Mommy, my eye hurts and I need a tissue." In my kindest voice I suggested that her eye will feel much better is she closes it, and brought her a big piece of toilet paper since it was closer than the tissues. I then suggested that she let Mommy sleep, gave her a hug and shuffled back to bed.

The thing is, last night I watched the news, which forecast such dire weather and possible power outages because of extremely high winds. We gathered up flashlights and battery candles, which cause Mr. Jonathan much anxiety. After all the kids went to bed, I found myself reluctant to go to bed too, like I was standing guard or something. Paul is in Ohio, and one of the kids actually asked me if I was scared to sleep in a room all alone (a foreign concept for them!). Well I wasn't scared until they asked that. And I wasn't really scared, just...well, just scared.

My sleep wasn't the best, although I usually don't mind having the big bed all to myself, not being nudged for snoring. Anyway, I really thought there would be a Snow Day or at least a Delay, but no, nothing. blah. So I did what any lazy mom would do, I talked to the first trip kids, and decided not to send the three younger, and went back to my warm bed. I was already keeping Miss Char home because she had a low-grade fever last night, and was just blah.

So I got a few extra hours of sleep, and have a pounding headache that wasn't helped by having to go outside in the cold wind with Rosie-The-Bad-Dog.

But I have my oatmeal and my coffee, Jon and Sonja are playing Wii, Evelyn, who stayed home because she didn't feel well, ha, is playing Barbies with Charlotte Claire and Camille. We are planning on cleaning up the house a little later and baking something yummy because today is EMILY ANNE'S 27th birthday! Is it possible that I am the mom to a 27 year old woman?

Yesterday I made Mr. Joseph, 20, go shopping with me. He so nicely agreed to go, even though he hates shopping. I let him drive, even though I hate when the kids drive. Camille happily went along with her Ariel doll. First Target, for Emily's birthday presents. I got her a nice new coat for only $20, and a Coleman tent for half off. If she reads this today she will ruin the surprise, oh well. I also got a set of two fake Barbies with clothes and shoes for Camille, marked down to $3. Well, the dolls look like they have been to war, no limbs left. One of the dresses ripped already. I thought of the poor little girls who got them for Christmas, and the parents who paid the full ten bucks. Target should not sell such junk! I am thinking of gathering the pieces and returning them or at least sending them an email.

Anyway, next we went to Kohl's, where I got Joseph jeans and a hoodie, jeans for Mirielle and Mali and Suzanne, boots for Sonja and Charlotte Claire, two pair of sneakers for Jonathan, one of which is too small, a kindergarten sweater for Camille, and I can't remember what else.

Then to Price Chopper for grapefruit and apples and pears and bananas and romaine and lemons and yogurt and kitty food and detergent and milk and blueberry muffins, which were $4.49 for 12 huge muffins, and which are torturing me this very moment. I will NOT have one.

The girls (Ev, Char, Camille) just trooped in here all dressed up in heels and pretty dresses to tell me they are playing Packed Suitcase Hotel. And that they really packed suitcases. Oh joy, will they possibly unpack them and put the clothes back in the right places?

So Paul is coming home tonight and once again absence has made the heart grown fonder, if he keeps leaving I will love him so much it won't be funny.

It is nice though, to still be in love.

If you are reading this and you are married, don't take it for granted. Relationships have to be be tended to, and husbands need to be a bit spoiled and respected and know they are wanted. If you are not married, do not marry anyone who doesn't respect his mother because if he doesn't respect his mother, he will not respect you...at least that is what my mother always said.

It is getting that time in my post when I am just writing what ever comes into my head, wait, I do that from the first line...but I have things to do, and I haven't checked Facebook yet. ha.

quiet house...for a few hours anyway...

2012-01-17T09:44:00.002-05:00

Miss Camille is having a cupcake for breakfast. Jonathan did not want the one we brought him home from the baby shower the other night, so he gave it to Camille, and the girls babysitting her wouldn't let her have it before bed last night, so they left a note on the kitchen table to make sure no one ate it, and she was allowed to eat it for breakfast.

They did fine without me yesterday. Abigail couldn't work Dome because of her knee, so she bought some pizzas and helped here with dinner. She also brought caramel and chocolate syrup for Suzanne's new latte machine, an early birthday present. These guys love making hot drinks, we go through green tea and Chai tea, and coffee and cocoa so fast!

The game was good, Syracuse won again, they are 20 and 0! We get to the stand a few hours before the game starts and make pizzas, prepare the soft pretzels, and make nacho trays. Then we get to take a break, and that's when I usually have my Cookiewich. This time I split it with Audrey, all the yumminess with just half the guilt! We sat down near the floor and watched some of the players warm up. There was a huge noisy crowd, very busy. My niece Audrey and I took turns being cashier and filling drink orders. Five of my older kids were there too, how lucky am I?

Just getting to the Dome is fun. Joseph was the driver of the minivan with Samuel as co-pilot. Emily and I sat in the middle seats, then three of my sister's seven daughters were in the back, Janet, Ellen, and Audrey. We stopped at the DunkinDonuts' drivethrough, and everyone made Joseph ask if it was Free Donut Day. It wasn't. We ordered our drinks, and after each one the lady was like, "Is that all?", and Joe would say, "No, there is one more..." Then he pulled up to the pick-up window too far away....and she forgot one of the coffees, then he handed her back two of the drinks and asked for whipped cream...the line behind us was huge, and that for some reason was hysterically funny. Sometimes I forget that I am OLD.

All the kids went to school today. Mirielle, Aaron and Mali started back to nursing school today. Joseph is starting in the fall, and since he already has finished a year of college with all his pre-recs done, he is home. He is supposed to be finding a job...

I am cold. I wish we had a woodburning stove or a fireplace in the living room, to make it warm and toasty. We have a combination oil/woodburning furnace downstairs - which is nice, we can make a fire in it when oil is low, but the heat rises and heats it only up here, the downstairs is cold and the upstairs is not as cold...when there is a roaring fire it gets warm. There is no roaring fire today. I just ordered 150 gallons of oil, so that should get us through the rest of the winter...

Winter is nice when one can stay in the house. Winter is not nice when one is out of milk and yogurt and fresh fruit and salad fixings. Tomorrow is supposed to be freezing wintry cold again, so it looks like today is the day for going out...blah.

Winter is also not nice when one has EIGHT children who can drive. Now, Samuel and Mali only have their learner's permits, but still. And, to be fair, Benjamin is in Washington state, not here in the snowbelt, but still. I won't even get into my worries about Mr. Ben, who is heading to Afghanistan with the mortar brigade. blah. I won't worry about him, I will not worry, he is still safe and sound here, and God has always had His hand on Benjamin.

Anyway, having my two oldest girls work in the big city and driving in what is sometimes absolutely treacherous weather, oh I have to work on not being anxious.

And Paul is in Ohio, hopefully he will have good traveling weather for coming home in tomorrow.

Dang, I should have kept Sonja or Suze home today to go to the store with me.

I would rather go during the day than leave them after school, after being gone for so long yesterday. See me trying to talk myself into going out today? Hmm, we can live without milk, right?

Okay, the diet/lifestyle thing. My plague, my joy, my obsession...I eat WAY less than I did when I finally put my foot down and changed my slothful ways. And here I am, stuck again. Just eating carefully and exercising every day, and not losing a pound! That would be marvelous if I just had the fifty pounds to lose, but I am still very heavy and need to lose at least fifty more. Right now I would be happy to lose five more! I need to rev it up again, yet I don't want to cut calories more and be in the situation where if I so much as eat a piece of bread I will gain a pound. So more exercise it is...along with keeping my hands off candy and chocolate, which I am getting much better at. Why can't determination itself just burn calories?

Right now I shall go and put in a load of towels, pick up a few things, wash some dishes, do a quick work out, then bring Camille to the store. Sounds easy, right?

"my whole entire dream was about those babies"

2012-01-16T08:55:00.002-05:00

Sonja K. dreamed about Susan and Thomas' babies last night. That's because she was lucky enough to be invited to Katie's baby shower last evening and because Susan is so kind and share-y, she lets the girls hold those tiny little twins. Sonja has spoken of nothing else, and cannot wait to see them again. Since my cold is finally cleared up, I held them yesterday too, and I fell totally and deeply in love with both of them, they are so sweet.

The baby shower was the best ever. No stupid games, but we went around the circle and each of us could tell about a special moment as a Mom, a moment that makes all the tiredness and work worth it.

One mom told a story of when she was locked out of the house with several small children, they checked all the windows, then one of the kids suggested they pray. The mom was not convinced this would work, because those windows were locked. But they prayed, and sure enough, one of the windows opened and they were able to get into the house.

Another mom told how her little daughter just started talking and the first time she said, "I love you" to her Mama, she said, "I ruv you", like ScoopyDoo.

One mom said just sneaking into her son's room and seeing him sleep, so peaceful and innocent, is joy for her.

I remembered when Benjamin was born: The rush of love and affection I felt when I first held him was shocking. I had been preparing myself for the work of another baby, and somewhere along the line I had forgotten that I was actually going to have another baby! I forgot how much I would love him to pieces! I never forgot that again,in subsequent pregnancies this feeling was foremost in my mind.

One mom, who has seven children, said her favorite thing ever in the whole world was to cuddle on the couch with the babies. Nothing ever could beat that for her.

Older siblings also had moments, as did Aunties. Margaret remembered when Camille was small and was fascinated by looking at herself in the mirror. One day Miss Camille kept saying to the mirror, "You are beautiful. You are beautiful." She noticed Margaret watching her, turned around and said to Marg, "You're pretty too."

Mirielle said she loves how there are so many kids in our family yet they are all so different. It fascinates her.

Ellen, one of my sister's girls, said she loved how her nephew William hugged her and told her he missed her when she got back from a recent trip to Ottowa.

Lots of stories. There was such a good spirit there, and it made me pretty thankful to be in our church, were the babies and the children are welcomed and wanted and appreciated.

Katie is due soon, and she looks fantastic. She is still small everywhere, just a huge basketball of a baby. She suffers from Crohn's disease, so this pregnancy is no picnic for her, but she is taking it well, and is of course thrilled to be having him. (she is a childhood cancer survivor, and she is my hero. She is more amazing than she knows, and I am proud of her)

The food last night was super yummy. Veggies and pepperoni and cheese and crackers (I just had some pepperoni), hot cream of broccoli soup which totally hit the spot since it was like zero degrees out, warm baguettes, which I only tasted, and yogurt with strawberries and blueberries and granola. YUM! Since the yogurt was so good and satisfying, I was able to forego the delicious looking cupcakes that Cheryl made, without suffering too much.

This morning I had to get up and drive Paul to work. No fair, another day off from school that I had to get up anyway. Friday the kids had a snowday and I had to go to that sonogram. Anyway, I had myself convinced that coming home and going back to bed was the best plan, but by the time I got home, I changed my mind. A little quiet time before the kids got up sounded good by then. Didn't work, but that's okay. I figure I am already up, why have to get up all over again?

Paul is going to Ohio for a few days for work. Wah. And today is another basketball game at the Carrier Dome. Syracuse is now 19-0! I am hoping to sneak in a few minutes of game-watching in the second half when things slow down at the concession stand. I love college basketball.

Am I losing any weight these days? Nope. Staying the same same same. My morning walk is now pretty much phased out, just a short walk down the road with Rosie. I do my other exercise every day, but it is not enough, I guess. blah. I am trying to be really careful and aware of everything I put in my mouth, and it could be better, but it could be worse. I think I need to jump start things by going on the treadmill, but not today. Today I am going to the Dome, and there are STAIRS. Lots of them. The Dome is up on a hill. An evil hill, probably the EVILIST. The nice thing is that it does not kill me, yet it is challenging.

And the thing about the Dome is this: Cookiewich. Can one be in love with Cookiewiches? Because just the thought of one makes my heart pound...

Things that made me cry already today, and it is only 9:30-ish...

1. Saying goodbye to Paul. He shaved on the way to work and I find that so attractive. I did not want him to get out and say goodbye. wah.

2. I read the morning paper, including the obituaries, and one Mrs. Marie Scott passed away at 87 years old. She was the youngest of 16 children. Wah! She lived through the passing of her parents, and all her siblings! Too sad. (yes, I pictured Camille)

3. Thinking about Christina who lost her twins.

Things that warmed my heart already today...

1. Mr. Jonathan. He is so grown-up and sweet, he charged my phone for me.

2. Sonja K. talking about those babies.

3. Camille's cuddles.

4. The three youngest kids' reactions to the cupcakes we brought home for them.

5. Charlotte Claire and her excitement to be home from school today and play dollhouse.

6. Stupid dum-dum Rosie and her extreme gladness to see me this morning.

7. Texting Janet, one of my sister's girls...I am old, but we are friends. Sorry Jan, writing that on here probably embarrassed you. ha.

And now I shall enjoy some time with these guys before I have to get ready for the Dome...

coziest of days

2012-01-14T17:27:00.002-05:00

What could be more cozy that a 15 degree winter day in a warm house with lots of kids? Add in two lasagnas baking in the oven, and snow falling outside, and yes, it is nice.

Abigail did not go to the Carrier Dome today to work concessions, Paul and Mirielle and Joseph and Aaron went. Abigail has a bad knee, so she is taking a break from working at the Dome. So she decided to make us some lasagna. It is starting to smell yummy in here.

So everything is good. No trials here at all, ha. No teenagers who think they know everything, and the house is spotless. No kids with too much energy.

Tomorrow is the baby shower for my niece Katie. The newborn twins will be there, and I want to hold them.

I cannot for the life of me think of anything interesting to say. I do know that life is interesting, there is never a shortage of sin to see in myself. I am wondering what the story is with my gallbladder, I am feeling lots of twinges of pain lately, and am dreading another attack. I am dreading what the doctor will say, no matter how "easy" the new surgeries are, it is still Hospital and still Surgery. And what if the dr. says everything is fine and I know it isn't? Blah, all the "what-ifs".....Now there is nothing wrong in all this except for when it leads to anxiety...the thoughts that go farther than they need to, the worry that kicks in. I tell myself to just drop it, to cross the bridges when I come to them. God has not given a spirit of fear, as it is written in Timothy. So here I am, just Wanting To Know. Yet having to wait.

Christina is in my thoughts and prayers very much these last days, her sonogram showed no heartbeats in those identical twins. I do not know her In Real Life, yet I know her, and I feel so bad for her right now. As much as we trust God in sending the babies, it is still real and painful and sorrowful to lose them. I am praying for her that she takes time to grieve and heal and that she is not afraid to cry.

snowday!!!

2012-01-13T10:35:00.002-05:00

Snow snow snow!!! Deep and drifting and blowing and cold! I don't know this from just looking out the windows this morning, no, I had to venture out in it for my gallbladder sono. I was tempted to cancel, but decided not to because the kids are going back to college next week, and it will get tricky to get someone to get the kids on the bus and watch Camille...so out I went.

Let me say first that I had a terrible headache. It could have been from going out in the wind to walk Rosie, or going without coffee because I had to fast for this test, or just sinuses, I don't know. But it was pounding. And the roads were terrible! Guesswork just to decide where to drive, and slippery because it started out raining, and the bottom snow was slushy, and it was getting colder out...anyway, this time I didn't have a hard time parking, I just went to the top of the garage and parked in the snow, it wasn't plowed yet. I then sneaked one ibuprofen, I mean "nothing by mouth after midnight" is all fine and dandy, but my head was pounding.

I lived through the sonogram, it was quick. Then to the snowy car I went...popped the trunk, and YES!!! there was still a bottle of Diet Sierra Mist in there! I took two more ibuprofen, and ate a few bites of a Balance bar...and I was ready to run into the grocery store for bread and milk...

The ride home was worse than the ride there....I prayed for safety, and I told God that if I made it home safely, I would be good! Then I walked in and...blah, forgot that pretty fast when I saw the girls had made fried potatoes for breakfast and didn't even rinse their ketchup plates...ect, ect....but I remembered again, and this will be a good day. I brought them chocolate donut holes, and did not have one with my coffee, just a light yogurt with sprinkles and a few chocolate chips.

And now we shall have a good snow day...perhaps we will bake cookies, ahh, the torture!!!

pictures

2012-01-12T13:42:00.007-05:00

Kitty pajamas and Kitty Kitten
Jonathan Robert
Sonja did not want to go to school...
Charlotte Claire lost her first tooth!

Camille playing house.

what? no medal? no congrats?

2012-01-12T08:51:00.002-05:00

All these months I thought when I went into the doctor...he would be so happy about the weight I lost! ha., he didn't even notice. I think he was so relieved to have a patient with a clear cut diagnosis, he ordered some bloodwork, a sonogram of the right upper abdominal quadrant, and sent me on my way. I didn't even get a chance to tell him that my ears have been clogged and my cold is still hanging around after three weeks. hmpf. I need to get more assertive. After I was ushered out the door and waiting to get blood drawn, I was tempted to walk back in and say, "I was not finished here!" But I behaved myself.

Getting to the doctor yesterday was quite an adventure. Not like the old days when I had four preschoolers and a nursing baby in the waiting room with perhaps my sister and a few of her kids, or an older kid skipping school, or my mom...maybe Paul...once years ago when I had strep throat I brought my newborn right into the exam room with me and held her while the dr checked me out. He was not thrilled, I did not think it was a big deal. I did not like him anyway, he thought I was foolish to have so many kids and didn't hesitate to tell me so. He could not understand for the life of him why I would be interested in getting in shape yet be open for more babies. I switched doctors.

Anyway, Camille wanted to go with me yesterday. She planted herself outside the bathroom door while I showered, she did not stop pleading the whole time. She was saying things like, "Please don't leave me with Mirielle, please don't. How would you like it if YOU were the little girl and I was the Mama, and I was leaving YOU home. If you bring me I will be very good. I can get ready fast. Please don't leave me. I love you and hate when you leave." This went on and on. She was pretty hysterical by the time I unlocked the door and came out. I almost caved, almost asked Mirielle to quick get her ready.

Anyway, I got into the big van, and: hardly any gas! I was running late, as per usual, so I couldn't stop. I drove to the small city, tried to find a spot on the street to avoid the parking garage...this is a whole book in itself, trying to park a 15 passenger van in a parking garage. Mine is a Chevy Express, which has a longer wheelbase than a normal 15 passenger, which I thought was wonderful before I owned one and actually tried to park it. Anyway, I found a spot, and had to back out and pull in like five times with four cars lined up behind me, wondering if I was vacating the spot...with the low-gas warning light beeping and flashing...

I couldn't help but wonder during my brief dr. visit whether I would have enough gas to get to the gas station, but I did. (gas prices are creeping back up, it was $40 for only half a tank!)

I took the opportunity to sneak to the grocery store all by my lonesome. Just milk and stuff for salad and a bag of Kibbles for Rosie. I find myself so open for the possibility of a treat when I go into Wegmans. I smell the donuts and the muffins, which I do not eat anymore so I don't even look, I saw a lady with a package of cookies and thought, "she has cookies, and she is thin, no fair!" Anyway, I bought a pre-cooked rotisserie chicken for a treat. Camille and I had it for lunch at home, with some veggie sticks and grapefruit.

Mirielle said that Camille stopped fussing as soon as I left and was fine the whole time I was gone.

Sonja, Jonathan, and I cleaned their room thoroughly. Sorted and sorted and tossed and put away a bag of stuff, "for the poor kids". I let Jon decide what to keep, he did a great job of letting go of things. I kept reassuring him that it would be nice when he had just the things he really liked. See, he inherited the toys from his brothers, so he had all these transformers and Legos and trucks..he kept some of them, and all the Legos, but now there are no stray Lego blocks mixed in with other things. It is all neat and organized, and yes, I do believe this time it will stay this way. ha, how many times have I believed that one?

It is January, and it is raining out! Not to worry though, the snow is coming! Actually, it looks like rain mixed with snow. It will be getting colder tomorrow, snow Saturday with cold and wind, and below zero on Sunday.

I think I need to get on the dreadmill today for a bit since my walks have been reduced to cheat-y little ten minute outings. I have been doing my 12 minute Pace workouts, but ha, I cannot do all the things. Mirielle did it with me yesterday and we collapsed on the floor laughing when we were supposed to do these impossible things where one gets into the push-up position and alternates extending one arm while supporting oneself with the other arm. ha. I consider it an accomplishment just to get myself into the push-up position. We got our acts together and finished the workout. She said if it was her she would do that like five times. That is why I am fat and she is not, I was beat. Just the fact that I actually went home and exercised was a big accomplishment for me, a victory over my sluggish mentality, which suggested all the way home that it was a good day for a nap.

My nap. I did try one later, it was a huge unfunny joke. First Paul texted me. Then I fell totally asleep, and one minute later he texted again. Answered him, cuddled Camille who was touching my face and squirming, fell asleep again. He called me...see, Joseph and Mirielle were getting rid of one of the cars that no longer drives very well, bringing it to Pick and Pull...blah, details, but suffice to say there is no rest for the wicked. Then Camille fell asleep, the first trip bus came, doors were slamming, kids laughing, I just got up and had coffee and chocolate. Yes, chocolate is the only consolation for a Crappy Nap, pardon my French.

And here I am...getting tired of trying to eat right and exercise, just want to crawl back into bed and feel sorry for myself. But I won't, not today anyway. Camille is all warm in her froggy jammas, and the college kids are snoozing still.

I have to decide what job I want to tackle today (clean out a closet? Sort some clothes? blah)

Miss Froggy Jams is asking for more Trix....

going to the doctor....

2012-01-11T08:39:00.002-05:00

blah. I have to be out the door in just a half hour, and still have to shower, so why am I sitting here writing this? Camille is snuggled up to me with the entire huge comforter from her bed wrapped around her, how does the doctor expect me to extricate myself from her and get in the shower on this 27 degree morning?

She wants to go with me. I told her to go wake Mirielle and if she will go too, she can go.

My organization and decluttering plans were derailed yesterday. Mali wanted to go order her scrubs for nursing school, and get some school supplies. I am nice, so I offered to pay for the scrubs for her birthday present, which isn't until March, so I reminded her not to forget when it rolls around that Mom got her something really nice: a lab coat, two tops, and a pair of scrub cargo pants. We then headed to the mall so I could return the two shirts that Joseph and Samuel did not like from Old Navy. Sam actually laughed at the one I picked out for him, I give up. I returned them and found some slippers for Mirielle and Suzanne, a shirt for Sonja, and some $1.47 capris that fit no one so far.

Mali and Aaron watched Camille in the play area while I quickly checked out Sears...I got myself a few skirts in smaller sizes, for motivation. Cheap, of course.

We had to hurry home because in my dawdling I had forgotten that the kids were going to the calling hours for the young man down the road from us. Aaron, Mali, Samuel, Margaret and Evelyn went. They just gave the mom a big hug, shook hands with the dad, and came home. I told them it was the least they could do. So so sad. They were pretty teary-eyed and sober when they came in the door.

Well, lots to write about but no time....have to take the shower and go to the Dreaded Doctor. What if his scale is broken and I weigh more than I did last time I went there? It is out in the hallway, the scale, I hate that! Can you shout that number a little louder, Miss Skinny Nurse, I don't think the people in the back row quite heard you!

i wish...

2012-01-10T09:18:00.002-05:00

I wish I could announce that I am pregnant. But I'm not. I wish I could announce that I have lost another five pounds. But I didn't. I wish I could say that my whole house is clean, ha. That my laundry is caught up. Nah. That I have made all the phone calls I have been procrastinating...

But I can say this: I am happy. Happy to be a Mom. Even though I don't always get the respect I think I deserve from my teenagers, or the appreciation I think I should get for all I do around here. Yes, it is a Thankless Job, but someone has to do it. Not really though. The rewards are plentiful...

I made French Toast for the kids yesterday morning, turning the dark cold kitchen into a fragrant cold kitchen. ha. I really like doing things for them that they like. Last night, for example, my girls were home from Jamaica...they stopped here to pick up Emily's car, and to empty the one big suitcase they shared ($25 for checked baggage, they just brought carry-ons and shared one bag for things like shampoo and sunscreen and sneakers)Anyway, Emily is working a 16 hour shift today, and won't be going grocery shopping 'til tomorrow, so I stocked them up on some stuff to last a few days...then they got home and discovered their landlord had totally ripped out their shower...uh-oh, Abigail really needed a shower before work...she came over this morning to take one, and I made her toast and tea....

Anyway, I like being good to my kids. It is rewarding. It is also rewarding to see what wonderful adults they are growing into. The Jamaica trip girls had a really really good time. I was hoping they would, because I am the one who recommended they go there. I was half afraid they would get there and think it was a dump or be bored or have awful food. But I needn't have worried, they loved relaxing on the beach, going out to dinner, and eating lots of fruits and veggies at every meal. And of course Jerk Chicken. They looked wonderful as they walked to the van from the airport, all tanned and laughing. They were hesitant, because they feared I had the camera, then they remembered that THEY had my camera, so they were fine.

So they had fun. (Mali went up to the room for something and the elevator got stuck between floors. She was on the elevator with five Jamaican guys, who kept telling her not to worry, Princess.) They read and rested and relaxed and probably missed me, ha.

The calling hours for the young boy down the road who passed away last week are this afternoon. Sam was friends with him, but is hesitant to go today because he says he doesn't know if he can handle it. Who can? I can't think of a more painful thing for a family to go through. I won't make Sam go, and I will go with him if he wants, encouraging him that it is for the family, to let them know that their son, their brother, mattered. They aren't going to stand there by his casket, wondering if we really knew him enough to be there.

Tomorrow morning I go to the doctor for my gallbladder complaint. I haven't had any more pain or symptoms at all, so perhaps I passed a stone and now everything is now fine and dandy and getting it checked out is just a huge waste of time and money.

Rosie escaped with the first trip kids and barked at the bus like a crazy dog, but came right to me when I went out to get her, ran muddy paws across the floor into her cage, rrr, anyone want a sheepdog? She gets so absolutely dirty all the time! She has all that fur, and it gets so stinky when she goes out in the cold, the oils come out, and yuck! She loves to slosh through the ditches and get burrs in her fur, and roll in stuff. She gets baths about every two-three weeks. Why didn't I just get a regular normal dog? She is SO high-maintenance. Good thing she's cute.

I am getting myself motivated to clean things out around here. Get rid of the excess. I talked to Jonathan when I tucked him in last night, and he seems open to sorting through his toys. This is a huge step for him, he has always wanted to keep everything, literally freaking out if I threw away a broken truck. I need to sort through my clothes, 90% of them don't fit anymore. I want to clean closets, and get rid of clothes that Camille has grown out of. I know I can't do it all in one day, but today I will start. Because less is more, right? Instead of just wishing I had a cleaner house, I should just clean my house, right? And that starts with getting out of this chair...

downton abbey

2012-01-09T08:58:00.003-05:00

Each day has the Big Important Things That Need To Get Done. Today, that includes washing lots of bedding, going to Walmart to get some plastic mattress protectors that Target did not have, and then in the evening, going to the airport to pick up four rested and suntanned girls.

In between those Important Things I will try to get this place back in order, wash my long tangly hair, exercise, think of something for the Dreaded Dinner, and spend some time with Camille, who is now standing on the couch and trying to jump back to a seated position with her legs, "criss-cross applesauce", as she told me with a huge smile. She is very spoiled, because I did not remind her that children do NOT stand on the couch, nor do they jump on it.

Camille being spoiled is a whole book in itself. Last evening, the kids finally got some of the much anticipated ice cream for dessert. There was a half gallon of coffee, and one of cookie dough flavored. And hot fudge, and whipped cream, and spinkles. They were allowed to eat it in the living room, although the younger ones are not allowed to eat on the furniture, except for the little rocking chair and Little Tikes chair, and stool at the little table. Well...Miss Camille did not get the chair she wanted. So she lay there in the bean bag chair fussing and groaning and whining and complaining. I picked her up and put her in her room, told her she could have her ice cream when she decided to stop being a brat. It took about five minutes of her screaming her head off, then she called me, and said she wanted to be good. She also does things like ask for a drink, when she is perfectly capable of getting her own from the front of the fridge, yet she wants "Mama to do it!". She is really smart and funny and good, yet.. spoiled. I am putting my foot down about it a bit...

And speaking of ice cream and whipped cream and hot fudge...and sprinkles! I had ONE spoonful of ice cream, just a heaping teaspoon, with toppings...then some more fudge, then a few more sprinkles, then some more fudge. Then I got an 80 calorie yogurt out and put some spinkles in it, and was satisfied. Blah, it is hard to serve good stuff and not eat it! And yes, Daddy could do it, or one of the kids, but I know how much to give each one, ha.

My weight is pretty much staying the same, I need to get more exercise fit in. I am thinking of getting to the pool today, if I can. My morning walks have pretty much been phased out because it is so dark out, and the road is slippery. I just do the cheat-y small version, then on nice days go on a longer one later...

I wish it was easier to lose weight. I read a passage from a book written by a woman who had lost almost two hundred pounds, she said maintenance was the hard part because losing the weight was so satisfying: everytime she got on the scale the numbers went down. ha, must be nice! That is what I want, I would like to lose even one pound every week...and I get myself all rah-rah-rah about it, then...oops, chocolate happens. I can eat just veggies and meat, skip the tatoes or rice, pass on the dinner rolls, eat just a half slice of bread for a sandwich...but
chocolate...it is my big trip-up. So I am trying to just have a little here and there....No, I cannot live without it. I am also trying to mix up the days so that I have a higher calorie day, then a few really low cal days, just to try to fool the old metabolism. Yes, I wish it was easier.

Okay...Downton Abbey. Does anyone else watch it? It is on PBS on Sunday nights, last night was the start of the new season. No commercials because it is on public television, and it is pretty clean, and very entertaining. . Lots of us watched it last night, I curled up with Paul on one of the couches. I love it that I am married to a guy who loves Downton Abbey.

I generally try not to get bitten by the Home Improvement bug. Because once bitten, never satisfied. But occasionally, I see things that really need to be replaced. We have lived here for twenty years, almost 21, and the little kids' bedroom carpet is a light beige color, under all the marker spots and stains, anyway. It looks horrible! Joseph and Aaron shared that room when they were little, and they had one of those Goopy Goo machines that made goopy rubbery things when you squirted the bottles of stain-y good into the little molds and cooked them in the machine...well, they were not allowed to use it in their bedroom, but....anyway, year after year after year, that room has seen a parade of different toddlers and young children occupy it, with their leaky sippy cups and watercolor paints and stray markers...the room is freshly painted, new miniblinds, cleaned up and organized, but the carpet is awful. So it is on my List.

New windows for the whole house are also on the List, since the frames are literally rotting.

The kitchen floor, which my late brother Billy tiled for us, has so many cracked tiles...(Billy, where are you when we need you?)

The living room...we put this "wood" floor in three years ago, and there still is no molding where the floor meets the walls...

And and and...see, once I start....

Yes, things need to be fixed but I will try to be patient, and remember that I will not die if things do not get done. It seems once we decide something, it HAS to happen. ha.

Camille wants some attention, she is asking me if she is getting anything for Christmas...

sunday dinner....

2012-01-08T16:06:00.003-05:00

blah, it is getting that time...that dreaded time: dinner time. We already had lunch, isn't that good enough? To be fair, Evelyn made the tomato soup and Kathryn made the grilled cheese and the fried potatoes (which were for her and Suze). I just did dishes and supervised and cleaned up.

We are having roast beef, and veggies, and perhaps some rolls for the kids.

Jonathan and Sonja had friends over for a few hours this afternoon after church, Aaron is bringing them home now. It was a little loud and a little rambunctious, but nice to see Jon playing boyish with a little boy! Sonja and Hannah just played house and were pretty low-key.

I saw the twins today, Susan and Thomas' babies. Oh my goodness!! Talk about sweetness! They are so so beautiful! Evelyn and Sonja got to hold them...I didn't because I still have this cold, but it is probably the same cold the Aunties all have and have had, and it seems to be getting better...I cannot wait to hold them and cuddle them and maybe even change them and feed them...they are tiny! Still under six pounds each...

Camille wants it not to be winter, because she wants watermelon. I suggested we get a magic wand and change it to summer so we can go swimming in the pool and cook burgers on the grill and eat on the deck in our bathing suits, then toast marshmallows. She is asking over and over again if we can please really do that. Um, no.

We are out of eggs, so I am heading to the small store in town, which I don't like going to. I would rather drive another ten miles and get lower prices, but it is Sunday, and we are having Sunday dinner, so I need to just go and get back.

The four girls get back from Jamaica tomorrow night. I hope they had fun, and are not too burnt. I have missed them. Even though I don't see Emily and Abigail every day now, since they moved out and have jobs, I still text them alot and talk to them...and they were around so much for the Christmas break...

I exercised this afternoon, not that I wanted to. My mind is at odds with my body, well I suppose it is more accurate to say that my mind is at odds with my mind. I wanted to get moving and exercise, but I also had some really good excuses not to. Like that my head is stuffy, and I was tired....then Paul was trying to do a backbend/bridge, Kathryn and Margaret were showing him how, and I decided I wanted to try...so I got out of my comfy chair, into my workout pants...and no, I cannot do it. But once I got going, I just did a little workout. Nothing major, but it felt good.

And now I am going to the store....

leaving for the dome....

2012-01-07T11:08:00.002-05:00

It is hard to leave this happy home,
to go and work at the Carrier Dome.

Princess Camille has on a new sparkly dress, marked down from Christmas, gold and shimmery...and a white faux fur coat, $8 at Target. They are playing house with their kitchen, now parked in the living room. There are new dishes and fake food strewn around, and Jonathan has his new car that drives on the wall. The three of them are having a hard time getting along, because Jon is being bossy and Camille is a spoiled brat. She just cries when she doesn't get her way. They are deciding who will be what, and she just wants to be the Mom.

No, I do not mind working at the Dome, I just hate leaving home.

Paul is here though. I gave him a little bit of advice: talk to the kids, spend time with them, don't worry about the house. These kids love their daddy so much, love attention from him. So they will be fine. Of course if I come home and find a mess, I will change my mind, ha.

So off I go...and yes, I am going to have a Cookiewich. If you have never had one, you have not lived. It is that good. This morning I did see a new number on that scale, and just because I am going to incorporate the calories of that Cookiewich into my day, I am not going to just give up and gain weight, naw, it will be my dinner today. Breakfast was an omelet and grapefruit. I will bring some nuts and an apple for a snack today, and avoid the sausage and hot dogs and pizza like the plague. (gallbladder attack fear is lurking in my heart....)

And, off I go...the three youngest are having a huge tickle fight that we all know will end with someone crying..

lazy morning

2012-01-06T09:29:00.002-05:00

I did not want to get up this morning, out of my nice cozy bed. I rarely do, but this morning I was trying like mad to convince myself that the kids could just stay home today. But Jonathan has his spelling test, and Charlotte Claire likes going to school, I really had to get up. blah. My cold is not going away, and I will spare the details about that, but when I am feeling stuffy and congested, I feel like hunkering down in bed and not facing the world. But, Rosie had to go out, and Mom had to do it. Mind over matter, here I am alive and well...well, sort of well.

Suzanne is home today. She had a really good reason, which was that they didn't do ANYTHING yesterday, and school is a waste of time. I think I need some time with Suze...Sonja also skipped. She has a substitute teacher today, and...well, she is home today. Camille couldn't be happier, two big sisters to play with. Camille decided this morning that she does not want to go to kindergarten next year, when I told her I would not be going with her. Sounds good to me, ha.

I was planning to pick kids up early from school and take them to the dreaded mall this afternoon, but a few of them have tests in the afternoon, so we just decided to drop it. I already promised to pick up Jonny and Char though, so I will do that. Jon wants to go to Walmart to spend his Christmas money, I would rather walk over hot coals. He has a hard time with decisions, yet he will be really bummed if he doesn't get anything. Not fun. But hopefully we can get through it. He will see something and want to get it and then regret it later, wish he didn't. I would like to pick up some more craft things, Suze has been making puppets with the little girls out of lunch bags....they love to paint and make things.

I was thinking this morning how much my life has changed these last months. I feel like I am finally coming up for air. Years of being tired and sluggish, of being sleep deprived and compensating by having yummy afternoon snacks, of having sore knees and an aching back....Now, I am not saying my life was terrible, far from it! I loved my babies and my toddlers and my kids, and I did all sorts of fun things with them, suffering every step of the way, at least in the later years. I wish I had woken up sooner, realized that if I had just eaten less carbs and exercised more, I would have felt so much better. But there were days when a shower, well even just going to the bathroom was hard to fit in, so exercise? It seemed ridiculous! I felt like I never had enough energy just to keep the place livable and take care of the kids, no excess energy for exercising! Little did I know how good it would have been for me.

So that being said, I do not feel like exercising today. But, I will.

Tomorrow I am working at the Carrier Dome again. Syracuse basketball, unbeaten and number ONE in the nation! It is so exciting to be there, even though I don't get to watch the whole game. I can see some plays on my break, and on the television in the stand...even when I cannot see what is going on, I can hear it! Syracuse fans are loud and they are happy! But the best part is that we volunteer there with our church friends, and it is always so good to see them, even if we can't exactly talk much. Joseph and Aaron and Samuel will be going with me, Paul will stay home with Margaret, Kathryn, Evelyn, Suzanne, Sonja, Jonathan, Charlotte Claire, and Camille.

And it is Friday, which we all know is Date Night day. That is always nice.

And, since I am a Nice Mom, I am bringing Camille's Little Tikes kitchen out to the living room for a few days in the empty Christmas Tree spot, so she can play house. The older kids will be so thrilled, not. But kids are little for such a short time, life should be fun and adventurous. (every year when we take down the tree, we don't move any furniture back into the Spot for a while, kids like an empty space to play)

called the dr...yay me.

2012-01-05T21:36:00.002-05:00

He can't see me until next week, but I did call.

I actually took a nap this afternoon, I was so exhausted. I think pain takes alot out of me. Then I took a quick trip to the grocery store with Evelyn for all the things I didn't get yesterday, like green peppers and romaine and apples and grapefruit and bananas and spinach and grape juice and burger and chicken...some special mousse for her curly hair, which I had a coupon for...

Home to make meatballs for dinner. I had canned green beans with sauce and meatballs. And salad with cucumbers and black olives and green peppers, no dressing. Then I made cookies. Chocolate chocolate chip, and chocolate chocolate chip with coconut. I only had one, the coconut kind. I didn't bake them all, just put the dough in the 'fridge. I wish the kids would eat them all up, because yum!

I am trying desperately to get back on track with the weight loss. But today I just couldn't bring myself to exercise. I was too tired. Hopefully tomorrow!

The thing is, it takes so long to see results! I have come to this standstill, yet I am alive and kicking and craving chocolate. I cannot have it. I do not want to gain the weight back. I want to lose more. I want to ride that bike with Jonathan. I want to run. I want to feel good. So I will suffer, I will deny myself. It feels free and good when I overcome my cravings, when I walk away, when I say NO.

Question: anyone just have only one gallbladder attack? Allison, you didn't ever have a second one? Hmm. I would like that very much. All day I found myself expecting the pain to come sneaking back...

oh, the agonizing pain....

2012-01-05T11:55:00.002-05:00

Last night, I had what I think was a gallbladder attack. It started out so suddenly, like a punch in the gut...then I realized the pain was over on the right side, under the ribcage...it hurt. Then it didn't so much hurt as KILL. It was horrible. I could not get comfy, I couldn't sleep...Aaron was the only one up when I decided to google the symptoms. He helped me, and since we are both doctors, we decided it was the gallbladder. (one of the things I read: in Med school, students are taught the potential canidates are the 5 f's: fat, female, forty, fair, and fertile. ouch.) (yes, one who has lost a lot of weight, and who has born many children were also listed in a different article). Once we determined I wasn't in danger of dying imminently, although I think Nursing Student Aaron was all for bringing me to the hospital, even though he was in the middle of making half-moon cookies, I rocked in my chair for a while until the pain subsided enough that I found myself dozing. Joseph so valiantly volunteered to get the kids off to school for me...which he did. (Can I call the school and tell the teachers that whatever Charlotte Claire has on was NOT my fault?)....Joe went back to bed and Aaron got up with Camille...when I wandered out here at 10:00 am, Camille was having second breakfast of eggs and bacon and orange slices, and a half-moon cookie.

So. Here I am, fighting with everything that is in me to pick up that phone and call my nice young dr. who doesn't look old enough to be a dr. Because I hate calling and I hate going. But then there is the specter of that attack...what if it happens again? The pain was so intense I would have jumped in front of a train to ease it. Not kidding. I told Aaron as it started to subside, "I will never complain about anything else again in my life." I learned many lessons last night. Pain is a wonderful teacher. I had mercy on everyone in the world who is suffering, and I was close to God. Aaron said we have built in mechanisms to make the memory of the intensity of pain fade, but I would rather like to remember the sheer suffering of it all. Makes today seem bright and wonderful and trial free! Except for that possibility of it happening again...

So I will probably call Dr. Handsome sometime today. Wait, did I just call him that? What if he reads this? I am totally kidding! I didn't even notice he was good looking! I really don't care either, just a random observation.

ha. Anyway, Aaron has now gone back to bed, or just to his room for some peace and quiet from Miss Camille, who involves everyone in the room in her pretend play. She got a new dolly from Target yesterday afternoon, and a little stroller and cradle. She is all about playing Mama this morning. She has the comforter from her bed spread out on the floor, and her Pillowpet, and lots of dolly clothes. She is talking to no one, now that she is her own little world, no one except for people I cannot see.

Another thing: I will never eat McDonald's food again. Ever. There, now that I said that I have to keep it. We stopped because I had Kathryn, Evelyn, Suzanne, and Camille with me on our little shopping expedition. They really like the McCafe drinks, and I had a buy one get one free coupon. And I figured that if they each had something from the dollar menu, we didn't have to go home and get things out for dinner, since I knew they had already eaten at home...so...I had a McChicken from the dollar menu, no mayo, no bun. Just the chicken. It was greasy, but I was hungry, blah. I think that was the trigger. I had not even one of Camille's fries, just the chicken. Never again. Well, maybe a parfait...but no sandwiches from there, ever.

Our shopping expedition. blah. My phone was on vibrate, Evelyn stuck it into her purse. So we didn't hear Joseph calling us repeatedly as we drove the forty minutes to the suburbs to Target. Calling us to tell us that he STILL had my credit card from when he had to gas up to take the girls to the airport the other night! rrr. When we parked the car at Target, I opened my wallet just to check....a habit I have gotten into, which Paul mentioned is flawed since I should do it at home BEFORE I leave the house, which is true, because NO CREDIT CARD. I looked in my checkbook, ONE check. I needed groceries too, remember. And I didn't want to drive all the way home and back, it was a school night. I had these three girls, 13 and 12 and teh, who wanted to look at clothes in Target with their Christmas money...so Target it was, with our one check.

They found some jeans, I found one half-price shirt, Camille got some boots, we got miniblinds for the girls' room, I got some sweet baby boy things for my niece Katie's baby shower, a few half-price candies that I will not even have one of, and the dolly for Camille. (it is a sweet little baby doll, we got one for Charlotte Claire too...I have a weakness for baby dolls...)...we also picked up eggs and milk and bread and coffee filters, so it wasn't totally bad that we didn't choose the grocery store...

Paul didn't quite get my reasoning when I came in the door laden with Target bags.

So..why do I hesitate to call Dr. Handsome? Well, for one, money. Our insurance stinks. We have to pay the first $2000 out of pocket. Then twenty percent of the next five or seven thousand. Dr. fee, then if he wants a sono done, ca-ching! We need to fill our oil tank to heat the house, that is like $500. And so on. I am not complaining, just explaining my hesitancy. I also hate going to the dr. hate hate hate.

Maybe if there wasn't flourescent lighting in the examining rooms. Being fat is one thing, but having it all highlighted with blotches.

Anyway, today is a good day. I am happy to be feeling better, and happy to be motivated to avoid greasy food. And I am seriously considering actually picking up that phone to call the dr.

life is too short

2012-01-04T13:31:00.003-05:00

and the days go by too fast. Today, for example. All the kids went to school in the ten degree weather, bundled up in boots and hats. Jonathan had to wear rain boots because his boots were soaked from playing outside yesterday. I made pancakes for breakfast, in keeping with my, "Make Them A Nice Hot Breakfast Once In A While And They Will Really Appreciate It" theory. They did appreciate it.

We have snow, and the sun is shining on it right now. It has warmed up to 22. I am cold again, sitting here in my chair after lunch. Today I kept myself busy picking up and doing laundry and working out and doing dishes and telling myself that M&M's are not really that good.

Camille and I cut some coupons. Actually, she begged to sit on my lap. I let her for a few minutes, then gave her scissors and told her to cut out some doggies and kitties. She has been having this separation anxiety, wanting to sit with me and telling me, "Never ever leave me, Momma."...anyway, I sneaked into the laundry room to change the loads over, and Miss Kitty came along, purring to be picked up. I had just taken a small fuzzy blanket out of the dryer, so I scooped up Kitty in it, and gave the whole warm bundle to Camille, who just sat there so pleased holding the purring kitty...then, kitty wanted to get down, so she turned around and bit Camille right on the cheek! Camille was broken hearted, and back on my lap...rrr. Bad Kitty.

Camille had a piece of toast with turkey, some omelet, some orange slices that she will not eat, and a cup of milk. She is now watching a show on qubo, and is almost asleep. I wouldn't mind a nap myself, but I have too much to do...

We are almost out of milk, bread, and eggs. There is only one yogurt left, the bananas are gone, only one grapefruit left. I have been waiting for Aaron to get up to go with me, I don't want to go shopping alone with Camille...but he hasn't gotten up yet, now it is almost two o'clock. The school kids will be home before long!

I wish he would at least come up and make a new pot of coffee. He has some good stuff from Christmas.

I dreamed about a baby last night. I was holding it to my shoulder, patting it. It. ha. Anyway, then I realized it wasn't mine, I was holding IT for someone else, and I got really upset...one would think that after all these months, it would be okay, that I would get over losing that baby. But it still just feels like a punch in the stomach when I remember that little tiny heart beating. I have lost five babies to miscarriage, and Robert was stillborn. But this last loss seemed the hardest. Age? I don't know. I don't like losing babies. But...there is good in it. Good because I can have compassion on others, good because nothing gets me closer to God than those heartwrenching trials. Good because losing a baby brings to clarity how special life is, how wonderful it is that I have all these kids.

Aaron is now up, carrying Miss Kitty around, the little stinker. The kitty, not Aaron. Well, he is sort of one too, getting up at almost two o'clock....will he go shopping with his old mother? He doesn't sound too thrilled....

my daughters, my sons

2012-01-03T08:56:00.004-05:00

my daughters....and daughter-in-law...front row, Ashley, Sonja K., Camille with Margaret, Evelyn...back row from right, Me, Suzanne, Kathryn, Abigail, little Charlotte Claire, Mirielle, Emily, Mali Rose...
Paul with the boys...from front right: Joseph, with Jonathan behind him..Paul with Benjamin behind him, Sam next to Ben, then Aaron

There's nothing like a house overflowing with kids for the holidays to make the return to the Real World After Vacation seem quiet and sad and dead and boring.

Eight kids went to school in the ten degree wind and snow. Emily, Abigail, Mirielle, and Mali are on their way to Jamaica. Joseph and Aaron are here, sleeping of course, and Camille is still in bed, playing with her Belle doll.

I already miss the expectation of footsteps on the stairs, Margaret making coffee a few times a day, the late night movies and the laughing. I do not think I will miss all the dishes they dirtied with their 24 hour kitchen schedule, but that is about the only downfall I can think of in having them all here.

It really is quiet in here. Rosie is actually snoring in her cage, Kitty Kitten is sleeping on the back of the couch, her white fur decorated with green and blue marker, which no one did.

I made toast and cocoa for those poor little kids who had to get out of their warm beds and go to school today.

When I walked Rosie this morning, it was slippery going. The road is pure ice under the snow because it is so cold out. The snow is powdery and squeaky and deep, it is halfway to my knees in the driveway. It looks pretty, but...blah. Makes it hard to navigate, and honestly, having six grown kids with driver's licenses and two with learner permits makes the snowy weather a bit scary. Emily and Abigail drive into the big city every day, the college kids do too, when break is over. (Well, four of my drivers are going to be in the Caribbean for a week, so I won't have to worry about them driving.)(Just that they don't get sunburned)(The good thing is that they are good girls, and I don't have to worry about them coming home with Jamaican boyfriends)

So...today is a new day. I have a clean slate. I have eaten no chocolate yet today. Yesterday, I must confess, I had some again. I ate so well all day, then broke into the last Swiss chocolate Christmas tree...it is now all gone, and none of the other treats has the same allure. So I shall keep on the straight and narrow, and make my lazy rear end get up and exercise. I did work out yesterday for a half hour, and I will not lie. It was not fun. I was glad I did it, but...

aren't they cute together?

2012-01-02T22:57:00.003-05:00

Benjamin and Ashley...

I am still up. I should go to bed, 6:30 comes early. School again tomorrow for 8 of the kids. And, the four girls going to Jamaica are here watching funny stuff on tv. And, I just got off the phone with my brother...blah, he has troubles. Poor guy. For all his years he talked to our mother when he was upset about anything, now it is me. I am praying for him, that he will cast his cares on Him.

I miss Ben and Ashley already. I know I already said that, but...

Benjamin is going back to Washington....

2012-01-02T11:33:00.002-05:00

wah. It was the saddest goodbye yet. And I was too tired to stay up 'til they left for the airport, since I have been staying up until the wee hours, then getting up with the little kids in the mornings...it was close to 2 am when I finally got up and walked over to the couch where Ben and Ashley were lounging...I hugged him for a long time...he is going to go through so much before I see him again. I do not want him to go to war, to see war and death and suffering. I cannot even think about worse things but they do cross my mind. So I hugged him fiercely, this son of mine who has caused me more sleepless nights than all the rest of the kids put together. This son who has finally straightened out and is so kind and mature. It was too easy to have him around for the holidays, too easy and good and fun and just plain pleasant.

We had a snack-y dinner last night, pepperoni and cheese and sliced turkey, and carrots, cucumbers, mini-peppers and dip, crossionts and crackers. I had some leftover taco meat in a bowl of green beans. Then a few hours later I put ten pounds of wings in the oven. One bowl of salt and pepper wings, one of Buffalo hot wings, then some plain for the little kids. They were gone in record time.

Our last evening with Ben and Ashley home was sad. Not just because they were leaving in a few hours, but because of a horrible thing that happened to our neighbors down the road. Their son....he was a Marine. He was home on leave. I know some details because Mali is close friends with his girlfriend, but since it is such a sensitive subject, I will not get into it...he took his own life yesterday. He rode the bus with our kids, they knew him from school, his sisters are their friends. His mom works at school. Aaron just saw him in Walmart last week... His poor mom. His poor sisters. And his girlfriend. It is just so sad, and in my opinion, when someone dies that way it is doubly hard for the family. The questions and the guilt and the anger....

Emily, Abigail, Mirielle, and Mali are leaving for Jamaica in the middle of the night tonight. Lucky girls! No, they are not rich. Well, Emily is a nurse, so she makes enough. And Abigail...she can swing it. The other two are using student loans. But it will be good for them. Imagine having sisters like that who are such good friends and can go on vacation together. I am just dying, I want to go with them so badly!

It is cold here in central New York state. Windy and cold. And getting windier and colder. Tomorrow the high will be in the teens. brr. And guess who will be getting out of her warm bed at 3am to take them to the airport..?

Today, I shall have no chocolate. It has been my downfall. I can resist a cookie, pass up a croissant, but Swiss chocolate or M&M's...nope. But I will. And today I will exercise again. Me, and a few million other Americans. ha.

Now I have to go out to the dreaded kitchen and clean up the rest of the mess from last night...blah.

happy new year!

2012-01-01T12:41:00.002-05:00

Everyone likes a clean slate and a fresh start. Especially if you are like me and you ate too much yesterday, the last day of the old year. Not WAY too much, just some little pieces of candy here and there...and a piece of pizza...and and and...so today is the start of a whole new year. I will not list a whole slew of resolutions...just that today is the first day of being much more faithful to getting into better shape.

I enjoyed the mild weather this morning for Rosie's first tugfest, I mean WALK, of the year. Her friend Suzie-The-Good dog was out walking with my friend Betsy, along with a second dog named Peanut. Those two dogs put together are better than Rosie has ever been. They listen to Betsey. They sit. The do not pull on their leashes, and they certainly do not almost knock Betsey over. Rosie was very happy to see Suzie and Peanut, but jeepers!!!

My niece Kate and her daughter Grace gave my two little princesses some of her old clothes,(which are really nice!) and even some new hangers. Now they are playing Store. They have clothes hung all over the dog's cage, the couches...

Benjamin is leaving in the morning. I have to get up at 3:30 am to bring them to the airport. Wah.

last day of the year...

2011-12-31T11:17:00.002-05:00

two kitties in a box...what fun! If you guessed Joseph and Aaron as the ones who put these kitties in the box, you would be right!

Last night was supposed to be, "Sincerity Night". But it didn't work out. Emily was here, Abigail was here, two cousins were here, Ben and Ashley came in from visiting relatives...but somehow, it didn't come together like I had planned. It thought it would be nice to just sit around and take turns saying nice things to each other that we usually don't say. We are much better at teasing and sarcasm.

Our bowling trip didn't work out either. There was a really long wait for lanes, so we decided to skip it...I had already promised the little girls a fun outing, so I had to think of something else...so we went to McDonald's playland. Emily, Kathryn, Evelyn, Suzanne, Sonja, Jonathan, Charlotte Claire, Camille, and I...we used lots of coupons, so the girls got yummy things like Frappes and Peppermint cocoas...I behaved myself and had only one French Fry. Mirielle texted me and said the toothpaste fell in the toilet, so would I kindly bring some more home...after dropping off some clothes at the Salvation Army, (Emily also ran in and bought a nice bookcase she saw on display outside the door), running into Rite-Aid for toothpaste, a bag of half price M&M's and some Reeses Christmas candy, we stopped at Little Caesars for our dinner, five pizzas.

Home...and two pieces of pizza...PLUS the piece Camille didn't finish, ugh. I do not eat pizza anymore...blah. Then, M&M's....too many...then, yes, there is more...some of that superb Swiss Chocolate from Wegmans...oh my, smooth and yummy. I shudder to think of the calories...today, I will behave all day. I need my total strictness and motivation back!!!!

Anyway. It was really nice not to spend a few hours preparing dinner, then all the time cleaning up...the kids really really appreciate having that pile of pizzas come in the door.

It is rather nice out today, above freezing. The road is wet but not slippery. I couldn't walk far because Charlotte Claire and Camille were the only ones up. I gave them showers and warm clothes and cereal, then took Rosie just up the road a tiny bit one way then the other and then the first way again...

So I think I might sneak back out for another walk. Maybe I will even run a few feet. Running puts things in perspective for me, helps me see how in shape I am NOT.

The kids are all hyped up because we are going to our church for our annual New Year's celebration, which includes a bouncy house. The certainly have enough excess energy for that!!!

I am super sad that Benjamin's time home is coming to an end...he leaves on Monday morning. We won't see him for at least a year. He is deploying probably in April and won't have enough leave to come home before that. It is just so nice to have him around. So normal, so good. He is such a good kid. Wah. Just wah.

a new day....

2011-12-30T11:29:00.002-05:00

What am I thankful for today? Camille's big squishy hugs. She told me yesterday, "You hafta always be my Mommy. Even when you are a Gramma. You hafta stay my Mommy. Even when I am a Mommy, you still hafta be MY Mommy." hmm. She says this in all seriousness with her little hands on either side of my face, looking me in the eye. How can a four year old be so aware of aging and mortality?

Charlotte Claire is a sweetie too. She always catches me by surprise with her declarations of love, and her little snuggles.

These two little treasures, my number 15 and number 16 children...would not be here if we were practical and reasonable. I mean, after losing Robert and then having Jonathan, then having those miscarriages, I could have been done. But God knows best, and I am so extremely thankful this morning for these two little girls.

So one little girl wet the bed, they both had showers, bedding into the washer. Rosie had to go out, I did a little picking up and straightening and read the girls a book...now here I sit. They are watching, "Sammy's Story Shop", as they are the only children awake at almost noon. Sonja K. and Jonathan are at Emily's apartment spending the night...

As Emily so eloquently put it on her recent Facebook status, there is work to do at home. She puts it better than I ever could, but her desire to help and encourage and work with the souls here brought me to tears. It is a huge responsibility raising these kids. It is challenging to feed and clothe them, but that isn't the extent of my calling...to KNOW them, to connect with them, to be able to discern what to say and when to say it...those things are not for the clever, but for those who have humbly prayed for wisdom from God. Of which I need much much more. I am thankful for Emily, that she has such a heart for her siblings. She gives her time and her money and her life for them.

I took Mirielle and Margaret shopping yesterday...we had too much fun at Kohl's...$443 worth of stuff for $43! I do call that fun. I had $20 in Kohl's cash, and a few things I returned, and a 15% off card...jeans and a shirt for Joseph, a nice winter coat for Charlotte Claire since her sleeves are shrinking on hers, two shirts for Emily, one for Mirielle plus a dress for her trip, a sweater for Margaret, and a bear for Miss Mali who loves bears. Not a real bear, unfortunately....just a stuffed one.

At Wegmans, we made total fools out of ourselves buying marked down Christmas chocolate...only one dollar each for tubs of dark chocolate non-pareils! Two dollars for one pound Swiss chocolate Christmas trees! One dollar packages of yogurt covered pretzels, and chocolate covered Oreos! Marked down Hershey kisses! I wanted to tell the cashier how many kids I have, but that would have embarrassed the girls more than what I did say, which was, "The girls are hungry." If they were ever going to kill me, it would have been then.

But it was funny.

And after our taco salad last evening, which Emily and Abigail joined us for, it was really nice to have some treats to bring out. I was careful, of course. I don't eat chips with my taco salad anymore, but I did have a few broken ones this time...when I asked for the bowl, one of the kids said, "Mom, I thought you don't eat those!" It's nice to have help, not.

Oh, when we were gone yesterday, Joseph and Aaron cleaned up the kitchen. Swept and mopped and cleaned counters and did dishes...it was so very nice to walk into with all those bags of groceries.

Today we are going bowling, to the place which has the one dollar per game special. The girls still have colds, so do I, but we are going anyway. I am not sure how many of us are going yet. A few of the girls call it, "Social Suicide", to go with the whole family, afraid of seeing kids from school...

what? it is vacation!!!

2011-12-28T10:35:00.002-05:00

How dare they wake me up so early in the morning! And make the dog bark! blah.

Vacation isn't going like I planned. I am sick. Functioning, tired, blah, stuffy, coughing. Charlotte Claire coughed so much she barfed last night. She TRIED to make it to the toilet. Poor girl, and poor me. I had to clean it up. I think putting her in the shower helped her feel better.

I had wanted to take the kids bowling this week. Not gonna happen today, anyway. Paul and some of the older kids are working at the dome for the basketball game. I am not on the list to work but if one more person can't be found to work, it will be me.

The walls of the house are closing in! I went to the pool last night with Mirielle, but these kids haven't been out at all. They play Wii, (they have a new Rapunzel game), they watch movies, they play with their AquaSand, with their dolls and Jon's remote control copter and pocket car...they color, they run around in circles. And yesterday Sonja and I went to BJ's for dishwasher soap and milk and half/half and coffee...and...the Christmas stuff was on sale! I got two gingerbread house kits for $1.99 each. The houses were difficult to assemble, so they just lay the pieces flat and decorated them with icing and candy...we also got some one pound boxes of European chocolate covered caramels for $1.99, and some chocolate toffee bark for the same. Just what I need! I gave one box to my sister, and two things of chocolates to Ben and Ashley for their anniversary. They went off to a little get-away to celebrate one year. (One year already since that nice little wedding!)

So Paul worked from home yesterday. It was nice that he was here, but frustrating that I couldn't just talk to him because he was working. He is such a nice guy, too. He did not quit until it was the real work quitting time. Anyway, he went to work this morning, and I texted him to see how he is feeling, because he is sick. He said he was working on thankfulness because that is the best medicine. Good reminder for me that being thankful isn't just for when we are feeling blessed.

The younger kids and I have been talking about doing our special hotel get-away again this year. Where shall we go? It is fun to speculate, and it is fun to remember the fun we had at our previous ones. (Suze remembers when she didn't like the elevator and Aaron took the stairs with her) (Sonja remembers getting to stay up all night watching tv)(they like the hot tubs and the pools and the breakfasts...)

Having everyone here all the time for vacation is...well, it is fun, but it is also challenging for me because they are all on vacation. Vacation means eating at odd hours and leaving messes. Sleeping half the day and having breakfast after the kitchen is cleaned after breakfast. They stay up 'til the early hours laughing their heads off at silly things, and well...I join them. Then, I have to get up early with the younger kids. I wonder if I should write a book like The Berenstein Bears, called, "Too Much Vacation."

Poor Kitty Kitten, the princesses have her captured on the couch...kissing her. She does not appreciate it right now. Yesterday they put a diaper on her.

Perhaps today I will take a little vacation and crawl into bed with my book....

new family picture

2011-12-27T20:30:00.001-05:00

being sick, and family pictures...

2011-12-27T11:04:00.002-05:00

We have a cold going around here. Charlotte Claire had it first, and is still coughing and sniffing...it is going through the house, so we couldn't have any cousins or new baby twins over for the holidays. Paul is sick too, he stayed home and is working from here. My throat hurts, really badly. I have a cough, and feel like blah. Mirielle and Mali and Margaret and Kathryn and Evelyn and Suze are also sick.

So I am sure our latest family picture will be lovely.

My nice niece Claire came over last night with three of her sisters, Janet, Ellen, and Audrey. She brought her camera, and took our family pic. It isn't everyday that all of the kids are here at the same time, obviously, and the time wasn't perfect for little ones, but Emily worked a twelve hour shift, and couldn't get here 'til 8:30...so that's when we did it.

I don't have the pictures yet, Claire will be sending them. I shall print some up and send out my Christmas cards - better late than never, right?

Puzzling and puzzling...we have a 2000 piece puzzle spread out on our dining room table. Abigail and I worked on it off and on for hours yesterday. It is the perfect thing for sitting around talking. We somehow ate our dinner of chicken wings, mozzarella sticks, and broccoli, around that puzzle. I kept telling Ab that I "puzzled for three hours 'til my puzzler was sore..."(the Grinch, Dr. Seuss) (I think at least half my kids can recite that whole story, the original from the cartoon movie and book) Anyway...Abigail had to go back to the Real World, aka work, and I am sad. I want to see her happy face come back in our door and have her join me at the puzzle.

Emily, why oh why oh why did you get such an impossibly difficult puzzle? And it is addictive! When I get a few pieces in a row together, and things start to make sense, it is so much fun!

Anyway, I didn't get a diamond ring for Christmas this year. Or a new puppy, or a positive pregnancy test. But I did get a set of work-out dvds from Paul. And two pink serving scoops from Abigail, with a polka-dotted potholder. And slippers from Ben and Ashley. And a calendar from Charlotte Claire. The best gift of all though, was having all the kids here. I cannot describe the fun we have had. Having Mr. Benjamin around has been so nice. He has grown up, yet he is still the same kid. His goodness shines through more now, he doesn't care about looking cool or being tough, he just helps the kids and listens to them, and is so respectful to Paul and I. And having Emily and Abigail here is special too, I never get to see them enough.

Paul and I don't get each other gifts, besides the dvds and the Rubbermaid storage containers I got him for his lunches, because we went to Jamaica. What could be better than that? (besides perhaps a positive pregnancy test or a puppy, of course)

So...motivation...blah, let's get this good stuff out of the house! I had a piece of chocolate yesterday, a Whitman's chocolate covered toffee...then a molasses chew...but no cookies, and well...some pumpkin pie...but it is all gone now. I only had two chicken wings for dinner with some broccoli. I am trying to stay away from the carbs, and I did exercise yesterday, but only for like ten minutes since I feel blah. I went on my walk again this morning though. I am starting to visualize myself smaller, with more energy, and really want to get back into losing those pounds.

I really want to take this kids bowling this week. There is a special at one of the places in the small city, only one dollar a game, with free shoe rental. I don't know if I can even talk to order the shoes today though. And the little girls with their runny noses...

Paul is working from home. So he is sitting here on his computer, and Jonathan is trying to put together his Hotwheels RevUp track...poor Jon. He finally understands that Daddy is working, and can't just talk him through it. He got it together, but doesn't see very interested in it since Daddy can't play with him....I guess I can go play cars....

getting motivated...

2011-12-26T11:26:00.002-05:00

Okay...I haven't been exactly dropping the pounds lately. I haven't gained, so that's good. But I am getting motivated to get beyond this limbo, and start losing again. Yesterday I had a few chocolates, and a few squares of that evil Godiva bar with salted toffee...and a piece of pumpkin pie with just made whipped cream. I only sampled the mashed potatoes with our ham dinner, and was careful the rest of the day...

So anyways, this morning I woke up telling myself that today I would be back on track, on strict track. It did not help that I woke up with a sore throat and feeling lousy...then I saw that pumpkin pie sitting there on the table. I took Rosie out into the falling snow, we tromped all the way down the road, and I thought about that pumkin pie. I reasoned that I could have a piece for breakfast, it wouldn't be that bad. I reasoned that I could just have a little taste with my breakfast. Then I reminded myself that eating yummy things is so temporary, and that I need to get my satisfaction from being faithful to this new positive life-change, or as I like to say, my DIET. So the pie is still there, and I have not had any today. I just had my oatmeal with crunchy peanutbutter, and blueberries. And coffee.

And now it is time to get busy, maybe I will write about our Christmas later.

merry christmas!!!

2011-12-25T20:24:00.013-05:00

Kitty Kitten holding my favorite present, from Emily. I opened it up and shared it so I wouldn't eat the whole thing...salted toffee in milk chocolate. I recommend it it anyone who loves chocolate. yum.
Jonathan got a new Easy Bake oven...he could not wait to make a cake.
Charlotte Claire took a little nap with her new doll.

Kathryn, Ashley, Evelyn, Abigail with Char, Suzanne, Mirielle...
Emily with her little sisters...
Aaron and Benjamin playing Wii Dance, while Mirielle laughs her head off...

Suze colored this picture...she wasn't thrilled to get photographed with it.
Charlotte Claire and I...
My soldier son Benjamin, holding all the stockings before I filled them...I love seeing him lounging on the couch, like he never left home.

And it has been a wonderful day. Now, we are having pumpkin pie....

christmas eve and secret santa

2011-12-24T10:08:00.016-05:00

Me on Christmas eve morning after my snowy walk with Rosie...
Suzanne made an ice cream stand for the dollhouse people.

Char with Suze's ice cream stand.
Evelyn Joy, my beautiful 12 year old daughter...she cut her curly hair, I think it is adorable. She will hate me for putting this on here, but hey, she ran in front of the camera...
Camille loves Ashley...and so do I. Having her here isn't like having company, it is like having family around. When she gets up in the morning and I am sitting here on my computer having coffee and the counter is full of dishes and the floor is decorated with various random items, I don't feel like I should jump up and get busy. That is my definition of when a person is "family". (and Debbie, that is how I manage to blog every day. ha.)
I like how Suze is holding Camille and Ashley up on the couch has Charlotte Claire on her lap...we need more babies here!
Joseph is so handsome with his hair cut.
Sonja, Joseph, Mali, Aaron, Ben...I like how Joe and Aaron are holding General Thunder and Kitty Kitten
Ashley, Char, Evelyn, and Abigail
No one around here appreciates my attempts to capture memories...this is Emily.
Emily always picks out the best presents. She had Camille's name, and got her these tiny princess books, a huge Rapunzel coloring book, and shiny new crayons. (she also helped Jon pick out his s.s. gift, plus she paid for it.)
Joseph - 20, Mali - 17, and Aaron - 19...Jonathan got Mali the polar bear hat for secret Santa.
The tree is still standing.

The snow is falling down gently, the ground is covered and the road is rather slippery for clumsy me with my strong tugging dog. I didn't do the hills, but turned around and went the other way up the road instead. Rosie loves the snow. She either is really excited about Christmas or she is just plain hyped up because of the white stuff on the ground, but she was crazy this morning. It was neat because I could see all the animal tracks that she was sniffing.

I am excited about Christmas too. We did our Secret Santa last night because everyone was here, and we just wanted to. Ashley had my name and got me two new pairs of slippers, purple furry boots, and dearfoams fuzzy clogs. Paul had Jon's name, and got him a pocket car, a little remote control thing the size of a Matchbox car. I got messed up with my secret Santa, of course, again. I thought I had Mirielle, and was all set, then I realized that Camille had her...and Char had Sonja...and I had Evelyn. Well, I knew last month that I had Evelyn, and I wrapped her gift and put it aside in my room. When we went to Jamaica, the kids put all the wrapped presents from my room under the tree, including Ev's. Well...last night when it was time to get out the s.s. presents...uh-oh...I mistakenly thought I had Mirielle, then I remembered that was who Camille had, then I looked for Ev's stuff, and it wasn't there...blah. I gave her the new Wii I had bought since ours was broken. Now our old one works again, but the new one came with the game Wii Dance 3, which the girls wanted, so...Evelyn was happy and thrilled. Now we have an extra Motion Plus remote, too. I also gave her a Babies game, in which you choose clothes, ect., for your Wii baby.

Paul and Samuel went out to the wildlife refuge for a hike. We are supposed to be having brunch this morning. The tree is lit, the kids are excited, Kitty Kitten is attacking Jon's pocket car.

I am happy. But, as always on the holidays, I miss my parents. I miss my brother. My brother Billy was always there on Christmas, at my brother Bob's house, with his stuffing/black olive/sausage snacks, and his dark humor. Of course I remember the Christmases of our childhood too, when he got his Big Jim camper and the Mighty-Mo truck, and the Creepy Crawlers Maker. Mostly I miss my mother though. I wanted to call her this morning so badly it made me cry. She would want to know every single gift that was exchanged last night, and she would be so proud of the way the older kids spent their own money on the things they so thoughtfully chose for their siblings. (Joseph bought Margaret the Sergeant Pepper Album from the Beatles, and some Starbuck's coffee). She would be so proud of me that I have lost this weight, I know it broke her heart to see me so heavy for all those years, but she never said anything. She would have been thrilled if she just could have been here last night, in the midst of all the noise and mayem. I guess that I am now the one who gets slippers for Christmas is sad, I used to buy them for her. When I was out shopping, sometimes I would see something and think, "Gramma would like that...oh yeah, not." Because it is not always in the forefront of my mind that she is no longer here. I have been mighty thankful for her lately. Thankful that she taught me by example that it is okay to let kids cook and make messes and enjoy life. Thankful that she never got uptight about anything. Thankful that she always always gave me the time of day, and no story was too boring for her to listen to. I just plain miss her and would give anything to spend one more day with her.

And now that I have made myself cry, I shall go get busy around here, for there is no such thing as a true day off...(oh, but yesterday I had one, sort of...Abigail had to do errands, so I went with her...we walked to Pizza Hut while her car was being fixed and had lunch and talked and talked and talked...neither of us liked all the hours spent doing banking and waiting for the car to get fixed, but we made the most of it, and it was indeed like a day off...)(we also went to Walmart on one of the worst Walmart days of the year, to get dog food and cat food and some topping for Mirielle's homemade New York cheesecake....now THAT was an adventure...)

day off today...

2011-12-23T11:14:00.002-05:00

Sam, Margaret, Sonja, Jonathan, and Charlotte Claire are home today. Char has a cold, but the others are fine and healthy. Just starting vacation early. Paul has the day off too. So we stayed up way too late last night...

The Syracuse University Basketball team is number ONE in the nation. I ended up working at the dome yesterday, no staying home and catching up for me. It is fun working there, catching glimpses of the game. I did cash last night, and it wasn't as bad as I dreaded it to be.

Paul brought pizza for the kids for dinner, and extra presents for Margaret's birthday, some music cds. He was glad to have some time with them, that's why I volunteered to take his place at the dome.

It is snowing out! Snow for Christmas! It is cozy in here, once again. We are sitting around talking, having coffee, Camille is on the arm of my chair reading a book. Char is on the couch with lots of blankets, the tree is lit up.

As usual in life though, there are things that aren't perfect. There are things I am tempted to worry about that I can't write about on here. There is sadness in life...we live like we aren't actually going to die someday. The bonds we form here with friends and family and children are so strong and feel so permanent, it is hard to realize that death is inevitable. Of course I don't want to waste time jumping off bridges until I come to them, but there are thoughts. And there are things that go on with older kids sometimes that leave me totally devoid of any feeling of competency at all.

And Miss Camille is waiting for me to read her book...

december birthdays

2011-12-22T09:36:00.002-05:00

December birthdays can be rip-offs, according to my December birthday children, of which I have three. Okay, I am guilty, poor Aaron got only one thing for his, a t-shirt no less. But it WAS from A.E., a nice store in the mall, and I did pay too much for it. Well, today is Margaret Cheryl's 15th birthday, and I got her a few nice things. Just to make sure she doesn't feel slighted because it is so close to Christmas.

Our Mr. Swanson is actually, um, MISS Swanson. Kitty Kitten is a girl. oops. Took the guy's word for it when we got him, I mean her, never looked. One of the kids did look yesterday, and, um...the first thing they started to ask is Please Please Please can she have kittens! No, she is going to the vet and getting fixed. Because if she has kittens, it will break my heart to give them all away.

Kathryn is 13 years old. She has an ipod, a hand-me-down from her older brother. It has a cracked screen, but it works. She texted me from school like five times yesterday to please pick her up, and Evelyn. So I did. Mirielle, Camille, and I...we went to Kohl's for Margaret's birthday presents with our 15% off coupon...then to Aldi for some Christmas treats, like a pineapple and some shrimp. Then to Wegman's for a few more things, then home. I had made the meatballs before I left, and called home and had Joseph put them in the oven. After putting away the groceries, Jonathan and I wrapped some things, then it was dinner time. I had some canned bean sprouts with my meatballs instead of pasta, not too bad. I baked some chocolate chip cookies from dough I had made the night before, and ate a few spoons of dough. I can pass up the cookies, but the cookie dough, yum!

Anyway...after dinner, I went to the town board meeting. Without boring you with all the details I will say this: when the board classified the anticipated noise level as a "minimal impact", I protested, said it would not just be the cars racing through the mud that would be loud, but the attendees, cheering and yelling, and the music, ect...the neighbor who is proposing this project looked at me and suggested that my boys would be his best customers and that one of my sons used to ride his four wheeler all over his land. True, but what does that have to do with anything? I did not argue with him, since we were reminded to keep the meeting civil, and it was very distasteful to see the other neighbors getting offended and personal about things. Anyway, the board gave their recommendation to the county: The project will have a negative impact on the environment overall. Now the county will do their own study, then we will move onto other issues, such as re-zoning and legal matters. It will be a while before we know anything, probably February. I hope and pray that no Mud Bog Racetrack is born next door...he is seriously petitioning for parking for 1000, yes ONE THOUSAND cars!!! blah.

After the meeting, I went to my niece's house to pick up Benjamin and Ashley...my sister was there, as were her other girls...Will was in bed, but those little baby twins weren't! I held Sebastian Peter for a while, and fell head over heels. He is a sweetie! He is so tiny! He was doing that sucking-while-sleeping thing, oh so cute...I haven't held little Linnea yet, but I will one of these days.

More cookies today, cleaning up the house, doing some laundry...good times. I am so excited about Christmas, and love having Ben and Ashley here.

fifteen years ago tomorrow...

2011-12-21T09:12:00.002-05:00

I got a huge Christmas present! Huge, yet tiny. 8 pounds seven ounces of pure joy, Margaret Cheryl. She was born in the early afternoon, my ninth child, after a blissfully easy labor. Emily was almost twelve, Abigail had just turned ten, Benjamin was 8, Mirielle was 6, Joseph was 5, Aaron was 4, Mali Rose was 2, and Samuel was sixteen months old. Hmm, five kids five years old and under. How in the heck did I manage? I brought my little bundle of Christmas joy home from the hospital on Christmas eve...and as per tradition, we were going to my brother's house for our annual family get-together. Well.. Mirielle started throwing up. Paul stayed home with her. I did have a girl there helping me, Miss Kim, so we went to my brother's house, me driving that big van through the snow...it wasn't as bad as it sounds, I had lots of help once I got there. How did I get them all dressed and out the door though?

Margaret...she is so funny. See, we live out in the country. Corn fields behind us, down the road are cows. People who live in the country have mice in their houses sometimes. We have been very fortunate, not too many mice, just one here and there that we have known about anyway. We have two kitties in the house, which are probably good deterrents. Anyway, Margaret was lying in bed last night and heard a noise in the heat duct over her bed. There was a mouse! She flipped. She was SO upset. She wanted me to DO SOMETHING. Um, like what? It was gone by the time I got there...anyway, she got Suze to duct tape up her heat vent. Poor girl, I don't think she slept very well. I tried to tell her that little mousies don't hurt people. We will set traps, and take care of him/them (I do not believe for a second that there is just one mouse...what, one little preacher mouse, a celibate mousie?)

Anyway...today is Marg's last day of being fourteen. I need to get her something for her birthday. We also need dog food and pullups, for Miss Camille at night. I do not really want to go anywhere, but...

So this morning it was dark out when I got up. Really dark. So I made a pot of coffee, and some pancakes with brown sugar and sprinkles. The kids love me when they get up and I am making a hot breakfast. I almost burned the house down, according to Paul, since I momentarily forgot to turn off the stove burner. I was going to turn it off, but I also was putting my sneakers on for my walk when he discovered it. Kathryn pointed out that, "Mom yelled at ME when I left it on last week." oops, sorry Kap. Rosie did not think this was fun. She was whining in her cage. I finally brought her out for a cheaty little walk. By the time the sun comes up there isn't time for our mile+ walk.

After the first trip kids go out the door, it is time to wake Sonja, Jonathan, and Charlotte Claire. I get their clothes out, and serve them breakfast at the Little Tikes table in the living room, it is warmer and cozier. After getting them fed and washed and brushed, they go out the door to school. Jonathan stayed home today...poor kid, he wanted to be with Ben and Ashley, but they already left to go shopping and visit her brothers. Oh well, he can come with me today.

I have bedding in the wash, and more waiting to go in. The dishwasher was done after our dinner last night, but there are tons more dirty since then...(there were only ten of us last night, I made French Toast, sausage, bacon, and an omelet for me). (it was a nice and cozy dinner with candles lit...except for Camille decided to cry and fuss, she was probably unconsciously punishing me for leaving her the other day...she does that...)(she finally stopped and was as good as gold, but my omelet was cold by then...)

I really want to get the stockings filled so I can see if I have way too much or not nearly enough...

Oh well...off I go.

do i really have to get up?

2011-12-20T16:35:00.003-05:00

Kitty kitten is sitting between my computer and me. He is cuddly and warm and purring. I just finished my afternoon coffee, it is getting darkish in here. The tree lights are on, and it is cozy. Jon is playing Wii, Sonja is having pretzels and peanutbutter, Suzanne is doing pull-ups as usual, Kathryn is playing with the princesses, and Evelyn is having some cheezies. Sonja does not want to go to the concert, but Jonathan does. I do not want to go either, but don't tell them.

I have towels in the wash, and need to fix something for dinner. I have been gone today, so I didn't do much around here. Aaron did have an ear infection. Poor kid went to BJ's with me, one day after his surgery and with his ear hurting. I tried to hurry, I really did.

I think I inadvertently made Ashley feel bad, and I wish I could do a re-do. I love her to pieces, she is a sweet girl. I want to be the nice mother-in-law, one who lets her be who she is with no demands, one she doesn't have to pretend to like. I just need to think before I speak! blah.

Does anyone else out there turn into Mama Bear when men look at their daughters? rrr, I hate it. Okay, a glance is forgivable, but there is this guy who works at BJs, I won't say what I wanted to do, but I do not like him. He is creepy, he looks at even my younger girls. Not once or twice, but this drooly-staring thing, I hate it. Mirielle was the IceQueen when we walked by him the second time today, I was proud of her. She simply looked the other way and ignored him. I wanted to say something mean to him. Not nice, am I?

Sonja is sitting her saying that she wants either glasses, a broken arm, or a broken leg, or braces. But not all of them. What is she thinking?

Well...time marches on, and here I sit with comfy Kitten....procrastinating....

clear and cold and sunny and busy...

2011-12-20T09:23:00.002-05:00

Aaron woke up early this morning. He has an earache that hurts badly. So...called the dr., and yes, he needs to be seen. He just had surgery yesterday, so if he has some bad germs hanging around it would be good to get an antibiotic. Mirielle has a dentist appointment in the small city, but since Aaron feels rotten I might go with him. That means changing my plans which included Doing Not Much today, ha. After sitting around in the hospital all day yesterday, I really wanted to putter around here and do some stuff. And, I read a hundred pages of , "The Help", and I want to finish it.

Joseph is an interesting companion. He is twenty years old, he did cut his long curls recently, so he now looks respectable and handsome again. He went and took some allergy medicine before we left yesterday, so he slept in those hospital waiting rooms, sitting up. I couldn't manage to do that, every time I dozed, I almost fell out of the chair. So I read my book and I watched people. I saw a teenage boy who was with two workers of a group home as his guardians, he was mentally challenged I suppose...but he was just plain happy. His guardians explained that he thinks everything is just fun. I did not feel sorry for him, no, that boy has it made. The ladies with him just loved him. I also saw a young couple with a fussy two year old getting tonsils out. They were more interested in their phones than they were in him. At least yesterday. I saw a young black dad with a child named Pharaoh, and a lovely mom who thought the sun rose and set on her sweet little non-verbal, non-walking pre-teen son who did NOT want to be there - it brought tears to my eyes how doting she was. So, basically I did not get bored.

And, someone prayed for me and my drive home. It was amazing! It was short and light and my eyelids did not try to stick together at all! I was driving along, waiting for when I got too tired, and it did not happen, then I realized that I was just being blessed. It was really amazing. It did not live up to my dread.

Rosie-The-Bad dog escaped this morning when the kids were leaving for school. I was getting a bag of candy out for Sonja's class party, and the bus came, and they left the door open...blah, she chased the bus, barking and barking, ignoring me. rrr. After the bus drove down the road, she ran off to the neighbors. I went out a few minutes later, and she was guarding the end of the driveway. She likes to lie there and keep watch for danger, like UPS trucks and the mailman. The garbage man has made it clear that if she is there, he does not stop and pick up our garbage. So...I had to go get her. She got up and started to take off again, but I called her so nicely, she came to me! I praised her to the skies, brought her in and gave her treats, even though I wanted to kick her disobedient little but all the way up the deck steps.

Emily made a cake. Homemade butter cake with fluffy white frosting and almonds. And coconut. She brought it over. Nobody seems to like it. Nobody except for me. blah. I take a taste here and there...oh, it is so good. Ben had some last night, now it is almost gone. I think I will throw the rest away. It is calling me like crazy, torturing me. I am easily tortured these days, there is this lie whispering to me that says that It Is The Holidays, It Is Okay. Well, that may be well and true for most people, but I need to lose this weight! This morning I saw a beautiful number, and I don't want to go back above it! It is just a beautiful thing to get on that scale and see lower and lower numbers! I feel like I have been stuck in the mud for a while, and really want to get moving on this thing. My exercise has been...well, yesterday, none. Today I shall move it somehow.

Someone has eaten all the food again. Where oh where does it go? Bananas and apples and yogurt and milk and cheese....

I need to make a meal plan. We have decided what to have on Christmas Eve, and Christmas day, but that is about it...oh, and pizza on Friday night. Tonight is the elementary school chorus concert. Paul and Emily and Ben and Ashley and Mirielle, and Joseph and Mali, and Sam are working at the dome for a basketball game, so it is just me...and Abigail and Aaron, and Margaret and Kathryn, Evelyn, Suzanne, Charlotte Claire, and Camille going to watch Jonathan and Sonja sing. Well, I don't know if Aaron will go.

Well, time to move it.

and the bar is out!!!

2011-12-19T21:30:00.002-05:00

And he took it home with him. After all, it was in him for over three years.

The surgery went well, it took all the live-long day, but we got home by seven this evening after getting up at four a.m. and leaving by four thirty. Long long day. Aaron was sick from the anesthesia again, so it took a while for us to be able to leave.

Mirielle made dinner, and it was all cleaned up when we walked in, yay.

Tonight we just hung out and relaxed with Ben and Ashley.

Longer post tomorrow.

sunday break

2011-12-18T15:29:00.002-05:00

And just so no one thinks everything here is like a magazine,... imagine my surprise and delight when I wandered into the Princesses' room yesterday after cleaning and doing laundry and finishing up wrapping things...what the heck? They decorated with toilet paper! First they dumped out lots of stuff, because they were "looking for things". blah. Evelyn saved the day and had them pick it all up, very patiently too.

Benjamin and Ashley are home! I wanted to take pictures of them hugging Paul, and of them hugging the little ones this morning, but I am not good at interrupting sincere moments with my camera. It makes me feel so invading.

We planned to have a family photo taken today...but oops, Emily is working today! We went to church this morning: 18 of us. Everyone except for Emily. The roast went in the oven before we left, and is smelling mighty good. I have to go peel some potatoes and get the carrots in the oven soon. It was 28 degrees when we got home, but sunny, so I took Rosie for our walk. (Our morning one was small and cheaty, brr!) There is snow on the ground, so it was lovely out, despite the chill.

Right now I am finishing my afternoon coffee, which I had with two of the yummiest butter cut out cookies I have ever had. I tried a new recipe this year and they are good. I should NOT eat cookies, but...it was lunch. A few almonds, an apple, and two cookies.

The world can be such an awful place sometimes that I like reading good news...mysterious strangers paying layaway bills for Kmart and Walmart customers...how nice! One lady paid several, plus handed out some $50 bills, because her husband had recently passed away, and she said she didn't need the money...she simply told the people as she paid their bills, "Remember Ben", who mus have been her husband.

Well....time to get to the dinner....

it's beginning to look alot like...

2011-12-17T10:53:00.006-05:00

our poor tree...it looks beautiful to the little ones...but Margaret put her second grade Christmas ornament over the angel...and the tree looks like it might fall over...

Cookies... I tried to reason with Jonathan, Charlotte Claire, and Camille that the cookies look nice with less sprinkles. Jon said that was JUST AN OPINION. They insist the ones covered in them taste better and look better...

It snowed last night, so we woke up to that Christmas-y brightness. The kids were already in their snowpants by the time I got out here this morning. I joined them. We went out and romped around with Rosie, got the sleds out, they went down the swingset slide on sleds. Any semblance of order in the kitchen/dining room has been infringed on by the mitten bin and the boots...

And someone still has a suitcase from a recent trip to Jamaica, in the kitchen...um, about that...I AM going to take care of it...I WAS going to the other day, but...well, I am probably going to do it today.

When we came in this morning, Kathryn was making French Toast. How nice, the little girls just got their boots and mittens off and had a hot breakfast. They had some tea, too, and now they are playing dolls. I am having my oameal and coffee, and sitting here seeing all the things that have to be done. It is Saturday, and I would like to just do fun things, but there is always something housewife-y to do. I have already swept the kitchen, but it needs mopping again, and ect. I feel like I am the only one who cares around here and trying to get them to work with me and help is like pulling teeth. As soon as I say their names sometimes, they say, "MOM!", dragging it out to three sylables. They are mostly still sleeping, the older ones, except for Margaret and Kathryn, who went shopping with Abigail.

I plan to stay in today...except I might go see THE BABIES!!!! Yes, they were born! My sister is grandmother to twins! Their names are Sebastian Peter and Linnea Rene. Sebastian was born first, and that's all I know. They were also born naturally, which is always nice with twins. I can't wait to meet them. My sister was supposed to be there when they were born, both Thomas and Susan wanted her there. But...the hospital people only let Thomas in, said it was just in case they had to do emergency surgery. Cheryl said she would leave if that happened, but it was firm and final, she could not go in. She was not very happy about it. I felt bad for her. Her name was on the list of people who were authorized to be in for the birth, so I don't know if it was just the nurse who was on duty maybe loved rules and power, I don't know.

So I have lost my vacation weight plus an extra pound. I am telling myself that this does NOT mean I can sneak in some cookies here and there. It is just a total mind game, this weight loss thing. I know I rant about it too much, but it is my battle these days. I am fine most of the time with just eating healthy food, but sometimes, blah. By this time next year I plan to be done with all this weight, and be in maintenance mode for the rest of my life. I feel SO much better now having lost the 51 pounds. Vacation was better, the airplane seatbelts buckled easily with room to spare, I could sit in those previously terrifying pool lounge chairs without worrying about how in the heck I was going to get back up...

I am excited about Christmas yet I dread it. I am not organized. I am not very smart when it comes to the way I shop. It would probably be better if I just waited until November or so and got the kids what they really wanted for Christmas, instead of buying stuff all year cheap, and giving them stuff they might not really love. And it would be nice if I kept better track of stuff....I am going to be just as surprised as some of them when they open stuff, I don't remember what I wrapped for whom. I started with a list. I have several lists, actually. But lists are not the magic answer for people like me, because a list has to be maintained. I did get them things they wanted, but I hope I didn't forget any special requests.

And...I really should get moving...

friday friday friday!

2011-12-16T09:24:00.002-05:00

Aah, the weekend, time to relax. ha. First of all, my big plans to paint? ha. ha ha ha. I had already abandoned them when my sister called me yesterday and asked me if I had already been to Walmart, and I didn't have a clue what she was talking about. See, I wrapped presents yesterday. For a few hours. Camille helped me, she can wrap one all by herself if I cut the paper for her. And it doesn't look too different from the ones I wrap. Evelyn was here, so she finished up for me for only five dollars. I did laundry and sweeping and cleaning up, and some exercise...

Dinner is always my big dilemma. You would think I would have it down pat by now. But no, it is the daily dread...what the heck to feed fifteen or so people. I decided on chicken soup. I chopped up chicken breast, rolled it in flour and chicken seasoning, browned it up, added it to three cans of Cream of Chicken soup with lots of water, and let it simmer...then I got to what I really wanted to do, making a huge batch of cut out cookie dough. As I was making the cookies, YAY, Emily came in...with regular clothes, as Jonny pointed out, which meant she was not on her way to work, and would be staying a while. Yay! Because guess what? Emily likes to make a pot of soup. I told her she could do whatever she wanted with it...I don't know what she did, but it was good. Corn, veggies, seasoning...she also made a huge batch of biscuits. Thank you, Em!

We didn't frost the cookies yet, that we shall do this afternoon. I want to have everything else done so the kids can come in the door and frost cookies and have tea, and I shall be patient and not nag them about too many sprinkles, and I will remind them ever-so-gently not to lick their fingers or they are done....

Evelyn was helping me with the cut outs last night...the dough was kind of sticky, and the first rollouts weren't coming out well, and she quit, said it was stressful because of MOM. What? Was I really being naggy? Ouch! I do not want to be naggy! Can I have a re-do? blah.

Today we are going on an outing, so I had better get my lazy self out of this chair. Emily and Joseph and Aaron and Mirielle and Mali and Camille and I....where will we go? What will we do? I love it!!! I have to get a few Secret Santa presents still, and need more blueberries for my oatmeal...I want to do a quick meal plan with Mirielle before we go, too.

Ben and Ashley get home tomorrow!!!! He loves cut out cookies, so we will have a huge plate of them ready for him. I would also like to make some chocolate chip with red and green M&M's. blah, I need to duct tape my self-destructive mouth closed for the next two weeks. I ate so well yesterday, yet the cookie dough I tasted...and tasted...and tasted...blah. I like the dough better than the cookies...until the cookies come out of the oven, that is...

Time to go...

back to regular life...

2011-12-15T08:58:00.002-05:00

Ha, "regular". Actually it is really good here. Mirielle, Joseph, Aaron, and Mali are all on college break, so yesterday it was a bit hard to leave with Kathryn to bring her to the dr. (she has migraines, it seems). The boys had "bling" on kitty, a nice string of beads which drove Kitty crazy, made him go in circles...they are just glad to have some down time, and it is so nice to have them around. I tried to talk them into helping me paint the kitchen, but they are being brats about it. I might have to put my foot down...

It is cozy in here. Lights in the windows and the tree lit up, the stockings are washed and drying on the kitchen chairs, ready to hang, 17 of them. I still have presents to wrap. And, as usual, I have lost track of what I have gotten for whom. Some of them will get more than others, but they are used to that. We are doing, "Secret Santa", and I know who alot of them have, primarily because I have to buy the gifts for them. This year I actually remembered to get something for the person I have. Hey, between the gifts they have to get for school exchanges, the things they like to get for their friends, ect...it is a bit crazy.

Mali made Muddy Buddies last night, Chex cereal with peanut butter, tons of chocolate chips melted, and confectioner's sugar on top...oh dear, I sampled a bit, and was like, "Kids, eat these up quick!" It is the season for suffering, for me. It is time to make those yummy cut out cookies. I think I will chew gum as I make them so I don't eat all the broken ones. Or all the crispy ones. Or all the ones that just look good.

Vacation weight: almost gone. I gained a lovely five pounds, which is No Fair. In six stinkin' days. And that was being careful! Ha, not TOO careful. The desserts...even in moderation, they pack it on...and the drinks, those frozen slushie ones are full of sugar...anyway, it was totally worth it, but I am glad that I am back down to only one pound more than when I left. I shall be careful about cookies and fudge, really careful.

Benjamin and Ashley will be here on Saturday, yay! Aaron's surgery is on Monday, not yay. I just hope for clear weather because I will be driving right on the southern shore of Lake Snow Machine, a.k.a Ontario. I live in Snow Country and hate driving in snow. The tension gives me major headaches. We also want to schedule a family photo before the surgery, since it might be a while before Aaron feels like getting his picture taken.

Hmm, I think I will guilt the older ones into helping me paint the kitchen. There is no "good" time to do it, we just have to do it while they are home. Joseph DID say he would do the whole thing if I let him pick the color, but since I am not stupid, and since I remember when he wanted black for his room and we settled on dark chocolate brown, I said, "No, thank you."

Perhaps I will just get sweetie-pie little Camille dressed and go up to Walmart and get a few cans, some brushes, and a few roller covers...wait, I should do a little spackling first...hmm, I think I will just do this. After all, it is Christmas, and they will feel obligated to help...

pics from jamaica

2011-12-14T08:49:00.013-05:00

handsome guy walking toward me...

no words for that sky

pool bar
blurry, but we only got a few together, so...
happy feet
Paul...
A relaxed me...

Our best vacation yet. Excellent, fun, relaxing. The sun was hot, the food was good, the pool was cool, the ocean was warm. We connected and talked and it went by too fast....

Now, home and reality. Kathryn has had these headaches, now her ears hurt, so I have to call the dr. about her. I haven't been home these last two days, between shopping on Monday and going to the big city yesterday, so there is much to catch up on around here. Yes, things to do.

And in it all, there is much opportunity to get those treasures in heaven. In the end, God will not care if we did the things we set out to do, if our houses got cleaned and organized. The inside of the cup is what needs to be cleansed. So off I go, to do what I can and be saved as much as possible while doing it...

three ring circus here....

2011-12-13T21:10:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I knew I had to take Aaron to his pre-surgery appointment. What I didn't know was that it was in a big city two and a half hours away. We have three vehicles. Paul had to be at work in one direction, Joseph a college final in a different city, Mirielle had to be in the big city for a college final...details, details. I won't bore you with them, but off on our trip to the big city we went. Camille, and Suzanne because I let her skip school and come with us. (She seemed like she needed some time with me, and I really needed some time with her (she said she did NOT miss me when I got home from Jamaica, I think she was a little put out that we had left for so many days, I don't know... anyway...))

Aaron had a bar put in his chest three years ago to fix his depressed sternum, it was deep enough to put a cereal bowl into...so he had this corrective surgery done, in which a bar with a "U" shape in the middle was inserted all the way across the chest, then flipped, which forced the sternum out...it was extremely painful for him, but it fixed the problem, allowing him to breathe better.

Now it is time to get the bar removed. We have to go in next Monday at 7a.m. That means waking up at like four in the morning. It is planned for outpatient, but some kids have to stay overnight...so we are going to try to reserve a room in the Ronald McDonald house a few blocks from the hospital just in case.

In case I don't seem overjoyed about this, well, see, I am tired. Never mind that I just got back from vacation. I still am tired. Today WAS a good day. I spent it with Aaron...he just turned 19 the other day, and he doesn't always have too much to say to me, so it was nice to have some time together. We stopped at a different Target on the way home, and at a Chinese buffet. Camille got her money's worth, jello and chocolate pudding. I stayed away from everything but the chicken, which was bad enough. Camille explained to us how princesses have, "Royal" spoons, and "Royal" drinks, ect, ect, she also danced for us, like a princess does. She has no consciousness at all of other people in the room.

She lost the new bunny that the lady in Medical Imaging gave to her for being a good little sister. I think it is in that far-away Target. She insists we are going back to get that bunny, which she named, "Springy", tomorrow. No, we aren't.

Suzanne told Kathryn about the missing bunny, so Kathryn unloaded two boxes of her own stuffed animals to Camille...she is forgetting Springy now...

So. We got home from the far-away hospital in the far-away city...we had to stop at the store for ice cream for Abigail's birthday party, and cream cheese for the frosting Mirielle was making for the banana cake. Into the house, cooking chicken, serving up the salad and rice and singing to Abigail...too much fun...the kids got to bed too late, all hopped up on the yummy dessert, and because Emily stopped in after work to pick up Margaret's violin (it only has three strings, Emily doesn't think that will do...so for Margaret's birthday, which is on the 22nd, Em is putting new strings on it for her...)

So...now I am sitting down, finally. Today is done today was fun tomorrow is another one. Or some thing like that. Perhaps tomorrow I will have the time and the patience for vacation pictures...

Oh, and my niece is having those babies soon! I can't wait to meet them!!! Two babies! I bought them fuzzy fleecy sleepers yesterday, and some Johnson's Baby bath today...

ahh, home again...

2011-12-11T21:58:00.003-05:00

And no pictures yet, because the camera cord took off and hid while I was gone. So I will just have to use words, for tonight anyway...

Blue. Blue skies, a few clouds floating on the breeze. Blue water. The brilliant turquoise blue water of the warm ocean. The blue water in the infinity pool, cool and refreshing. The yummy drink the nice bartender made us on our last night, we don't know what it was, but it was blue and icy and cold, and we really liked it.

We left here on Sunday morning, and by late afternoon we were in the pool there in Jamaica. Monday morning there was a quick shower, but it cleared up and no more rain all week except for during the night. We left our cares behind, and talked. We laughed our heads off, and we walked around holding hands, and we just plain liked each other. We made friends, we relaxed, we bragged about our kids.

Jerk chicken, jerk pork...yum. I ate it every single day. Veggies, fruits, chicken...we went to the steak restaurant, to the Japanese restaurant...I was sort of well behaved, but that is for a different post.

Now we are home. I have washed socks and towels, swept the floors and brushed girls' hair, made dinner and picked things up and walked Rosie...it was done in a good spirit though, because I am one happy mama to be back home with all these kids. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. I had a lot of time to think about things, so today I got to try out all the new goodness and patience I was bound and determined to have.

Seeing Camille again was sweetness! I missed her so much, especially because there was a little girl down there at the resort with an Ariel doll, always in her arms...

Rosie-The-Bad dog...oh, she was one happy pup to see me again. She can wag her whole body, that dog. She could not stop whining.

Yes, it is good to be home. For all the messes and loudness, it is home sweet home.

hot and sunburned....

2011-12-06T20:07:00.002-05:00

Paul brought his computer, so we are spending six bucks to go online for a few hours, primarily to check on things at home. Uneventful, thankfully. Not our trip, things at home.

Here, things are rather uneventful too. Wonderfully and peacefully uneventful. I have relaxed, and it is enjoyable. The skies were blue and the sunshine brilliant today, and we are red. The food is so good, yes I have sampled some desserts.

Cheryl, where are you?!! I thought you would write some good stories...

just a few pictures, and goodbye

2011-12-03T16:51:00.007-05:00

Our lovely tree...
The Christmas Train.
Camille "under arrested" Suzanne. No, we don't have a lot of boys. But they still like to play cops.
Suzanne, Camille and Charlotte Claire
Paul calls her, "Dum-Dum".

There are chicken wings in the oven, and the pizza dough is rising. My little break is almost over. The tree is up and decorated, it is warm and cozy in here. Abigail is visiting, and three cousins are here. We shall have a feast-y evening. I am almost sad to be leaving these guys, but...I will anyway!

last day home for a bit...

2011-12-03T11:54:00.002-05:00

I know, I know, it is getting old, talking about going to Jamaica. But it is finally happening! Tomorrow morning we will be getting up in the darkness and driving to the airport, poor Mirielle has to get up and bring us. We will arrive there in the afternoon and hopefully get in a little sunshine and a swim.

Paul is getting the tree right now. I moved furniture and made a space for it. There is excitement in the air. The little girls are eating grapefruit, Kathryn is doing the dishwasher, Rosie is napping under my footrest, and I am taking a break from cleaning up this place, the never ending job.

I am going to take a quick trip to the store today to get some cheese for pizzas, and some greens for salads. And something for Charlotte Claire's class snack, which is Monday, so Mirielle doesn't have to make something for her.

My suitcase is packed. I even put my sneakers in there, since I am not going for a walk in the dark tomorrow morning. Yes, I plan to exercise when we are there, I didn't work this hard to gain ten pounds back in one week. Ha, I really hope I don't. All that jerk chicken, yum. And the frozen lime slushies, and the fresh-fried donuts with all the toppings...yes, they fry the to order, how am I going to resist? The good thing is we will eat lunch in our swimsuits at the beach buffet, it is hard to pile one's plate up when one looks like ME in a bathing suit. Overall though, I am not going to worry too much about it. We will relax and have fun and make good choices and enjoy ourselves no matter what we have to eat. I do plan to have a nice steak dinner one night, yum. Sometimes they serve steak, grilled to order, at the lunch buffet. The price of beef has risen around here, so we don't eat it much anymore. Paul will go for the lobster or seafood, which I don't like.

Perhaps I will get a chance to get on here later and put up some Christmas tree pics, but I am afraid if I unpack my camera I will forget to re-pack it.

no, I am not single

2011-12-02T09:03:00.003-05:00

Camille took this picture of me this morning.
I took this one of her.

I am not single, but I do have a bare ring finger. My fingers have actually gotten thinner. So my ring was loose...and yesterday I went to wiggle it around, as I guess I was in the habit of doing, and nothing was there! I must have lost it when I was running with Rosie, I don't know. I am not overly sad about losing it, since it was only a $14 Walmart band. My original band was cut off years ago, and thrown away in an old purse accidentally. But that is a different story. My older kids were bugging Paul at the dinner table last night, telling him that now is the time to get Mom a nice ring. I told them I do not want a nice ring, then if I lost it I would be more sad. They said I would not lose it because it would be a nice one that fit right. I would like to go up to Walmart and buy another one, but I have no vehicle today. I just don't want to go to Jamaica with no wedding ring, I will just get hit on too much, ha. No, I have my late mother's ring on my right hand, I will just pretend I am European. Or Paul can just be my boyfriend.

The kids went out the door to school this morning, all 8 of them. Joseph went to college, and the other college kids are going in a little while. Camille and I are going to get the living room ready for the Christmas tree. Jonathan is excited, he has his Lionel train set up, he wants to set it up so it goes around the tree. He ate his cereal on the floor with the train going around him, this morning. They all had their chocolate calendar, and cut the construction paper loop of their paper chain that Charlotte Claire brought home from kindergarten.

So I guess you could say they are getting excited about Christmas.

I got stressed out this morning, and I hate it. There weren't ten cups/mugs in the living room this morning like there were yesterday morning, but there were a few. Then someone knocked furiously at the bathroom door while the little ones were still sleeping, one girl smacked her sister for bumping into her, someone left and slammed the door, I called her back in and told her to close the door properly, which did not go over well. I was trying to be nice about things, but they still all get riled up when I put my foot down about anything in the morning. I do not like it when they all start telling me not to get after them in the morning. I simply stated that if they didn't leave such a trail, I would have nothing to get after them about. Oh, the stomping. blah, I want a re-do. I KNOW it is better not to try to discuss anything with them while they are getting ready for school, yet I did it again. blah. Dealing with one teenager can be challenging, but this was six of them. Well, Suze isn't technically a teenager yet number-wise, but she is smart and can be quite sarcastic. The thing that makes my heart ache is: they are really really good kids, and I love them. I do have to talk to them about stuff sometimes, and I hate hate hate when it gets fight-y. It is a learning process for me still, dealing with these guys and trying to keep this place afloat. It is much more important to have it good with them than it is to have everything in order. But I still try to do both.

The other day Sonja got to skip school and shop with me. As we were driving along, this terrible thought came into my head, as if I had jumped into the future, and was looking back at the day - with the thought, "I wish I had been nicer to her on that last day together." Okay, I do not think I am psychic, nor was I actually afraid that something bad was going to happen to Sonja, but still. Our days are numbered, and I don't think we really comprehend that. And for the record, I am always nice to Sonja anyway. But there is this Taking For Granted thing...I decided to just really make it a special day, talk to her and listen to her and spoil her a little.

My computer is not going to Jamaica with me. The internet costs per hour at the hotel we are going to, and I can live without it. So after tomorrow I will be On Vacation. It will rather kill me not to be able to write about things that happen, perhaps I will bring a notebook and a pen. Cheryl, perhaps you can write a few posts? Cheryl is expecting twin grandchildren this month, plus another grandchild in January. (this is very nice, because my nieces share their babies with their Aunt Della...in fact today is Gracie's birthday...nine years ago today I was with Kate when she was born, one of the very best days of my entire life)Anyway, Cheryl has been learning a thing or two about anxiety...perhaps she can write about it a little if she wants to, and encourage us a bit.

did I forget to blog today?

2011-12-01T22:05:00.002-05:00

oops. Must've been busy. I had to package up three things I sold on ebay, take them to the post office to ship, then take Mali shopping. She needed to get her Secret Santa gift, and I got her some shoes and some rain boots. Home again to make some dinner...meatballs with sauce on the side, wheat bread and butter for the kids, broccoli...homemade meatballs are always so good...seasoned bread crumbs, onions, garlic...oh yum.

Emily Anne stopped in for dinner. She is going to Jamaica! Emily, Abigail, Mirielle, and Mali! In January. For a week. They found a real bargain, and couldn't resist. They will have so much fun, and I would love to go with them.

In the Rescue Mission store, the Thrifty Shopper, I found myself a nice skirt and a shirt, plus a few cute little ornaments to bring home for the kids.

Okay, how apparent is it that I have nothing to say...the real truth is that there are several kids here in the living room, and I am way too nosy to sit here and concentrate when they are talking...so...until tomorrow...goodnight.

phew...got most of them out the door

2011-11-30T08:34:00.002-05:00

Not that I WANT the out the door, no it would suit me just fine to keep them all here. Sonja K. is staying home today. She has a bit of a cold, but mostly I am letting her go shopping with me today. I will be sure to teach her a little bit about prices and bargains, so her brain doesn't turn to mush missing a day of school.

She also is one of those kids who needs to touch base with Mommy, well, all of them do I suppose...but I was gone to the Dome yesterday before she even got home from school, then she was all tucked in and sleeping when I got home, so that means she needs to see me today.

Working at the Dome...how can I describe it? It is fun, because all of my bestest friends in the world are there, and my older kids usually work, yesterday it was Abigail, and Mirielle, and Aaron, and Paul was there....Syracuse won the game, too. I got to see a few plays. And I did have a Cookiewich, but it WAS my dinner. And it was good. The only bad part was that I took my break with Paul, Mr. Healthy himself. I asked him if he wanted a bite, and he just made this face, like, "Are you kidding me?" And he continued to eat the homemade beef jerky and almonds and apple he had packed. I ate a few almonds too, just to keep things healthy, ha. I really shouldn't have eaten the whole thing, but I did. I will just be extra careful today. And tomorrow. Oh, while I was eating it, Paul also mentioned real casual-like, "I didn't gain any weight over Thanksgiving, I actually lost some..." Ouch, I hate you. Not really. But the guy is not fat anyway, he just likes to be in shape, and he is. It is actually really nice to have someone to talk to about eating healthy and exercising, but for me, it is a bit different. I have to live this way forever and ever, and am afraid to be too totally strict with myself, or I will never be able to eat anything and I will gain five pounds. He also doesn't have the emotional attachment to food that I have. I mean, I didn't ask him if he had been thinking about Cookiewiches all day before the Dome, but I already know the answer. ha.

Good thing he is really cute and I love him to pieces.

The last day of November already. Tomorrow the Chocolate Calendars start. Hopefully this year we won't have any little rascals eating them all up.

I love this quiet time in the morning when the little one is still sleeping. But soon Camille will be going out that door in the morning too, and I am going to be sad. I remember when there were so many little ones here and it was never quiet...my mother said to me, "Some day you will hate the quiet." I found that very hard to believe.

I am selling a few things on ebay, which makes me feel like I have accomplished something and done something nice for the household expenses instead of just spending the money. Next year maybe I will sell a lot more.

Only four more nights, and we are on our way to Jamaica! It already feels like it is going to go by too fast. And I already wish we were going for longer than six nights. I will be missing the kids by then, but on our last few vacations, it really was hard to leave the sunshine and warmth and relaxation...I just crave that feeling of peacefulness, that slowing down of the thoughts...just the realization that I don't have to think about what's for dinner or who is going where or who has homework....so that my poor frazzled brain can take a break. And of course there is Paul...it is wonderfully nice to focus on him. And to have his attention. Yes, wonderfully nice.

But today I am not in Jamaica, and there is hardly any milk, no bananas, no salad stuff, so therefore Nothing To Eat, by kids' standards.

And there is a pile of pee-pee bedding waiting to go into the washer that just finished a load of pee-pee bedding.

And I should wash and match some socks for when I am gone.

And, I should plan the meals a bit for Mirielle.

And, and, and...oh, I can't wait to let my mind relax....

pre-thanksgiving weight again

2011-11-29T08:50:00.005-05:00

Was that pie really worth all this work to get it back off? Yes. Undoubtedly. Especially the lemon.

I am finding out that I cannot just eat "normal" anymore, or the pounds go back on. And I didn't even eat like I used to, I still exercised some restraint, such as no potatoes. No rolls. Oh well, there is a price to pay for anything that is worth anything, so I shall just pay and stop complaining about it.

Charlotte Claire is home from school today. She hasn't missed very many days, and she was just dragging this morning. So I asked her if she wanted to stay home. Camille was more than thrilled when she came stumbling out here this morning and discovered her buddy here on the couch. The look on her face was priceless when I told her Char wasn't going to school.

Yesterday Benjamin called. I talked to him for quite a while, during which Camille was setting up a store with her cash register and some food from the cupboards. She told me she would clean it up, "Promise!", she said. I asked Ben if I should believe her. He said, "No, of course not, but you should let her play anyway." Sure enough, last night at bedtime I had to get her to put the canned stuff away.

Going to the pool was not an option for me last night, I figured. Paul had to be picked up from work, he had a board meeting to go to, and the older kids were going over to the pool, so no one would be here with the younger ones, plus I was making dinner. Then Aaron volunteered to stay home and make dinner, and watch the kids so I could go to the pool instead of him. No, I couldn't possibly, I said. He insisted. Said it was fine, really. He was therefore In Charge of dinner, so he made the sauce into some excellent chili, and made a pan of rice, and some cornbread. I got to swim, and come into the house in time for dinner! (Joseph picked Paul up from work). The swim was welcome and refreshing, and not to be all mushy or anything, but it really warmed my heart that Aaron did that for me.

Ha, and I thought I didn't have anything to write about this morning.

I think I have enough clothes to wear in Jamaica. I wish I was a more confident person sometimes. I am tempted to envy people who are so sure of themselves. My mother used to tell me all the time to stand up straight and tall, and not to be ashamed of, "what God gave you." It embarrassed the heck out of me, but I tell the same thing to my girls now. No hunching over and slouching, please! But that confidence eludes me. I have to watch where I walk or I will trip, bump into things, do things all wrong. In theory I do not care what people think about me, but...ha, I still have a long way to go in that area.

And, of course the only thing that matters in the long run is what God thinks of me!

It was nice to talk to Benjamin. The boy is finally growing up. Not because he is an Infantryman and can shoot a rifle, or because he is a Medic and can fix up the injured guys, but because he went to The Goodwill store and bought a pair of jeans for five bucks. Yes, my boy who, a few years back,would blow a whole pizza-delivery paycheck on a jacket from some store in the mall.

So...will I be able to find all the Christmas stockings this year or will there be one someone left in their room then lost or threw away?

Will the tree lights work or will I have to play Switch-The-Bulbs?

How many more ornaments will have broken since last year?

How many more will they break as they decorate the tree?

We are getting the tree Saturday, "we" as in, "Paul". Jonathan and Sonja and maybe Sam will go with him. They will cut one down, and I will say it is the most beautiful tree ever, even if I have to turn the bad part toward the wall.

Today I get to go to the Dome for a Syracuse University basketball game. Football - I could do without, basketball, I love it. Syracuse basketball? Lovelovelove. They won the National Championship a few years back...oh, that was sweet. So working at the concession stand is fun. Can't really watch the game, but if I scrunch down I can see the scoreboard. Just being there with all the yelling and clapping...and of course when I take a break, I can go watch the game...and hopefully stay the heck away from the Cookiewiches. (a cookiewich is a totally miraculous creation: two huge home made tasting chocolate chip cookies, with soft ice cream twirled between them, frozen solid. It is SO good, but also over 500 calories. Should I skip lunch? Maybe I will take a break with someone and split one.)

I think I might finally be coming to terms with the No More Babies thing. I am not devastated or depressed, but I still have my moments. I dreamed recently that the baby I lost in August was still in there, alive and kicking. I woke up and just cried all over again. But for the most part I am okay with not having any more...okay, there IS this tiny flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, I will get pregnant again and the baby will thrive and maybe there will be two or three in there...ha.

My Camille is sitting here with me, all cuddled up. My Camille who is now four years old, and smarter than I am.

And now it is the dreaded Face Reality time. The house is much better than it was yesterday, because I swept and mopped and sorted and straightened and did laundry and hung up sweaters and jackets and put things away. Today has a few messes of it's own, but not nearly on the Monday scale.

who messed up this house?

2011-11-28T08:56:00.002-05:00

It wasn't me. that is the response I would get from any one of the kids. Well, it wasn't ME, either. But it is still my fault. I somehow didn't raise them right, I guess. Either that or we are just too busy on Sundays. I don't know. But this morning, blah, there is a counter full of dishes. And a sinkful. And, just stuff to be taken care of. The floors need to be swept every morning, and the dishwasher done after the kids leave for school. But Mondays just are messier. blah.

And it is rainy and overcast.

I only took a short cheaty walk this morning. It got late, and I spent too much time mingling with the older kids as they wandered in their dazes around the kitchen this morning, trying to stay out of each other's ways as they opened the 'fridge and stared into it, hoping something yummy for breakfast would just jump right out at them.

Samuel got up way too late, I made him some toast, but he refused, said he didn't feel well. Out the door he went, then back in he came, saying his head hurt. Back to bed for Samuel. I told him he is old enough (16) to decide if he wants to stay home sick, he is the one who has to make up the work.

We are going to get our Christmas tree next Saturday. This means re-arranging the whole living room so it can go into the corner. Do I feel like doing this? Of course not, but I will for the kids.

Today I have to put some beef in the dehydrator for Paul, run several loads of laundry through, clean up the house...and play with Camille. And exercise. And make something good for dinner that doesn't include turkey. Paul has a board meeting tonight, and some of the kids have band practice at church. Tomorrow I am working at the Dome. Oh, never a dull moment.

And...I have to try to figure out what I am bringing to Jamaica. I need to know if I have enough clothes for the week. I certainly have enough bathing suits! I remember last year in Dominican Republic wishing I had brought more clothes. The hotel we are going to this year won't be as fancy, but still. And the clothes I wore last year are too big, poor me. Ha, feel sorry for me anyone? That I can't find enough clothes for Jamaica? I know, it is lame. But I really only have this one jean skirt that fits. I did buy a few dresses, and a nice long white skirt. And a white button down shirt to go over my bathing suit (s). I have been scouring the clearance racks at all the stores, trying to find super cheap tank tops/skirts, but haven't been too successful. Maybe today I will get a chance to try some things on. Packing for a trip for me is complicated. I have to put as much as I can in my carry-on, because there is always that chance my luggage will get lost. I have to have at least one bathing suit, because I can't just go buy any old suit at a hotel shop if my luggage was lost. (perhaps someday, but not yet). And I like to bring a mini medicine cabinet, because I am a strong believer that if one doesn't pack anti-diarrhea meds, one will certainly get a bad case of the traveler's diarrhea. No tylenol? Headaches will abound. Bringing the triple antibiotic and some bandaids pretty much assures one will not get a cut, and the Benedryl will help ward off those allergic reactions. Plus, I need to bring my razor, I don't want prickly legs all week if my suitcase ends up in India. Does Paul go through all this? Nope.

I have also been selling a few things on ebay. One lady didn't realize she couldn't Buy It Now after she bid, so she wants me to cancel the auction and list it with only Buy it Now so she can Buy It Now. Well, that doesn't seem too nice to the others who are bidding. I have a few more things to list, perhaps one of my bathing suits, ha. I had better get to it, the days are passing quickly.

Camille is up now. She has her princess snuggie on, and is playing on the rug with Bendaroos, singing about the colors. She is the sweetest thing.

As we were getting ready to leave for church yesterday morning, I discovered a bag of candy bars I had hid in my room for Christmas stockings was not only opened, but almost gone. I asked who had been into them and got a chorus of, you guessed it, "Not me!"....as I started to launch a grand inquisition, I realized that it was not the time for such a thing. I am still wondering if I should ask more or just forget about it. One of the kids actually said that it is probably Daddy. Well, no. If Daddy discovered a bag of candy bars, he would have happily brought it out and passed them out. He loves giving things like that to the kids, and he doesn't eat much candy these days, it is not Paleo. He follows that diet mostly. Fruit and nuts and veggies and meat. He is not totally strict about it, he has coffee with cream, and an occasional dessert. But he is feeling quite good, following it. We are having fun eating healthy together, though it is not the same for him. He never had those days that only a stack of cookies would brighten. I started to tell him the other day how much of an emotional battle I had with food, and he just looked at me with this puzzled look on his face. Forget it, I said. If you don't get it, you don't get it. It is still hard to sit down with that afternoon coffee...just that afternoon coffee. No cookies, no treats. Just some chocolate chips once in a while. I used yummy things as a reward, as the commercial for Andes mints said, "The perfect little Thank Me." After all, I was tired and busy and stressed, I deserved to sit and put my feet up and have something good.

Now I feel like I deserve to spend the time on myself for walks and exercise. It does feel selfish sometimes, but it is a necessity. And I can't wait until things are in order around here, I just need to walk away from it and do what I need to do. It has become a priority, which does seem selfish, but if not, it would never get done, and my excuses would triumph. Because my excuses are quite clever, and plentiful.

Now, though, I shall go clean up some counters and get this place nice again.

almost bed time for the banshees...

2011-11-27T20:00:00.002-05:00

They have been active this afternoon. Camille fell and got a nice fat lip while twirling around and doing ballet. Then she was attempting to walk on Jon's back for him on the couch, when down she went. Last evening, they "trashed" their room. Emptied Duplos and Waffletown, dumped dress-up clothes and dollies, Barbies everywhere...laughing their heads off and being just generally full of the devil.

I wonder if it is the time of the year, if they get excited. I don't know.

Today was a good day. Church, eating together after, having some fellowship with friends after. Home, out for a second walk/run without Rosie-The-Arm-Pulling dog. It was sixty degrees out, and the leaves smelled yummy down in the woods. Dinner was leftover taco salad or leftover turkey and gravy and potatoes. I chose the taco salad, with no taco chips, just lots of veggies and the taco meat. It is not easy to forgo the carbs, but it is the only way for me. I have two extra pounds on me from last week, doesn't sound like much, but it was SO hard to lose in the first place, I don't want it back!

No more pie for me.

It smells so good in here, there is a piece of beef roasting in the oven, Paul is going to make jerky in the dehyrdator.

I spent some time with my niece Katie today, Cheryl's daughter. She is having a baby in January. I am so excited for her! She is married to Dave, and they have one daughter, Grace, who is Sonja's age. (I was there when Grace was born, and have always felt a special bond). Kate has Crohn's disease, and suffers much from it. This pregnancy hasn't been easy for her, but then, her life hasn't been easy. She was diagnosed with cancer when she was eight, leukemia, and took it like a little trooper. She is a teacher now, over at the school my kids attend. She is amazing, really. Sonja and Suzanne spent the afternoon over at their house today.

We have stacks of presents wrapped, thanks to Sonja, Kathryn, Evelyn. I am trying to get things ready for Christmas, since we are leaving next week for Jamaica. When we get back, it will be almost time for Ben and Ashley to come home, almost time for Christmas.

Motivation. I have it. I am almost afraid it will go back where it came from one of these days, which is I don't know where. I just know I am glad I have it. It will happen, I will get thin and in shape. When the scale is going down, I get so totally excited and ambitious, and can just almost see the future, how I am going to be able to move more and fit into anything I want to. When the scale doesn't move, it makes me mad, makes me try harder. When it is going UP, I get really resolved to get it back in the right direction. Of course it is all fine and easy to feel this way, but it is TRIED faith that is more precious than gold...and there will be temptations. I wanted ice cream tonight, I wanted taco chips, I wanted pie. I wanted mashed potatoes and gravy. I wanted chips today, I wanted cookies. But I didn't have them. I just didn't. It doesn't kill me, but it is hard. My mind tries to trick me and tell me it is okay this time, it is okay to have just a little. Anyway, this mental battle still rages, but I shall not give in. Not totally, anyway. If I give in a little bit here and there, I shall get back up and in the game.

And now it is really bed time....

is this eating yummy things thing over yet?

2011-11-26T10:00:00.008-05:00

Mirielle Joy making some real whipped cream. I had Emily take the picture because my older kids don't like when I come around with the camera. I should never have let them know about this blog...

Our turkey dinner was delicious...I can't decide what was the best, the sweet potatoes or the squash, or the stuffing...or of course the turkey. I only tasted the mashed potatoes, which had red potatoes with some skins still on, yum, and I skipped the rolls. The whole process of getting dinner on the table was fun - Joseph carved the turkey (some of the pieces were huge, I was laughing my head off at this one huge chunk he put on the platter, and he said, "What? You just cut off what you want!"). Emily had the task of peeling the skin off the squash and mashing it up with butter. The little kids put the rolls on the pans, lots of us peeled the potatoes, I mashed them up. Mirielle did the sweet potatoes, Aaron put the olives in bowls, Margaret put the pickles out, Abigail did the cranberry sauce, I made the gravy. The younger girls set the table.

After dinner we had pie, and played Scattergories. One of the things was, "Things Cheryl hates" (my sister Cheryl)...and the letter was, "S". Only one person said spiders! The blueberry pie was really good, but the chocolate mousse pie Mirielle made was...well, it was just plain deadly. I was glad it got eaten all up. There are still too many pies around here, I just have to pretend they are horrible. I have had enough good stuff, even though the pieces of pie I had were very small. I didn't totally pig out, but I am still up a few pounds, no fair.

Today, the older kids are at the Dome for a football game, Paul is hunting, and we are just chilling. Yes, there is work to do, but I am thinking of taking these younger kids somewhere fun....

how come we can't have Christmas right now?

2011-11-25T16:14:00.002-05:00

Well, Charlotte Claire dear, it just isn't Christmas yet. I know there are ten presents stacked up on the table here in the living room, and we have lights in the windows. But that's just because Mom is trying for once to be prepared and get things done ahead of time. Evelyn is wrapping presents for me right now. She was one of the Midnight Shoppers last night, and already knows what is for who.

It is smelling good in here, the turkey will be done in a few hours. Four of the kids are peeling potatoes, I need to get out to the kitchen and prepare squash and make stuffing. It is cozy in here, and fun. Paul is out hunting with Sam again. We just got back a little while ago from Walmart. The whole store seemed exhausted from what went on there in the wee hours. The bargains were depleted, but we didn't really need any bargains anyway. We needed kitten chow and cat food and milk and salad stuff. We also got some bananas and yogurt. And some sweat pants for Kathryn for $4.37, and some cute sleeper jammies for the little girls, with princesses on them. And a new bra for me, since I am, sorry to say, floating in mine.

I sold something on ebay, Paul shipped it for me today. Yay! I always think I am going to sell things, but don't get to it...it feels nice to accomplish something.

Things are going on, Abigail is here, so I shall write more later...and, thanks to Kathryn, who was the winner of the Ten Dollar Who-Can-Find-My-Camera-Battery-Charger, my camera is now up and running, and hopefully the kids won't object to me getting some pictures later....

ugh, pie!

2011-11-24T20:42:00.007-05:00

Princess Camille with her dolly...and the nice little dolly afghan her Aunt Kim made her for her birthday.
Princess Camille thinks she knows how to do ballet.
Mali, Kathryn in the back, and Emily on the end...talking to Ben and Ashley
Camille, Charlotte Claire, Sonja, and Jonathan, talking to Benjamin and Ashley on skype...showing them Kitty Kitten...

Charlotte and Camille love each other.

So...we had our brunch today. Scrambled eggs with onions, red and green peppers, and cheddar cheese. Cinnamon rolls. Baked french toast with brown sugar and butter - which carmelized and YUM, strawberries and blueberries, bacon, sausage, orange juice, coffee....we postponed the turkey dinner until tomorrow because of Emily-The-Nurse's work schedule...and she got the call as she went out the door this morning that she didn't have to come in if she didn't want to. She didn't. But she didn't know until 2:30ish if they wanted her to come in at three o'clock, so we decided not to put the turkey in the oven. She ended up here all day...we had pizza for dinner, then...pie. Apple, pumpkin, home made chocolate, and lemon merangue. I had only one small piece of each..then I finished Camille's chocolate. Ugh. But it was good. And, I had no cinnamon rolls, only one piece of French toast, and only two small slivers of pizza.

Emily and I took the little ones for a walk today. I raced Jon back to the house, and beat him. Ha, he IS only seven, but still. I surprised him.

The kids are going shopping tonight, nine of them. The new Black Friday hours start tonight at ten, so off they go with our credit card. I hope they generally keep to my list. Merry Christmas to them, right? Abigail and Mirielle and Joseph and Aaron and Mali and Sam and Margaret and Kathryn and Evelyn are going. I am staying home with Paul and the little ones...

uh-huh, I lost FIFTY POUNDS!!!

2011-11-22T22:16:00.002-05:00

yay!! I did not even celebrate with ice cream.

But now Emily is here watching a movie with the other kids, and she is baking chocolate chip cookies. I did tell her that I hate her, but she put them in the oven anyway. The smell is starting to permeate the air now...oh, how can I escape this? I hate loving things so much. I already had a handful of chocolate chips. Some people say that if you don't eat bad things anymore, you won't want them anymore. Well, I am an exception to THAT rule. And some people say that if you don't eat sugar anymore, sugar will not taste good anymore. ha. And tomorrow, we are baking pies! Pies are my downfall! My utter destruction! I cannot resist a pie, especially a homemade pumpkin pie! Or apple either....and to make it worse, I heard Mirielle tell Emily she was going to make homemade chocolate pie. When I mentioned I had the cook kind of chocolate pudding mix, Mirielle just made a face. Homemade to her is not from the pudding box. So what should I do? Tape my mouth shut? Perhaps I will put on one of my new bathing suits and wear it around for a few days. One does not eat pie in a bathing suit. ha.

Uh oh, I smell burned cookies. I am so mean, I almost thought, "Good!!", but that would make me feel bad to rejoice about something like that. Maybe I will have just one....ugh.

frosty morning

2011-11-22T08:47:00.002-05:00

and a cheaty little walk. Didn't set my alarm last night, so I woke up a half hour late. Well, after waking up several times to check and make sure I wasn't oversleeping. Anyway, it was late, so Rosie and I went out...she did her business, and we turned around and headed home. I jogged a little bit, then jogged past our mailbox, which confuses the poor dumb dog. A short sweet walk with some extra jogging thrown in to ease the conscience. I am finding that when I am losing weight at a good pace, I am not so hard on myself.

If you haven't had the chocolate covered raisins from BJ's yet, do not try them. You will eat way too many of them.

I also bought a 22 ounce bag of sugarless bubble gum for $1.99. It isn't too bad, and the kids really like it.

The turkey is thawing in the refrigerator. I think we have everything we need. Wait, did I get black olives? Pickles? rats. Cranberry sauce? I suppose I should check. We do have the turkey, and two bags of stuffing, and some potatoes and sweet potatoes and pumpkin and apples for pies and flour and sugar and shortening and heavy cream, oh deadly real whipped cream...

We are not having turkey on Thanksgiving because Emily will be working, we will have our dinner on Friday night with her. On Turkey Day we are having a big brunch with overnight French Toast, scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, fruit, juice, coffee.

Sometimes my head just spins. Is it humanly possible to take care of several things at once? One of the reasons I like to sit here in my chair in the evenings is because I can talk to the kids about things, sign papers and check homework and answer questions, things that are hard to do when I am trying to do other things.

There are so many other things to take care of...Aaron is having his surgery in December, to take out the pectus bar he had "installed" three years ago. He had a severely depressed sternum, so he had some major surgery done...a bar with a "u" shaped dip in the middle was put in, then flipped, which pushed the sternum out. It was very painful, but fixed the problem, made it easier for Aaron to breathe, especially when running or exerted. Now, the bar has to come back out. I am still straightening out the bills for his last surgery for his broken nose, which happened at school, which school insurance should be covering after our insurance, but isn't....and so on. Just things to take care of.

Camille wants, "bekfreast".

The kids have a half day of school today, then a five day vacation. Yay!! Hopefully no homework to do, either. Except for the college kids. Joseph gets to drive Paul to work every morning so he can share the minivan, since his car died. Last night I volunteered to pick Paul up, oh nice me. Ha, got to drive there in quiet, then drive home with just him to talk to with no interruptions. Not that I MIND interruptions, I love them all so much. But still, sometimes silence is golden. My youngest interruption is snuggling with me right now, Kitty Kitten bit her on the forehead. He tries to tell her he wants to get down, but she doesn't listen until he puts his foot down.

The Fifty Pound Lost milestone is almost here. I subtract from how much I weighed that day at the dr. at the end of March. So it has to be an afternoon weight, fully clothed with shoes on. I think I may hit it today. If so, I shall celebrate with a huge bowl of ice cream. Not really. This has been an amazing journey, this weight loss thing. Suffering and hitting plateaus and wondering if I will ever succeed, then rejoicing when I see the lower numbers and when the clothes get baggy. Walking up those Dome stairs and not dying, having more energy and feeling better. I can totally and honestly say that the benefits have far outweighed the sufferings! Last night for dinner I served seasoned waffle-fries, the good ones, Alexia brand, I had a coupon. They were SO good, I had a few tastes. But that is all I do now, when it is something full of carbs, I just have it as a "taste". I had baked chicken breast, broccoli, and a bowl of hot cooked spinach with lemon pepper. I eat lots, get full, but eat the right things, most of the time anyway. I could be stricter, of course, but then I fear I would be more prone to binging. I don't want to feel deprived, and most of the time I don't.

There is frost on the grass and Camille wants to know if she can eat it. Suzanne stayed home today (she said they didn't do anything yesterday, and it is only a half day...), so Suze is taking her out to see it.

Perspective: I am going to die someday. We all are. The things we count as important and take such pains with shall all be nothing some day. Just think to live in such a way so that we can stand before God on that day and not tremble with fear. Every day we have choices! We can forgive and be kind and not get offended and bless and give more and forgive again and talk less and listen more and not argue and give more....or, we can blame everyone and complain and be stingy and offended. It is certainly in our nature to be like that, complain-y and blame-y. Ah, but we know better than to live like that! It brings division and unhappiness. Okay, maybe I have been treated meanly by someone. Do I have to be mean back? Will that fix things? Make me feel better? Never mind, I shall stop preaching. Sometimes I just get so thankful for the way that Jesus made, and I read the paper in the morning and see the sufferings people go through because of sin...blah. The bible is not just a book, no it is a way of happiness and peace.

So...now I shall take up my cross, fight my own battles, so that I can be a good example to my kids..ha, that is the hardest part. It is easy to tell them to be patient, but to be an example in patience when I am so filled with impatience...God is good!!!

another weekend gone....

2011-11-21T08:39:00.002-05:00

Too fast again. Saturday - worked at the Dome, concession stand. Now the Dome is on a hill. A very evil hill. We walked up the evil hill. Then to add insult to injury, we had to climb some steps. Lots and lots of steps. My poor heart was pounding and my knee was clicking. But I didn't die. Stood on my feet for hours on a concrete floor, filling sodas and nacho trays. Then home for a quick clothes change and to the Couple's Conference. We got there right in time for dinner. It was warm and welcoming and good to be there, but we felt rather disconnected since we had missed so much of the day. And we were tired. I kept zoning out, which would have easily led to some snoring if the chair were a teensy bit more comfy...

Yesterday we got up and went to the morning meeting at the conference, then home...then for me, some shopping with Sam and Kathryn and Evelyn. I took them to KFC/A&W, they got burgers and fries. I did snag two fries, then ate some popcorn chicken, which is very deadly, but not too terrible a choice, considering the choices. I looked it up when I got home, and since I shared with the kids a little, it was about 500 calories. ouch.

I got home from shopping in time for dinner. The house looked clean and shiny, I asked Paul if he had spent all day cleaning, and he said he basically had. ouch. I hate when he does that. He doesn't like that the dog gets the floors dirty, but I am betting that even without the dog, our uncarpeted floors would get dirty fast. I had just swept and mopped the other day, but it doesn't last long....so I gave the dog another bath...and I said for the millionth time that I am getting rid of her. No fun having a dog you love to pieces when others don't appreciate her. And she has been raised in the house, I can't just make her an outside dog just because she gets the floors dirty. I hate dirt on the floors, and am always sweeping and mopping...but to me it is worth it. blah. I know that just because Paul cleans up it doesn't mean he thinks I am not doing enough, he just likes it clean, but it always makes me feel so inadequate. But then I have had a long busy weekend, and can't possibly do everything. But one thing I CAN do is watch my thoughts. I found myself so offended! Poor me! The thoughts can just snowball, and then I am a wreck. But NO! I don't want to be mad at Paul, don't want to feel sorry for myself...

Today the kids have a half-day of school, and tomorrow I have to go to Parent/Teacher Conferences.

This morning my sister's grandson, William, is coming over. He is three years old, almost, and is really really cute. Today it will just be Camille for him to play with. He will probably be surprised how quiet it is here without Jonathan and the other girls following him around vying for his attention.

On the scale: another new number! It is working, this suffering of mine! Every single time I see a lower number, I get so encouraged all over again! The only problem is that I have only one skirt that really fits right now. So many of my shirts are baggy, too. And for our trip, blah, I have five bathing suits, but not really enough clothes. But where can one find hot weather clothes in November here in the Northeast? For cheap? Oh well, I am sure I will survive. Ha, poor me, right? Not enough outfits for Jamaica....

Now I shall get moving and get a load of laundry started before William gets here...

brr, it's cold in here...

2011-11-18T09:03:00.002-05:00

Winter is a-coming. My walk this morning was too too cold. I had on two sweaters under my sweatshirt, my exercise pants with shorts over, my hood up...but the wind ripped right through my clothes, and froze my fingers. I went to the top of the first hill, and turned around. So that I didn't miss out on too much exercise, I ran part of the way back home, then went right past the driveway to the neighbor's mailbox...Rosie didn't understand this change in routine, and kept hopping in front of me and asking where the heck we were going...

Anyway, it is chilly. We only got a little bit of snow, but there was some on the ground this morning, and on the deck, which made the kids happy.

Last night our dinner was so pleasant. Chicken that had marinated in Caribbean Jerk sauce, plus some in just Italian dressing for the younger kids (the jerk is very spicy), extra fine long green beans (from Aldi, they are so good), and some brown and serve rolls. Camille put the rolls out on the baking tray for me, then I had to leave to pick Sam up from basketball. Camille was standing on a chair next to the counter with the rolls on it, and said to me, "Don't worry Mom, I'll keep an eye on the rolls for you." ha, she has heard us say that about things that are in the oven..

We made corn muffins for Sonja's Native American project, too. Plus some mini ones for the kids to eat with dinner. I tasted one, pretty good. That tablespoon of brown sugar does wonders to the recipe.

Only sixteen days 'til Jamaica!! I am coming to terms with the knowledge that I can't lose twenty pounds before I go. Actually, I haven't done too badly, I figured it out...I have lost almost 50 pounds now, in 33 weeks. That is 1.8 pounds per week average. Obviously it isn't each and every week like clockwork, there was that time with being pregnant and after, where I just stayed the same for so long..then the dreaded September Plateau....but on average, not too bad. If I can keep this up for another year...I'll be way too thin! ha, that sounds funny, me thin!

This weekend is a Couple's Weekend for our church. I have been looking forward to it so much..but...we have a basketball game at the Dome, it is a commitment, can't get out of it...and not enough people to staff it with just the younger singles, so Paul and I are going to work. He volunteered first, and I decided I would rather be at the Dome with him than at the Couple's thing without him.

My two oldest daughters are such good girls. Abigail gave the okay to Jonathan to spend the night at their apartment tonight. He just loves that. Last night Emily was here for dinner, so she took his bedding and clean clothes home with her so she can pick him up from school and take him home...she is also picking Evelyn and Sonja and Charlotte Claire up...pair that with me giving them ice cream money this morning, and they went out the door happy!

My special Thursdays With Mali are over! Next week is Thanksgiving, then she will have exams, then she is done with her pre-requisites....next semester, she is a real nursing student! She gets to wear scrubs! She is very excited. Life will get busier for her. I am mourning the end of those special Thursdays...even though I dreaded being the passenger while she learned to drive.

Ah well, time to get moving...Camille is waiting for me.

oh, the things I would like to do...

2011-11-17T08:53:00.002-05:00

I want to paint my kitchen. It was fine for a while, I actually liked it, pale buttercream - the palest yellow. Now I want...well, I don't know what I want, but not yellow. Something warmer, that blends more with the living room. I also want new curtains, which I will make because buying curtains is expensive, and I never see any I can like for cheap enough. I do not like the kitchen valances at all anymore.

I need to put some stuff up on ebay.

My Christmas shopping used to be so easy, just stock up on toys year round, decide what to give who, wrap it up. Now, the kids are older. Only like the five youngest really play with toys. The older kids...blah. Boots? Coats? Electronics? Expensive! And if I DO happen to spend a bit on something nice for them, they assume I just peeled the clearance sticker off. ha. Anyway, I have to get my act together and get my Christmas shopping done. Well, started.

Thanksgiving is next week, too. The turkey I got was 25 1/2 pounds, it should be enough. I should make a list of everything we will want to have, and make sure I have the ingredients.

And...I need to wash socks again. Wash and match.

I would like a day with no interuptions, and a good helper or two, in which to organize my kitchen cupboards. I spend more time looking for things...so many people using the kitchen and putting things back in different places...and, I have a serious Organizational Deficiency. Once things get organized, which I can occasionally accomplish, they do not stay that way. When I get something cleaned out and fixed up just so, I promise I will keep it that way, ha. So the insides of my cupboards are...well, it looks like a crazy slob lives here. Hey, a whole group of them.

And to think that the number one comment I get from strangers is, "You must be SO organized!!" ha. ha ha ha.

The living room is all picked up and swept and clean, and the kitchen is decent. It isn't sticky and gross in here, just Lived In.

And don't open the cupboards.

The shoe area, oh, way too many shoes and sneakers and boots and sandals. Yes, I should put those away, the sandals.

Mittens! I have to get out the mittens!

So many things to do.

And here I sit, typing about it.

It was nice to have a day with Suzanne yesterday. Suze is an interesting girl. She is way too smart for her britches, and can be wickedly sarcastic. But she has a soft heart, and loves to take care of the younger ones. She absolutely blooms with one-on-one attention, talks my ear off. It is nice taking just one of them (and Camille, of course) out to the store like we did yesterday. I let her get some big gumballs from the bulk food section, and a new toothbrush. She got to pick the cereal kind too.

Sonja has her Native American project due tomorrow. We wimped out and chose to do a food item, corn bread of course. I have helped with so many longhouses through the years....I have to remember to get corn meal today, no more days to forget.

In a few hours Jonathan and I shall take the long drive down to the airport and pick up Paul.

Oh, and I have lost a few more ounces. ha, ounces. The scale went down the other day to a number I haven't seen in years and years...and this morning it was .0 on the end of that number instead of .6. I will take it! It seems that being really careful for most of the time, than having some splurges to break the plateaus, is what works for me. I had really wanted to lose like 14 pounds from the time we booked our vacation to the time we would leave, but I have lost only six. Oh well, still have a few weeks!

Okay, I am boring even myself here, I shall get moving, get some exercise, take a shower, clean up around here...fun, oh fun.

I should be in bed...

2011-11-16T22:43:00.002-05:00

I am plenty tired enough. But. Not wound down enough yet. Paul is coming home tomorrow, yay! And I am getting super-excited about Christmas! Yes, I know we haven't even had Thanksgiving yet. We aren't having our Thanksgiving on Real Thanksgiving anyway, we are having it on Friday night, because Emily-The-Nurse has to work.

So in my excitement, I decided to put some Christmas lights up. Now, this should be relatively easy, right? I bought new ones for the upstairs windows, and those nice little battery candles for the downstairs windows. They even have timers so we don't have to turn them all on and off each day. Well...blah. It took me so long to get those lights hung up...and do you think the kids in the bedrooms downstairs wanted those nice candles in their windows? Nope. I put my foot down. I told Aaron if he didn't have one, it would make the whole house look awful. He probably thinks I am nuts, but he consented to have one.

So...then it was after dinner (corned beef, roasted carrots and potatoes), and time to pick Samuel up from basketball tryouts...Aaron just happened to have just asked me to make him some cookies...so I bribed him. He picked up Sam for me, I made cookies. A triple batch of chocolate chip. One bag of Ghiardelli milk chocolate, and a bunch of regular dark chips...I use half shortening, half butter, and a 2/3 ratio of brown sugar to white. The dough was so good, I ate like 300 calories worth. Good thing I had an otherwise excellent eating day. I did eat one cookie this evening, too, oh so good. I packed up some for Aaron and Mirielle to bring to their clinicals tomorrow.

It only took two hours.

But Sam was doing homework at the table, and I had kids coming in and out for tastes and to "help", so it was fun. At bedtime Jon remembered that he also had some homework (bad Mom award!!). oops. He finished it up and got in bed a little bit late...he wants to go to the airport with me so badly tomorrow. And since I am so nice, I think I will let him. Just the thought of him at school thinking of me going to pick up Daddy without him, too sad. Sonja doesn't care as much, and Charlotte Claire would be fine to see him when she gets off the bus. But Jonathan...he is fascinated by the airport. It makes me wish we could actually take him on a plane. We need to win a family vacation to Disney or something. Ha, Jon would be so excited and overstimulated we would have to drug him to take him on the plane.

Not really.

Anyway, moot point, because we are not going to Disney.

Suzanne did have an ear infection, I took her to Dr. today.

We went to Wegmans for her prescription, and I got a huge turkey, almost 30 pounds.

Every year we count down to Christmas with chocolate calendars. The cardboard things with a little chocolate behind each door. They only cost a dollar each from Aldi. Well, for quite a few years we had kids sharing, sometimes three to a calendar. This year they get their own, because only like seven of them are interested. But I told them they have to each pick an older one to share with. Because it makes me feel like they are too spoiled to get their own.

Oh, I think the over-eating this past weekend helped break my plateau, I lost another pound. Until I ate that cookie dough, that is. blah.

I did fit in some exercise this afternoon after the dr. and grocery shopping. It wasn't easy. Kitty Kitten and Camille keep me distracted. And if the school kids come home, they come in and find me and have a laugh at me jogging in place and exercising my arms. But as Sonja so kindly said to me this afternoon, "Well, it does look like it's working. You aren't nearly as fat as you used to be." Thank you, dear.

And now, I shall try to go to bed. (Kitty Kitten is being crazy, racing down the hall and jumping at invisible enemies, batting things around.)

really bad dream...

2011-11-16T08:51:00.002-05:00

I should have woken feeling rested, since I was in bed by eleven, but when the alarm went off at 6:30, I woke up crying my eyes out. My dream....

There was a big party, and my parents were there. I knew it was special to be with them, and I enjoyed this greatly. (I am amazed how my mind could so vividly create this scenario, it was like watching a video of them, the way my dad would chuckle when something hit him as funny, and they way my mother was, just thankful to be there and to be around all of her kids...)anyway, the dream got bad...invaders came, with guns. I was then hovering above, seeing blood and then just my mother was there, with everyone else lying on the floor, bleeding...next thing I knew, I was being taken away with the kids. We had to walk really far to an old animal hospital. We were ushered in, and the mean hard-hearted woman in charge was giving each of the kids a stall with a steel examining table in it. I tried to share with Camille, but she wouldn't let me. Camille kept saying, "This is NOT my room, there are no blankets.." I tried to give her my blue sweatshirt, but the mean woman wouldn't let me, she just closed the doors on all the kids, and led me away. That's when I woke up. Blah.

So...today I am thankful that it was only a dream. And, since I AM a licensed psychiatrist, I have determined that I have separation anxieties. I obviously miss my parents, and hate sending my kids out the door everyday, but I dread the day Camille will join them. I also suspect that I may have some sleep apnea, and the bad dreams are desperate attempts my body makes to wake myself up. Because I am a regular doctor, too, of course.

In any case, I wanted to go in and wake Camille up and hug her and tell her I would never leave her in a stall with no blankets...wah.

She is up now, all snuggly and sweet with her Night-time Barbie in her arms.

Suzanne is here too, she has an earache. I put some of Camille's prescription drops in it last night, but she says it still hurts, feels like it is popping out. blah, to the Dr. we go again. We also need to stop at Wegmans for another turkey, since Thanksgiving is next week. We are out of sugar, too, which doesn't bother me, but the girls like it in their tea, and we will be baking pies next week.

We did manage to make it to the pool last evening, which was fun.(Suze stayed here with Joe because her ear hurt) Charlotte and Camille love to go, they love everything about it. They like getting into the lockers, (I mean literally getting INTO the lockers, they fit in them) they like hanging all their clothes up just so, they like taking showers afterward...they take forever and a day about everything, and I am like, "come ON, you two!" I suppose I should take a lesson and enjoy it more.

I might be able to go again tonight after I drop Samuel off at basketball tryouts. He has to be picked up again at 7:15, and wants me to take him to get some sneakers, since he is confident he won't be cut. Never a dull moment.

Paul comes home tomorrow, finally. It has been long enough. I miss him and really can hardly wait to see him. I am also glad he has missed me too, that feels so nice! (he texted me and told me so)

I am all out of things to say this morning....

what I am most thankful for....

2011-11-15T09:22:00.002-05:00

Today is one of those days. One of those crazy days, and it is only nine in the morning. Perhaps my perception is tainted by the pain in my poor legs from working at the dome all the live-long day yesterday (left around noon, got home at 10:30pm)...but. This morning...I took Miss Rosie for her walk, and played Avoid The Dead Frogs. I did win, I think, because I didn't step on any. I tried to play for Rosie too, yanking her this way and that, because, yuck. Home again, time to get the kids ready for school...clothes out, lunches made, then found out Jon didn't finish his homework while I was gone yesterday...then, he had a dental sealant permission slip that he needed filled out today, the girls who were absent yesterday needed excuses, Evelyn needed a note to stay after for student council, and I had to purchase the Save Around Town coupon book the PTO is selling, Sonja needed payment TODAY. So...out the door the second trip kids went, letting not only the kitten out accidentally, but Bad Rosie ran out too, straight to the neighbors, laughing her head off the whole time we called her to come back...

blah. I also had to dry and fold the huge load of smocks we wear at the Dome, so they can be picked up from here and used again. I haven't actually finished that yet....

And here I am. Tired already.

We only have half a gallon of milk, and are running out of fresh stuff.

The Dome work is fun, but it is hard to be on my feet for so long. Not too terribly hard though. I sprayed and salted the pretzels, filled nacho trays, and filled sodas as they were ordered. I also had a few breaks, and ate Deadly Dome Food, yes, I did. A Cookie-wich again. And, a sausage with peppers and onions, without the bun. And a coney, but not the bun. blah. Way over with the calories. Today will be a lean day!

I got the big van stuck in the soggy ground in front of my sister's house last night, after the Dome. Just the right side, but I was stuck. It had rained while we were gone, the ground was not soggy when I so smartly parked there. The more I tried to get it out, the more stuck it got, so Thomas (Susan who is having twins husband) pulled it out with his truck. Thank you, Thomas!

Anyway, I was planning to write what I am thankful for. Here goes...

1. Paul. Even though he is in Ireland this week, it is such a good feeling to love someone, and even to miss him so much.

2. When my kids choose to live their lives pleasing to God. One daughter said to me recently, "Mom, I know that if I go to the meetings and testify, and go to the youth gatherings, then I need to be more faithful here at home, and get along better with you or none of it is worth anything, so, I am really trying." Okay. How can anything in the entire world be better than that???!

3. Knowing that Ben will be home for Christmas! Now, Ben wasn't exactly the model son for some of his teenage years...no, he was a handful. We got to the point where we wondered where he was even going to end up, he tried college like three times, ect. He seems finally to have grown up, and is on track with his life. I feel like we have finally gotten him back, but can't quite have him yet, since he is away in the Army and going to deploy in 2012....but I am very thankful he is coming home for Christmas. (and Ashley, too!)

4. For this motivation I have to get into better shape. I don't know where it came from, but if I could bottle it up and sell it, I would be a billionaire. I did have a bad day yesterday, but I won't do that again today. Back on track.

5. Ebay. Yes, ebay. I bought another bathing suit the other day, for $2.99, with three dollars shipping. It hasn't come yet, and I am excited to get it. I have also bought the 75 cent one, plus three more expensive ones...why do I need five new bathing suits? I don't. I think I just had this idea that one of them would actually look sensational. But let's face it, I am not going to look fab in a bathing suit, not even if I lose another 75 pounds...there was this hope though, that if I found just the right one....

And of course all the other things like running water and the washer and dryer and all my lovely kids...and my friends and my sister and her nice daughters and the nice days for walking, and of course morning coffee....

Camille is up, and in her usual Punish Mama For Leaving Yesterday Mode, is saying over and over again that she wants her breakfast. So I shall scoop her up in her little Princess Snuggy, and give her some cuddles, then some breakfast...

monday again already?

2011-11-14T09:17:00.002-05:00

No fair, weekends go by way faster than I want them to. Thankfully the older kids were thoughtful and helped clean up the kitchen after that all-afternoon and evening baking and cooking and eating dinner marathon we had yesterday. The thing is, I always feel like I have lost so much ground when Monday rolls around again...like I finally get the place almost where I want it by Friday, then ahh, the weekend...and things pile up again, and ugh, Monday again! Laundry is piled up, and sweaters dangle from chair arms, books grace couches, and the newspaper pile on top of the dog cage starts taking over...of course there are Nerf guns and Barbie dolls, but also some dirty socks here and there, and this morning there are kernals of dried corn here and there...Abigail took the kids for a walk on Saturday, they collected ears of corn...what fun! They took the kernals off the cobs and have bowls of them to play with for their dolls. rrr. I told them we are going to have rats and mice!

So, since I have to leave here in a few hours for the Dome, I will do a quick pick up, sweep, throw in a load of laundry, and it will have to do for today.

I was thinking this morning about how backwards we think, the things we value that really have no value, such as our looks. Not too long ago, someone told me that I look younger and younger as the years go by. This is not true, but still, I liked hearing it. I don't wear make-up except for on Halloween, don't blow dry or curl my hair, ect. But I am still full of vanity. And it is so selfish and useless! There is so much to work on on the inside! Not that it is bad to look nice and neat, not at all...but these vain things can be such a smokescreen, such a distraction from what is really important in life. Sometimes I imagine what it will be like to actually stand before God someday. I want to hear that I have been a good and faithful servant! Not that I wasted so much time on myself...

The other night as I rode home from home the Dome with six of my kids (Emily, Mirielle, Joseph, Aaron, Mali, and Sam), they started talking about when they were little. They ganged up on me, and reminded me of times when they did bad things and got in big trouble, got some spankings. I was tempted to justify myself, but...the truth is that although I did do the best I could at the time, I am a work in progress, and have changed the way I think about alot of things, and if I could do it all over, I would have overlooked so many more things! Anyway, last night as we were cleaning up the kitchen, a few of them were teasing me about my lack of organization and how I can't keep the house clean...but one of them said, "I think you are a good mother, just not a good housekeeper." Now THAT was music to my ears!!!

I guess the moral to this story is to get that connection with God, so that you aren't harsh and right, but humble and willing to yield. Then no matter what you do, it will go well. There is no "one way" to do things, but God gives grace to the humble.

And that is my sermon for the day. ha. Now, off to face Monday!!

turkey dinner

2011-11-13T21:58:00.003-05:00

Fifteen of the kids were here this evening for a turkey dinner...it was supposed to be simple. Well, it got bigger and bigger. From just a turkey and gravy and a veggie, Mirielle made home made rolls...then Emily brought in some squash, which had to be cut and scooped and baked and peeled and mashed and seasoned. She also brought some apples, piles of them...so we HAD to make pies. And Mali doesn't eat turkey, so she peeled ten pounds of potatoes....she wanted some real mashies...I made some green beans to make up for the small spoon of potatoes I let myself have...but then the pies, oh dear the pies!!! Fresh and hot out of the oven, so good and yummy! I remembered we had vanilla ice cream in the freezer...but I skipped that. Well, one spoonful. The pie and the squash were best, but the turkey was excellent too.

We sat at the table for a few hours and laughed and talked. Joseph and Aaron and Mirielle and Sam cleaned up the kitchen. Now we have leftovers for tomorrow's dinner, which is good because I am going to the Dome again.

ahh...um...say a prayer for my sister tonight, please. She is having a small surgery tomorrow morning, which I will not share about since I don't know if she wants me to. I won't say anymore now, but please pray for her. We have had many miracles here, and God weighs and measures these trials of ours. And Cheryl, I truly hope you didn't get the wrong impression on the phone, I am very concerned, just didn't want to get all upset on you.

quick post before heading to....

2011-11-12T10:24:00.002-05:00

The Dome! I am looking forward to the fun and fellowship part of working with the people from church, but I am not looking forward to the aching knees and feet. My knees have been really achy lately, so I didn't do any running this morning on my walk.

Emily, Mirielle, Joseph, Aaron, Mali, Samuel, and I will be going. I have an hour to get ready, and need to make a lunch so I don't eat the Dome food...pretzels, hot dogs, sausages, nachos with cheese...yum but yuck.

My weight has been steadily decreasing this week, but in very tiny increments. Better than gaining though. And I did have dark chocolate last evening. Two squares, 125 calories worth. And when I passed out blueberry crumb cake and vanilla ice cream with chocolate fudge swirl to the kids last night, I had a tiny, mini portion. I almost got derailed when Char didn't want her ice cream, but thankfully Jon claimed it.

Ah well, time to get ready...

11/11/11 -more than a day off from school...

2011-11-11T09:15:00.002-05:00

blah blah blah, more than enough has been said about the soldiers who have served, given their lives, how their families have suffered and sacrificed so we can enjoy our freedom. Right? Well...now that my own son is in the Army, it hits closer to home. Those numbers, those statistics, those "casualties", those are husbands and wives and sons and daughters and brothers and sisters and mommies and daddies...and I am thankful for them.

I wish I could give my Benjamin a big hug today on his birthday. But since I can't, I will write him a quick letter, which will get there late, but better late than never.

And...just for the record: I try not to pass on my "lifestyle change" anxieties to my kids. Try, anyway. One of my girls has an eating disorder. I love her to pieces and of course would do anything and everything to help her. I know where she's coming from, especially in these last few months as I have become more obsessed with losing this weight. I wonder if she sees herself in me as much as I see myself in her. When I missed a work-out recently, she said to me, "Mom, it is only ONE DAY!" Role reversal! Anyway, I really try not to bring my issues to the family, I don't want them to ever feel judged or guilty about eating what they want to eat. That is why this blog has been such a help for me...I can get it all out here...and if anyone is sick and tired of it, I do not blame them one bit. But. I would rather blah-blah-blog about it than go on and on about it at the dinner table.

I would like to say that my house is spotless and the laundry is all caught up for our day off...ha. It isn't too bad in here. We can do a quick pick-up and then have the day. I bought some beads with alphabet letters on them, thought maybe we could make some bracelets later. These guys like to just hang out and relax on the days at home. And, the weather has turned! Snow mixed with rain is headed this way. My walk was FREEZING this morning. I only had my sweatshirt on, no sweater underneath, brr.

And now I am all out of things to say...for now anyway!

hopefulness

2011-11-10T22:53:00.002-05:00

I am realizing how much doubt I have about losing weight.

Even though I have already been, um, successful, it is hard to be hopeful.

Tonight I was ravenous. We went to the dr., then to Walmart (where I found some one dollar racks...skirts for the little girls for a buck each!), then home...all with Mali driving. Home...just a quick stop in with the food and other goodies, then off to pick up the Big Van. Home again to collect some children for the pool...on the way there I realized I hadn't eaten anything besides the fruit and yogurt parfait from McDonalds, in several-everal hours. My tummy was growling. Since I didn't bring my purse to the pool, I didn't have my Emergency Balance Bar. Oh well. We swam. Well, the kids swam, I treaded water and tried to keep moving, since I didn't do my During The Day exercises today...

Home. Mirielle and Margaret had made four of the most beautiful pizzas in the world. At least that's what they looked like to me, the Starving Mama. Bacon, pepperoni, garlic and butter...yum. I had bought one of those fake-y rotisserie lemon-pepper chickens at Walmart to make sure I didn't eat the pizza. ha. I ate pizza. They were small pieces, but..I had four. They WERE really small. Yes, four. uh-hum. Then, an hour or so later, a huge handful of chocolate chips. Does it count that I really enjoyed it all?

So I have my battles. I wish I was as clean and determined as the Success Story people.

The reason I am hopeful however, is because I know I can get back on my feet tomorrow, and that I WILL get back on my feet tomorrow. I am bound and determined to see this thing through, no matter how many little setbacks I have, no matter how much I don't feel like it. I will do my best each day, not worrying about days ahead when I won't have time to exercise, or the "what ifs", as in, "what if I get sick", or "what if I lose all of my self control and start eating chips out of the bag.."

I am tired tonight. Today was busy enough for me. Goodnight.

tomorrow is 11/11/11

2011-11-10T08:47:00.002-05:00

And Mirielle told me last night how when she was little, she figured out that her birthday when she is older will be 2/23/23...and Benjy was not impressed. He said when HE is 23, it will be 11/11/11! So tomorrow is finally the big day for Benjamin, I wonder if it will be as amazing as he thought it would be way back when he was like ten years old....

Today: the house is messy. Again. I swept and mopped yesterday..then someone spilled pretzels this morning, she said she thought she cleaned them all up. And Rosie doesn't like pretzels. One of the younger kids had a turn to sleep with me last night since Paul is away, they love my comfy bed...well, this child wet...blah, lots of bedding to wash. Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to be calm when I discovered this, although inside I found some grumbling. Yes, I find plenty of grumbling inside, grumbling and complaining. But everyone has work to do, whether it is a job out in the big world, or just picking up at home, and I have no right to be resentful about the things I have to do. Yesterday I was telling the kids how much God hates complaining, about how those Israelites wanted their bread and their meat and weren't happy, so they did not get to enter the promised land. How much more God must hate when we complain, we who have everything we need and more! Of course we still have it in us, but there lies the battle!

And of course venting is different. ha.

We had a nice scare last night. The girls had gone to my sister's house, came home, eventually everyone went to bed except for me. When I brought Rosie in from the deck, I locked the door, then went around locking up. So...I go into my bathroom, start getting ready for bed, and Rosie starts barking and barking, that serious bark that means someone is here. (as opposed to the intermittent yipping that means Kitty Kitten is prancing around bugging her)...I knew I had to go see who was here, and my heart was pounding. As I tried to turn my bedroom door handle, there was someone turning it from the other side! I opened it and BLAH, it was Mirielle, terrified, saying someone was knocking at her bedroom window. I told her to call 911...then she mentioned that Mali was still with Emily, which I didn't know. So she called Mali first, and sure enough, it was her. Poor girl, the whole house was awake with the ruckus, and she was getting yelled at by some sisters who were terrified. Oops.

Weight loss: I am a quarter pound less than yesterday, which is at least moving in the right direction. When we booked our vacation, I had almost seven weeks, and thought I could lose 14 pounds. I have lost five. I would like to lose a few more before we go. And when we are there, I do not want to gain it all back!

I am so excited about going! I would like a few more things to wear there, but it is hard to find summer-y, tropical-y clothes super cheap in the Northeast in November.

I did buy another bathing suit on ebay, I hate to admit. I guess I am looking for one that makes me look sensational. It just ain't gonna happen, which my rational mind knows...but. I am thinking of selling one that I got...it is a nice suit, it just doesn't look so nice on me. I will, however, keep the one I got for 75 cents, it is great for the pool.

Mirielle and I are doing this thing where we text each other everything we eat. Helps keep us on track, knowing we will be accountable to each other.

Well...as nice as it is to sit here and write (most relaxing part of the day!), there are places to go and things to do...Big Van needs to go to the shop, ect...

happy birthday my dear dear brother....

2011-11-09T20:18:00.002-05:00

He would have been fifty years old today, my brother Billy. My stupid brother. I guess part of me is still mad at him for what he did. Sometimes I forget he is gone, and he will come into my mind and I will remember with a huge jolt that he is gone, and I will remember that he shot himself, and it will be like the bottom of my stomach just freefalls. I miss him. He needs to fix our kitchen tile. He needs to joke about Evelyn's new haircut and that we are going to the Caribbean for the third year in a row, and about Rosie-The-Bad dog. He needs to help us get our old truck running again, and fix our hot tub. He needs to be here! He was wicked sarcastic, he always figured people out, and would have just the right little insult. Not exactly mean-spirited, he was just funny. He was good, he was kind. He took such good care of our parents. wah.

My son Joseph acts so much like him it is crazy. He has that thing where he just looks at me when I am saying things to him, and without a word makes me feel...inferior. Stupid.

So November 9th will ever and ever make me feel a loss.

Margaret, Suzanne, and I sneaked off to the pool this afternoon after I reminded the other kids I would take them all tomorrow night. I was a half pound more today than I was yesterday, but...yesterday was the lowest I have seen yet. In years anyway. The problem: that number has shown up like three times in the last few weeks, and then I go back up. blah. I figured that I have lost another ten pounds since I lost the baby, which isn't bad, but these long drawn out plateaus keep me wondering! I suppose they keep me humble too, because how can I give any advice when I am constantly guessing what to do myself?

The sunshine today: it tormented me while I did laundry and swept up and did some exercise...then I made omelets for Camille and I, brought them out on the deck...and clouds covered the sun! I sat there in my tanktop (the UPS man had already come and gone, but what if we got something from Fedex?)and my shorts...and it was chilly! Later the sun was out again, and the deck was in the shade of the house. Blah. No suntan for me today.

But it was nice. I picked the kids up from school to spare them the hour long busride, but on the condition that they play outside, NOT on the computer or Wii.

Jonathan is still finishing up his homework...yes, second grade and homework every single night, and on weekends. Excuse me, but I only have this child for four hours every evening, and the hour in the morning. Why the heck do we have to spend some of this on homework when he is in school all day? rrr.

Anyway, the girls are tired and all ready for Mama to read some stories in their room. Today was a good day. The older girls (Mirielle, Mali (YES!), Margaret, Kathryn, and Evelyn)(Emily and Abigail are probably there too) are all at Girl's fellowship at my sister's house, taking turns in the hot tub, too.

Tomorrow is Mali's Driving Mom Crazy day, I mean, her day to drive. Samuel has a dr. appointment, and Evelyn has to get the state required immunization...so our day will be cut a little short, drats. I love spending the day with Mali. She has no idea what a sweetie she is to me. I try to tell her though.

Tomorrow afternoon we are going to the pool, then having a Pizza Party because they have no school on Friday...because of Benjamin's birthday. No, for Veteran's Day, which Ben's birthday falls on. He never had to go to school on his birthday.

Friday is forecast to be windy and chilly with mixed snow and rain. blah. My walks, my walks! I am mourning them in advance! Their days are numbered!

Saturday...I am working at the concession stand for the college basketball game in the Dome. I sure hope I manage all right. The dome is on a hill...so...walking to it - challenging for me! Then being on my poor feetsies for hours, eeks. But I shall survive. I hope.

Paul made it to Ireland okay. I am certain he misses me like crazy. If he even remembers me. I told the kids jokingly that Daddy would be gone for so long we wouldn't even remember him, and they told him I said that. It sounded terrible. I really didn't mean it. I miss him already. I started missing him the very day he left when the toilet backed up. I had a dream before he left that I opened the cupboard under the sink and there was water pouring out...

Well, kids await me!

a little less of me

2011-11-08T21:08:00.004-05:00

This is the skirt I wore all last winter...

Obviously I am still a work in progress...sometimes I feel good about the 45 pounds gone, but mostly I just look forward to losing more. It is a long slow difficult process, but I am not giving up. Even with today's donut halves. There are more in the box, what is wrong with my kids? It isn't as if I can make them eat them...blah, they torture me. So why did I buy them? I truly don't know.

where have i been all day?

2011-11-08T15:49:00.002-05:00

I went far far away, to take Paul to the airport. It is really not very far, the airport is located where I grew up, in a village less than an hour from here. In suburbia. My parents are no longer there, the house is occupied by strangers, and I have yet to drive by there since it sold. I am still sad and lonely for them when I go to the airport, since for years and years it was considered a done deal that a trip there would include stopping at my parents' house and parking there for all the live-long day. Or picking up my mom and taking her shopping. Once I stopped at Carvel and brought them hot fudge sundaes, my father was IN LOVE with that sundae.

So today we brought Paul to the airport...he is off to Ireland. Since I am a nice mommy, I let Sonja, Jonathan, and Charlotte Claire skip school and come with us. Jonathan saw the UPS plane, plus some planes taking off and landing. We went to Kmart, and that is always a bit sad...my mom worked there part-time when I was a girl. It was our favorite place to go way back when, before Walmart and Target. We didn't get much today, just some marked down Halloween bubble gum for the kids, a shirt for me, and some boots for Sonja.

We then went to Aldi...I got some of the yummy German chocolate for Christmas, the little foil-wrapped snowmen and Santas....and some chocolate coins, for their stockings. Also some oranges and some oriental veggies to eat with our chicken tonight.

Then...oh then, we stopped at the bakery. Oh yes we did. Blah, heaven. Absolute heaven. I had a half a peanut donut on the way home with my coffee from the DunkinDonuts drivethrough...the kids had halfmoon cookies, and yes, I sampled one. Then I got home and had a half a rasberry tail light. oh my, sooooo good. I will NOT have anymore, not one bite. It WAS lunch. The bad part is I am fighting a stubborn headache/sinus thing, and I could not exercise when I got home...I did five minutes, and my head was pounding...rats. I might be able to go to the pool, but I would really like to crawl into bed....

I could have slept in a bit this morning, since we had already decided not to send the three youngest kids...but, our 1993 Buick died. It isn't totally dead yet, but we are pulling the plug. It didn't pass New York State inspection, so Joseph had 10 days to get new rear tires. Well, there was also this gas smell...and then yesterday it wouldn't start....it is ridiculous to sink money into a car like this....so I think it is a goner. It joins the Gold Car (2000 Dodge Stratus, runs like a 747 taking off...and it is swervy and clunking...), and The Truck...which is a 2002 and can be saved with some time and money...I think we might just call PickAndPull.

Anyway, I had to drive Mr. Joe to college this morning. I took the opportunity to take a zip through Wegmans after I dropped him off...eggs and milk and bread and cheese and yogurt and bananas and carrots and romaine and frozen veggies and canned veggies and toilet paper and chicken...

And, some new Christmas lights for the front windows! I want to put them up! Christmas stuff is out early, but this year I don't care. I am excited for Christmas, Ben and Ashley are coming home, and I am picturing coziness.

Today was nice and sunny, and I wish we had come straight home from the airport and enjoyed the sun. 66 degrees out! Tomorrow is supposed to be 70. I plan to get in on the sun, as I am stuck home since Joseph is taking the minivan to college. If you pull into our driveway, beware! Give me a minute....

happy birthday Camille Anaya!!!

2011-11-07T09:30:00.002-05:00

Ha, I just realized that today is Camille's real birthday. She is four years old. She is my miracle baby, my special sweetie, my spoiled girl. She is my little helper, my companion, my little bug. She is still squishy and huggy, but she is growing fast. She is growing up and away from me, and I have to refrain from smothering her sometimes, smothering her with hugs and cuddles when she is squirming to go and play. She is slipping through my fingers, is no longer the cute little toddler...she is her own person, and she already wants to go to school. If she has to be the last one, I have gone out with a bang, because she certainly is special. I am not ready to say goodbye to the days of rocking and snuggling and nurturing the babies, but....it has to end sometime, right? Yes, Camille has been special. She found out Sonja didn't feel well this morning, so she put her hands on her hips and said, "If you need a drink of water, you just tell me and I will get you one, okay?" She is very sincere, she tells me sometimes how good she is going to be today. She is also very greedy for birthday presents. When she found out she already got them all, and is not getting any on her real birthday, she actually cried! Everyone in the family loves her so much, when the older kids get home from an evening activity, they are always glad if she is still up so they can give her hugs. So...the days can just go by slowly...so I can enjoy her littleness.

monday again!

2011-11-07T08:39:00.007-05:00

Kitty Kitten makes a good baby...
Will (Susan's little boy)...Kitty Kitten was nice and let Will push him around...
Princess Camille
A nice picture of Katie and Dave...Kate is lovely too, these young girls just carry their babies so beautifully...I got huge everywhere.
Camille in her "Rapunzel hair"...Susan is in the background...does it look like she stole a basketball? There are TWO babies in there! She looks so fantastic and lovely, and has this huge tummy....and I am not jealous anymore, just plain happy for her. I am looking forward to helping with those babies as much as I can!

The time change is nice, it was light out this morning for my walk. I also felt like I slept in, despite the fact that I stayed up way too late last night. The kids went to school except for Sonja, who has a cold and is delighted that her voice is slightly hoarse. She does have a cold, but she is milking it for all it's worth. She is preparing a bath for herself and Miss Camille.

I am staying home today. Big van has new brakes, it took Paul all day to change them on Saturday. He had the wrong ones due to the wrong number being in the computer at the auto parts store, so he had to drive back to the small city and exchange them...the radiator seems to be the next problem, which he is not going to tackle himself. So I am staying home and not driving Big Van until it is fixed.

Tomorrow I have to bring Paul to the airport for his trip to Ireland. Then I will have the minivan to use for several days. I told Jonathan this morning that I would pick him up from school tomorrow and take him to the airport with us, then Charlotte Claire asked too and I said she could come...

Okay...this weight loss thing. blah. I wish I could figure it out. I have gained a few pounds back...this morning I was down a little bit from yesterday, but I am still up two pounds from last week. More muscle is supposed to burn more fat, right? I should be losing weight! I had these grand plans to lose a bit more before vacation, and blah! Yesterday I went for my usual morning walk, then for afternoon exercise, I walked/jogged....this means I jogged for a few hundred feet, then walked, sucking wind terribly, feeling sorry for my poor aching lungs...as soon as I got my breath back, I would run again until it hurt my lungs, then walk...I did this for just a mile, and blah, it did me in. Anyway, as much as the scale infuriates me, I shall not give up.

Life is busy. Homework and projects and making lunches and getting school clothes out and keeping up with who really needs new sneakers and who just WANTS new sneakers, making phone calls and taking care of things I have procrastinated about...and yes, there is still a pile of clothes in my room from when I moved the couch monster when Linda S. and her family came for a visit. I have gone through the pile and gotten things out...so it IS smaller. Paul "cleaned" up recently when I wasn't home, and blah, put a large pile of folded clothes on Camille's dresser...I do not operate that way, I hang up the ByeBye clothes, and put the Around The House clothes in the dresser drawers. Right now the couch has only a few things, a few folded towels, my sweater, a Hess truck, a few Nerf guns, a blanket, and a princess purse. I write on here all the time about matching socks, the reality is that I haven't gotten to that in a while...today I shall really try.

Last night we had a good dinner. Roast beef that had roasted on low temperature for hours and hours....it was so good. We also had squash, which is a lot of work for so many people, but yummy, and some egg noodles for the kids, and applesauce, and cranberry sauce, and a cake for dessert that Paul had made with Sonja and Jon. Sonja frosted it and Jon sprinkled it with like half a container of sprinkles. I only tasted it. I also only tasted the cake Abigail brought over, super yum. She made the best chocolate frosting...I kept eyeing the cake, but decided it wasn't worth hating myself for.

"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (matt 6:33) We all know that verse. So...one of the kids is being difficult. This child needs to be stopped, straightened out. I am not sure what to do, how to deal. I do not want to be harsh, but something needs to be done. Do I seek first his kingdom? Do I ask for wisdom? Do I judge myself first? Am I just irritated, or is irritation tainting my judgement? Do I need more patience? ha, of course. I have been thinking about these things...we can't just go through life acting and reacting and then expect God to clean up the mess. We need to be in touch with him in everything we do.

After my walk this morning, I told the kids, "It is so much nicer to walk in the light than to walk in darkness."

Since I am hesitating here and can't think of anything to write, it is time to get up and deal with this day....oh, the possiblities are endless....laundry and dishes and clutter....

birthday party pictures

2011-11-06T16:54:00.009-05:00

Aaron and Mirielle, and Katie, my sister's oldest daughter..(she is expecting a baby boy, the one I am hoping to watch...)
This cake did not turn out how I wanted it to, but the girls liked it.

Evelyn Joy and Claire, one of my sister's seven daughters...Claire cut Ev's hair...I consented because I finally figured out that hair grows back...and if they want to have to fun of a haircut while they are growing up, why not?

Camille turns four tomorrow! We had her party yesterday. This is Sonja and Grace (my sister's granddaughter, the big sister of the new baby I am hoping to babysit after he is born)..and Camille...

More pictures tomorrow...it is taking forever to put these up and there is so much going on around here....

cold and sunny

2011-11-05T10:18:00.002-04:00

My sweater and sweatshirt were no match for the cold this morning on my walk. The newly shorn cornfields were covered with white frost, and the grass on the side of the road crunched under Rosie's feet. The fields of corn that haven't been cut yet crackled in the breeze. Brr. The only consolations were that...

It is Saturday, I didn't have to hurry back so to get the kids on the bus (and avoid being seen in my lovely dorky vest by the kids who ride with my kids)..

And...the sun was shining.

And, I could see what was in the road I was walking on...a dead snake, a pile of deer scat..blah, made me never want to walk in the dark again.

And, I know that since tonight is the time change, I shall have some extra light in the morning for a while...

Back to the house, cooked a few pounds of bacon, poured some coffee and sat down while Paul made me an excellent omelet. Kathryn had already made eggs for the younger ones, nice girl that she is.

The day is stretched before me. I want to get some sun (it will be cold, but no clouds!)...I baked a few strawberry cakes (think pink), a few chocolate cakes...and they are ready to be frosted and decorated for the party. Kathryn is in charge of organizing the cleaning up of the Princesses' room, and Suzanne and Sonja are supposed to be cleaning up their room. This means it isn't exactly peaceful in here, there are kids squealing with delight upon finding long-lost doll accessories, one child just "pantsed" another, which I had thought was out of style, there are accusations of who left what where and who should pick this or that up...there is music playing, courtesy of Kathryn...kids are filling up the hampers like they always do when they clean their rooms...

But it is always fun to have a party. Camille's main present is: three dresses from Halloween, princess-y dresses. I am also giving one to Char, and one to their cousin Danielle. They can dress up and play.

There is a good spirit, despite the rambunctiousness of the kids this morning. They are excited about the party. Camille keeps asking when she gets her presents. I remind her that it is not nice to be greedy, but she needs to share and be nice.

Rats, my coffee is gone...I want more. Oh, today is the time change, so we get an extra hour!!! I need an extra hour every day. Hmm, how shall I spend it? Maybe I'll sit here extra long today.

On an un-upbeat note, I am getting so sick and tired of the stupid scale...it went back up a little...what the heck??!! Why? I am so good...I only eat bad things when I can afford it. I eat less than 1500 calories a day, some days 1200, some days even less....I exercise once, twice, or even three times a day when I go to the pool. blah. My body adjusts to the low calories way too fast...I should be just losing a few pounds a week, mathematically.

Paul bought a food-dehydrator yesterday. He then bought a large chunk of beef...marinated it, cooked it up, and dehydrated it. Jerky! The beef, not him. It was quite good, as were the apples he made.

We had chicken fajitas for dinner last night. I skipped the fajita part and just had chicken and greens, and some diced tomatoes. Yum and yum.

Then Mirielle evilly made some popcorn, the stovetop kind with lots of real butter and salt. blah, I did have a few handfuls. I had just finished counting my calories for the day and was only around 900, so I figured I could have a few almonds and a few chocolate chips, and just a tiny bit of popcorn. I could eat the whole bowl, easily, but I slapped my hand and left the room. Paul and I watched, "Captain America" in our room on his computer while the older kids watched it out here with their popcorn and snacks...I was glad we had our date planned, cuddling is nice, so is getting away from the popcorn.

I am wondering now if four pizzas will be enough...perhaps if we have a huge salad...Mirielle is going to make a chicken alfredo pizza...

Well, I have used part of my hour...maybe I will use the rest of it having a nap. ha.

afternoon break

2011-11-04T15:52:00.002-04:00

Why has this been a good day so far?

1. Paul is home, Paul is in a good mood.

2. Our trip out and about was fun. Walmart...BJ's,...the dollar store...(Camille got a new Ariel doll because there was a coupon in BJ's that if you bought two big boxes of cereal for $7.49 each, the doll was free...)

3. I fit in some exercise already.

4. Dinner is marinating..chicken, of course. It just plain feels good to know what's for dinner.

5. It is beautiful out. Nice sunny mild day, really lifts the spirits.

6. Camille is SO excited that we are having her birthday party tomorrow! She can't stop chattering about it.

7. I still have to bake the cake, but I love decorating cakes so this is a good thing.

8. I bought four bars of Lindt 70%cocoa dark chocolate...one square has 62 calories, and I already ate one. Can I ration these out for forty days, or should I just share?

Ah well, time to get that cake in the oven...

aaah, friday!!!

2011-11-04T08:54:00.002-04:00

All the kids went to school. The three youngest went out the door with a skip in their step because:

1. I made their lunches, complete with CapriSuns, and homemade Rice Krispie treats.

2. I gave them ice cream money.

3. And, Emily is picking them up to spare them from the long and awful bus ride!

Plus, Charlotte Claire is bringing a whole bunch of Krispie treats for her class for snack. Granted, her snack day WAS yesterday, of course, but..she had been absent, and didn't get the November snack list until Wednesday...and I didn't see it Wednesday night...so her teacher told her yesterday that I could still send something in today. That's me, a day late and a dollar short, forever and ever.

But the kids are happy today.

I need to go wrap up the rest of the treats and put them out of my sight.

Today the scale was up over a pound from yesterday, which does happen, but blah, I was good yesterday. Except for cleaning off the spoon a bit...and scraping the pan a bit...oh heck, how many calories do Rice Krispie treats have?

Mirielle, Margaret, and I did make it to the pool for a little swim again, which was nice.

Also took Mali driving yesterday. Found out she checks the blog to see what I have said about her driving, oops. So I told her that I might not have mentioned it on here, but I love those days of spending time with her. I look forward to Thursdays. And I do hate riding with a child learning to drive, but it is nothing personal, Mali! She is actually doing quite well. I put my invisible brakes on like fifty times yesterday, but that is because I am old, and I am nervous, and I am afraid of rear-ending other vehicles, not because she waits until the last minute to slow down. hmm.

We went to Target, where I got some Christmas presents. And, at least five Halloween costumes marked down 70%off...I might get them out for Camille's birthday...we are having her party tomorrow. I shall clean the house up nicely today so we can get lots of pictures without messy backgrounds. I hate when the kids take pictures and they come out so nice, but in the background is a pile of clothes, or stuff on the floor...anyway, I also have to make a cake, a big pink one.

Emily came over last night and tucked kids in for me while I made those last minute treats and packed the lunches. Paul was at a board meeting. I was gone on Monday night (Halloween...oh, and the reason it was only $34 for all of us - the kids 12 and under were free. The waitress gave Kathryn AND Margaret kids' menus, but Margaret ordered from the regular menu. I only had to pay for myself, Abigail, and Margaret..plus the order of Endless Chips)...anyway, I was gone on Monday, Paul was gone on Tuesday, Wednesday, and last night...busy busy busy.

There are no clean towels, socks need washing and matching, and the sink is filling with dishes again. The floors which were swept yesterday need sweeping again, and the bathroom really needs a good cleaning...all three of them do. I think today is a good time for another chore list. Windows need cleaning too. And the stair need vacuuming. And...and...and...oh, it never ends. Wait, one day it will.

Paul is home today since he doesn't get Veteran's Day off, he will be in Ireland. He is shuffling around, actually getting things accomplished instead of just sitting here typing about all that needs to be done. He isn't sweeping or doing dishes though, he is trying to figure out what is wrong with the big van.

I feel the need to get off this computer and into action before he comes back in the house, lest he think I sit here all day while he is hard at work...ha. He is going to the small city in a little while to get some new brakes for the big van, and invited me to go along...I said I need to go to the dollar store...he said he doesn't want to dawdle and be gone all day...I don't know why he had to tell me that..ha. I know he hates to dawdle, if he needs something in Walmart, he goes in and gets it and gets in line...without even checking all the clearance racks! How fun is that? Anyway, I get to go with him, which will be interesting. I will hurry fast, but it will not be fast enough, he will just have to be patient.

So...off I go...

2081st post...

2011-11-03T08:45:00.008-04:00

me this morning...
It is never boring around here. Suzanne found Jonathan's old suit, size 2t, and stuffed Miss Camille into it. Camille thought she looked like she, "worked in an office", and wore it all evening.

Evelyn Joy with her candy.

Yesterday was nice...I ventured out to the deck for some sun, after romping around with Rosie a little in the yard. Camille joined me, and we chatted while I soaked in those delicious rays of sunshine. It was so clear and sunny, I decided to just take off my shirt, and get more sun. My kids are used to this, my bras are more modest than most bikini tops anyway. Well. The dog started barking, and lo and behold, there was the FexEx guy in the driveway. I struggled to get my shirt on quick as he was already out of his truck and heading up the driveway...and I couldn't figure out where the head hole was because it was this sleeveless work out top...blah, he yelled something that I thought was, "I'll come back later", and got in his truck and sped away. I think he was totally traumatized. I felt like an idiot. I don't think he saw much, but it was obvious I was trying to get my shirt on. Later I found out he left the package on the back of the car in the driveway. He must have yelled, "I'll just leave it here!" Next time he comes I'll be sure to mention what a jerk my sister is for sunbathing on the deck in her bra....or I'll send one of the kids out...

Lately I have been feeling really unqualified for this job. It is not a job for unorganized people like me. I cannot maintain things. I can straighten out a bookcase, but I am the number one perpetrator of putting a book back horizontally on top of the other books when I am in a hurry. I procrastinate horribly, let things stack up, and forget things. I always feel like I am barely managing. But it hasn't killed me yet, so I shall press on.

Yesterday afternoon I decided to take the trip to the store. The big van has been misbehaving, the brakes need replacing and make a loud roar when it is coming to a stop, and now a new light keeps blinking on the dash that says, "check gauges"...one of the gauges goes way up, then drops down..Paul asked me which one it was, and I said, "the bottom one on...(looked at my hands to determine right or left)..on the LEFT side. He asked which gauge it was. "I just told you!", I said. He said he would go out and look himself. I don't know, it has a little thing on it that looks like a sailboat, I think it is water-level...anyway, he put more water in the radiator and it was still full this morning, so he took the big van and left me the minivan so I can take Mali driving today, and get the oil changed.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon...Evelyn went with me. Our first stop was the Rescue Mission Thrifty Shopper store. I was looking for a pair of jeans, and I got one, for $2.80. Evelyn found an American Eagle sweater with the tags still on it for $6.99, and a nice Old Navy shirt. We had some fun in there, and then headed over to the craft store for some things for her science project. We also bought some beads and clasps and ribbon...and a new sketch book for Margaret.

Then the grocery store. Bananas and romaine and carrots and bread and almonds and burger and chicken, eggs, milk, yogurt, sliced turkey, kitten chow, 5 calorie jello, oats, brown sugar, and some new Christmas lights for the living room windows.

We also stopped at McD's...I got a larger coffee, she got a sweet tea, and we had fruit yogurt parfaits. It held me over in the store, helped me not crave the junk.

Dinner was done when we got home, thanks to Samuel. He tweaked last night's leftover chicken and gravy, added veggies and more soup, and heated it in the oven...

I didn't get to the pool last night. Can't do everything. So tired today...not as tired as Paul though. He works at G.E., information systems. Some system stopped running the night before last, he got a text alert...had to get up and fix it during the night...then last night it happened again, right after we had fallen asleep around midnight. He had to get up and fix it...when my alarm went off at 6:30 this morning, I couldn't believe the night was over so quickly, but I really felt bad for Paul. He has been so busy, a music gathering at church last night, working at the basketball game the night before...this weekend he is going to work on the big van.

yes, we need that Jamaican vacation.

Am I excited? Uh-huh. I am looking forward to the way Paul relaxes and the cares of life leave him alone, exposing the guy I married. We are so different from each other, but we still delight in our time spent together, it seems we get closer as the years go by.

It isn't without trials, our relationship. When I got in with the groceries and was telling Paul about the warning light in the van, he was asking me about it, and I kept getting distracted...giving Mirielle the new John Frieda conditioner I had a $2 coupon for, and showing them Evelyn's new sweater...Paul was trying to ask me about the van, I was trying to figure out who ate already and if the groceries had all been brought in...one of the kids wondered why I hadn't gotten the things they requested from the store, and one complained I got two conditioners instead of a matching shampoo and conditioner...anyway, Paul wasn't too thrilled with me, and I didn't even know I was being the way he was perceiving me, so I said that he was stressing me out...he then saw the way he was being, and gave me a big nice hug...it was really so nice. We aren't against each other, but life is real, life is stressful, and we have to be careful to keep our relationship good in the midst of all this.

Camille is having a baby. She has a dolly under her dress. She is going to the hostibel with her stroller.

Hmm, ran out of things to say...so perhaps I should get moving...

a nice sunny day

2011-11-02T09:03:00.002-04:00

They all trooped out the door this morning, 4 college kids, 8 school kids...leaving Camille and I here with Rosie-The-Bad Dog and Kitty Kitten, and Big Kitty. Camille made a bed for the kitten, a nice warm fleecy blanket folded up in a shallow cardboard box. Kitten actually sleeps in it! Sometimes they carry the box around with Kitty in it, he just sits there. He can be a devil sometimes, attacking and fighting and playing, but he purrs like a little sweetie most of the time. He is playful, but not mean at all.

Yesterday I worked really hard to burn off my dinner from Chili's. I took my morning walk, then did my exercises, which are hilariously lame, involving lifting my ten pound weights, doing cheaty push-ups, and jogging in place. I went on the treadmill a few hours later, but was interrupted when the stream of first trip kids came by, each telling me about the accident that happened down the road...a neighbor who had been riding his four-wheeler was lying in the road...didn't look good, bloody head, ect..not moving...the vehicle was on one side of the ditch, he on the other...the ambulance hadn't even gotten there yet, and my kids were really upset. They kept praying for him, and hoping he was alright. We aren't sure who he is, but there has been nothing in the news about a death, so there is hope. Anyway, I had to stop treading and comfort the kids, they were seriously upset by this. Later, I went to the pool with Mirielle, and it was wonderful.

Then I added up my calories for the day, and dang it was too low! Less than 800...so I figured since I didn't want my body to think, "starvation mode", I better eat something..then I realized that a calorie is a calorie, so I may as well have some candy...so I did. Yes, I did. Three Milkduds, 39 calories...then four snack sized bars, 80 calories each. I felt sick afterwards, but I enjoyed them oh-so-much. And the scale was back down a few pounds this morning. To the same number I rejoiced about last week. Blah, I want to see NEW low numbers...it really is a work, this losing weight business.

For dinner last night, we had chicken and gravy and rice and broccoli. I took a big chunk of frozen chicken breasts out of the freezer, put it in the oven...then separated it when it baked a bit...then split it into two baking dishes and added four cans of cream of chicken soup with some water...and baked it until it was falling apart a bit...easy chicken and gravy.

So...I think I better go to the store today...we are out of kitten food, he has been eating Big Kitty's food. We are almost out of milk, have no more low calorie yogurt, are on the last loaf of bread, and the eggs are almost gone. The freezer is almost depleted of veggies. I cut coupons yesterday, so I am all set to go. Sort of. I want to get in on some of today's sunshine, and want to be here when the kids get home from school. I also want to go to the pool tonight, and have to prepare something for tonight's dinner. I have some laundry to do, too, and of course I have to pick up some things around here before I leave...blah, where is my maid?

Camille went through Sibling Withdrawl this morning when the kids all left...she kept asking who she was going to play with. She finally went in her room and is playing Barbies all by herself. Poor child.

Does anyone else's husband have moods? Paul...hmm...he is always good to me, always respectful and kind, but sometimes he really likes me and talks to me, and other times he seems so preoccupied and distant...like he is working on things...he is by nature not so chatty, but sometimes he gets really talkative...and here I am, day after day...learning not to take it personally when he is in Quiet Mode. I can get so upset wondering what I have done, but it is just the way he is...

He is going to Ireland next week, wah. Wah because I would LOVE to go to Ireland, and wah because he is leaving us for so many days. I also suspect he won't appreciate it as much as I would. But he has to go for work, so he gets to go, and I get to stay home and not be jealous. I am much more of a stop-and-smell-the-roses type, and he is more of a let's-just-get-home kind of guy. I learned years ago that if I wanted to meander up and down the aisles of the store looking at clearance racks and searching for bargains, I had better go without him. But opposites attract, and we certainly love each other still.

Oh well, sitting here thinking of what to write is not fun, it is only fun when the thoughts come tumbling out on their own...it is time to sign off now...