it has been five years now...

since the horrible awful unbelievable mind-numbing night that my brother took his life.

It is supposed to get easier, and perhaps in some ways it has.

Some days go by and I don't even think about it.

But there is still that punch-in-the-gut remembering thing that happens when I think about Billy in the context of how he would think something or other was funny. Hits me anew, I groan and wonder for the millionth time what in the world possessed him to do something so....so permanent. So final.

I don't spend all of my days wondering, nor do I dwell on sad thoughts. It occurred to me that the longer we live here on this earth, the more sad anniversaries of things we rack up...7 years since my dad died, 8 since my mom died, ect. ect. Life is too short to be pulled under by sad memories.

I don't always get sad when I think of Billy. Sometimes my son Joseph will give me that look, that look that makes me feel foolish. Billy was an expert at that. He was wise and perceptive, scoffing, yet tender when you least expected it. He loved the babies and little ones, and took such good care of our parents in their last days. He was supremely intelligent, and long before the internet days of looking up info in just seconds, he was a go-to, as he read voraciously and retained everything he ever read. He loved to bless and give. He really did. Caramel cream candies...oh they remind us all of Billy.

But life goes on, and there are things to deal with here at home. Camille has been sick. I got home from working at the Dome the other night and found out she had been lying on the couch with a headache. Paul gave her Tylenol before he tucked her in. I didn't even wake her up yesterday for school, because asix year old who lies on the couch with a headache is coming down with something. I was right. She is sick.
Miss Camille is a snuggler on a good day, she gets sick and oh my she loves her mama.

Her fever spiked last evening....I am thankful for ibuprofen.

She is a bit better today, temperature down to 101, and watching silly shows on televison. I talked Charlotte Claire into going to school alone, which she so bravely did. Cam is sick, but still happy to be here:)

And, I had to add this happy picture, because there are still so many blessings in life.... Our children are our biggest blessings, but these two pups sure add to the love around here. They are just so sweet and good and friendly. Paul doesn't like his picture taken much, but I took it anyway.

I took a quick little trip to Walmart with Mirielle yesterday afternoon after the school kids got home. We needed a few things like grapefruit and bananas and yogurt and coffee, and some popsicles and fudge bars and creamsicles for the sick child. I also cruised the clearance section and got Jonathan some $3 pants, a really sweet $3 shirt for Charlotte Claire and some jeans, and some things for Mali for her birthday, which is in two days.

It is sunny today, and according to the weatherman, it will be warming up quite nicely: into the 20's. That IS a warm-up, comparatively, but oh my goodness it has been a long cold winter. Tomorrow it is forecast to climb out of freezing to 39 (3.8 c) degrees! 39 degrees and sunny!!!

Camille has asked for lemonade, so I will go make some from lemon juice and sugar and water....as bad as I feel for Camille, I don't mind taking care of her one little bit...I would rather be sick myself than see any of my kids suffer. But it's nice to be needed.

coldness!

One degree. (-17c) That's what it was when I sent my two little princesses out the door to the bus this morning. brr. The sun is trying to peek out now, but more snow is coming, just some light flurries, an inch or two or three.

And, I have to go to the Dome. The Dome...the college basketball venue in the city. Syracuse has lost their last three games, bringing them down from #1 in the nation to #7. Our church works at one of the concession stands there for all the home games, and this is the last one. phew. It isn't hard work, but it means leaving house and home and trekking out into the cold, up the steps and hill of the Dome, and standing on my feet for several hours, meaning my knees will ache extra tomorrow. But. It does also mean being with my friends, and as I usually run a register, getting to "meet" lots of people. I enjoy people. I think every movie star has a look-alike, and several of them go to the Dome. I like working with the church youth, too. They are much more fun than the older people:)

This morning I had to drive to town to pick up Mirielle from dropping her car off to have the oil changed. Yeah, it's cold out there. The new snow is still clean and sparkly, so it certainly is pretty. The fields and trees are covered, it looks like a Christmas card. The Great Lakes are more than 90% frozen over, which is monumental. It has been a cold harsh winter. I know I talk about it all the time, but...it is my little reality. Yesterday we had a second delivery of oil, it is the first winter since we have been in this house that we have had to have a second delivery, and we have been here 21 years. We have not burned any wood this year at all, since Paul was gone so much in the fall. Our old wood supplier stopped selling, and we haven't found another. Anyway. Spring cannot come fast enough for me.

And we get by. Jonathan and I picked the little girls up from school yesterday and went into town to pay the house insurance, then to the Dollar General to get a new fan for Kathryn (our family has a slight white noise addiction, the lady in the store thought I was cray cray for requesting a fan when it was like four degrees out). And Jon "needed" triple A batteries. That boy always needs batteries. Buy him a package of batteries, and he is in hog heaven, making all of his stuff come back to life. Yesterday, it was the walkie-talkies. He put one near Suri and had a blast talking to her, I should have videoed her, she was so puzzled. Anyway. I let them pick out some candy too, then we stopped into the grocery store for a few things, then home. I try to keep them busy when it's too cold to go outside.

The little girls are fun. The other night we played with Aqua sand, which doesn't get wet in water. We played Jenga, meaning we built houses out of the blocks. We made bracelets. Since we got an additional couch, we moved out one of the big tables from our living room, and moved the last desktop computer out, to Evelyn's room. There is much extra room for the girls to play over there, so they are going to set up "house" there when they get home from school. I told them they could move the couch across for a wall if they want to. I want to stay home from the Dome and play with them:)

Oh, my life! So interesting, huh?

Lately I have felt rather sad. Sam, winter, missing my mother, having my only grandchild so far away, my sister works and I never talk to her anymore, my sis-in-law is always driving her kids everywhere and can never go anywhere anymore...Paul is pretty busy too, and was sick last week...so I have felt rather lonely. Lonely in the midst of the noise and confusion. Whenever I start on the pity-party-path, lots of thoughts come along that fuel the Poor Me fire. I realized last night that those thoughts have to STOP. AS a man thinks, so he is. It is a waste of time, and no good comes of it. It is the wrong spirit to be in. To get back on the right path, the first step is to be thankful. When one is thankful for each and every thing, there is no room for anything else to thrive. Also, those thoughts come - I can't help that they come. But I CAN help how I react to them. God gives grace to overcome sin, I don't have to agree with every thought that comes into my head. It isn't what goes into a man which defiles him, but what comes out. Tried faith is worth more than gold.

Mirielle and I reasoned this out this morning: God created Samuel just the way He wanted him. God knew Sam had his one-track mind to be in the Army. Sam trusts God, prays, lives a good life...God will not forsake Sam. Sam is where he is supposed to be. Perhaps God will use him as a light there, in the Army. I know that those who trust in Him will not be put to shame. I know that. And Sam trusts in Him. So I still miss Sammers, as Mirielle always calls him, but I will work more to have peace about his decisions.

So...there are hopefully some trips coming up in my future. Besides being thankful for each and every thing that God lovingly sends my way, nothing cheers me up like going on a trip. I love the planning and the going, seeing new things....Emily and I might just take a little trip out to Washington state to see Ben and Ashley and my sweet little grand-baby, Anya. Then there is the trip to Georgia when Sam graduates from boot camp. Beyond that, I don't know. I did find some real deals on trips to the Dominican...for under $800, five days, all-inclusive, including airfare from central New York. Oh the sand and sun. Anyway.:)

A girl can dream.

And, a girl can get off of her lazy one and get busy around the house.....

come talk me in....!

Shh, don't tell Camille that it's, "tuck", not, "talk". She likes to be talked in. I don't like to correct their little mis-speaks,oh the cuteness and the littleness. The days go by, and up they grow. No more foot-y pajamas, or sippy cups. No more stepstool in the bathroom, they can reach now. Even Camille can read by herself, although she still likes to be read to. My babies are not babies anymore.

Okay, sometimes you can go to the thrift store and come out with maybe a couple of books and dusty fingers, but other days...oh joy! Yesterday was one of those bonus days. Miss Camille found a beautiful jewelry box with little glass doors and spinn-y things for all the necklaces she hopes to collect. She found a little polka dotted clip board for playing school and restaurant. She got some Barbie books, and a Juney B. Jones book. (Miss Char was out and about with Mirielle, and was pretty thrilled at the new treasures too, obviously they will share)

Anyway, I found: a new couch! A leather couch! I am not a big fan of the idea of buying used furniture, because of possible critters and just the not knowing....but. I saw this couch, and it looked so clean! Not a tear in it, not too saggy, just fine. Now, we didn't have room in our vehicle for a couch, and this place is way over in another county, but I decided to just go out on a limb and buy the couch. I had just been to the grocery store and had a huge long receipt with several coupons for $7 off any $25 or more purchase, so I redeemed one on my first order, which included a Little Tikes table and two chairs, our old chairs got cracked and broken and the girls used bins to sit on when they played school and office....anyway. I bought the couch for $41 including tax, using another coupon.

I had to go home and get the truck and and go all the way back and pick it up...it was dinner time when I got it home. Paul and Mirielle and Evelyn had made taco salad, and were just thrilled to have to go out into the cold evening to help carry in a couch. It is sitting in limbo now, waiting for me to decide how to fit it in. I would like to mount it on the wall over the other couch, to make a double decker, not really. The room isn't actually big enough, but we will fit it in, we need the places to sit.

Anyway. It is a pretty morning, snow is falling and it is quiet. The girls are really busy playing with their new treasures, and I have had one cup of coffee. Paul put a piece of beef in the crockpot, and is heading to town for some potatoes to go in with it.

We got a few letters from Sam,and each and every one of us who read them started to cry. I can't help feeling like we've thrown him to the wolves, and if you personally know Sam, you would understand. It does help me to know that he wouldn't have had it any other way. If I had talked to the recruiters and told them that Sam was "special", Sam would have never forgiven me. He is doing what he always wanted to do, and he will be fine. That is what I am telling myself. But I am also finding myself in tears when I least expect it.

Since we are heading to church this fine Sunday, I have much to do, so off I go, out of the comfy chair....

in the quiet of the morning....

I am being lazy. It is only a few degrees outside, so I sitting here in my comfy chair with a big comfy blanket over me, and the little space heater humming on the floor. The dogs are snoring, and the two kitties are curled up together in the hallway. Jon is still sleeping, and Kathryn is doing work in her room. Joseph just refilled my coffee and went back to his drawing, and Mirielle is nocturnal, so she is sleeping.

I was not lazy all morning though. I got the kids ready for school, shoveled the driveway (that lake effect snow is heavy!), swept the kitchen and living room, put some towels in the wash, cleaned off the counters and cleared up breakfast mess....so I don't feel too guilty about sitting here.

It has been a while since I have had any peace and quiet, and with this being Friday, the weekends are rather loud and busy, so I had better get this little rest in while I can. Jon will be wandering out here before too long, he will chat while he eats breakfast, then we will do some school work...

So this is special, this little bit of quiet.

Lots of people are getting sick and tired of this long cold and snowy winter. I don't mind it as much, mostly I look out the window and it's pretty. But shoveling gets old. The bitter cold wind I could do without. And I am getting cabin fever a little bit. I can go out and about, but where to? Shopping? I do love me some Target, but I don't like going there because I find too many good things. And the blah mall, blah. I want to walk down the road without navigating around ice and snow. I want to sit on the deck and feel the sun on my skin, not just my face because the rest of me is all bundled up.

And the pool....I have sadly neglected the pool lately. I just can't seem to bring myself to go when it's five degrees out!

Yesterday I did my part to warm up the house. The two little girls didn't go to school because Camille had to see the orthopedic surgeon about her arm, which has healed up nicely despite her continuance to use it when it was supposed to be immobilized. (it is still healing, and is very near a growth plate, so she is supposed to be careful and not fall on it. I'm sure she won't fall, because she's not supposed to.) Anyway. The little girls were here, and the other kids got out of school early because of the snow, so I baked chocolate chip cookies. Camille had to bring class snack today, so I made a few dozen extra big cookies and packed them up for her to bring, instead of the usual granola bars.

The cookies are not being eaten as fast as usual, which I attribute to Sam's absence. He would get a glass of milk, and eat cookies like it was an Olympic sport. Oh I miss him.

Being a parent is challenging sometimes. I have to stop and think sometimes about what I am trying to accomplish. What the big picture is. Having my five-girls-in-a-row born within five years....even if they were my only five kids, I think I would be hard pressed for patience. Margaret is 17, Kathryn is almost 16, Evelyn is 14 1/2, Suzanne is almost 13, and Sonja will be 12 in May. One of them is extremely picky, won't touch a washcloth, uses only papertowels or the scrub brush, hates when others smack or lick their fingers or slurp hot drinks. Of course her sisters know this, and sometimes slurp or smack on purpose. Another of the girls is just plain competent. She can clean, she can cook, and...she can "w"itch! She knows just what everyone else should be doing, and she isn't afraid to point it out. "What!!," she says, "the truth hurts!" Another of of these girls is a sweetie, but really messy. Last night I saw her eating a banana. She poured honey on the banana, and ate it as it dripped all over the floor. Um, excuse me, really?! No wonder I have been finding so many sticky spots on the floor. Anyway. These girls seem to be at odds with each other quite frequently, and they aren't quiet about it. I try to keep the peace, I try to keep them in line...I see both sides, yes, that sister is being a butt-head, but look at how you are acting! I try to encourage them when it's peaceful to be more patient, to overlook things, to say they are sorry....

The thing is, they really do love each other. When they are friends, they are really good friends. But when the claws come out, ouch.

Anyway. Yesterday after Camille's doctor visit, we went to the thrift store and bought an electric piano keyboard for $4.99. It works well if the cord is just so.

We then stopped in at the dollar store and got some fake flowers for them to play wedding, and some beads to make bracelets with.

They don't get bored, my little girls. They dress up in heels and pretty dresses and go from playing office to wedding to store to Barbies to getting out all the art supplies and making invitations to some pretend event they are having. They can mess up the whole house in a day.

My friend Martha lost her mother yesterday. Martha is amazing, she took her mom into her home after her father passed away, and took such good care of her. I am thinking of her today, and sending her hugs, and keeping her in my prayers. She has been such a good example of being a true servant, she blessed her mom so very much. I can only hope my own children will take such good care of me someday....

and I finally got my phone call....

I know I already put this picture up a few days back, but I like it. Sam called last evening, and I won't embarrass him by saying that he was rather....never mind. Let's just say that if he could have come home, he may have. But he says he is okay, and has lots of good guys with him, battle buddies, he called them. He says the place is awful, he is still in "reception", real boot camp hasn't started yet. He was given permission to make that one call, and will be able to call again in a month or so. Oh, my heart. I want to tell those drill sergeants...

Dear Drill Sergeants,

Be nice to Sam. He is a very special kid. He has never really been away from home. He is kind and thoughtful, and he will take out the garbage without being asked. He can carry in half the groceries in one trip, usually in his bare feet, whatever the weather. He will go for walks with his boring old mom, and actually enjoy them. He doesn't like to be touched, and sometimes it takes him a minute to figure out new things, and he asks, "What?" alot. He will remember everything he has ever heard, and will be like an encyclopedia of Army regulations to his buddies. He will NEVER purposely do anything wrong, he will never lie, he will never steal. He just won't. He will get upset if he is wrongfully accused. Nothing is ever his fault, but if he thinks about it and realizes that perhaps it is, he will always apologize, in the most sincere way. He likes things to be good between himself and whoever he has to do with. To put it bluntly, he is just too good for this world. Please keep that in mind.

He is not just some guy who joined the Army. He has been enthralled with the whole idea of the military since he was a little boy. His collection of history books could fill a small library, and yes, he has read them all. He probably knows more about World War II than all of you sergeants put together, no offense. He loves his country with all his heart. 'Merica. His true love. He believes fervently in the right to bear arms, and is very excited to be able to do so, thus his choice of being in the infantry. If partiotism were a disease, he would have an incurable case of it.

So please realize what a treasure you have in this guy. Treat him well, and you will have the best soldier the Army has ever seen.

Sincerely,

Sam's mama

I was upset after talking to him. I told him how much I miss him, and he didn't want me to. No guy wants to cry in front of his friends, but hey, he might have done them all a favor, if they were calling home too, could have let them know it's okay. But of course they would have just teased him. I sure hope they are being nice to him. It's like sending your kid to kindergarten, only a million times more intense. I know, he's a big boy, he'll be fine. But. That doesn't stop my Mama Bear feelings.

I am trying to get my house straightened around. Yesterday I sorted through shoes (Sam can't need four pairs of sneakers near the door...when he comes home on leave, he can just buy a new pair. Right?) I weeded through the coats and jackets on the hooks, and couldn't get rid of all of his sweatshirts. The girls can wear them camping or something.

I bought Jonathan one of those cube-basket things to put his television on. He and Sam pooled their money a while back to buy a 32 inch set to play video games on, with the understanding that Jon would get it when Sam left. There is no antenna, so it won't get tv stations on it, but it is fine for playing games on.

Spring isn't here, but I am in the spring cleaning mood. I want to sort and organize and make the place nice, and we all know THAT doesn't happen every day.

My heart and thoughts are with a family in our church out on the west coast who lost their mom, a mom of sixteen children also, to cancer. She is in a better place and her suffering is done, but her family has to go on without her...pray for her husband and her kids and grandchildren. They were blessed to have had her in their lives.

It also weighs on me that our good friend Dave's cancer has returned. I know that God sends all things for our very best, and it is comforting that Dave and his wife also know this, but he does have eight kids. I am praying that he can be cured. His first cancer was 7 years ago, and it was a rough road, but he says he learned more things through his sufferings than he ever could have learned. I am praying that he will learn more good things, but will be with us for a long time yet.

Ah well, there is a driveway to shovel, and laundry to switch over and floors to sweep, along with Jon to teach and dinner to plan.

brrrrr.....winter's back!

I took a walk on Saturday. On Saturday, we were having a little taste of spring. It was in the 40's, and sunny. Windy, and not exactly warm, but nice....and whispering promises of good things to come. Today...winter is back. Snow and wind and more snow, 28 degrees out. Forecast for tonight: snow. Forecast for the week: freezing cold temperatures. And some snow.

Suzanne Eleanor, aka Karl, had a birthday yesterday. She is 13 years old, for a total of six teenagers at a time in the family. Not for long though, Mali turns 20 in a few weeks.

Suze said no pictures, so I handed Char my phone and she somehow got a double selfie of her and Karl. (Suze also said she didn't want to blow out her candles, so Camille more than happily did it for her.)

The princesses in their kitty hats, waiting for the bus this morning. So much cuteness.

And just to add to the randomness of this post, here is the new desk-y thing Paul bought for me on Saturday. I should have taken a picture of the old desk we had here before. It was hideous, and it makes me sad just to say that because it was my mother's desk, and she treasured it. It was not even real wood, but that laminated stuff, and the drawer pulls were 70's style...someone had scratched some designs in the side, and some of the drawers were broken. It looked just awful. So. Paul took me to a place that sells unfinished furniture, and we picked this out. I sanded it and finished it, repeated it a few times, until it was nice and even and smooth. It looks so much better in here, matches the tables, and brightens the room. I said, "Money DOES buy happiness." :)

It got me going on organizing a bit too, which is always good, and I run with it when I feel that compulsion, because believe me, I don't get it too often. I sorted through the shoes, getting rid of some that Sam left here. Not all of them, but hey, a kid who just left for the Army doesn't need five pairs of old sneakers near the door. I kept all of his sweatshirts though. I threw some things away that had broken zippers or were stained, passed a few other things along to other people, and filled a bag for the goodwill. Oooh, it feels nice! It makes me want to move on to the closets and and and.

Also, we painted Sonja and Jon's room this past weekend. I helped them spackle and sand, and bought a new vacuum cleaner to clean up the dust, helped them wipe down the walls and open up the paint, but they mostly painted themselves. And ha, yes, they also painted themselves. Jon had paint all over his forehead and on his back. They got a lot on the baseboards, and some drippings on the carpet even though we used newspaper. But it is finished, and it looks brighter and clean and nice.

My new vacuum: Oh, I am such a housewife! I loved getting it! It is a Shark, a small canister-style, with lots of attachments. It only weighs 6 pounds, and has a shoulder strap for doing stairs, and wandering around sucking up cobwebs from ceilings and corners. I vacuumed the furniture, and it worked really well. Our Dyson has a broken hose, which just needs to be replaced, but I just procrastinated ordering the new one, and we needed to vacuum. :)

Anyway. New stuff does make me happy. I understand that a plethora of new stuff would make one numb to new stuff, make one desire to have even nicer new stuff. But I can't lie, new stuff makes me happy.

Just carrying that new vacuum cleaner into the house, ooh, I couldn't wait to plug it in and try it out. Yup, such a housewife.

And the new desk-y thing: I love it!

And today I am supposed to take Kathryn and Jonathan to the library. I don't actually want to go out into the cold snowy day, no way no how, but. I think I might anyway....

in which life goes on....

This morning....I was awakened early by noise, but what else is new. Kids are on vacation from school, so there is noise in the morning. Well, the little girls play so nicely in their room most mornings, just occasionally yelling or slamming their door...I thought lots of kids were up, so I got up and got dressed....when I started out to the living room, I realized that Jonathan and Sonja were not up yet...they had slept in the living room because....we are prepping their room to paint it. Their bunkbeds are in the middle of the room, with all their stuff piled on them, the walls spackled and partly sanded...

Anyway, I didn't want to wake up the dogs then the kids, so I said good morning to the princesses, and got back in bed with my book: oh happy day. Not for long: Kathryn came wandering in and settled down on my comfy bed to tell me that the general consensus was...a trip to the mall. The big mall in the big city. Okay, I said, before I had time to think of the hundreds of reasons why this was a bad idea. She said they had swept the living room and kitchen and cleaned up before they asked me:)

So to the mall we went. Charlotte Claire and Camille loved the glass elevators and the escalators and going on the carousel. Jon loved going into BestBuy, nerdy child that he is. He also went into GameStop, and I bought him a new game, since Sam left him his game system.

I do not like the mall. It fills me with disappointment. The glitz and the emptiness, the smell of cinnamon buns and fried food, the indecent mannequins, and the people, walking around like zombies. The men-folk being dragged there, just being good husbands/boyfriends/dads...

Sometimes we find good deals. I have all these daughters, you see, and I like to let them have nice things.

Anyway, I have had enough of the mall for a while.

We stopped at the grocery store on the way home for apples and salad stuff and some snacks for the girls to bring over to Emily's house tonight.

Tomorrow we have to sand the walls a bit more, then we can start painting. I do not really want to do this project right now, there are other things I thought should be done first. But Sonja moved the bunkbeds, then decided it needed to be painted, I bought the paint....and I guess an eleven year old can't paint her own room, so here we are.

Sam arrived in Fort Benning and texted me at 1:40 a.m. He will be all right. I will be all right.