seasons of change...all good things come to an end...

Melancholy. It's always been one of my favorite words. Our house is changing. It's still home, it's still my favorite place in the world. I still have dreams that I move away, and the whole time I am reveling in the grandness of the new house (it's always like an HGTV house!), I am missing this place, wondering why I left "the house with the blue countertops".

But this house is getting quieter, and it's sad. Sometimes, you can hear the clock tick. We are not t.v. people, we haven't even turned on Jeopardy! in weeks. Not many years ago, there were eighteen of us living here in this house. The older ones start leaving, of course they do. These days, there are seven of us here at home. Evelyn was coming home on weekends (she works full time, and is in college full time, stays with Margaret and Adrian, a half hour away), but now is so busy with school, she seems to have settled in to just staying there most of the time. So last evening, I went in to her room looking for something, and it was...empty. Now that bedroom used to be shared by 2, three of the girls at a time. Now...no one is in there, except for when she comes home. It's a nice room. But it's empty. I forgot what I was looking for as I stood there admiring the mirrors that were painted, the bed painted gray, the nice colors of the walls, the little details put in to make it such a nice room...a room that was outgrown, discarded. A sad room. I cried my eyes out.

Empty rooms. Kids growing up. It's almost Halloween, and I'm excited. But my girls...they are getting a bit old for Trick or Treating, even the youngest two are wondering if they're too old. They are considering going, but it's not EXCITING for them this year. They are growing up.

It's not supposed to be sad when your kids grow up, it's part of life. But consider this: I've been in this game for almost 35 years. The house got busier and busier and more and more loud and full and crazy, then it started going in reverse, and now...it's just strange.

In the last year alone, three moved out. Joseph got married and bought a house in town, Kathryn got married and moved to Oregon, Evelyn moved in with Margaret and Adrian. Now Suzanne is planning to move to California, there will be only four kids home.

It happens. I understand that. But please, allow me to wallow in my misery.

The grandchildren, oh they are blessings, they bring energy and life, vitality, into the house. Anne, too. She is a handful at times, but she is a little sunshine, too.

I am very thankful that I have enough to keep my busy. I am certainly not bored, but sometimes I do get a teensy bit lonely. Not for long though. I have some excellent older kids who don't mind hanging out with their mama!

Anyway. Paul is working from home, which I both love and hate, and if you don't understand that, I get it. Yesterday, for example, I called my sister. I hadn't talked to her in DAYS, so it wasn't a five minute phone call. It feels lazy to sit here on the phone for...um...an hour...when he's working hard, so, shh, thank heavens for cell phones, I walked around outside with Anne, let her swing and climb and jump on the trampoline, while I talked to my sister. (At one point yesterday, he said, "Why don't you go out and rake the leaves so Anne can jump in them?" Um, because I'm sitting here comfortably?...)

I am lazy, lazier than the day is long, but I also like to have things relatively in order. The sink empty, the floors swept, the laundry done, and I don't like the house messy. So I do what I need to do, I just laze around in between. I really do love my comfy chair.

I did do ten push ups while my coffee water heated up this morning.

Here's another thing that's interesting...getting old. I thought the other day: if I live to 108, my life is half over.

Every ache and twinge, and I think dismal forebodings. Especially in the night. When you get older, and you fall asleep because you are so exhausted, then wake up at three or four, and the thoughts come in like a freight train, the wonderings and the worryings...there is an unending list of things to worry about. Me, my health, all the WHAT-IFs, then for all the kids! What if?!!! And then the grand kids, and my friends...oh dear. And then there are all the procrastinations, and the ideas, the home improvements, the lists...this can go on until exactly five minutes before I am supposed to get up, then I am conked out fast asleep.

(For the record, I do not actively give in to all of this anxiety. No sir. Jesus himself encouraged us to take his yoke and learn from him, for he is meek and humble of heart...and we will find rest for our souls. Rest for our souls. I'll take that! So I do pray my way through!)

And...Anne will be here soon.