FINALLLLLLLLY!!!!

 I say that as if I have been looking forward to it instead of dreading it with all terror, the knee replacement has been approved and will happen, Lord willing, on November 4th.  I saw the number come up on my phone, and I'm the need a pen and paper when I take/make a phone call type, so I scrambled through my messy purse, in the car after my swim class, for a pen and a receipt to write on.  Jolene from the surgeon's office, it's happening!  Shall we set a date, she asked?  Everything in me was screaming NO, LET'S NOT.  

But I did, because it needs to happen, and I do not like it but am working on my attitude, all over again.  I had myself all psyched out in June, ready to go, now I have to battle the demons again, the anxieties and the doubts.  

The stinky rotten thing is:  I have to do all those pre-op appointments again.  I like dr. visits about as much as I like sticking my head in the toilet, although I've never actually done that, unless you count the countless times I threw up during pregnancies.  

I told myself this fine morning:  I am a lucky, blessed girl to be able to get this done.  It will improve life in the long run (if it doesn't kill me).  So one step forward, two steps back, in the thought process to get myself mentally ready again, ha.  

It's not dying I'm afraid of.  It's hobbling to the bathroom, because my "good" knee is not much better than the bad one, in fact if the surgeon did the wrong one accidentally, it would be a-okay.  

It's the getting into the house, up the steps, going to physical therapy and heaving my arse up onto that table, while retaining a shred of modesty.  I do have a big tummy, and don't know what I'll possibly wear to PT.  

It's the thought of the stretching and pushing and sweating and moving that knee, afterward.

It's the missing out on all the things everyone else will still be doing, while I hobble around.

But, I am going to change my attitude, thought by thought.  I plan to go to Costco and get some good healthy snacks, have you tried a Built bar?  They are so good.  I have been chipping away at things around here getting more organized, yesterday it was the laundry room.  I put away all of my tank tops and sundresses, and washed and hung up long sleeved shirts.  I found a pair of jeans with the tags still on that I got from Old Navy last year, they fit very well.  I cleaned out my dresser and threw away/donated so many things I have held onto but seldom or never wear.  I cleaned off the top of my dresser, so it looks pretty and fancy again.  There is more to do, and I'm enjoying it, I do think it's therapeutic.

The more often you go through your things, the more you realize you need less, and the more radical you get about ditching things.  I saved this last time, and haven't worn it, so goodbye!   The smaller sized jeans that I fit into for a short period of time, yes I love them, but goodbye.  I will buy more if I get that small again.  

Yesterday I went to see Cheryl after my swim class.  I stopped and got us iced Americanos, then went to Dunkin and redeemed 1600 points for four 10 packs of donut holes for the nurses there, where Cheryl is.  Her roommate is having a rough time, and was going to try to nap, so we went upstairs to a nice room with a big skylight, and were able to talk and catch up.  She got tired, so we went back to her room so she could get a nap, which I hope happened. 

I stopped at BJ's on the way home for DampRid for the camper, and some fabric softener sheets, hopefully deter the mice and keep it dry in there for the winter.  I also got another big bag of chocolate chips because they were two dollars off, and a package of pepperoni, also $2 off.  I bought myself a nice blue shirt, which I need like a hole in the head, but I liked it and it was $8.  (When I went through my clothes later, I saw that I REALLY didn't need it, but...I like it.)

When I got home, I jumped right into doing things.  I didn't eat dinner until 7:30, which was two eggs and a cinnamon raisin Ezekial English muffin, then some Thanksgiving stuffing flavored popcorn, which I got from Target, and which is very good. That's all I ate yesterday, oops.  

This fine morning, I have washed some dishes, did a load of laundry, let one kitty in and the other one out, fed them, and not much else.  

It's a super cloudy morning, so absolutely cozy and comfortable.   It's dark in here, and I like it:). You all have a good day, and thank you for kind words and prayers for Cheryl, it's good to see her doing better.  She will never run a marathon, but she's getting stronger, and going home is such a good option.  She has a good attitude and is still so pleasant and funny, but she's tired, and not getting much sleep there, with a room mate who keeps the tv on all day, ect.  

So thank you, and have a really good day!