I'm trying hard not to be. It's just been a very different time in life, and I feel like Rapunzel, and can only imagine running through the grass and singing how glad I am that I left my tower. Yes, I feel like I'm under house arrest. I've gone to PT (but last one was one week ago, I have not left the house since then!), and to three church events, and twice to Aldi in the last eight weeks. That is NOT my normal.
Walking: I am still really struggling, and it's so depressing. I cannot take one step without the walker. Well, I can use the cane for a few steps, but the new knee is just still a bit wobbly. It has gotten better, but...I can't carry my own plate of food, and carrying a cup of hot coffee to my chair is a comedy. I do have a little pocket in the walker, so when the mug is empty I can carry it to the sink and wash it. I can manage to pile my dirty clothes on the front rail of the walker, and can get them into the washer, ect. So it's not like I don't DO anything, but everything just takes longer.
We did have a really nice weekend. Sam and Grace came over with their FOUR children! I did take pictures of the newborn, but a lot of the young moms don't want pics posted of their kids anymore, so that also makes me weary. I will describe the baby though: She is big for a newborn, was over ten pounds! But, she still looks so tiny and fragile! She's beautiful, and has big cheeks, dark hair, and when she opens her eyes and looks around, she seems really aware and smart, she liked the Christmas tree. Her name is Samantha Grace, named after both parents. :). (I declined to hold the baby, I just feel like with flu season and all, I advised them to not let anyone hold her yet...)(I admired her from afar!)
Margaret came over with Blythe while her boys were at a birthday party, and Kathryn came with her kids too. Then Darius came, and they all stayed for dinner, except for Margaret. So it was Paul and I, Char and Cam, Sam and Grace and their 4, although Samantha didn't eat any dinner, Kathryn, Darius and their four...it was impromptu, but I had a brown sugar cured spiral sliced ham in the refrigerator, and a big jar of unsweetened applesauce. Paul put the ham in the oven, Kathryn helped me chop and season a five pound bag of potatoes, we roasted them with olive oil. I peeled and chopped some Granny Smith apples, and put them in a baking dish with the applesauce, some brown sugar, and cinnamon, and into the oven that went. It was a lovely dinner. A few of the kids weren't impressed with anything but the applesauce. Since when do kids hate ham?
It was a three ring circus for a few hours, but I don't mind. I mind that I cannot pick up things that fall on the floor without a lot of effort, and that I can't bring them a coffee, or grab a toddler climbing precariously...I feel kind of helpless. It's also really hard to clean up the house before and after company. I'll see a toy under the couch, and meh...can't get it. I can wash the dishes if they bring them to the counter, but I can't put the big heavy pans away. I can bag up the leftovers, but ha, getting them back into the refrigerator...
Anyway. I'm glad when I have visitors, it's what life is all about, being together. The girls are going to a church camp for the week tonight, so it'll be quiet here, plus we're getting another snow storm starting tonight. I'm not even going to attempt to start to take down Christmas until the weekend.
Emily is having a New Year's Eve thing at her house, she has had the upstairs entirely remodeled and we want to see it! She's having an early celebration, counting down at nine o'clock, ha. I hope there's not too much snow and that we can make it over there.
I've sat here long enough. I only peddled this morning, before my coffee. I need to get up and do heel slides and leg lifts, and and and. Please keep me in your prayers for stability in the new knee...it's gone on long enough, in my opinion. I have had some really tearful times, to be honest. It's ridiculous, I just want to walk! I have a lot to be thankful for in my healing, the pain is minimal, although sleeping at night is still just a few hours at a time, with a lot of aching and discomfort. But the incision is healed up nicely, and I can move the leg well. It's just that it lurches with no warning sometimes...I go to see the surgeon on Friday, so we'll see what he says...
In summary, I am a very optimistic, look at the bright side person. This whole situation has really leveled me. I've never had to fight so hard to not fall into depression before. With all the babies and sleeplessness and trials with teenagers, and all the things that go with raising sixteen kids...this is the thing that has tried me the most. There are so many aspects of it that rankle me: having to ask for help. The dog bed in my way as I hobble to the bathroom, someone's shoes behind the bathroom door so I can't open it wide enough to get the walker in, the step stool left out in the main bathroom so I can't get in without putting it away, no towel in front of the sink so I have to put wet hands on the walker as I go to get one from the front of the stove, no water in the coffee heater, have to bring the kettle over to the sink...just annoyances that seem magnified. I have had to let most of the things that I would neaten up or straighten go, everyone is busy doing their own thing, and no one else cares if the plant they moved off the coffee table to scrapbook is in the wrong place now. :).
Of course this is all weighed and measured, it's happening because I need it, and deep down I know this. It's a trial, and we know that our faith has to be tried by fire, so that we can be cleansed, purified, like gold. So with that knowledge, I am not giving up. I do not want to be miserable, nor feel sorry for myself, so I fight...our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities, (Ephesians 6). Those sneaky little thoughts of despair! NO.
I won't lie though. I am longing to see the end of this trial! I am dreaming of walking through the sand up at the lake, and skipping up the steps into the camper! Walking into Costco, and perusing every aisle with nary a limp! I won't miss the walker, nor will I miss my time here in captivity, although it hasn't been awful. The part that makes it really challenging is knowing how blessed I am, while at the same time feeling such discontent...but I choose to believe that I feel that discontent because we are driven to excel, and without that drive, I would just languish here, not pushing myself to heal. If I felt everything was just hunky dory, then I wouldn't subject myself to PT, or all these exercises.
In any case, I feel better having vented, and if anyone has gotten this far, wow? You all are probably pretty sick and tired of hearing wah wah wah from me by now...one of these days, it'll all be just a memory. You all have a really nice day! If you're in warm weather, enjoy. Part of my longing to walk of course involves walking barefoot in warm weather ha....
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