it's the teeny tiny little things....

 This fine morning, I did something new:  I went to the pool, all by myself.  ALL BY MYSELF.  Yes, I walked down the deck steps, to the car (to be fair, Paul did move it to the front of the driveway for me!), and drove to the pool.  I could have gone around back and parked close, and called the desk, they would have unlocked the back door for me to come in, but I got a nice close parking spot, and decided to walk down the long sidewalk.  

This was the first time I was actually there during water aerobics class, since before the surgery.  It was so nice to be back!  I was able to do some of the things, but also was walking back and forth, just moving.  One of the nice ladies in class walked with me back down the sidewalk to my car:)

Next time, I'll go in the back door!  It has stairs, but it's a much shorter walk.

Now, since I've been home, I had a second coffee and sat here in my comfy chair.  Then I got up, took care of my wet swim stuff, put in a load of laundry, went on the exercise bike a little, just to get the stiffness out...then I vacuumed my room.  It had been way too long.  Of course I vacuumed for like ten minutes before I realized the vacuum wasn't working well, someone (probably me) had vacuumed up a big plastic bead.  Behind that bead:  dog hair, fuzz, dust, crumbs...ugh.  

Anyway.  I still need to vacuum the rest of the house, but I took another break.  I have to leave here in just a little while for PT, which is gonna be killer, after going to the pool, but I didn't want to call last minute and reschedule, AGAIN.  

Oh dear, it's snowing out!  Big fat flakes!  It was raining when I left the pool...I hope it doesn't get too icy.  

And, here it is, four in the afternoon, and I'm home from PT.   They tried a new thing, had me lie down with a bolster under the knee, and hold it up and tighten the thigh muscle, while the therapist poked and prodded around the knee...it's supposed to wake up the brain-nerve connection.  Well.  I proceeded to do the other lovely things that I do in PT, bike and balance board, leg press, leg lift thing...but they were nice and didn't make me do the stair stepper, since I had been to the pool.  Was it worth $88?  ha.  not really, but I don't feel ready to walk away from it yet, since I can't walk yet ha.

I came home from PT, checked the things in the dryer, made an afternoon coffee, then was walking to my chair, feeling pretty good about my busy day, when my knee...sort of buckled.  I didn't fall, but it is so disconcerting.  It seems to happen more when I'm really tired, and it does happen less and less, so that's good.  But dang!  

It's like it's saying Don't you get any ideas about saying things are going so much better!

Overall, I have no complaints.  Except for this:  Today when I was getting the vacuum cleaner, I had the thought to tell Cheryl about swim class, because she knew the lady who walked me out to my car, and it hit so hard, I felt a sudden flash of strong anger.  I didn't dwell in it.  I am not mad that she died.  But I partly am!  I do not like it, not one little bit.   I know that's the selfish part of me speaking, but it is what it is.  I miss her terribly.  Of course I do.  You don't love someone and care about them, and go on adventures with them, and do fun things with your kids together with them, coupon shop, and make the same dresses with the same patterns and collect the same toys for your kids, and laugh about the same things, sit in the sun together and solve the worlds' problems for years and decades, then boom, it ends and you're not sad!  I still am here, I am still alive, but I'm not whole anymore.    I can't imagine the days ahead without her.  

The depths of despair...that's what Anne Shirley told Marilla in Anne of Green Gables.  Cheryl and I liked to use that term.   I am not wallowing, no, I won't stay in those depths...but it is a process, and I do miss her like crazy.  My son Samuel always likes to say,  "Two things can be true at once", and in this case yes, I am sad and I miss my sister, but I am also very happy and thankful, if that makes sense.  

Ah well....it's What Are We Having for Dinner O'Clock, and I am envying all of you meal planners right about now...have a good evening!