tired me and sad birthdays....

Yes, I stayed up too late. We watched the relatively new Spiderman movie, which I wondered why they bothered to remake a good movie with a good Peter Parker and lovely Mary Jane, but the new version was pretty good. It was Evelyn's birthday, and she picked the movie. When it was over, the girls were putting in another movie, at 12:30 ish....

Anyway, at 6 ish this morning, Duke started barking to go out. I got up fast so he wouldn't wake up the whole house on this dark cozy morning, and let the two of them out. I stayed out there on the deck, and called them back to me when they were done...Suri came, Duke looked me in the eye, not really, but he did seem to consider his options....then took off down the street to visit his girl-dog. rrrr. I should have run after him in my nightie, but I didn't. So here I am waiting for him to get back, feeling like a Bad Dog Owner, a Bad Neighbor, and actually, quite tired. I should have gotten dressed and gone after him, but now, he'll be back any minute...right?

If I get dressed I'll be really wide awake.

And duh, I want to go back to bed.

Paul just left for work. I made him a pot of coffee, because I love him. He thinks I'm crazy, sitting here in the gloom, writing away. :)

Today, I have plans. I have to go somewhere to get something printed, and to get something to bring to Grandma's 85th birthday party tomorrow. I know Evelyn wants me to take her to Target to return the maternity skirt I accidentally bought her, but Target is a dangerous place to bring teenage girls. See, if five or six girls all find one or two or Lord Help Me, three things....even if they're cheap, it adds up somehow to a hundred bucks. The girls say I have a Check-out face. I was never aware of it until they pointed it out, but sure enough, I feel that face coming on when I slide that card.

Anyway. Evelyn's birthday wasn't supposed to be sad. She turned 15. I bought a nice butterfly tablecloth and matching cups. We had heater cake (she wanted it!)(Pepperidge Farms frozen chocolate frosted three layer cake), and the two ice cream pies she made herself. I put out dishes of KitKats, York Peppermints, and miniature Reese's with the dessert. And our dinner was yum: I cut up chicken breast into small chunks, and cooked it up in two frying pans with seasonings. It was interesting that the stuff in the iron skillet browned up so nicely. Anyway, Sonja and I chopped up tomatoes and onions and added olive oil, garlic, and cilantro. We served it with some nice baguettes from Wegmans. We also had sliced cucumbers, and green pepper from the garden.

The sad part? Well, there were ten of us at the table. Ten. I know, that seems like almost a crowd to some people, but for us, for a birthday, it was almost desolate. Only seven of our kids, one cousin, and Mama and Daddy. Nine of our kids not here. Ben and Sam in the Army, a few of the older ones working, then some at a fundraiser...

Evelyn didn't invite any friends over, either. She was back and forth about it, then just didn't do it. Now, before you feel too sorry for her,(:)) she IS going away for the weekend to Connecticut with two sisters, her cousin, and a few older girls from church.

I live a blissful life. I get hugs all day from my little girls, enjoy conversations with my teenagers, and with Mr. Jonathan, who is a ten year old little old man, who quite certainly knows everything. I have a million things to take care of, and am extremely thankful that we can get by without me working.

It isn't all fun and games though. I feel the weight of responsibility so strongly sometimes it might just crush me, to use the time wisely and teach my kids what they need to know in life. And now that I have taken on more to homeschool, I second guess my ability to teach them properly. I wonder if I have taken the plunge for selfish reasons. With the summer winding down, and only three kids heading to school (I haven't sent only three kids since Benjy went to kindergarten, some 20 years ago!), I wonder how long it will take for homeschooling to get old for the kids. Will they resent being home? It goes so against the grain still, yet parents seem so fine and actually happy to send their kids off to perfect strangers when September rolls around. And the bus drivers. Don't even get me started. Just because it is What Kids Do. They go to school. The government says so, the people do it. I just don't buy it that it's the best for all kids, yet I don't feel 100% that keeping them here is absolutely for their best either. So, I made the decision, along with Paul, he doesn't have much faith in our dear government, so school is not so very esteemed by him. We are absolutely not critical of the teachers, no sir, we have been blessed by many excellent ones, who truly care about our children. It's more the blanket policies, the cookie cutter teaching, the one-size-fits all approach, way they dawdle and waste time and feel free to have pajama day to watch movies, yet I am breaking the law by keeping them home when they aren't sick, to watch a movie with ME, perhaps.

Yes, I know I am rambling. Perhaps I should backspace that whole paragraph away, or do some editing.

So I have to call the window company, which I am of course procrastinating. We need to replace a few windows here, a few there, so I have to have all those rooms clean at the same time, so the window people don't think we're slobs. Or rather so they don't find out that we are slobs, it is a big secret, see. Well, "slob" is a horrid word, isn't it? I think I would prefer, "Housekeeping Challenged".

Ah well. I do feel weighed down by responsibilities sometimes. Paul works long hours, he usually doesn't even get to eat dinner with us unless I serve it past 7:30. And he's so tired these days, just from work. He is in a-fib constantly, and it tires him out. (yes, he is seeing a good cardiologist, and yes, he is going to be treated for it, yes he is on medication, hopefully the treatment course will cure him of it). He works very hard, and I do what I can to make sure things are nice for him at home. I have always leaned on him for support, as he's leaned on me. But as he has been so tired lately, I feel like I need to step up and handle more. I also feel helpless sometimes, seeing him put his finger on his neck,feeling that pulse of his just flying, skipping all around. I know, I know, lots of people have a-fib. It isn't a death sentence. He'll be fine. But I am still allowed to feel what I feel. I love him so dearly.

In all this, I know that God is weighing and measuring, and giving us just what we can bear, just right for us. He has works to do in us, and sends all the right trials.