summer 2011

summer 2011

Paul and I, all 16 kids and Ashley, Benjamin's wife...Christmas 2012

Paul and I, all 16 kids and Ashley, Benjamin's wife...Christmas 2012

Saturday, January 30, 2016

fatass rant....

Here in the western world, American culture, thin is in. Being fat is epidemic, it's killing us, we are obese!

You can't blame us, everything tastes so good, and it's so cheap! An apple is good...when it's fresh and crunchy, but give me an off season apple with a couple of bruises in it, or a smushy grape, or a pear that is engineered be picked when it's hard as a rock, then ripen on the way to the store...and it's still crunchy and flavorless and yuck. But Doritos, they're always good! Dollar menus, with the salty fatty flavor enhanced deep fried yummies.

So you can't blame us. When I was a kid, a can of soda was special, I can count on one hand how many times I had one all to myself. Cake was for birthdays. We got chips on payday, not every day in our lunches.

Anyway, we're fat. And believe you me, fat people are treated differently than not-so-fat people. I am still fat, but more ACCEPTABLY fat. 70 pounds down now, but still in a size 16 jeans, I am still fat. But. Let me tell you something. It's different. In the Target parking lot several years ago, I didn't put my cart back where it belonged because I had unloaded small children into the van, and didn't want to walk to the cart return and leave them in there (but also I was probably lazy, and heck, my knees probably hurt after walking all the way through Target)...anyway, as I climbed into the driver's seat of that 15 passenger van, this snarky young couple that pulled into the parking spot across from me grabbed the shopping cart I had left there, and yelled, "No wonder you're fat!" ouch. Once I went on this lovely dinner cruise with Paul, and as we stood appreciating the view, I turned my head and a group of his co-workers all turned away from me at the same time. I continued to stare in their direction, and sure enough, they all peeked over at me, and looked away real quick-like. I caught them. They were talking about me. I had put so much thought into my yellow flowered blue skirt, and yellow elbow sleeved top. No bare arms for me! I had my Birkenstocks on, of course. Maybe they were saying how pretty I looked! Or maybe they heard I had a busload of kids at home. But I don't think so...because when I looked at them, they were ashamed. They didn't smile at me, like they would if they were saying nice things about me.

What kills me is that I am the same exact person as I was before. And when I lose fifty more pounds (hey, it COULD happen!), I will still be the same person. But hopefully I will never ever forget what if feels like to be snickered at. I know, I was probably a sight, especially when Easter candy was 75% off and I was filling my cart. But still.

My metabolism isn't what I would like it to be. I can't eat like a normal person anymore, or my weight will come back with a vengeance. And I don't want that to happen, because I FEEL so much better. I am not running marathons, or doing CrossFit, but I can explore cities and navigate airports and go to parks and malls without huffing and puffing. I can buckle seatbelts and fit in more normal clothes. But I am still me.

I can work at the basketball games, something I couldn't do 70 pounds ago.

Been there done that...I KNOW what it's like to feel hopeless, to feel like that it won't make a whit of difference whether I eat another cupcake or not, I'm still fat, and I could never diet. I used to read so much about weight loss before I took the plunge and really started working on it...I was a huge, fat, weight loss expert. But the numbers were big and scary, and baby steps seemed impossible. And have you heard the success rate of losing large amounts and actually keeping it off? 5%. Yeah, 95% of people gain it all back, and then some. So why try?

For me, as I have written a million times, it was the acid reflux...heartburn 24/7. I had managed it for a few years with antacids and it just got worse. When I finally went to the doctor for it, and saw that my nice low blood pressure was creeping up, I flipped out. I was 46 years old, not ready for the downward slide! The doctor said it wasn't that bad, to just start on the Prilosec, and we would sort out the b.p. later, maybe start on some meds.

I left the office a shaking mess. No. I had to do something. So I did.

I haven't been perfect, it hasn't been easy. But when my size 24 jean skirt started falling down, I knew I was making progress. After a bit I bought a scale. It's been five years since I started to fight back, and it hasn't been easy. I got pregnant for baby #17 after losing the first 25 pounds, and even saw it's tiny heartbeat on the sonogram, but then lost the baby. Sticking to plan wasn't easy during that. I also had gall bladder removal, and you know, real life. Parties and celebrations and trips and just normal baking cookies for the kids. Saying NO a million times doesn't feel rewarding, but it's the story of my life, and I'm sticking to it.

In a perfect world, we wouldn't be judgy wudgy about anyone. I know, there are things I have ranted about here...parents being mean to their kids, toddlers in strollers playing with tablets instead of walking or even just looking at the world around them...but I'm working on working on ME, and giving others freedom to just be themselves. But as for fat shaming, one of the last frontiers of allowable judging, because heck, it's THEIR FAULT. no. I will not. I have walked in those still walking in those shoes...

And now, no lie, I am going in the kitchen to help my girls bake cookies for their activity groups. For their sakes, I just try to be normal about it, but we all know that I can't eat any of those cookies...

p.s. One of my coping mechanisms is to buy things that I CAN have, like macadamia nuts, pistachios, peppered cashews, and salt and vinegar peanuts, frozen rasberries and blueberries...90% dark chocolate. They can be expensive, but it helps! I also splurge on good coffee, and different kinds of tea. I also chew different flavors of gum when I really want to eat something...


a portland granny said...

Hang in there!! I lost 60 pounds thirteen years ago and have kept it off. So it can be done. I've lost 15 more in the last year, which has been a shock to me, as I eat whatever I want, only in smaller quanities. You are a fighter and you will do it! Over the thirteen years, there have been a couple of times, five extra pounds crept up and somehow, I was able to stop what I was doing and get back on a healthy eating plan!!

Don't get discouraged....and don't let yourself get 'married' to the scale. Choose one day a week to get weighed and make it the same time of day. I don't weigh myself any more, but rather wait and do it at the doctor's office when I go in. I am always down a pound or two which always shocks me!!

Keep up the good work and enjoy the things you can eat!!
You have so many wonderful qualities, and I am sure you are loved for who you are, not what you weigh!! As a mother, I do so admire you--your laid-back, accepting ways you treat your children. I know you are adored by them. That's a real gift.

Blessings, dear sister, as you continue this hard road to continued weight loss!!

S. Mifsud said...

Hats off to you! And I will say it again, I for one cannot see you as fat anymore, you look fantastic!!

Susan R said...

It made me cry to think of anyone ever saying a mean thing to you. Well of course no one who knows your heart even a little would ever do such a thing. I will speak for myself and say that you are a super hero to me Della. i love the life lessons that you share with us in such an honest way. You will always be beautiful at any weight.

Pamela Wade said...

I love this post! You have done so well with your weight loss. I wish I could just get the motivation somehow. I've lost 30 pounds in the last few years and then gain back about 15 and then lost those 15 again a couple of times. I need to lose 100 pounds but right now I would be thrilled with 50! I too love the sweets. If I could just somehow tell myself that I wasn't going to eat them anymore and then stick to that I think the weight would probably just start coming off. My knees hurt so bad...and my feet, and now my legs are hurting. I've been using a cane once in awhile the past few months. I know what I need to do and I do good for a few days and then something comes up and I give in. It seems like with a big family (we have 8 kids) that there is always a perpetual party going on! Especially at night! But, I do need to do something because I can't stand feeling like an old lady when I'm only 54! I'm too young to feel this old! It gives me hope to read what you're doing. I will just have to try harder! One of our boys is getting married in 9 weeks...I would so love to lose at least 30 pounds by then but I know that's a big goal! I wanted to lose 50 by then but kept putting it off......anyway, thanks for your post! ~~Pam

16 blessings'mom said...

You guys are too kind. Pam, the only way I have found to even remotely get free from the bondage of sugar addiction is to eat keto...high fat, low carb. It gets me in a satisfied state, more or less. More than normal for me, but less than perfect, as I'll always ogle the cuppycakes. I admire and want the goodies, but don't HAVE to have them, unless I cheat, which wakes up the monster in me:) I know what you mean about the perpetual party! My teenagers will open a bag of something, get out the dip, and I will KNOW I don't need anything. So I will try the gum thing, or have a cup of tea, which will make certain I'll be up in the night for the bathroom...ugh. It's a lifelong battle. But worth it, to me, to have more energy and feel better.

Anyway, you all are so nice to me..thank you.

FLmom7 said...

I love this! You are doing awesome! I've noticed in your pictures lately that you are looking very healthy:) I have prediabetes and am trying to keep my blood sugar under control, which means being careful with carb intake and trying to eat mostly veg/protein/healthy fats. It is not easy. I Love Carbs, lol...But our health is worth it. So keep it up, you are an inspiration.

~Michelle in Florida

Marilyn said...

I also think you are a beautiful woman.....inside and out Della. I certainly don't see you as fat!!! My look fabulous!!!! Take a have done an amazing job. Those people who glared at you were just soooooooo rude. Shame on them!!!! Just be glad you are not like them. I too struggle along with my weight. I am down to a size 12 though and feel good. I cut carbs.......I don't add sugar to anything I eat..cereal, coffe etc. I stay away from potato, but have a yam once in a while and let's face it, we have to live too. Once again I am going to look fantastic!!!!!

Marilyn from Canada

16 blessings'mom said...

Michelle, why oh why, are the carbohydrates so good? I could LIVE on bread and bagels, with an occasional cookie thrown in for good measure. Crusty Italian bread with butter, or dipped in olive oil...oh dear. Marilyn, good for you! I was a size 12 about 30 years ago:) Thank you, though, for your kind words. :)