the achy break-y heart of mothering...

Suzanne is moving to California, leaving tonight. That simple statement doesn't give away the grief, the sadness, the slipping-through-my-fingers feeling...
The last pic is with Kathryn, when she visited in the summer.

So here we are again, another one leaving home. It doesn't mean I won't see her, because it's always on my radar to go to California to see the boys. But once they leave home, it's never the same. They come back to visit, and see the house through different eyes.

So of the sixteen kids, only Sonja, Jonathan, Charlotte Claire, and Camille...25% of them, ha. Now for some people, four kids at home might seem like a lot. And it IS a lot, but we are rattling around like peas in a pod. We have four empty bedrooms.

Everything is such drama with me. Kids grow up, stand on their own two feet, parents get old, and maybe downsize, and life goes on. But my life has been so defined by motherhood. So many years of nurturing and nagging. Each of those babies born and placed into my arms, rocked and nourished, reluctantly sent out the door to school, growing strong and independent, until one day, poof! Our home becomes, "Mom and Dad's house".

When the older ones come here, it's happy, it's good, it gets loud and silly and overflowing, and I love it. But it'll never be the same, as it was when they were all here at home. In fact, I wonder if they'll all even ever be here at the same time again. I wonder if our last family pic will actually be our last, as they grow and have their own families.

The goal in having children is basically to help them reach the place where they can stand on their own two feet, help them to reach adulthood, to be responsible, upstanding citizens.

But mama here has formed attachments. I've given my all, loved them and focused on them, cared so deeply. Part of me screams, "Please don't leave me! Don't go so far away!" All these days of seeing you, all these Good Mornings and afternoon coffees and daily interactions, we knew they were finite, yet the end of them hurts me deeply.

I know I am a drama queen, I do know that. You just cannot imagine how sad I am that Suzanne is leaving home. She cannot possibly fathom how much I care for her, how much I'll miss her as she pursues her dreams.

Living in the these times, being able to keep in touch so easily, does help. But once they leave home, it's never the same.

This morning, Suzanne will come upstairs, she will maybe wash a few dishes, she'll have coffee with me, maybe we'll go to the store one last time, as we are running out of coffee filters and sandwich baggies, and have only a half gallon of milk. But later today, she is leaving, and in the wee hours of the morning, she will get on that plane, and that will be it.

I wonder why we moms have to love our kids so much, so much that it hurts. I wish I could go back in time, and give my own mom a big hug, because now I understand a bit more. I would listen more when she started in on her, "when you were little...", instead of rolling my eyes like my kids do now.

Anyway. Evelyn is going on a trip out to visit Miss Kathryn and Darius, and their new baby, I'm bringing her to the airport on Friday.

Paul is probably going on a work trip this month, and I am hoping to go on a girls' getaway weekend at the end of this month. We need a trip to the library, to stock up on books for Jonathan. Camille is sick, she had a flu shot this year, but has a fever and a slight cough. She spent the last few days on the couch, and did not go to school this morning. I hope Suzanne doesn't catch it, no fun traveling while sick.

Anyway. Life is good, even with the sadness. I am going to the pool tonight, for a deep water arthritis class, with my friend Angela.