are we all glad for another day of life?

I know I am.

Grateful. Thankful. Happy. Yet frustrated that I now have no idea why I have this pain. I can live with the pain, it isn't horrible, ha, it's easier than dancing through the medical world and waiting for phone calls. As long as it's not life-threatening, I don't really care. But what if ignoring it makes it worse? I read a futuristic novel once where the people had this annual scan which could detect pretty much any ailment...I need one of those.

Or perhaps I should just put my head back in the sand.

In any case, today is a good day. There is still snow on the ground, so it seems Christmas-y in here. Samuel is still home on leave from the Army, and is sleeping on the couch with the over-the-stove fan on high. I usually just get some coffee and sit in my chair anyway, but yesterday he said the noise of my typing kept waking him up. He stays up late watching stuff with his sisters, so I was nice this morning and am in my room. With my coffee, of course.

The princesses went to Emily's house to spend the night. She is bringing them home and picking up some of the older girls to bring ice skating. She is the best oldest child a family could have. :)

I am in an organizing mood. The little girls have been wanting me to clean out their closet for forever and a day. There are clothes hanging in there that honestly, they have not even worn. A baby dress of Emily's, Benjamin's baby overalls...a bag of cloth diapers, just in case. Just in case what, I don't know. Some of us think we need to be prepared for...something. Shelves full of Fisher-Price Little people houses...a barn, the gas station, the merry-go-round...minus most of the accessories, which have gotten lost through the years. They might be worth something, we can't get rid of them! ha. I am just done storing things that I'll never put on ebay. To the thrift store they will go, and if no one wants them - oh well.

Now I just need to figure out how to get my organizing mood transferred to actually cleaning that closet.

I don't want to do it today, it's one of Sam's last days here. He has to be back on base by midnight on the first, so we're not sure yet when he's heading back.

I also am making a new and better commitment to health: more exercise! More veggies! Going off plan for Christmas has thrown me, the sugar cravings came back with a vengeance. All I want is chocolate! I did have a few pieces yesterday, nothing crazy, but I have to stop it. I am now only two pounds over my pre-Christmas weight, down from five pounds over. Why oh why does it take so long to lose it, yet it comes back on so very quickly?

Anyway...this all leads me to a question...why when the new year rolls around do we all want to clean and organize and eat well and exercise? Is this normal, or have we all been brainwashed by advertising? I mean, look at the Target ad this week. Exercise clothes and cleaning products. Even Aldi has their usual January stock: yoga mats and hand weights.

All this re-commitment is uncomfortable. I don't want to go out in the cold for a walk! I don't want to change into work out clothes and get all sweaty! I don't like when my heart pounds and I get all tired! I want to stay comfy and warm and relaxed. The conundrum in this whole thing is that when I actually go outside that comfort zone and do the things I think I despise, I feel great...I feel accomplished. I know, I know, get off my lazy middle-aged rear end, stop talking, and just do it.

I read this blog of an overweight woman who knew she needed a huge kick in the bum for incentive, so she booked a trip with this five day mountain hike...six months from now. So she needs to lose the weight and get in shape, or else.

Paul is going to find out soon when he can get time off in the new year for our trip to Florida. The kids keep clamoring about it, they can't wait. Even the 23 hour drive is fun for them. It has been a warm winter for us, but we still haven't had the sunshine soaking into our skin...for way too long now. I just crave it.

From my cleaning and organizing yesterday afternoon, I have several bags in the back of the minivan to go to the thrift store, so I need to get moving, lest they get comfy in there and stay for a while.

and...the phone call...

the scan was all clear! This is good news, of course, made me happy...yet confused. I still have a pain in my side, and no more gallbladder, so that's not it. The dr. is supposed to call me tomorrow to talk about further testing, ect. I am at the point now where I would like to just go back to doing what I do best, ignoring it and hoping it will go away.

Our living room is crazy right now. Jonathan is flying one remote control helicopter, Char another. Emily is reading the I Spy book with Cam, and Paul, Sonja, and I are just chilling. We cleaned up lots of toys in the end of our living room, packed up several bags to send to the thrift store...so we could fit in a nice Ikea organizer that Aaron gave to us. It was lots of work, but there is much more room, and the kids are loving the play space.

Anyhow. I thought I would check in and let you all know the scan results. I am really really hoping this is just nothing...

so much to learn....

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I mean, Samuel is home on leave! There was coffee! It was pouring rain outside, and the Christmas lights were twinkling in here! Aside from the fact that the dr. office STILL hadn't heard from the hospital about my scan, it was a fine day indeed.

Then the phone rang...it was the dr. office...just telling me that they hadn't heard yet, but would be calling the hospital again to see what was going on. I found my heart pounding, my hands shaking. This is ridiculous. Either something's wrong, or it isn't. There's not a stinking thing I can do about it.

Emily, our oldest daughter, came over to bring Miss Evelyn to a bookstore downtown. Samuel was fine staying home, but some of the other girls wanted to do something, so they tagged along with Em and Ev...Kathryn, Suzanne, and Sonja joined them. They dropped Jonathan off at his friend's house, so that left me here with only Joseph, who doesn't count because he was working in his room, and Miss Char and Miss Cam...they wanted to do something fun, but I was expecting that dreaded phone call...I pictured myself driving and my phone ringing, and having to pull over....so we stayed here and had fun instead.

We got out the beads and made bracelets. Then we had a warm yummy lunch (mine wasn't as yummy as theirs'). Then 4:30 hit, the dr. office was closed, I wasn't getting a call, so we left for town, to get a new Redbox movie. Then to the little grocery store there for ice cream, sprinkles, and hot fudge. (no, I didn't have any). By then Paul was home, then the older kids all stomped back in the door...they had gone out for Thai food, and weren't hungry for dinner. We had such a late lunch, we weren't hungry either. So Paul just had a huge salad and a leftover burger from the other day, all by his lonesome.:)

We got some snow last night, which changed over to freezing rain. It's icy out there. I went out with the dogs this morning...

Winter...it's lovely from the windows, but driving in it is not fun. Nine of my kids are licensed drivers now, and two have their permits. So I don't stay up and worry every night, but it concerns me when they drive in bad weather, because every mom knows their kids do not know how to drive. I remember hitting those invisible brakes.

The bad labradors are on the couch they aren't allowed on. Charlotte Claire just came down the hall, and Suri started wagging that tail! Duke is old. He is sleeping so deeply we have to check and see if he's still breathing sometimes. We ask, "Do you want to go out? Want to go out?!", and he just wakes up and lies there considering, and more often than not, decides that no, he doesn't care to go out, actually, and puts his head back down on his paws, and sighs a deep sigh. Poor Duke.

I want this week to go by sloooowly. The kids are on vacation, Sam's here, and next week, Aaron's leaving for California. He's supposed to come over this afternoon to bring us some of his apartment furniture. wah. I am SO going to visit him though. I have never been to California, and it's high time I did. ha.

There's a yummy beef stew in the fridge, that I made on Sunday, and a turkey thawing for tomorrow. When it's dismally overcast and rainy and snowy and chilly, it's nice to have those winter-y foods. I've been buying special things they don't usually get, like chips and dips, and soda. I drink diet soda a few times a week, but prefer water. And coffee, of course. And hot tea in the evenings. There's the matter of all the Christmas chocolate I received...I just want to eat it all. Milk chocolate assortment...chocolates from around the world...

And these from Sam. 1260 calories. For the whole jar, of course. He told me to save them and open them sometime later, when there aren't so many people around, which we all know is a recipe for disaster. It is clearly a one serving jar, ha.

Kids are getting up and about, we are on a late vacation schedule...so there are things to do, laundry to switch, breakfast to see to....

christmas vacation....

And there's no snow here in the northeast...well, there was a dusting this fine morning, and we are supposed to get some tonight. It's just chilly out, damp and wet...no sledding or ice skating, unless we go to an indoor rink. The local roller skating rink closed down, and the kids' museums are expensive. Shopping is also expensive:) I was thinking to at least gather the kids today and take them out for pizza.

But then I am not sure the doctor's office has my cell phone number. Do I wait around for a phone call? It's the Monday after a three day Christmas weekend, the phones at that office are probably ringing off their hooks...people who waited all weekend with their ailments, until they could call on Monday morning.

One minute I think I'm totally fine, they didn't fine a thing on the scan, or perhaps one of those water-filled cysts that will just go away on it's own. Life stretches before me infinitely again. Then I eat something, and feel so bloated and full, and have heartburn, and just feel blah, and I am certain that I am a goner.

And in the midst of it, there is this thing called Real Life. You know, where the dirty towels stack up and you run out of garbage bags and the 'fridge really needs to be cleaned out. And our refrigerator is picking a fine time to act up: Paul keeps having to use the hair dryer to melt the ice so the fridge side stays cold...it's science. I swear, our appliances are haunted. But we know how to fix a leaky washer, throw a towel on the floor in front of it. We have a refrigerator towel, too.

Paul's back to work today, but only for today, tomorrow, and Wednesday, then he has another nice long weekend.

Sometimes I feel like I have lost myself along the way, in being a mom. My life is molded around the needs and wants of others. I would love to go get in bed and read a book, but I would only do that if everything else was taken care of, and no one needed me for anything. But again, The Grass Is Always Greener thing...it truly isn't doing what you like that makes you happy, it's being happy in what you're doing. My life is rich and blessed, yet I find so much discontent. And while writing this, I had a thought: maybe it's time to play the Glad Game, you know, Pollyanna? She received a missionary barrel, and hoped there was a doll in it, but there were a pair of crutches. So she decided to just be glad she didn't NEED the crutches. Thankfulness is a very powerful force, it does indeed wage war against the Poor Me spirit.

We do get to choose, despite our circumstances, whether to be thankful or just complain endlessly. Does God really know just what I need, or do I know better?

my six youngest daughters....

Suzanne 14, Sonja K. 13, Kathryn 17, me 50 ha, Evelyn Joy 16, then Miss Charlotte Claire 9, and Miss Camille Anaya 8...the other 10 are scattered here and there and at work...


We went out and about yesterday to pick up Kathryn's new glasses, and Evelyn's new glasses. Kap needs hers for reading, Ev for distance. We were good girls, and decided not to walk the mall while we were there. Camille, the girl on crutches, was the only one who really wanted to...Cam likes clothes, and loves getting new ones, so she was really wanting to look. But the older girls were feeling spoiled and satiated from Christmas still, and agreed that if we looked we would want to buy, and we don't need anything.

We did stop at the grocery store...we decided to have pasta and meatballs for dinner, with fresh Italian bread and rolls, in case they wanted meatball subs. (I had green beans with meatballs).

They were planning a get-together last night, but we ended up with just five friends over. The older girls borrowed Char and Cam's new karaoke machine, and were loud and silly. The little girls played in their room, Jon played video games, and the rest of us watched a stupid scary movie, but it was fun.

This morning as I cleaned up candy wrappers and emptied soda cups and tea mugs, and swept up stray potato chips and cookie crumbs, I thought, "I am done with Christmas." Don't get me wrong. I love company. But as the Mom, I see what needs to be done, and either I do it myself, or I enlist help, and that is a lose/lose situation. Balk, balk, balk, why don't you ask HER, she hasn't done ANYTHING. Okay, they aren't always that bad, sometimes I exaggerate. It isn't just the cleaning up...I can't explain it...but sometimes I get to where I would like to go crawl into bed and pull the covers over myself, and get away from all the noise and banter. Just saying this makes me feel like a bad person, but it's there. It's not as strong as the desire to be with my kids though, and if one of the older ones who no longer lives at home were to call me right now and say they were coming over, I would put on a pot of coffee and get ready for a visit. The grass is always greener. I remember years ago, complaining about the perpetual motion of our household to my mother...she gave me no sympathy. She simply said, "I'll trade you. It's so lonely here..."

This morning, Paul and some of the older ones left for the basketball game...Joseph, his friend Caleb, Suzanne, Sonja...are all here, but in their rooms...so just Jonathan 11, Char 9, and Cam 8 were here in the living room with me. I said, "What if we just had three kids, just you three...whatever would we do?" They agreed it would be strange. The girls skipped down to their room to play with their new dolls, Jon is on his computer, and it is quiet in here. The tree is lit up, the coffee pot is on, the dogs are snoring.

And...we are out of milk, coconut oil, and the Redbox movie has to be returned. It is dismal and rainy out, and I don't want to get dressed and leave. I took a piece of beef from the freezer and am planning a stew...or just maybe a roast...it is frozen solid, I am such a good planner, I astound even my self.

I don't mind keeping busy though. And I like making good food, making people happy. The meatballs last night were so good, and so appreciated. Sam either eats at the mess hall (I don't think that's what it's called anymore, in the Army, but whatever), or he eats what he prepares himself...which is not homecooked food. He wants me to make him some beef stroganoff this week.

Ben and Ashley sent us some coffee from out there in Seattle Washington, the unofficial coffee capitol of the country. It's nice and dark and so so good. Mali's boyfriend Zac bought me Starbuck's Cinnamon Dolce, which Sam also bought me, along with a bag of caramel coffee. Oooh, I like Christmas coffee! The chocolates though, dang, I want to eat them. I am thinking of being a good clean eater all week, then having chocolate on New Year's Eve.

We still have cookies here, then Sonja's friend arrived last night with a big pan filled with...more cookies, plus rice krispie Christmas trees. I didn't touch them, but the kids did. We also have chocolate...one pound Hershey bars were marked down to $2.75. Um, yes? I'll take three. They will keep in the closet for a while, until the kids need a snack for something or other. I love Hershey's chocolate, mmm. Maybe I'll bring a few to Norway for my girls when I visit.

The struggle is real. Getting back on track is harder than staying on track in the first place, but it was nice to have some treats over Christmas.

Aaron is moving to California, next week...
He loves his little niece Lydia:)

I am going to miss him like crazy. He's taking a temporary travel nurse position, but is giving up his apartment in the city...so I suspect he's never coming back, except to visit. He's always loved the warm weather, and the finer things in life...he will make a good salary out there, and is continuing with his education too. I'm making myself cry now. I don't want him to be a stranger. Life's too short to only see your children once a year or so. Having Ben on the west coast is hard enough. I was never one of those moms who jumped up and down when the child left for kindergarten, nor do I make big plans for their bedrooms when they finally move out, although their younger siblings put dibs on them...there are more bedrooms with less kids in them these days. They have to grow up and function on their own, and so far they have done quite well at this, which is a good thing. But to me, they are always my kids. My soul aches when they don't get promoted or if they get a traffic ticket. I feel bad or them when they're tired or if they have a big tax bill to pay, or even if they drop their phone and shatter the screen.

It's clear I am starting to ramble...it's just that it's so quiet and comfy here in my chair...but off to the store I go...first, I have to extend an invite to the little girls...they like getting out of the house...

and a merry christmas it was....

It was 68 degrees here on Christmas Eve, so Kathryn and I took a walk.




Having Sam home makes it so special.


He loves baby Lydia...she spent the night with us on Christmas Eve, and Mali came home from her 12 hour shift and cuddled with her baby on the couch, on Christmas morning, a very tired Mali. I don't know how she does it. She had to go back to work on Christmas night for another 12 hour shift.


Anyone wanna guess who gained 3 pounds in the last few days? I decided to just go with it...I didn't go crazy, but I did have some cookies. On Christmas Eve morning, I had a temporary leave of my senses, if you can believe me, and made two chocolate pies, and two pumpkin pies. I had to make crusts for quiche anyway...so the kitchen was pretty busy. We made four pounds of bacon, four quiche, pancakes, fresh pineapple, melon, and blueberries, and sausage. And orange juice, which we don't have on a regular basis. Christmas morning, we had lots of cinnamon rolls, then more bacon, leftover quiche, and eggs. I didn't even have a cinnamon roll, but I did have pie on Christmas Eve. With freshly made whipped cream. oh dear, it was good.

But Christmas wasn't all about the food. It was about the people. Having most of the family here under one roof is what makes me happy. I don't get tired of it. These adults who have grown up here, reminiscing about their childhoods and Christmases past...

Part of me hates Christmas. I am an organizationally-challenged mom, and this year I didn't get enough gifts for Evelyn. Emily loved the espresso pot and espresso beans I got her, Kathryn was thrilled with a new iPod, her old one was two years old, and the sound no longer worked...none of my kids have phones until they get jobs and can pay for them, so they use iPods for texting and staying in touch with the big wide world. But anyway, the Christmas hating part: did I buy too much, not enough? I didn't get enough for Aaron, then he came over laden with gifts for the kids...and yummy chocolates for me from Trader Joe's. I always start out with my list, writing down gifts as I get them, but somehow each year I lose track of what I buy for who...and someone ends up getting lots more than the others...Mirielle didn't get much this year either. I think shopping for Secret Santa gifts throws me off, too, but we do that exchange on Christmas Eve...

Anyway, Paul thinks I buy too much, I think I buy too little, but we agree to disagree:)

I got a fitbit type of watch, but it didn't track my sleep last night, unless it was to confirm my worst suspicions: I didn't sleep at all, which is what it feels like this morning, ha. Mali got me a spiral veggie slicer, so my pasta replaced veggies are more authentic. Sam got me dark chocolate coconut cashews and two bags of Starbucks coffee, and a box of chocolates....Em got me a sweater, and two tickets to a showing of the play, "To Kill A Mockingbird".

Jonathan liked his remote controlled helicopter. They got Star Wars Monopoly, and new light sabers, and the girls got a karaoke machine with disco lights. They got baby dolls and clothes. Older kids got earbuds and headphones and coats, gloves, clothes. Kathryn passed her old iPod down, and gave Char her old Surface.

Aaron brought his dog over...Lilly, who is part lab, part demon, ha. She's actually friendly and kind, but she has more energy than the rest of us put together. She was so excited about the presents, she was always in the middle of it, running away with gifts, and shredding up the wrapping paper and cardboard for us. She finally got tired and settled down, but we didn't mind her craziness, she gets along fine with Suri, and is so funny and cute. Duke growled at her when she got up in his grill, but didn't do much more than that.

The after Christmas let-down is here...what do we do now? Not for me so much, I don't get bored. I can putter around and do whatever people need me to do, go here and there, and be fine...but some of the teenagers will need some things to keep them occupied. Maybe Joseph will take them ice skating. Samuel is going shooting this afternoon with some friends, and we might have to go pick up some glasses today. Tomorrow is a basketball game...Paul and some of the older kids are working...isn't Sam nice, home on leave from the Army and working volunteer for church? I will be home with the younger kids, maybe we'll do something fun.

We're narrowing down dates for our trip to Florida. I'm pretty excited to be driving down again, it takes 23 hours to get there, and with a van full of kids...it's extra fun.

Then March, to Norway to see Abigail and Margaret...

See, I don't have time for "complications". This pain in my side, it has to be just a harmless, benign lump of something that can be removed by a magic wand of some sort. I have places to go, kids to raise.

My family simply wouldn't survive without me. Who would know where the tape is? Who would remind Jon to brush his teeth? Who would know we need more kitty litter, dental floss, light bulbs? Who would take the time to listen to dreams and cuddle with the princesses?

I know, I know, don't cross the bridge until you come to it, don't worry about tomorrow.

But these thoughts are real, and they come. My job is to put them in perspective. I truly believe that taken properly, it's a good thing to be so conscious of one's mortality. Walking around weeping and feeling sorry for myself would be fruitless. But our lives are finite, and as much as we would choose the Live To 99 And Die In My Sleep option if we were able to fill out a form..yes, I would check that box. Maybe even Live To 110 And Die Right After The Huge Birthday Party At The Nursing Home choice.
In our society, death is to be avoided at all costs. It's not to be spoken about. It harshes the mellow. Yet it's gonna happen to the best of us. This knowledge isn't a surprise, yet it seems more surprising when one is faced with possible health challenges...we want to dig in our heels and hold on, no, not ME, I don't want to die.

Sorry, don't mean to be such a downer right after Christmas.

I just like my life, enjoy my days, and would like to live under the illusion that they will just go on and on...

And today, I have things to do. God isn't finished with me yet.

a quick merry christmas eve post....

Oh the joy of getting up in the morning and remembering that Samuel is home for Christmas! I slept much better last night. There's not much time for sitting around, I am making quiche, cutting up fruit (cantaloupe, pineapple, kiwi, watermelon), making sausage, bacon, and cinnamon buns. 12 of the kids plus some friends will be here in a few hours, and believe me, I have work to do. I mean, there is a towel hanging on that chair, and a folded one on the arm of the couch, along with a pair of fuzzy socks. There is another sock on the coffee table, along with a few candy wrappers, two grapefruit, two coffee mugs, and Jon's new StarWars cup. The cardboard and the returnable bottles need to be taken out.

We are having a heatwave here in the Northeast, 62 degrees out. Paul is out for a walk, which I rather envy...I have so much to do, but it probably would have done me some good to go for a walk instead of sitting here writing about all I have to do.

Ah well....I will post if I hear anything from the doctor's office. If not, Merry Christmas!