washington state...where do even begin?

This is where I am right now. Well, this is the lobby of the hotel, I am upstairs in my room, blogging. finally. :)

This is me right now. Happy, rested, and a little bit lonely.

Aaron had things to do out and about in downtown Seattle, and I am here at the hotel...having some downtime.

Right about now Miss Anya is probably waking up at home, just a few minutes from here and wondering where Grammy is.
Here is the little princess with my Benjamin and mama Ashley.

I stayed with them until last evening. Aaron arrived, and came to visit too.
Aaron and Ben haven't been together for a YEAR!

We had pizza, and caught up.

Aaron wanted to stay at a nearby hotel for his visit...the hot tub, the pool...and because Aaron works nights, and is awake so late...Benjamin works days, and is in bed by 9 pm, and up in the morning by 4-ish. So, I stayed with Ben and fam for a few days, then moved here with Aaron. You know, hot tub...pool :) We will still spend lots of time with Ben and Ashley though. I miss that little Anya already. She is adorable.

Isn't she adorable? We took a little trip to Ikea. If you want to have some fun, go to an Ikea a few thousand miles away from home, knowing that you absolutely cannot buy anything, because it won't fit in your suitcase. I bought a few chocolate bars, and an umbrella for $1.99. To use while here, it rains a lot in Washington state.

Little sweetie pie. She likes to look at me, she smiles at me and plays games with me. A few times she even handed me something, then played a little game where I gave it back and she gave it to me again. But that's about it. No hugs for Gramma, no cuddles. She is just not there yet. She isn't used to anyone else except for her parents. She is a happy little girl though, all smiles and contentedness. I have decided to just enjoy it for what it is....seeing her.

She is cute, no doubt about it.

Ben and Ashley have just moved to a bigger house. It is very relaxing and homey there.
Baxter the Border Collie loves me. And I love him.

I took this when I first got here on Saturday....

I was like a zombie. I had only slept for two hours Friday night. More accurately, I was in bed for two hours, taking like twenty little naps between falling asleep and waking to check to make sure I hadn't slept through my alarm.

My first flight was uneventful. I had two seats to myself, and actually enjoyed it. Finding my gate in O'Hare airport in Chicago though...dang I was nervous. I thought I only had 35 minutes, but ooops, I forgot about the time change! I had plenty of time! Why was my heart racing and why did I feel so nervous? I couldn't even eat the slice of pumpkin bread I splurged on from Starbucks in the airport. (I saved it though, and shared it with Ben and Ashley later, yum.)

That flight was no fun. I sat between a Russian lady and an Indian boy, who both put their headphones in right away, which screams, "Don't Talk To Me." I am not a headphones person, I had no interest in the one movie that was playing on the overhead screens, and wasn't about to try to blog when I had no place to put my elbows. The boy had really bad breath, and ate an apple and put the core in the pocket of the seat in front of him. The lady was nice enough, but she jostled and bumped me too much. I was really tired. Once I found myself sleeping, sitting up, with my head totally in the boy's space, snoring. blah. I did not like that flight. Over four hours of squish.

But when I landed, and there was Ben waiting for me outside...oh joy! It was just so good to see my oldest son!!!! yay! It was worth it! Then we got to his house, and a huge hug from Ashley, oh it was nice. I knew Anya was shy, so I proceeded slowly with her. I sat right on the floor and played with her toys, she just watched me and smiled. I didn't realize yet how it wouldn't change much from that.

At least she doesn't cry when she sees me. But honestly, I can't help but feel a bit sad that she won't come to me. I want to rock her, read her a story, carry around and tell her about things.

I did try. The second day I was there, I reasoned that perhaps she thought that was just the way it was, and maybe I should try to pick her up a bit. So I scooped her up and she shrieked. I had to leave the room. sniff sniff. Travel, fatigue, hormones, I don't know. I couldn't stop crying. I felt like such an idiot. There was no where to hide, and there I was, sobbing like a baby. All the months of being a Gramma, and I can't even be a Gramma. I had to pull myself together, I couldn't stay in my room all day. It's just the way it is, there is no changing it. I can either enjoy her from afar, or not. My choice. So I choose to enjoy her:)

Oh, and Ben had her last evening...she was smiling at me, and Ben brought her closer. I held my arms out, and she seemed fine, she was almost coming to me...I had her...then she started crying.

In the big scheme of things, it's not so bad. But since this is my blog, allow me to wallow in a few tears, please.

Being a grandparent is a complex thing. You love that child as much as you love your own children. I don't mind that I have no say, that they raise her how they see fit. I respect that. I think they are amazing parents, they love her immensely. I don't want to come in and offer suggestions or give my opinion on anything. I just want to share little Anya.

So I am here in Washington, Paul is in Florida, and the kids are at home, expecting a big snowstorm. I told them to fill some water jugs, and to make sure the snow shovels aren't lying around the yard ready to be buried.

They have been doing well at home. Emily brought them to get a Christmas tree. Abigail had the little girls over for dinner, then Emily cooked dinner for them all on Sunday. Joseph is bringing the five homeschoolers ice skating today. They are fine. I talked to Camille three times yesterday.

I am drinking my coffee, and am planning to go down and take a nice swim in the pool. When Aaron gets back, we will go back over to Ben and Ashley's place and visit, and see little sweetie. Tomorrow is Aaron's birthday, so we might go out to dinner somewhere.