six years later, it still hurts....

It fell on a Friday six years ago too...the day my brother took his own life. It was a warmer day, that day, with spring already starting. Paul and I were out and about buying flooring for the living room, blissfully unaware that my brother was preparing to shoot himself. I miss him, and sometimes momentarily forget that he's gone, then remember again. The pain has dulled, but it will never go away. Nor will the guilt (how could I not know?!! What did I miss? I should have known. He seemed fine.)

Life goes on, and that doesn't seem fair either. But it does.

I don't want to spend the day being sad. It is my sweet niece's birthday today...Olivia, the cousin who is here at least a few days a week. My brother lived there, shared land with my brother, and it was there that he died, out by the pond, on her birthday. Her cake sat there in the house...a nine year old girl's birthday forgotten in the midst of the police cars and ambulance...her own daddy in shock, he had found his brother. It was too much for a little girl. Too much for all of us. Her family has worked hard to make her birthdays good days, since then. To try to make some good memories that can somehow displace that unbearable day. Because the kids all loved their Uncle Billy. It was just too much, that day.

Of course suicide is one of those things people don't talk about in our society. It's right up there with miscarriages, the things that make people too uncomfortable to discuss. Cancer, heart attack, house burned down, car totaled...you can talk about those things.

Anyway. I miss Billy, and I won't wallow in sadness today. He wouldn't like it.

I am feeling compelled to renovate some things around here. I am not a do-it-yourselfer though, I am an IDEA person, and want someone else to do it. And believe me, I have ideas. And here's where the fun part comes in: I think I have to do it myself. My wise daughter Mirielle told me a few months back that if Dad is going to be gone all the time, then I have to step up and just do things myself.

So here's my grand plan: I want to paint my kitchen cabinets. We built our house in 1990-1991...and those oak cabinets were all the rage. This is no small project, I need to remove all the doors and sand them, remove the handle/pulls, prime them, paint them....paint the edges of the cabinets....

And: I want to refinish my countertops. I have been scouring posts and videos about DYI fake granite...using primer, paint, and polyurethane. I'm thinking to try it out on my bathroom counter first and if it goes well, then I'll take the plunge in the kitchen.

This is all very ambitious for yours truly, who feels accomplished when using a drill to put up mini blinds.

So I think I might mosey out to Lowe's today and just take a look-see...and maybe get some supplies. I have always thought that when I feel strongly compelled to do something, I should just do it...before I decide meh, it's fine like it is.

Tomorrow, Monster Truck Jam!!! I am working there at concessions, not attending as a spectator. It's loud, but pretty cool. They truck in tons of dirt, and our basketball court/football field/lacrosse field is transformed into a dirt pit. This year is supposed to be new and improved and even more impressive. I offered to take Jon, but he declined, said the one minute videos we send from our phones will be fine. I think he just doesn't like loud noises much.

Anyway, Paul leaves for France again tomorrow, for a week.