today is Wednesday....

...and I'll cry if I want to.  :). This fine day, I have a tooth infection.  It's a molar that needs to be pulled, and it's not a new story.  The dentist gave me antibiotics a few years back, it cleared it up, he said I could ruminate on the tooth, it wasn't an emergency to pull it since the antibiotics worked so well.  I have had no issues with it for almost two years, then this week...it flared up again.  So, I called the dentist and wrangled a script for amoxicillin, which does NOT agree with my tummy.  So I ordered some probiotics from Amazon, which should come tomorrow.  See, I have an exciting life!  (I'm telling you, one single dose and I was running down the hall, TMI!)

Okay.  not running.  limping.

I went to PT today.  It was a very snowy day, so I wimped out on going to the pool.  I would have had to drive myself, park the car, hobble across the parking lot, then up the big sidewalk...and when it's snowy and icy, well, nope.  Sometimes it's impossible to get a good parking spot too.

So I stayed home, then went to PT.  It was the usual, I measured right around 120, which if fine, the leg is straight, I did all the exercises, and walked all around without the cane.  Now, this is what I was absolutely dreaming of a few months ago, remember?  It's wobbly and not smooth at all, and sometimes that new knee just give out a little, and the old knee stiffens up and creaks, but...I can do it.  I need to practice practice practice, and keep doing my exercises.  And:  be thankful!!!!  I hate that streak of pessimism!  The glass shall be half full, and stay that way!  It shall runneth over!  I am where I am!  

I vacuumed today.  Now, that may not seem like much.  But it IS much.  Not too long ago, I was all tangled up with the walker and the cord, and had to vacuum in like three small sessions.  Today, I did part of it without using the cane!  It's still more challenging than it used to be, but I can do it.  Enough with the dissatisfaction, right?  

There was also laundry today, two loads...I washed some dishes, made dinner:  pulled pork nachos.  I helped Camille make the vanilla cake.  Well, she did all the work...it looks lovely, and is in the freezer.  We will frost it/decorate it sometime for Sunday's baby shower for Jonathan and his wife Rosi. They are having a baby girl in the beginning of April, grandchild #19!   I'm also going to make some mini brownie bites, which we'll decorate prettily.  

Miss Char did an order pick up for me today, after her classes.  It's so super easy!  Now we have stew beef, and burger, and mini M&M's. Crackers and cheese and chips and dip and mini peppers and mini carrots, for the shower Sunday.  

Yesterday, Molly came over with little Denzel, who is two and a half.  He had a lot of fun dumping out all the toys and eating a few treats from the candy dishes.  I didn't even think to take pictures!  He is SO cute.  Then Kathryn came in with Achilles, Rhys, Jamie, Ellis.  How lucky am I?

Ah well.  You have a nice evening!!!

  

 

harrumph!

Well.  I finally went to Target today, after more than three months.  It was a lot of walking, and my new knee didn't love it.  It only buckled twice, and I didn't fall, but it takes the confidence away.  I was walking pushing the cart, aka holding on for dear life.  No, I can stand without holding on to anything, and take a step or two, but I was leaning on the cart.  Anyway.  It's a long way around the outside of Target, I didn't go down too many aisles.  I bought one pair of sweatpants marked down to nine dollars, a bra for Miss Char, a phone case for one of the girls, a bag of mozzarella and parmesan cheese.  That's it.  

I took the girls to Chik-fil-a, through the drive through, then to Aldi.  They ran in, I was out of steam.  On the way home, I vented my frustrations a bit:  I didn't do as well as I had hoped I would.  It was tiring, and I didn't trust my surgical leg.  I went all out, said I feel like a failure, and like I'm not doing enough.  Well.  They straightened me out, thankfully.  When I stop to count my blessings, I know I'm doing better.  I can walk with a cane.  It's not great, and I'm not going long distances, but I can do it.  I can walk up and down stairs, if there is a railing and I have the cane.  I can go on the stair stepper and on the exercise bike. and can squat down much better than I could pre surgery, although my "old' knee protests.  I'm sleeping better, and I'm not having too much pain.  Not too long ago, I thought these things would never happen.  So it is better. 

When I think about the weeks on the walker, when I was totally dependent on Paul, Cheryl was also walking with a walker and totally dependent on Bill.  She never fully recovered her strength after her first fall in September, so we were on our walkers at around the same time.  We had some laughs about how it is to have to ask for help, and to be thankful to them when you don't always feel thankful, because no one does things the way you would do it.  There were conversations about not being able to take even one step without those contraptions, we were kind of in the same boat.  I knew deep inside that it was much different, because it didn't seem very hopeful that she would get stronger, and that made me feel really bad.   She was a very good example in not complaining about things too.  :)

This was also the first time I put my Levi's on in over three months!

Miss Cam and Miss Char...

I wrote that yesterday, and this fine morning:  I had my morning coffee after using the little peddler a bit, then got on the exercise bike and loosened up, then on with the sneakers and down the stairs to the stair stepper.  I made myself stay on for five AND A HALF minutes!  That extra 30 seconds, well, it's not so pleasant.  But progress, right?

Then, I moseyed on up for a second cup of coffee...and here I am.  Molly is coming for a little visit with Denzel, and Kathryn might come over with Achilles, Rhys, Jamie, and Ellis.  Char just left for college, in the snow, and Cam is doing work at her desk in her room.  

Last night, I had a wicked call-my-sister moment.  I had things to tell her, still subconsciously racking them up!  I used to have a time in the afternoon that I though of as call Cheryl 0'clock.  She had a terrible sleep schedule, she couldn't sleep at night, and got her few hours in the morning, but at two or so, it would be a good time to call her.  We didn't talk every day, but dang it, every day around that time I thought of it, of calling her, or she would call me...sometimes I would have the kids here or be in a store, she would sometimes be busy too...we would usually text first, "Are you home?"  

They say you live and learn, and my goodness, if we lived until we were like 300, we would have so much wisdom.  It's useless to have regrets when someone dies, but of course those thoughts sneak in:  that last time we were together, why didn't I go talk to her sooner, stay longer?  Why didn't I visit her more?  The last few months she was really doing poorly, I was not so mobile yet, so I don't think I could have done much more, but...you know.  Now it seems like a whirlwind, the times we had together.  We know life is short, and people don't live forever, but we don't REALLY know it.  

When she first told me that her cancer was back, and we knew it was terminal, I refused to think about it.  Because how could I live without her?  The first time she got really sick in September, she came back...she was not back to strength physically, but she was fully herself mentally, and was as funny and lively as ever, yet more serious about being thankful for everything.  So I think this past time she was hospitalized, in January, I thought we had more time with her...she would get better, and we would talk, and she would have more time.  

I kind of knew this wasn't really the case.  I saw her pallor, and hands shaking and her weakness, in December at one of our Christmas celebrations.  I didn't want to know, but I knew.  She had no appetite, and felt awful, yet she was still so happy to be with her friends and family.  Then she got sick again, and confused, and her clarity never returned, 100%...I thought it would.  I didn't know that my last conversation at the end of December would be our last real conversation.

I'm okay, but I'm not okay.  I cry at the drop of a pin, and yet, I am full of thankfulness.  God has been so good and merciful, and the promises we have cannot be compared to the sufferings we endure.  But I miss her immensely.  I have not even processed this part yet, this life that goes on without her...it does make me want to just be good to my kids and grandkids and to Paul and not let any bitterness seep in, to keep my thoughts pure, and be faithful in the hidden, to use my time in a good way, and be an example.  

Sorry!  I didn't mean to write a downer.  She wouldn't want us to be sad!  Oh, knock it off!, she'd say!  Don't waste tissues, those are expensive!   

You all have a very nice Tuesday, and thank you for being my friends.  :). 
 

it's never easy...

 We had calling hours, and a celebration of life for my sister.  It's not easy, I cannot even fathom the days ahead. Yet knowing she is done with her suffering and is in that great cloud of witnesses is a comfort.

Her seven daughters read parts of her eulogy, here is some of it:

You may not be able to decipher it, oops.  

We heard from so many who were genuinely touched by Cheryl's friendship and the living example she was of faithfulness.  

This is how I will remember us!  :)

It was a frigidly cold weekend, hovering around or below zero.  We had a gathering here after the calling hours on Friday night, Emily brought a Wegman's cake and lots of good snacks, and we talked about Cheryl.  We were exceptionally close, even more so in the earlier years of parenting, we went on all our adventures together.  My older kids especially thought of her as a second mother.  It did my heart good to hear their tales, and we had some really good therapeutic laughs too, which Cheryl would wholeheartedly approve of.

Saturday was an exhausting day, yet a wonderful day.  Cheryl's girls and their husbands were all there, even Claire from Australia.  There were around 200 of us at the celebration of life feast, and we had a nice meal catered from one of her favorite restaurants, along with salads made by Nate and Emily, and some others.  Dessert HAD to be donuts, which Sonja went and picked up in the horrible snowy weather (the wind was blowing something fierce, and the roads were just snow covered, the plows didn't help much, and salt didn't work in the freezing temps).  There was also cheesecake, which was one of her faves.  

Sunday was a freezing cold quiet day, started out at negative two, and only went up to seven.  We stayed home and Camille made this: 

We made pulled pork nachos too, and had some girls over to watch the game.  They had chicken wing dip and cannoli dip (thank you Ashley!!!), and some other dips and snacks and lots of good drinks.  Yes, we watched Bad Bunny, and meh, it wasn't anything to write home about, but it wasn't really bad, in my non-partisan opinion.  I hate the great divide, to tell the truth.  Taking sides and bashing, I'm done with it.  The world is a train wreck in so many aspects, speeding toward's it's demise, but God's promises are rock solid, and we have such a hope if we lift our vision.  People in politics are just people, and people, by nature, are corruptible, honor seeking, stepping on each other to rise up.  They're greedy for all the things that are temporary.  

Then there's Orange Guy.  He doesn't worry about a thing, he just enjoys life.

Brrr!

Sonja and baby Kaia spent the weekend with us!  Waking up and having baby time was golden.

She's so funny!  She loved the buttons on my sweater.  :)

Ah well.  This fine morning, I got on the exercise bike for a few minutes, just to loosen up, then I put my sneakers on and went down to Camille's room for five minutes on the stair stepper.  I did it yesterday too.  It's a measly five minutes, but I'd rather be doing it steadily every day for a small amount of time and build up, then do too long...oh, I have good excuses ha.  

This fine day it's freezing out, but it's 12! (-11.11c), and sunny, so it is a good day!  So....guess what I'm doing today?  I'm going to Target!  I have not been there in over three months!  Charlotte Claire will drive, Cam and I will passenger, and hopefully I'll make it partway across the store!  I need to get out, I need to build endurance!  My walking is still very dismal!  

You all have a very good Monday, and thank you all for your comments on here, it's so special to me. :)

oh ho I would be in jail!

If I lived in the U.K....I just read that they arrest people for controversial social media posts.   12,000 people last year.  Can you imagine having the police knock at your door for that?  If you hurt someone's feelings, or post something satirical, or criticize the government...ugh.  

In other news:  I drove today!  Ha, the first time in three months!  I want to get back to the pool, so Paul put up a railing on the front steps so I can theoretically get out of the house on my own.  The sidewalk can be holy-heck-ers, so he has snow blown a big chunk of the front yard, and pulls in pick me up. (how nice is that?:). Anyway.  Today we went to physical therapy, and I drove home!  

PT today:  the usual usual, but I told them I was going to be down to once a week, which they totally understand, because it's like ninety bucks a session, with the new year and new deductible.  But, I have my instructions:  get to the pool.  Walk, walk backwards, stand on one leg, just get into that pool...he wants me to go twice before I go back to my next PT.  

So, tomorrow morning...if all goes well...I will venture to that pool.

And, now it is tomorrow morning.  And:  I did go to the pool!  I WENT TO THE POOL!!!!  Remember when I thought I'd be able to get back to it in three weeks?  And it's actually been three months?  Paul was going to the gym, so he dropped me off at the sidewalk, but let me tell you about this sidewalk:  it is very long.  It was nice and clear of snow and ice, but it is a long walk.  I hobbled slowly in the 12 degree weather.  Into the locker room, put my stuff away, took off my outer clothes as I had my suit on, and hobbled into the pool room.  This pool has a handicapped ramp, which is wonderful, but it is on the exact opposite corner of the room.  You come out of the locker room, and have to walk to the far corner to access it.  Hobble hobble hobble.  Plus, it was wet and slippery.  (Paul suggested water shoes, which I might get).  Down the ramp, and ahh, the water was warm!  I didn't do much, didn't really swim, just walked back and forth, lifted my leg, stood on one leg, reveled in being in the water.  Truthfully, my new knee feels janky and cranky and mechanical in the water, but everything else felt lovely.  Then up the ramp, across the pool area...I stopped to talk to the lifeguard.  Don't feel sorry for me,  I said.  I'm not in pain, just going slowly so I don't fall.  I'm doing much better than I was even a few weeks ago, and I'm so glad to be back.   

It was nice to see the swim class ladies, they are all so nice and kind. I saw the lady who had her replacement a mere two weeks before mine, she's been back to class for over a month now, and she walks like I do in my dreams. She is ever so kind, and I'm glad for her.   I went before the class, and was getting back into the locker room to leave, when they were all coming in before the start.  Maybe next week I'll join the class, I don't know.  But I need to go again, before PT on Wednesday. 

I wish I could say it was a piece of cake and I can't wait to do it again.  What I can say is:  I'm glad I went, but it was very challenging, and slow going, and I felt like an old lady.  I feel like I've run a marathon.  But, if I'm going to get back in shape to be able to prance around Costco again, I need to do these things.  And, four weeks from now I'll be in Norway!  So I NEED to move it-move it!  

Today is the day of the calling hours for my sister.  What can I say about this?  Yesterday I was ready to tell her about going to the pool, not so many years ago, she would have been going with me.  My heart just aches, and I can't believe she's really gone.  After we go to the funeral home, we'll come back here and some of the kids will come over.  Then there are services tomorrow morning, then a church feast in the afternoon, which will be extremely good, with friends from all over coming.    

Ah well.  Time to get moving.  It's rather good I can't sit for too long without the knee starting to ache, it makes me get up and get going.   You have a lovely day.  

 

today....

 ...is a gift.  I stayed home, which is what I do these days, and vacuumed.  I washed some dishes, wiped down the table and some counters, and put the dining room tables back where they belong, after being rearranged for dinner on Sunday.  It all sounds so busy, but believe me, I did it in fits and starts.  I cannot sit for very long before my knee aches, so I get up and do some things.  Then I need to sit down, and on it goes.  

This post was written yesterday.  I was going to change the title, but today is also "today".  I was also going to change the title to "I can't."  I keep finding myself saying that.  For example, on Friday evening, there are calling hours for my sister.  I can't.  I have opened my house for my siblings to visit, as well as my kids, and I almost texted Cheryl about the usual:  the dread of having to clean...then I remembered, and I said, I can't.  I went into Camille's room today to use the stair stepper. 

I wanted to tell Cheryl.  

I browsed Marketplace, and there was a Little Tikes mansion dollhouse for free.  I wanted to send it to Cheryl.  Evelyn and Nate bought some chocolate coconut almonds from Trader Joe's for me, I wanted to tell Cheryl about them.  I walked across the living room and back without my cane.  Charlotte Claire got 100% on her college quizzes, and dissected a fetal pig.  Vacuuming is easier with the cane than with the walker.  so. many. things.  all, day, long.  

I can't even write this.  I can't.  Life without Cheryl seems like a big joke.  Life WITH Cheryl was sometimes also a big joke ha, but.  The laughing and crying seem to be all mixed together.  She was so funny.  

The thought of this whole weekend is heartbreaking.  Her girls, her grandchildren (29!), Bill.  I know she is in a better place, and that she fought the fight of faith.  And I know that when we get together and remember her life and her faith, we will be strengthened and encouraged. 

 One of her favorite songs:

Just think though to actually and truly have that mindset:  "let come what may, upon my way, I'll give my life each day."   This is knowing full well that God sends all things for my very best. 

Ah well.  Time to get up and get moving again...you all have a good day!

pictures....

My sister Cheryl and her husband Bill...

Me, with Cheryl

Our older brother Bob, Cheryl and I...

2019, on the beach at the fjord in Norway...

I'm guessing this was Halloween?  

Out to lunch for her birthday a few years back...

This past summer, she made it up to the beach while we were camping!

It was unbelievable!  I was so happy to have her there!  We camped there by ourselves with like 18 of our kids, years ago...our husbands had to work, so they set us up, and we camped with the kids!  (With my 16 and her 7, we were busy...I didn't have all of mine yet then though!). 

This was taken in the fall, this past year, Cheryl and Bill and their seven daughters.   (Thank you for the pictures, girls! :))

I didn't go to PT today.  I had a headache.  One of those headaches that pound when you do anything, then settle a little when you settle a little.  I rode the bike, and the little peddler, and did some other exercises, and it wasn't fun.  So I canceled PT.  I am a bit of a wreck anyway.  Not in the deep depths of despair, but rather sad.   I'm still very unsteady on my feet, but you know what?  I can take some steps unassisted!  This was unheard of just weeks ago!  Two weeks ago, I stopped using the walker, and could barely survive using the cane!  I'm not 100% yet, but it's getting better: 

Of course I lost my balance while Char was taking the video, but I didn't want to retake it because she was doing homework, and I was just done doing dishes and wanted to sit down.  Wobbly, but hopeful, that's me.  

Thank you, everyone for all your kind words.  It really warms my heart.  You have a good night!

 

heaven gained a good one...

 ...my dear sister has gone home to her Lord and savior, has finished her race here.  I was blessed and honored to be there while she passed.  On Wednesday, she was supposed to go to the cancer doctor to try a different med to stop tumor growth, but it wasn't to be.  She was too sick, and hospice care was recommended.  I visited with her, she knew me, and after I said goodbye, she called out "Del!", and I went back to talk with her.  That's when I told her I love her and she said she loved me too.

On Thursday, I didn't make it over to see her, Emily was there with her in the evening and said she was more comfortable, she had a new hospital type bed, and was less agitated.

Friday, I got up and made another batch of cookies, and brought them over.  Cheryl knew I was there, but wasn't really speaking anymore.   She was a bit uncomfortable, and the hospice nurse came to check her over, and she got a dose of medicine, then settled down.  Our siblings came to see her, and some of my older kids, and five of her daughters were there, with a few of her older grandkids, and a few of the babies.  It was getting late, and I was going home with three of my daughters.  I went to Cheryl, and held her hand, and told her goodbye, I had to go, and she knew me, she heard me.  She couldn't speak, but she knew me.   I got my shoes on, then was called back in...something was happening....her breathing had slowed down.  We started to sing, "Oh my God, my Jesus, my heart does long for thee...and that home so fair, that thou dost for me prepare...", and her breathing stopped.  It was very peaceful.  One by one we started to pray and thank God for such a good mother, sister, wife, friend....we thanked God for giving her to us, and for taking her for eternity so mercifully.  

It was the absolute saddest thing ever.  But also so good, if that makes any sense.   It was so much better than if her husband was there alone with her.  Emily came over and confirmed that she was gone, before hospice was called.  It was deeply moving and sad, and I feel all hollowed out, my best friend in the whole world has passed on.   I came home, took a shower and went to bed, and could not get warm for hours.  I think I was in shock.  When I woke up, I cried and cried and cried.  I cried because I don't want to live out my days without her.  I know she's in a better place.  But it still hurts like crazy.

Kathryn came over today, and brought flowers and chocolate covered almonds, and popcorn.  Achilles, who is six years old, explained it to me:  It's because you're sad, because your sister is dead, and when you die, we won't see you ever again.  (honestly, kids are quite refreshing!).  Sonja came over with baby Kaia, and we had a good day.  I made beef stew and mashed red skinned potatoes.  Char and Cam were here too.  Then five of Cheryl's girls, my nieces of course, came over so we could try to put together a eulogy.  

Countless times already today I've chalked up something to tell her, then had the punch-in-the-gut remembrance that I won't be telling her.  It hurts my heart to see her girls so bereft.  They were so very close, she was their best friend as well as their mother.  

I can't write any more tonight...thank you all for kind words and prayers....

(This was last September for her birthday, Cheryl and I....)