oh ho I would be in jail!

If I lived in the U.K....I just read that they arrest people for controversial social media posts.   12,000 people last year.  Can you imagine having the police knock at your door for that?  If you hurt someone's feelings, or post something satirical, or criticize the government...ugh.  

In other news:  I drove today!  Ha, the first time in three months!  I want to get back to the pool, so Paul put up a railing on the front steps so I can theoretically get out of the house on my own.  The sidewalk can be holy-heck-ers, so he has snow blown a big chunk of the front yard, and pulls in pick me up. (how nice is that?:). Anyway.  Today we went to physical therapy, and I drove home!  

PT today:  the usual usual, but I told them I was going to be down to once a week, which they totally understand, because it's like ninety bucks a session, with the new year and new deductible.  But, I have my instructions:  get to the pool.  Walk, walk backwards, stand on one leg, just get into that pool...he wants me to go twice before I go back to my next PT.  

So, tomorrow morning...if all goes well...I will venture to that pool.

And, now it is tomorrow morning.  And:  I did go to the pool!  I WENT TO THE POOL!!!!  Remember when I thought I'd be able to get back to it in three weeks?  And it's actually been three months?  Paul was going to the gym, so he dropped me off at the sidewalk, but let me tell you about this sidewalk:  it is very long.  It was nice and clear of snow and ice, but it is a long walk.  I hobbled slowly in the 12 degree weather.  Into the locker room, put my stuff away, took off my outer clothes as I had my suit on, and hobbled into the pool room.  This pool has a handicapped ramp, which is wonderful, but it is on the exact opposite corner of the room.  You come out of the locker room, and have to walk to the far corner to access it.  Hobble hobble hobble.  Plus, it was wet and slippery.  (Paul suggested water shoes, which I might get).  Down the ramp, and ahh, the water was warm!  I didn't do much, didn't really swim, just walked back and forth, lifted my leg, stood on one leg, reveled in being in the water.  Truthfully, my new knee feels janky and cranky and mechanical in the water, but everything else felt lovely.  Then up the ramp, across the pool area...I stopped to talk to the lifeguard.  Don't feel sorry for me,  I said.  I'm not in pain, just going slowly so I don't fall.  I'm doing much better than I was even a few weeks ago, and I'm so glad to be back.   

It was nice to see the swim class ladies, they are all so nice and kind. I saw the lady who had her replacement a mere two weeks before mine, she's been back to class for over a month now, and she walks like I do in my dreams. She is ever so kind, and I'm glad for her.   I went before the class, and was getting back into the locker room to leave, when they were all coming in before the start.  Maybe next week I'll join the class, I don't know.  But I need to go again, before PT on Wednesday. 

I wish I could say it was a piece of cake and I can't wait to do it again.  What I can say is:  I'm glad I went, but it was very challenging, and slow going, and I felt like an old lady.  I feel like I've run a marathon.  But, if I'm going to get back in shape to be able to prance around Costco again, I need to do these things.  And, four weeks from now I'll be in Norway!  So I NEED to move it-move it!  

Today is the day of the calling hours for my sister.  What can I say about this?  Yesterday I was ready to tell her about going to the pool, not so many years ago, she would have been going with me.  My heart just aches, and I can't believe she's really gone.  After we go to the funeral home, we'll come back here and some of the kids will come over.  Then there are services tomorrow morning, then a church feast in the afternoon, which will be extremely good, with friends from all over coming.    

Ah well.  Time to get moving.  It's rather good I can't sit for too long without the knee starting to ache, it makes me get up and get going.   You have a lovely day.  

 

today....

 ...is a gift.  I stayed home, which is what I do these days, and vacuumed.  I washed some dishes, wiped down the table and some counters, and put the dining room tables back where they belong, after being rearranged for dinner on Sunday.  It all sounds so busy, but believe me, I did it in fits and starts.  I cannot sit for very long before my knee aches, so I get up and do some things.  Then I need to sit down, and on it goes.  

This post was written yesterday.  I was going to change the title, but today is also "today".  I was also going to change the title to "I can't."  I keep finding myself saying that.  For example, on Friday evening, there are calling hours for my sister.  I can't.  I have opened my house for my siblings to visit, as well as my kids, and I almost texted Cheryl about the usual:  the dread of having to clean...then I remembered, and I said, I can't.  I went into Camille's room today to use the stair stepper. 

I wanted to tell Cheryl.  

I browsed Marketplace, and there was a Little Tikes mansion dollhouse for free.  I wanted to send it to Cheryl.  Evelyn and Nate bought some chocolate coconut almonds from Trader Joe's for me, I wanted to tell Cheryl about them.  I walked across the living room and back without my cane.  Charlotte Claire got 100% on her college quizzes, and dissected a fetal pig.  Vacuuming is easier with the cane than with the walker.  so. many. things.  all, day, long.  

I can't even write this.  I can't.  Life without Cheryl seems like a big joke.  Life WITH Cheryl was sometimes also a big joke ha, but.  The laughing and crying seem to be all mixed together.  She was so funny.  

The thought of this whole weekend is heartbreaking.  Her girls, her grandchildren (29!), Bill.  I know she is in a better place, and that she fought the fight of faith.  And I know that when we get together and remember her life and her faith, we will be strengthened and encouraged. 

 One of her favorite songs:

Just think though to actually and truly have that mindset:  "let come what may, upon my way, I'll give my life each day."   This is knowing full well that God sends all things for my very best. 

Ah well.  Time to get up and get moving again...you all have a good day!

pictures....

My sister Cheryl and her husband Bill...

Me, with Cheryl

Our older brother Bob, Cheryl and I...

2019, on the beach at the fjord in Norway...

I'm guessing this was Halloween?  

Out to lunch for her birthday a few years back...

This past summer, she made it up to the beach while we were camping!

It was unbelievable!  I was so happy to have her there!  We camped there by ourselves with like 18 of our kids, years ago...our husbands had to work, so they set us up, and we camped with the kids!  (With my 16 and her 7, we were busy...I didn't have all of mine yet then though!). 

This was taken in the fall, this past year, Cheryl and Bill and their seven daughters.   (Thank you for the pictures, girls! :))

I didn't go to PT today.  I had a headache.  One of those headaches that pound when you do anything, then settle a little when you settle a little.  I rode the bike, and the little peddler, and did some other exercises, and it wasn't fun.  So I canceled PT.  I am a bit of a wreck anyway.  Not in the deep depths of despair, but rather sad.   I'm still very unsteady on my feet, but you know what?  I can take some steps unassisted!  This was unheard of just weeks ago!  Two weeks ago, I stopped using the walker, and could barely survive using the cane!  I'm not 100% yet, but it's getting better: 

Of course I lost my balance while Char was taking the video, but I didn't want to retake it because she was doing homework, and I was just done doing dishes and wanted to sit down.  Wobbly, but hopeful, that's me.  

Thank you, everyone for all your kind words.  It really warms my heart.  You have a good night!

 

heaven gained a good one...

 ...my dear sister has gone home to her Lord and savior, has finished her race here.  I was blessed and honored to be there while she passed.  On Wednesday, she was supposed to go to the cancer doctor to try a different med to stop tumor growth, but it wasn't to be.  She was too sick, and hospice care was recommended.  I visited with her, she knew me, and after I said goodbye, she called out "Del!", and I went back to talk with her.  That's when I told her I love her and she said she loved me too.

On Thursday, I didn't make it over to see her, Emily was there with her in the evening and said she was more comfortable, she had a new hospital type bed, and was less agitated.

Friday, I got up and made another batch of cookies, and brought them over.  Cheryl knew I was there, but wasn't really speaking anymore.   She was a bit uncomfortable, and the hospice nurse came to check her over, and she got a dose of medicine, then settled down.  Our siblings came to see her, and some of my older kids, and five of her daughters were there, with a few of her older grandkids, and a few of the babies.  It was getting late, and I was going home with three of my daughters.  I went to Cheryl, and held her hand, and told her goodbye, I had to go, and she knew me, she heard me.  She couldn't speak, but she knew me.   I got my shoes on, then was called back in...something was happening....her breathing had slowed down.  We started to sing, "Oh my God, my Jesus, my heart does long for thee...and that home so fair, that thou dost for me prepare...", and her breathing stopped.  It was very peaceful.  One by one we started to pray and thank God for such a good mother, sister, wife, friend....we thanked God for giving her to us, and for taking her for eternity so mercifully.  

It was the absolute saddest thing ever.  But also so good, if that makes any sense.   It was so much better than if her husband was there alone with her.  Emily came over and confirmed that she was gone, before hospice was called.  It was deeply moving and sad, and I feel all hollowed out, my best friend in the whole world has passed on.   I came home, took a shower and went to bed, and could not get warm for hours.  I think I was in shock.  When I woke up, I cried and cried and cried.  I cried because I don't want to live out my days without her.  I know she's in a better place.  But it still hurts like crazy.

Kathryn came over today, and brought flowers and chocolate covered almonds, and popcorn.  Achilles, who is six years old, explained it to me:  It's because you're sad, because your sister is dead, and when you die, we won't see you ever again.  (honestly, kids are quite refreshing!).  Sonja came over with baby Kaia, and we had a good day.  I made beef stew and mashed red skinned potatoes.  Char and Cam were here too.  Then five of Cheryl's girls, my nieces of course, came over so we could try to put together a eulogy.  

Countless times already today I've chalked up something to tell her, then had the punch-in-the-gut remembrance that I won't be telling her.  It hurts my heart to see her girls so bereft.  They were so very close, she was their best friend as well as their mother.  

I can't write any more tonight...thank you all for kind words and prayers....

(This was last September for her birthday, Cheryl and I....)

more and more cold and snow...

 There is a small city north of us, right on the bottom corner of Lake Ontario, and this small city got an additional 1-2 feet of snow last night.  You would never believe they were shoveled out yesterday, by the looks of things today.  New York state has declared the city a state of emergency, the kids have missed four days of school this week.  We have only had four inches or so last night and today, but it is cold.  brrr.

This fine morning, I made myself go downstairs and go on the stair stepper.  I went on the exercise bike, and did some other random mundane exercises.  My goal:  to build endurance, and of course to walk again like a normal person.  This can only be accomplished by just doing it, Nike had it right with that slogan.  If I waited around until I felt like it, um, well.  Having the goal of going to Norway is fire for me, fire lit right under my lazy bum.  

I managed to vacuum today, although shh, I did it in two shifts.  Endurance doesn't happen instantaneously.  Nothing does, with me.  I still didn't put the vacuum away...oops.  

This has been a tired day.  Getting up in the night to use the bathroom, then getting back in bed, getting comfy, and waiting for sleep to return...thinking about Cheryl, praying for her, doing some crying, which I somehow do in the middle of the night...then I finally chilled out and felt sleep sneaking up on me, and Sunny started whining.  She wouldn't stop, it was clear she wanted to go outside, so I pulled back the warm covers, and into the cold air, down the hallway, to let her out.  ugh.  I had been awake for almost two hours by this time, so when I finally settled in and went back to sleep, I decided that I was going to sleep in.  Paul got up early and started work, I went back to sleep until 8:30...:)

oh, the trials, ha.  (all those years of getting up with babies, I do feel for the young mamas...)

Anyway.  Camille is going to make chicken curry for dinner, and jasmine rice.  

Orange Guy being insolent and disrespectful to his mother...

It's snowing again.  I will be glad to see spring this year.  I'm thinking of that feeling of sun on my skin.  But every thought I think, I think about my sister.  Our main phone calls in the last several years were when one of us called the other and asked, "Are you sitting in the sun?"  God numbers our days, and has count of the very hairs of our heads, but we love so fiercely and so deeply, we connect with each other and enjoy our times and conversations and outings and adventures, it's no wonder our hearts are just broken when those things come to an end.  I honestly feel as I cannot live without her.  I simply cannot fathom it.  I know it's not all about me, but this is how I feel.  She has started some meds that have helped her relax more, which is a blessing.  I am hoping to get there again tomorrow to see her.  

Thank you for kind thoughts and prayers for Cheryl.  Have a really good evening.  

is that blue sky?

 

We got so much more snow last night!  I don't know how I'm going to manage getting down the sidewalk to the car to go to PT, but it won't help worrying about it.  But shh, tell my body that.  ugh.

I'd like to say I'm glad to be getting out of the house, ha.  I would also like to say I am making progress by leaps and bounds, but more like inches and hopes.  I won't be publishing this post until after PT, because I'm sure you'll all want a run down of how it goes.  

Remembering the feeling of when I absolutely first tried to take steps without the walker, and how it is now, yes, there is progress.  When I stand up and look at the large expanse of flooring I need to navigate to get to the hallway, I still hesitate, get my bearings, say a prayer, and start in.  Sometimes my left foot drags along, sometimes I get some good steps, but I still rely heavily on the cane.  I can stand on my feet without support and swivel around and get things, but to take actual steps, I need it still.  

Anyway.  Sonja was here yesterday with baby Kaia, and I got to hold her a few times.  She is a strong baby, and not easy to get to sleep, as she is so aware and interested in everything.  She is funny and the way she just scans over everything she sees, like she's taking inventory...she is also scooching and rolling over.    

This is Maeve, playing outside...they live near Lake Ontario, so they got a bit of snow!  

Auntie Camille and baby Kaia...it was just yesterday Cam was a baby like that...

Now it is evening, and I've been to P.T.  (The sidewalk was nice and clear, thanks to Paul, but it was still hard to navigate! ) I walked in, and Steve the therapist looked at me with utter disapproval. I was dragging and limping and hopping... Let's do something different today, he said.  So.  He had me walk without the cane, with a belt thing that he could hold onto, as he walked behind me and said things like lift those knees up higher!  Take big steps, you won't fall!  Walk faster!  Stay in the middle of the hallway!  Don't swing your arms, just walk!  It really worked.  I was able to walk.  Full disclosure:  my knee did buckle a few random times, but I didn't fall.  He said it just happens, and I can catch myself.  He gave the cane back, and had me walk taking bigger steps and doing heel to toe, and it was much better.  

I did all the regular exercises, and a new one, which was kind of hilarious, something out of my bad dreams:  a low reclining board like the leg press, but lower...where you push against your foot, using your body weight.  Getting on and off it were a middle aged fat lady's nightmare.  The sad part though was that I couldn't wait to tell Cheryl.  

We went to visit Cheryl after PT.  Paul snow blowed their driveway while I visited.  Cheryl isn't doing so well, but when I held her hands and told her I love her, she said, I love you too.  Then I told her she was my favorite person in the whole world, and she said something I couldn't understand.  She has some confusion, due to medical issues.  My heart.  

And.  that's all I have to say today.  Pray for Cheryl, that she doesn't suffer, and that God finishes His work in her, and that her husband is strengthened in his faith, and is able to endure these days.  

a lil lull....

 It's not actively snowing out right now, but it is very cold.  The house is bright!  I don't have PT today!  I vacuumed, not the entire living space, but a good bit of it, it's easier without the walker.  I have a load of clothes in the dryer, and I'm resting up, so I can go down the stairs and go on the stair stepper, ugh.  

Yesterday was a snow day.  In person college was cancelled for Charlotte Claire, so we had a cozy day.  They still had to do their work online, but they were both here.  I have to try hard to behave myself when they are cuddled with their laptops doing school, that I don't randomly chat and start topics and distract them.  

They're playing SIMS, on Sunday.  

Camille loves to make merengue, here are some mixed berry pies...so yummy!

Last night for dinner, I made a chicken pot pie, it was packed full of yum:  small chunks of potato, celery, carrots, mixed veggies, tons of chicken, cooked up in a broth and seasoned with sage, thyme, rosemary, salt, pepper, garlic...we like to sprinkle salt, freshly ground pepper, and rosemary on the top, too, before it goes in the oven.  The crust is all butter pie crust, and it's melt in your mouth good.  I didn't take a picture of it, but it was SO good, half the fun is the aroma while it bakes on a cold winter's night.

This fine day, Kathryn is coming over for a visit with the kids.  She hasn't been here in a few weeks because they were on vacation in Florida.  

Okay, so I just did my seven minutes on the stair stepper.  It's downstairs, so I obviously had to go down the stairs too, and back up, then I stopped in the laundry room to change things over and put in another load.  Then to fix another coffee, and here I am, all cozy in my comfy chair again, with my feet up.  I am not seeing much progress, it's almost like I'm going backwards, because my non-surgical leg is starting to protest a little...the foot hurts, the knee groans and creaks...I feel like I'm racing against it, my new knee had better start pulling more weight before the old one fails.  Also, that old hip bursitis is making itself known, in random whispers...I want to shut it up before it screams, I know I need better form and less jolting on that surgical leg, more smooth steps, less Frankenstein.  

Yesterday I got on the exercise bike three times, and pushed myself to do those intermittent exercises.  I need to really pick up the pace and get moving, if I'm going to be flying over that ocean in five weeks.

If you want to walk, you have to walk, there is no magic involved.  Weights, repetition, balance exercises, it all adds up too.  

Someone on another blog was posting about pet peeves, here are a few of mine:

...when the vacuum cleaner is all clogged up.  Now, as much as I hate this, I admit I actually like pulling out all the fuzz and dust and getting it cleared up.  I always check before I vacuum, and it's beyond me how anyone can let it get this way without knowing.  

...leaving the counter wet in the bathroom or kitchen.  Wipe.  It.  Up.  It's been more magnified for me lately, because sometimes I cheat and lean on the counter to get around, and ugh, it's wet.  

...stepping too close to the dog's bowl in my socks.  I cannot keep them on, no sir.  Slippers help, but still, yuck.

...when I rummage through the pantry and find an empty Oreos box, empty fruit snacks box, an open jar of peanuts I didn't know were open and are now stale, three opened packages of graham crackers...

...waste.  I do not like waste. Growing up in the 70's with a dad who worked for the county and a mom who worked part time at K-Mart might have something to do with it.  I was raised with take what you'll eat, and eat what you take.  

Anyway.  Enough grumping and grumbling, there is too much to be thankful for, right?  These days, every other thought I have is of my sister.  She is not doing so well, and my heart is breaking.  She is very private with her medical details, but she does have metastatic cancer, has had pneumonia a few times, along with some other infections, and is very weak.  Our days are numbered, none are immune to that.  But when it becomes more evident, and your sister can't even talk to you on the phone anymore because she's so tired, and you miss her and think of funny things to say to her every ten minutes of every single day, then well...it's hard.  And this isn't even about me, I hate that she is suffering, even though she has a really good attitude.  

You all have a good day, and be thankful!   And here are a few pictures to cheer you up:

Kettler aka Mama Kitty, or Old Kitty...and her impertinent son, Orange Guy...

Evelyn's front porch...

And, a blast from the past, little Camille when she was six or seven...not so very long ago!