pictures....

My sister Cheryl and her husband Bill...

Me, with Cheryl

Our older brother Bob, Cheryl and I...

2019, on the beach at the fjord in Norway...

I'm guessing this was Halloween?  

Out to lunch for her birthday a few years back...

This past summer, she made it up to the beach while we were camping!

It was unbelievable!  I was so happy to have her there!  We camped there by ourselves with like 18 of our kids, years ago...our husbands had to work, so they set us up, and we camped with the kids!  (With my 16 and her 7, we were busy...I didn't have all of mine yet then though!). 

This was taken in the fall, this past year, Cheryl and Bill and their seven daughters.   (Thank you for the pictures, girls! :))

I didn't go to PT today.  I had a headache.  One of those headaches that pound when you do anything, then settle a little when you settle a little.  I rode the bike, and the little peddler, and did some other exercises, and it wasn't fun.  So I canceled PT.  I am a bit of a wreck anyway.  Not in the deep depths of despair, but rather sad.   I'm still very unsteady on my feet, but you know what?  I can take some steps unassisted!  This was unheard of just weeks ago!  Two weeks ago, I stopped using the walker, and could barely survive using the cane!  I'm not 100% yet, but it's getting better: 

Of course I lost my balance while Char was taking the video, but I didn't want to retake it because she was doing homework, and I was just done doing dishes and wanted to sit down.  Wobbly, but hopeful, that's me.  

Thank you, everyone for all your kind words.  It really warms my heart.  You have a good night!

 

heaven gained a good one...

 ...my dear sister has gone home to her Lord and savior, has finished her race here.  I was blessed and honored to be there while she passed.  On Wednesday, she was supposed to go to the cancer doctor to try a different med to stop tumor growth, but it wasn't to be.  She was too sick, and hospice care was recommended.  I visited with her, she knew me, and after I said goodbye, she called out "Del!", and I went back to talk with her.  That's when I told her I love her and she said she loved me too.

On Thursday, I didn't make it over to see her, Emily was there with her in the evening and said she was more comfortable, she had a new hospital type bed, and was less agitated.

Friday, I got up and made another batch of cookies, and brought them over.  Cheryl knew I was there, but wasn't really speaking anymore.   She was a bit uncomfortable, and the hospice nurse came to check her over, and she got a dose of medicine, then settled down.  Our siblings came to see her, and some of my older kids, and five of her daughters were there, with a few of her older grandkids, and a few of the babies.  It was getting late, and I was going home with three of my daughters.  I went to Cheryl, and held her hand, and told her goodbye, I had to go, and she knew me, she heard me.  She couldn't speak, but she knew me.   I got my shoes on, then was called back in...something was happening....her breathing had slowed down.  We started to sing, "Oh my God, my Jesus, my heart does long for thee...and that home so fair, that thou dost for me prepare...", and her breathing stopped.  It was very peaceful.  One by one we started to pray and thank God for such a good mother, sister, wife, friend....we thanked God for giving her to us, and for taking her for eternity so mercifully.  

It was the absolute saddest thing ever.  But also so good, if that makes any sense.   It was so much better than if her husband was there alone with her.  Emily came over and confirmed that she was gone, before hospice was called.  It was deeply moving and sad, and I feel all hollowed out, my best friend in the whole world has passed on.   I came home, took a shower and went to bed, and could not get warm for hours.  I think I was in shock.  When I woke up, I cried and cried and cried.  I cried because I don't want to live out my days without her.  I know she's in a better place.  But it still hurts like crazy.

Kathryn came over today, and brought flowers and chocolate covered almonds, and popcorn.  Achilles, who is six years old, explained it to me:  It's because you're sad, because your sister is dead, and when you die, we won't see you ever again.  (honestly, kids are quite refreshing!).  Sonja came over with baby Kaia, and we had a good day.  I made beef stew and mashed red skinned potatoes.  Char and Cam were here too.  Then five of Cheryl's girls, my nieces of course, came over so we could try to put together a eulogy.  

Countless times already today I've chalked up something to tell her, then had the punch-in-the-gut remembrance that I won't be telling her.  It hurts my heart to see her girls so bereft.  They were so very close, she was their best friend as well as their mother.  

I can't write any more tonight...thank you all for kind words and prayers....

(This was last September for her birthday, Cheryl and I....)

more and more cold and snow...

 There is a small city north of us, right on the bottom corner of Lake Ontario, and this small city got an additional 1-2 feet of snow last night.  You would never believe they were shoveled out yesterday, by the looks of things today.  New York state has declared the city a state of emergency, the kids have missed four days of school this week.  We have only had four inches or so last night and today, but it is cold.  brrr.

This fine morning, I made myself go downstairs and go on the stair stepper.  I went on the exercise bike, and did some other random mundane exercises.  My goal:  to build endurance, and of course to walk again like a normal person.  This can only be accomplished by just doing it, Nike had it right with that slogan.  If I waited around until I felt like it, um, well.  Having the goal of going to Norway is fire for me, fire lit right under my lazy bum.  

I managed to vacuum today, although shh, I did it in two shifts.  Endurance doesn't happen instantaneously.  Nothing does, with me.  I still didn't put the vacuum away...oops.  

This has been a tired day.  Getting up in the night to use the bathroom, then getting back in bed, getting comfy, and waiting for sleep to return...thinking about Cheryl, praying for her, doing some crying, which I somehow do in the middle of the night...then I finally chilled out and felt sleep sneaking up on me, and Sunny started whining.  She wouldn't stop, it was clear she wanted to go outside, so I pulled back the warm covers, and into the cold air, down the hallway, to let her out.  ugh.  I had been awake for almost two hours by this time, so when I finally settled in and went back to sleep, I decided that I was going to sleep in.  Paul got up early and started work, I went back to sleep until 8:30...:)

oh, the trials, ha.  (all those years of getting up with babies, I do feel for the young mamas...)

Anyway.  Camille is going to make chicken curry for dinner, and jasmine rice.  

Orange Guy being insolent and disrespectful to his mother...

It's snowing again.  I will be glad to see spring this year.  I'm thinking of that feeling of sun on my skin.  But every thought I think, I think about my sister.  Our main phone calls in the last several years were when one of us called the other and asked, "Are you sitting in the sun?"  God numbers our days, and has count of the very hairs of our heads, but we love so fiercely and so deeply, we connect with each other and enjoy our times and conversations and outings and adventures, it's no wonder our hearts are just broken when those things come to an end.  I honestly feel as I cannot live without her.  I simply cannot fathom it.  I know it's not all about me, but this is how I feel.  She has started some meds that have helped her relax more, which is a blessing.  I am hoping to get there again tomorrow to see her.  

Thank you for kind thoughts and prayers for Cheryl.  Have a really good evening.  

is that blue sky?

 

We got so much more snow last night!  I don't know how I'm going to manage getting down the sidewalk to the car to go to PT, but it won't help worrying about it.  But shh, tell my body that.  ugh.

I'd like to say I'm glad to be getting out of the house, ha.  I would also like to say I am making progress by leaps and bounds, but more like inches and hopes.  I won't be publishing this post until after PT, because I'm sure you'll all want a run down of how it goes.  

Remembering the feeling of when I absolutely first tried to take steps without the walker, and how it is now, yes, there is progress.  When I stand up and look at the large expanse of flooring I need to navigate to get to the hallway, I still hesitate, get my bearings, say a prayer, and start in.  Sometimes my left foot drags along, sometimes I get some good steps, but I still rely heavily on the cane.  I can stand on my feet without support and swivel around and get things, but to take actual steps, I need it still.  

Anyway.  Sonja was here yesterday with baby Kaia, and I got to hold her a few times.  She is a strong baby, and not easy to get to sleep, as she is so aware and interested in everything.  She is funny and the way she just scans over everything she sees, like she's taking inventory...she is also scooching and rolling over.    

This is Maeve, playing outside...they live near Lake Ontario, so they got a bit of snow!  

Auntie Camille and baby Kaia...it was just yesterday Cam was a baby like that...

Now it is evening, and I've been to P.T.  (The sidewalk was nice and clear, thanks to Paul, but it was still hard to navigate! ) I walked in, and Steve the therapist looked at me with utter disapproval. I was dragging and limping and hopping... Let's do something different today, he said.  So.  He had me walk without the cane, with a belt thing that he could hold onto, as he walked behind me and said things like lift those knees up higher!  Take big steps, you won't fall!  Walk faster!  Stay in the middle of the hallway!  Don't swing your arms, just walk!  It really worked.  I was able to walk.  Full disclosure:  my knee did buckle a few random times, but I didn't fall.  He said it just happens, and I can catch myself.  He gave the cane back, and had me walk taking bigger steps and doing heel to toe, and it was much better.  

I did all the regular exercises, and a new one, which was kind of hilarious, something out of my bad dreams:  a low reclining board like the leg press, but lower...where you push against your foot, using your body weight.  Getting on and off it were a middle aged fat lady's nightmare.  The sad part though was that I couldn't wait to tell Cheryl.  

We went to visit Cheryl after PT.  Paul snow blowed their driveway while I visited.  Cheryl isn't doing so well, but when I held her hands and told her I love her, she said, I love you too.  Then I told her she was my favorite person in the whole world, and she said something I couldn't understand.  She has some confusion, due to medical issues.  My heart.  

And.  that's all I have to say today.  Pray for Cheryl, that she doesn't suffer, and that God finishes His work in her, and that her husband is strengthened in his faith, and is able to endure these days.  

a lil lull....

 It's not actively snowing out right now, but it is very cold.  The house is bright!  I don't have PT today!  I vacuumed, not the entire living space, but a good bit of it, it's easier without the walker.  I have a load of clothes in the dryer, and I'm resting up, so I can go down the stairs and go on the stair stepper, ugh.  

Yesterday was a snow day.  In person college was cancelled for Charlotte Claire, so we had a cozy day.  They still had to do their work online, but they were both here.  I have to try hard to behave myself when they are cuddled with their laptops doing school, that I don't randomly chat and start topics and distract them.  

They're playing SIMS, on Sunday.  

Camille loves to make merengue, here are some mixed berry pies...so yummy!

Last night for dinner, I made a chicken pot pie, it was packed full of yum:  small chunks of potato, celery, carrots, mixed veggies, tons of chicken, cooked up in a broth and seasoned with sage, thyme, rosemary, salt, pepper, garlic...we like to sprinkle salt, freshly ground pepper, and rosemary on the top, too, before it goes in the oven.  The crust is all butter pie crust, and it's melt in your mouth good.  I didn't take a picture of it, but it was SO good, half the fun is the aroma while it bakes on a cold winter's night.

This fine day, Kathryn is coming over for a visit with the kids.  She hasn't been here in a few weeks because they were on vacation in Florida.  

Okay, so I just did my seven minutes on the stair stepper.  It's downstairs, so I obviously had to go down the stairs too, and back up, then I stopped in the laundry room to change things over and put in another load.  Then to fix another coffee, and here I am, all cozy in my comfy chair again, with my feet up.  I am not seeing much progress, it's almost like I'm going backwards, because my non-surgical leg is starting to protest a little...the foot hurts, the knee groans and creaks...I feel like I'm racing against it, my new knee had better start pulling more weight before the old one fails.  Also, that old hip bursitis is making itself known, in random whispers...I want to shut it up before it screams, I know I need better form and less jolting on that surgical leg, more smooth steps, less Frankenstein.  

Yesterday I got on the exercise bike three times, and pushed myself to do those intermittent exercises.  I need to really pick up the pace and get moving, if I'm going to be flying over that ocean in five weeks.

If you want to walk, you have to walk, there is no magic involved.  Weights, repetition, balance exercises, it all adds up too.  

Someone on another blog was posting about pet peeves, here are a few of mine:

...when the vacuum cleaner is all clogged up.  Now, as much as I hate this, I admit I actually like pulling out all the fuzz and dust and getting it cleared up.  I always check before I vacuum, and it's beyond me how anyone can let it get this way without knowing.  

...leaving the counter wet in the bathroom or kitchen.  Wipe.  It.  Up.  It's been more magnified for me lately, because sometimes I cheat and lean on the counter to get around, and ugh, it's wet.  

...stepping too close to the dog's bowl in my socks.  I cannot keep them on, no sir.  Slippers help, but still, yuck.

...when I rummage through the pantry and find an empty Oreos box, empty fruit snacks box, an open jar of peanuts I didn't know were open and are now stale, three opened packages of graham crackers...

...waste.  I do not like waste. Growing up in the 70's with a dad who worked for the county and a mom who worked part time at K-Mart might have something to do with it.  I was raised with take what you'll eat, and eat what you take.  

Anyway.  Enough grumping and grumbling, there is too much to be thankful for, right?  These days, every other thought I have is of my sister.  She is not doing so well, and my heart is breaking.  She is very private with her medical details, but she does have metastatic cancer, has had pneumonia a few times, along with some other infections, and is very weak.  Our days are numbered, none are immune to that.  But when it becomes more evident, and your sister can't even talk to you on the phone anymore because she's so tired, and you miss her and think of funny things to say to her every ten minutes of every single day, then well...it's hard.  And this isn't even about me, I hate that she is suffering, even though she has a really good attitude.  

You all have a good day, and be thankful!   And here are a few pictures to cheer you up:

Kettler aka Mama Kitty, or Old Kitty...and her impertinent son, Orange Guy...

Evelyn's front porch...

And, a blast from the past, little Camille when she was six or seven...not so very long ago!

no unnecessary travel!

...the storm has arrived.  We have had freezing cold temps here in NY state, and now the snow comes...before tomorrow morning, we should have 18-22 inches of new snow.  So today, we're hunkering down and staying home.  Everything is cancelled, and the roads are slick, when it's so cold out the salt doesn't work.  

It's cozy and comfy and the girls have helped clean up.  We're thinking of baking some artisan bread today, to warm it up in here and make it smell yummy, but oh dear, I'm not sure I want to be snowed in with fresh bread.  

Yesterday was a wonderful day, one for the books.  Suzanne came and spent the day here.  Jonathan and Rosi had arrived in the night, traveling back from their vacation down south, to pick up little Juniper.  They settled into the guest room for some much needed sleep, for a few hours.  Sonja came over with baby Kaia, so we had quite a nice gathering.  Sonja also brought Chinese food, so it was a proper party.

Rosi, Suzanne, Sunny, Juni, Winston (Suzanne and Zech's dog, he looks so much like Suri, we can almost not stand it, but he's a huge sweetheart of course!)

Sunny and Orange Guy.  I don't know why it tickles me so much that they're friends...

Miss Kettler is very happy that Juni has left, she was here for ten days and stole Kitty's prized spot on my lap.  Orange Guy and Juni were hilarious together, they actually chased each other and played.  Kettler was much more hissy and hesitant, but came around eventually and realized that Juni was no threat.  

Char is working on a sweater for Kaia (Suzanne made a beautiful lavender wool blend pullover with a matching headband, so sweet!).  Cam is looking up recipes, she wants to make pies or tarts or something.  Paul is working out and taking care of the cardboard.  (we separate it, and every week or so, he puts it in the burn pile out back, the joys of living in the country!  All those Amazon and Target boxes...)

I wish I could say that my walking has greatly improved.   I can say that it doesn't feel as awful when I put weight on the new knee, and I am doing lots of exercises here at home.  I am managing to get around, but not without some pain and discomfort.  I'll take it though, and power through it, because I really want mobility back.  It helps to remember how hard it was to get around before surgery, when I would be on my feet for a while, and my knee would start screaming and lock up.  There were times I could barely get into the car, the leg didn't want to straighten.  There were times I could barely sit in my chair, it didn't want to straighten.  Now, I can't be up and about for too long but it's getting better.  I don't know why this has been such an uphill battle, but the therapist says, "If it were easy, everyone would be doing it."  Well.  It seems to ME, that everyone IS doing it, and they're doing so well, but comparison being the thief of joy and all, we won't go there.  My battles are my battles, and whether it's because I'm doing things all wrong, or it's how my body is, or something is a little off somewhere, I don't know.  But.  I am okay.  :)

This day is going by so fast.  I helped Camille make pie dough, she is making mixed berry pies with merengue topping.  We made extra pie crust so we can make chicken pot pie tomorrow.  This fine evening, the girls might make a pizza, and we're having crispy chicken thighs.  Our grocery order got frozen, some of the food, just because it was zero degrees and some of it spent the night in the car.  Sonja would have carried all of it in, but I didn't want her to have to do that.  So the stew beef is in the freezer, and the burger and chicken are in the refrigerator, I will have to be creative in how to use it all without refreezing it...thinking to make pot pies, then use the rest of the chicken Wednesday.  The ground beef, I'll make burgers Tuesday, then cook up all the rest and make taco burger, freeze in freezer bags.  

It's been snowing out all day long.  It's different than our lake effect snow, this N'oreaster snow.  It's coming from the east, and the flakes are smaller.  It's piling up though!  By the time it's done, and we add on the extra lake effect that usually follows this type of storm, we'll have much more than two feet.  

Now football is on, and the Broncos are doing fine, although I don't care much...it is growing on me.  I do wish Sam were here to watch it with me!  

Orange Guy wants to attack Char's yarn!

You all have a really good day....stay warm!
 

thanking God for friday...

 ...and for early morning PT, which means I'm done until Monday.   But, as much as I hate PT, I hate this even more:  insurance company says new year, new deductible, even though the sessions were covered in 2025 because it was following a surgery, this new year we have to pay...now, it's not horribly expensive, but multiply it by three each week, and ouch.  We paid off the days I went already in January, now we will reconsider three times a week.  oh poor me ha.  But we don't always like what's good for us...

This fine morning, I was tired, and had trouble getting out of bed, good thing I had to get into the bathroom real quickity.  For some reason, I was tossing and turning until two this morning, then woke at three to use the bathroom, then was still awake at four...then, as per usual, a nice sound sleep when it's time to get up and moving.

I had a few drinks of a black coffee, because TMI but what post-menopausal woman who has given birth to multiple children wants to drink a coffee then go work out without taking a bathroom break?  Anyway.  The leg press, the weights, the bike, the balance board, the dreaded stair stepper, which was much easier this time btw.  Then walking with the cane up and down the hallway, including a flight of stairs "like a normal person".  phew.  

Home now with an ice pack on the knee, a blanket over that, and Juni on that blanket.  A hot coffee in my Ember mug, which I am not getting a penny to mention how much I love it.  I forgot to grab my sweater, so I need to get up out of this comfiness and get it, it's cold!  Well, it's 64 in here.  brrr.  

Camille and I made apple cinnamon muffins yesterday, just a dozen of them.  I chopped the apples, made the crumb topping, and she did the rest.  I brought three of them to the therapists and the receptionist today.  

I was supposed to go visit my sister yesterday, but she had a busy day with some visiting healthcare, so was very tired, I should have gone anyway just to see her.  I can't go today because Paul is leaving to go work on an apartment.  She's having a rough time, one thing that really blesses me is that Emily goes and helps her, and Mariel too, when they can.  

Sonja so nicely is doing an order pick up for me today from BJs.  We are supposed to be getting stormy weather, 0 degree temps tonight with a much colder windchill, high of about 7 f, which is -13.8c,  and tomorrow's low is -6 f (-21c), with wind and snow...brrr.  This isn't even taking into account the storm coming up the coast from Sunday to Monday...which will bring snow, then afterwards the lake effect snow.  So.  I will feel better if we're stocked up a bit.  I ordered some stew beef, I have been just craving a hot bowl of stew.  Also chicken, stir fry veggies, a bag of apples, some burger, Reeses' hearts, butter, cream...we already have three pizza doughs, lots of cheese, and pepperoni in the 'fridge, for tomorrow.  I hope Suzanne is able to come, with this weather forecast.  Sonja is coming over too, and I'm not sure who else.  

The wind has really started in, howling around the house.  It''s blowing snow around, and sounding menacing.  January in the northeast, what can you expect, but still.  

We watched the latest season of The Great British Baking Show this last week, which spurred us to make those muffins.  It always makes me want to bake.  We do laugh at all the things we are so unfamiliar with, the basic sponge (who calls a cake a sponge?), profiterales, madeleines, cream horns?   Trifle.  Plaited loaves, pronounced "platted"!  biscuit towers, cookies?  A TENNIS CAKE?  Anyhow, it's a fascinating peak into a different world, we love how they talk, and how they all seem to get along and cheer each other on, even helping each other out.  We thought Paul Hollywood was too harsh on Tom, and favored Jasmine from the start.  We really liked Ian.  Anyway.

Have you watched Fallout?  Walter Goggins?  It's quite arresting, even if it's not my kind of show.  We don't really watch much tv around here.  We definitely don't have it on unless we are actually watching a show, then we turn it back off.  It's never just blasting.  Even when football is on, we have it muted most of the time, unless there's a great play.  We mute during ads and commercials too.  I cannot stand when the television is just on...

Last night I finished a Tana French book, was sad to read the last page, as I enjoyed the heck out of it.  No, I am not bored though.  I have looked into getting railings to install (for Paul to install :)) on the deck steps, and on the front porch...so I can get out of the house by myself when I am able.  I am allowed to drive now, but am not ready to go out into this cold icy mess by myself.  Having railings up will make it so I can get down the stairs when I am ready for an outing...like getting back to the pool.

So, I am walking on a cane now.  I told the therapist today:  I am not technically ready for the cane, the criteria is if you get up and take a few steps and forget you need a walker, or if you can walk only lightly touching the cane handle, not holding on for dear life, when you can sucessfully stand on just the surgical leg with the other leg lifted in the air, which I cannot do...but.  BUT.  I am also ready to be finished with the walker, or I'll never learn these things.  I want to say my walking has improved, and maybe it has a teeny tiny bit.  But, every time I stand up and get ready to take a step, it's a big thing.  It's not natural yet.  I am still wobbly sometimes.  Last night, on the way to bed, the new knee buckled, but I didn't fall, and that's what I'm holding onto for dear life:  I didn't fall.  And let it be noted, I have not touched the walker since Monday when the therapist said to be done with it.  :). small victories, right?

Why it's still buckling, I do not know.  I do the leg press and the stair stepper and I can ride the bike and do stairs...one of the therapists shook his head at me today, and said, "You can walk.  You can do the leg press, you can walk on that leg, it's not a wooden leg, just a new knee..."  thank you, that helps.  

Sometimes I feel like a little kid who keeps disappointing everyone.  Yet, I 'm trying!  This has been such a challenging time of my life!  The knee aches more, it gets stiff, it creaks and cracks, it wakes me up every hour or two at night, and I wonder why I ever did this, but then it was awful before, and it will get better.  

Enough about the knee.  

Miss Char with Orange Guy, and baby Kai taking a nap all cuddled on her.  

Can you believe how big little Miss is getting?  

Ah well.  I need to get up and move...you all have a good day, and stay safe and warm!