sadness and sickness....

Sadness: Suri delivered one stillborn puppy. A trip to the vet...no more puppies, that was it. One puppy. See, I had come down with the stomach bug sometime in the night Sunday. I do not care for throwing up, I was shivering and shaking and running for the bathroom all night long. Camille was also sick in the night, but thankfully my sweet daughter Mirielle had the night off, and since she is now nocturnal, she showered Camille and took care of her. Anyway. No way no how was I going to get out of bed Monday morning, I was weak and my stomach hurt and I was just plain staying in bed. Jon came in and told me that Suri was panting and scratching, so...I got out of bed. '

Even though I felt light-headed and ill, I was excited. Finally, puppies! She scratched and scrunched and whined, and wanted Jon to be there petting her the whole time. She birthed that first one, and started washing it. It wasn't moving at all. She washed and washed it, nudged it, washed it, and I finally snatched it up and tried to get it breathing, but I am pretty certain that it died before birth. It was cute, darn it. Pudgy little tummy, it was a chocolate, like Duke. Those little paws. Oh my goodness, it was hard. I would like to say that I was an example in cool calmness, but I lost it. I had Jon go get Joseph, as if Joseph could do something. I held that pup and tried and tried to revive it. I called the vet immediately. She said if there was longer than 12 hours until the next birth, I should bring here in, but otherwise, just leave her be, sometimes a puppy dies, it is just something that happens. Well, all day long Suri shook and paced and gathered stuffed animals into her pen. I thought she was gearing up to deliver more, then finally I decided she needed to go to the vet. Emily and Joseph took her for me, as I was still so sick I could barely stand up.

I was glad she didn't need a puppy c-section, or any other expensive surgery, although if it saved her life or her pups, we agreed we would do it. I sent Em with my credit card and told her to let me know....so no surgery, just an x-ray that confirmed it, no more puppies in there. The vet said she would be sad and confused and want something to take care of. So she adopted the little pink chicky, she washes it and rests her head on it.

The kids are pretty bummed out. We are thankful that Suri is okay, but we were hoping for the pitter-patter of those little puppy feet. And I keep thinking of that one pup, could I have saved it if I had grabbed it faster? Was it still alive when it came out? I'm 99% sure it wasn't, but still, I wish I could have a re-do of the whole thing. And, I am traumatized. I won't go so far to say that it reminded me of having my stillborn baby Robert, but holding that lifeless puppy, I just felt so helpless. I WANTED it to BREATHE. Just breathe! I remember having that feeling when I held Robert, just wishing and willing him to suck some air in, to move. I know puppies and real babies aren't the same, but it evoked the same feeling in me, is all. And being sick too, I was rather a wreck yesterday. I did nothing but doze on the couch. Mirielle made me tea and toast, and I loved her for it.

Jonathan, bless his little heart. He has been researching and learning about dog pregnancy and gestation and birth....he is so sad for Suri. But it's as if God knows this, and Suri has taken to Jon's bed with her chicky, as her little den. She slept with Jon last night, and that is something we don't really allow, but....

And of course there is the guilty feeling at the relief I admit to feeling that we won't have all those puppies to take care of. Life seems so simple and empty in a way. After all this anticipation of a huge event, of weeks of work and joy and messes, now...nothing. The lovely whelping pen which Paul so nicely built will be dismantled and we will get that section of our living room back. (Oh yes, the were going to be right here with us).

My two little girls are home from school again. Camille was sick yesterday, and still not herself at bedtime last night. I woke them up this morning, and they asked about puppies so hopefully, I had to tell them there wouldn't be any...they started crying. How could I dress them and put them on the bus? They were in Kathryn's room for the stillbirth, thankfully. This has been hard enough.

But of course I am not in the depths of despair. I am sad, but there is so much else to be thankful for. Paul is home. (and that is in itself WONDERFUL!). Ben and Ashley will be here next week. I am feeling better today, although I swept and mopped the floors and felt like I was just going to collapse and fall on the floor, so I am going to take it slower. Anyway, I am glad I have most of the shopping done, most of the presents wrapped, the stocking stuff bought. Mirielle has been baking cookies at night when she isn't working, and packing them up in containers for next week. We will be having multiple celebrations, as the older kids (the nurses), have to work and there doesn't seem to be any one time where they will all be here at once.

Our driveway is full of snow. Snow snow snow, here in central New York state. Lake effect snow from Ontario.
We did let him in:)

Our oil tank was almost empty, and it is freezing out. The oil guy came the other day, but there were too many cars in the driveway, so he had to come back today. Paul is out there with the snowblower, the oil guy came, our tank is now full. Merry Christmas to us!

Anyway. The little girls are playing out in the snow, shh, don't tell the school nurse. It's probably good for them anyway, my mother always said the cold air kills germs, but I don't know. They like the snow, and daddy is playing with them. I am sitting here feeling just rather blah, cold and tired. I hope Paul doesn't get sick like this. I hope it moves through the family quickly. But, no matter what I hope, God will send what is for our very best, and there is comfort in that.