why do I do this everyday?

Here I am, a fifty year old lady, wasting time typing on a laptop every morning, writing the same thing, day after day. I don't know who reads it, and I don't know why I write it. I only know that it sorts me out, and it's rather therapeutic. And when I'm writing it, I forget that people actually READ it.

Here are some random thoughts for today, you know, sorting things out in my mind and all...

1. I have been blogging for over 8 years now.

2. Camille was not born yet when I started. She is turning 8 this Saturday.

3. I have five teenagers, the 18 year old in Norway for a year. The other four accompanied me on an outing last evening:

Sonja 13, Suzanne 14, me, Evelyn 16, and Kathryn 17. These girls are so full of fun and life! They bicker, and randomly get extremely offended at each other, yet they love each other and when they are getting along, it's magnificent. We went out to dinner last evening, then to Kohl's because I had a good coupon (we only spent $18 in there), then to the Tim Horten's/Coldstone Creamery, where I decided to go ahead and get some pumpkin ice cream, which lo and behold comes with one free mix-in (free, ha! That cup of ice cream was five dollars!)...so I got Snicker bar mixed in. Um, yum? Kathryn shared with me while the other girls chose things from Tim's, like cookie flavored lattes and smoothies.

4. Today I am right back to eating clean. I find that going off course once a week or so, in a small time period, and not going wild, doesn't seem to affect me.

5. Which brings me to weight loss...the ever present spectre in my life...my cross to bear, the thorn in my flesh...I can't just walk away from it, or the pounds will come back with a vengeance. Since I decided to clean up my act four and a half years ago, I am down aprox. 67 pounds...I HAD been down over 70, then got sloppy and put 25 pounds back on like nothing. So I got serious again, and it's been sloooow going. Eighteen pounds down in the last six months, but I feel better. I have a long way to go, at least 40 more pounds, although for my height, I could safely lose another 70. It's not negotiable, I have to keep on with this, if I don't, I'll just gain it all back, and I am not up for that. So I keep plugging along, keep moving, keeping eating clean, saying NO to sweets and grains an average of a million times a day....

6. I am happily married. But I won't lie, it is a work to keep the "happily" part in that phrase. I don't think Paul reads this, but if you do dear, please, don't be offended. It's NOT you. It's the fact that I have occasionally let little things that bug me...pile up...little grievances like how maybe I thought you should have noticed how hard I worked for that dinner, and you didn't even seem to care, or that I had a lot to say and you just nodded and put headphones on, or that my feelings were hurt...and so on. And voila, before I knew it, once again, I was rather distant, rather offended. This is not good, this is not right. Forgiving and forgetting is not a one time deal, it's a way of life, if you want to preserve your marriage. I love my husband, and racking up these invisible iniquities is like letting a wrecking ball swing at the whole relationship. I have to purify my own thoughts in order to love purely. It has nothing to do with the way he is, or can be, because heaven knows he's not perfect, ha. But this is something worth working on! And it helps that he's really hot, and to any of my kids who might be reading this, sorry.

7. Christmas is next month. I do not have a present closet so much anymore. 9 of the kids now 18 or over, what do I possibly get them? We do a gift exchange that is lots of fun, and I am trying to downsize what I give...except to the little ones:) But here's the thing: I love my kids so much, I don't want them to feel like because I only got them a coffee mug and a new scarf that I don't care about them....ha.

8. Next week, Paul and I are going away for a night! We are fitting it in in the middle of the week because he has Veteran's Day off. He's leaving for France next weekend, so we couldn't go until at least the weekend after Thanksgiving, and that's not even for sure...

9. Homeschooling: yeah, we're having fun, but we have to fit more work in. These glorious days of Indian summer here in New York have been wonderful, but not conducive to a lot of bookwork:) We went to my brother's for breakfast yesterday, which was really fun, and was like a restaurant breakfast. He's amazing btw, taking care of small children while making to-order breakfasts, and keeping the house spotless. And, he LOVES those little ones he watches.

10. My heart is aching and breaking for my oldest daughter, Emily. She lives in a nice big house in town with Mirielle (Abigail lived there too, before going to Norway for a year), and another girl. Anyway, she adopted a rescue dog back in the springtime. He's an adorable little lab-mix. He had been abused in his former life, which leaves him...unpredictable. He has attachment issues, but also he has growling issues. Randomly. He'll love you on one visit, then the next time he'll bare his teeth, snap, growl...and scare the living heck out of you. He loves Emily dearly, sleeps in her bed, obeys her on walks, accompanies her on adventures. But Emily bought that house to be a good place, a place for friends to visit, for fellowship...and little Lou can wreak havoc on all of that. He's a liability, because one of these days, he really could bite someone. The girls had baby Lydia there and had to watch him like a hawk, which of course one should do anyway with a dog, but still. Anyway...Emily has decided to return Lou to the shelter. It has not been an easy decision, but in the end, people have to come first, and although they have been patient and kind and good to this pup, he has been aggressive at times, so...he has to go. I know Emily is going to be partly relieved to have him gone, and she is going to feel guilty to feel like that, because she's going to feel like a bad person, a shmuck, a traitor, and there will be a huge hole in her heart, because she did give her heart to this little dog. She's all grown up, Emily is. But she's still my little girl, and if I could take this pain from her, I gladly would. Yeah, it's only a dog, you can say. But the way she loves this dog is still love. wah.



Lou wanted to go to Israel with Emily...

11. Little girls are up playing, they never get bored. They have turned the bottom bunk into a couch, and are playing dolls, and don't want to do any school work. But they will...:) Davian is here now too, so time to move it...