and...a bit of sadness....

I am thinking of a good verse right now...2 Corinth. 4:8...We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed-

Sam did not pass his PT test. He called right as we were ready to pull out of the driveway. Totally packed, ready to go. I was honestly a bit shocked, I really thought he would pass. He said his wrist is still sore, he just couldn't do the push-ups. He did the other things fine. He said the Army is downsizing right now, and being selective. (When Ben went through basic, one of the soldiers didn't pass a single PT test, yet got through and went to Afghanistan with Ben.) Anyway. He doesn't know what will happen now. He will either be sent home, and get here in July sometime, or he will go to a second chance kind of thing where he is trained intensively and tested weekly, if he passes the PT test in the first few weeks he will graduate and move on, if not, cycled out and home. So he just waits now to see what they decide. He called me, and told me all this while Paul and the girls were getting in the van to leave. Because we really thought he would pass, and that we would be going to the Infantry graduation. Sam said that he has been talking to God a lot lately. He said that perhaps God has different plans for him. I could tell he was trying to be strong. He apologized for ruining our plans, and I just about cried. The only plans I care about are having my children grow up to trust in God. I told him that, too. Success, wealth, status...very nice, but guess what? In the long run, those things don't bring true happiness.

So his plans changed, and he is down there in Georgia, while the rest of his platoon gets ready to graduate. I want to cry, I want to hug him, I want to comfort him. He made it clear we should not drive down there, he does not have leave, and wouldn't be able to see us until possibly the weekend, and then he wouldn't be able to leave the base. So.

We didn't want to disappoint the girls even more, so we changed our hotel reservations, and are going to Hampton, Virginia. And, we are taking Jonathan too, since we have the open seat in the van since Sam won't be coming home with us. Paul and I, Kathryn and Evelyn and Suzanne and Sonja, and Jon, will get up at 3:30 am and drive...and drive and drive, to the ocean. Ten, eleven hours. It doesn't seem so long compared to the 19 hours to Georgia. But it seems sad.

I haven't cried yet, but I will. Probably when I least want to, something else will happen and I will lose it. Poor Sam. Because no matter what he believes, he will have some suffering to do. And he is my little boy. ouch, my soul. That's what love is though, hurting when they hurt.

Ah well, life is interesting.

the six youngest and me, and my seven youngest....

This was at the parade the other night...me with my youngest six kids.

Kathryn Grace 16, Suzanne Eleanor 13, Evelyn Joy 14, Sonja Kathleen 12, Jonathan Robert 10, in the front: Camille Anaya 6, and Charlotte Claire 8.

The years go by too fast. I am getting used to going to parades and malls without strollers and diaper bags, but my arms still feel a bit empty sometimes. Seriously, there are so many unwanted babies in this world, how can I get one?:)

and tomorrow we depart for Georgia!

Phew. I am so last-minute-y. I have to pack and and and, but also I have to go buy $300 worth of candy for the candy store for the church conference this weekend. I will miss most of it, but I will still buy the candy.

Anyway. About Samuel...I know that God causes all things to work together for the good for those who love Him. I know that if Sam gets cycled out of the Army because of this hurt hand/not passing the PT test, it will work out. But my heart will still break for him. He set his mind on being a soldier several years ago, and has never let the idea go. No, he was going Infantry. Didn't matter that he tested high enough to choose from lots of occupations in the Army, no, he was going Infantry. He counted the days to Basic, and has done really well on everything. He is a Sharpshooter, and seems to have adapted well to the brutal schedule and busy tiring days. But, apparently he has to do those push-ups in order to graduate. And if he finds out tomorrow that he won't be graduating, oh dear. My heart will break for him.

We are still packing up and heading south. What else can we do? If he doesn't graduate, he will hopefully get leave before the begin cycling him out, I guess it takes 6 weeks or so. There is also a possibility. they will put him in a 30 day program, a second chance type of thing. Tomorrow, we will find out.

In the mean time, life goes on. I have been cleaning our pool, we don't have a vacuum for it, so I scoop those leaves out, and skim the fluffy cottonwood fluffies from the top.

We have been outside alot. Paul ran over Charlotte Claire's bike yesterday, but we had Sonja's old one under the deck. It's bigger, but Char tried it and it's fine.

Paul hung one of those huge fat climbing ropes from one of our trees, the girls LOVE climbing it and swinging on it.

On the way home from church this afternoon, Kathryn promised the little girls she would make cupcakes with them. Well, we didn't have any cake mix, and I didn't feel like looking up a recipe, or baking anything at all, for that matter, but. I helped them mix up a triple batch of cookie dough. Some chocolate chip, some plain oatmeal, and some oatmeal with chocolate covered rasberries, white chocolate chips, and craisins. Now, I have not eaten one. I do not plan on eating any. I did taste the dough, because I substituted the shortening with coconut oil, and butter. yum. But. I do not want to eat cookies. Ten of our kids still live at home, and if I bide my time, the cookies will be gone, and phew, I will be okay. I wrapped some up for lunches, and left some dough in the 'fridge for Joe to either eat or bake for the little girls during the week. It smells so absolutely heavenly in here right now though, I can't even stand it. blah.

I ate well today. One egg and some Ezekiel toast for breakfast. Some grilled chicken breast and watermelon for lunch. A baggie of hot air popcorn and four almonds for snack. A burger with pickles and no bun for dinner.

It's funny, because I feel so much better when I eat well, both mentally and physically. But when I have a headache or am tired, the first thing I want to do is eat chocolate, or console myself with a little bit of ice cream. Not that I regularly give in, but why is it so in me to sabotage my own self?

I am writing a list for Joseph, so he can get the little girls out the door to the bus smoothly. Oh dear. I packed them each a bin of clothes for the week, so they can choose what they want but stuff that's already matched. If Joe picked out their clothes I would never be able to show my face at school again. That frilly party dress with sneakers because it's a gym day? Stripes and plaid?

I also baggy-ed up some stuff for their lunches.

Ah well, my thoughts are pretty scrambled up right now, and I do have a headache. It has been a really headache-y few days for me, perhaps all those fluffies in the air are messing with my sinuses, I don't know. I am tired though, and hope I can sleep with all these thoughts running through my brain....

friday evening breather....

Just a little break here, we are going to the firemen's parade in the village in a half hour. The youngest 8 kids are going with me, seven daughters and one Jonathan. Today Evelyn and I went out and about to get the oil changed in the van for our trip next week, to the carwash to vacuum it out, to the grocery store for some burger and strawberries and peppers and plums and eggs and half and half. And some new nail polish for Evelyn. Then to the dollar store so she could buy some more plants. A fill up at the gas station, and...oh wait, two different Dunkin Donuts! We stopped for coffee, and found out it was...free donut day! I do not eat donuts anymore, but some of my kids do. I asked for two chocolate glazed, and oh it kills me to even type those words. The girl gave me two regular glazed, they were free, but still....I mentioned sheepishly that I had asked for chocolate ones. She said to keep the glazed, and gave me the two chocolate ones. Great. I had to drive around all afternoon with four donuts in the van, plus the chocolate frosted bavarian cream and the pink frosted with sprinkles we picked up at the other D.D. when we needed more coffee. Evelyn ate one, then there were five. dang. I did not have one. I did ask Ev to break off a tiny taste, and oh dear, yup, it was as good as I thought it would be. I need to just move out, and live by myself in a cave somewhere.

Anyway. We had chicken and cut up fruit for dinner, watermelon and cantaloupe and strawberries. The kids also had pasta salad. I took out a few olives and tomatoes, and left it alone.

I simply cannot mess around with things like chocolate, or peanut M&M's anymore. When my strictness melts into a little bit of permissiveness, watch out.

So off we go to the parade....daddy is working tonight, so it is just me...and lots of kids.

the very best a mother could ask for....

Samuel, oh dear Sam. He didn't take his PT test on Monday because of his hand, so he has to wait until next Monday, the day we're leaving for Georgia. I can't even think about his situation without getting all anxious-y, yet I know that it doesn't help, it isn't good, I have to trust God...then I get this message from him last night when I got home from the baseball game....it said:

"All I know is that no matter what everything will work out for my best so I'm not worrying."

Now, what more could a mother ask for? A son who trusts God! He puts me to shame. Because I know it's not a magical thing, that he is automatically totally at rest about it. No, he is fighting the worry, and giving his life to God.

That is worth more than gold, it is worth more than being the most distinguished soldier in the whole Army.

It makes me happy.

I am not magically free from my anxieties, I just want to KNOW he is graduating, I am not very patient. But God sees what I need, what Sam needs, and we need these trials so we can be free from sin, and learn to trust Him.

So yesterday, ah yesterday, what a busy day! (Every so often I think of my friend saying, "Della does nothing!", and I want to scream, but it is rather funny.)

This is my sister's grandson William (my niece's little boy), with Jonathan and Charlotte Claire on Char's field trip to the science museum. I went along as a chaperone. Since there was no room on the bus, I drove and brought Jon and Will. What fun we had! We opted out of the IMAX movie, and instead explored the museum by ourselves. They had plenty of time to fly the in the simulated helicopter and airplane, and got to take their time exploring the toothpick sculptures and the anti-gravity bouncer thing-y. I am very science-y. ha.

We stopped at a different Walmart on the way home from the big city, and those kids were so good. We stopped at the 98 cent flip-flop bin to dig around for a pair for Jon, and William asked if he could have some too. Of course he could! He chose red ones. He is going into kindergarten next year, and there is going to be one lucky teacher. He wants to know everything.

Anyway, we got popsicles and new socks for the little girls so Joseph wouldn't have to match any next week when we're gone to Georgia. It does crack me up, thinking of Joseph putting those little girls on the bus...

I was home for long enough to put my feet up and have coffee and yogurt, wash up the sinkful of dishes and the bacon pan that a child I won't name left here, clean up the counters and give dinner instructions, then Joseph and I left for the baseball game. Our small city is struggling to get the attendance up at these games, and one of the things they do at the stadium is have One Dollar Thursdays. That means beer is $1,soda is $1, and hot dogs are $1. Our stand sold over 1400 beers and 544 hot dogs, plus lots of fried dough and chicken tender baskets and french fries. Busy busy busy. The good thing about Busy is that one can't remember how much one's knees ache from standing on that cement floor when one is Busy. phew. They hurt today.

I got home at 11:00, and since Mirielle didn't have to work last night, she was up, so yeah, I stayed up too late talking to her.

Paul is at the doctor today, his dreaded A-fib is back. He has an ablation done a few years back, and that rapid heart beat slowed right down to normal. Paul is one of those people who is totally fascinated with good health. He eats well, exercises, (he was doing Cross-fit before Cross-fit was cool. He used to drag that weighted tire down the road...). It's hard for anyone when things they cannot control pop up to mess up their lives.

The kids have half a day of school today, yay! The pool is struggling to get clean. Ha, that's impossible for a pool to struggle, but it is underneath too many poplar trees which grew up too fast, and dump those white cotton fluffies into it. And I mean DUMP. I go out and clean out the filter basket, scoop and skim the fluffies off the top of the water, and more float down as I do it. We need to cut a few trees down, but guess what? It isn't even on our imaginary list of Things We Should Do Someday.

Our garden is growing nicely though. Tomatoes and watermelon and peppers and radishes and lettuces and those pesky squash we didn't even plant. Our garden is haunted, it produces these hybrid squash that look like melons, but taste like summer squash. They aren't bad, but they are cropping up everywhere and we have to weed them out.

Duke was prancing around the tomato plants this morning, even though Paul put up a lovely fence with sticks and fishing line to keep the deer out. When I called him to come out of there, he snapped a few sticks. Good boy, Duke. rrrr. He came immediately when I called him, so I had to pat his stupid head and praise him. I do love him.:)

I have to buy the candy store candy this weekend, and set out school clothes for the little girls, and and and.

Paul talked to our son Benjamin and said Ben has to have some surgery done on his hip. A long long time ago, when he was 10 years old, and I was 8 months pregnant for Evelyn, he went on a boys' camping trip with Paul. Long story short, he fell of the front of the pontoon boat, went under the boat, and was hit by the boat motor. He could easily have died that day, the blade sliced him up good, but the fact that it hit his hip probably saved his life. His hip has never been the same since that day, it was pretty gruesome how he was patched up. He has had it checked out, and obviously to join the Army he was declared healthy and fit, but he had an MRI the other day which showed that something or other was severed, no wonder he has been in such pain. Anyway. Poor Ben, pain for almost 15 years.

Yes, they grow up, but it is still a full time job to worry about them all:)

and the waiting continues....

We haven't heard from Samuel, but perhaps No News Is Good News. I think he would have called if he had failed the PT test and wasn't going to graduate. I think. So I start thinking that way, and go on in my planning, after all, we are leaving in six days to drive to Georgia. It's a 19 hour drive, and there are kids staying here who need meals and clothes picked out. Joseph is sending the two little girls to school four mornings, and he can't very well pick out their clothes for them. Their hair is going to look lovely enough. I want to send them with a little sign around their necks that says, "my big brother brushed my hair." And this is assuming that he will brush it, and not say that it looks fine like it is.

Anyway, I have things to do, if I am indeed going on a trip. There is a church conference that starts right when we will be returning to New York, and I have to buy the candy for the candy store. Four of my girls are going on the trip with us, and they are already trying on dresses for the graduation, they are so excited, yet aren't totally sure if they should be so excited. I keep hearing this question: "Mom, did Sam call yet?", and I keep saying Not Yet.

And I am not just sitting around wondering, either. Between general housework and laundry and and and, today I went shopping with Kathryn. We had to stop at the library to get some books, then to get my glasses fixed, the arm broke off. We meandered through the horrid mall, and bought Sonja K. a $6 skirt in Old Navy. Kathryn found some $6 jeans, too. We went into The Children's Place and didn't find anything cheap enough, then in Charlotte Russe where she found a lovely skirt for five bucks. We went into a huge shoe store so Kathryn could look at all the sneakers she cannot afford, and I could look at all the shoes that I cannot fit my fat feet into. We stopped for a coffee on the way out, and then started our grocery shopping....

BJs for chicken and cheese and coffee and Peanut M&M's and butter and bananas and deodorant. Then to Price Chopper for bread and peanut butter and juice for Charlotte's field trip to the science museum on Thursday, and bagels and chicken and turkey lunch meat and brown rice. Then...home. Ah, home. But there is No Rest For The Wicked, and none for me either. We put away groceries and I switched laundry and assigned the girls to make brown rice and cut up tomatoes and olives and and and, while I grilled some beef. I have not bought beef/steak in a long time because it has gotten so expensive, but it was on sale for $2.99 a pound. We sliced it up really thin and had it on fajitas with peppers and the other stuff. I just had a huge salad with some. yummers.

It seems like I have been going non-stop, yet I do nothing, ha.

Tomorrow I am babysitting for the baby of a friend. She is a lovely and sweet little thing, and she likes to be held when she sleeps, so I am not planning on getting much done. I was going to take Evelyn to the thrift store, but I guess I won't. I am looking forward to having a baby in my arms again, even just for a day:)

It was hot here today, but my silly kids wouldn't go in the pool because they saw a frog jump off the ladder into the water. You can't see to the bottom yet, the filter has been running all day, but there are still leaves in there, and the white fluffies from the cottonwood trees just floats down like it's snowing, filling the pool and clogging the filter basket. Anyway, they did not want to swim with a frog. A harmless little frog, says the mom who wouldn't go in either....

lovely monday morning....

This morning's walk was worthy of framing, if one could frame an experience. Like that song, "Time In A Bottle", I would like to bottle up and save this glorious weather. The trees swaying in the breeze, the birds singing, the squirrels flitting across the roads and into the underbrush. The coolness of the morning with the promise of the warm day as the sun peeks through the clouds...

Yes, a gorgeous day.

Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but the more I seek God, and believe that ALL things work together for my good, then the better my days go.

Samuel James called last evening. He had finished with a six day "camp-out" in the 90+degree weather, in full gear. He said, "You know how when you are at the beach all day and you're all sandy and all you want is a shower? Well imagine that for six days with only one uniform change, and no shower." He got through that, but sprained his hand somehow. And, today is a very important PT test. Sam has to do push-ups on a sprained hand. Talk about Life Isn't Fair! He has to! No choice! If he fails today, he gets cycled out of the Army! I told him not to listen to his hand, just to drown out the pain and do those push-ups. All his hard work and determination come down to one PT test! He says the Army is downsizing right now, so they are more indiscriminate about who they fail and who they put through.

Of course this is torture for my soul. I cannot bear it, cannot bear the thought of my Sam not making it, not being able to do what he has been so driven to do for so long. But. Like it or not, it might happen. And I am preparing myself to be a help to him by realizing and acknowledging that there is a higher power at work here, and no matter what happens, we need to trust Him.

I need to encourage him to hope for the future, there is a place for him in this world, and perhaps it isn't where he wanted to be, but it WILL work out. In order to do that, I have to believe it myself.

Then there's Caring What Other People Think. In theory, who cares? But in reality, it can be a battle to not care.

And of course, it may happen that he passes that PT test. He can still run, and do his sit-ups, and perhaps the drill sgt. will have mercy on him and overlook sloppy push ups.

Maybe I am putting the cart before the horse.

See, my kids aren't all little anymore, needing sippy cups and diaper changes, but oh dear it can be exhausting just being Mommy.

I want what's best for them, of course, but the very best thing is that come what may, they learn to trust God. Because those who trust in Him will never be put to shame.

So that is one part of what's been going on in my life. There are other things, other trials, then there are the good things....

Our pool is open!!! It isn't clear yet, but it's getting there. I spent a lot of time in there yesterday scooping leaves from the bottom:), then when I felt like complaining about it, I realized that duh, that's not actually a horrible job....

We had an excellent weekend here. Friday we went to the park, Saturday I took Evelyn Joy to her music solo early in the morning. She had to be there before nine. I waited in the truck for her, with a good book and a mug of coffee, poor me. Then I took her to buy a binder for a school project, so we went to the dollar store. I bought myself two shirts in there, from Target, for a dollar each. :) Then to BigLots, three of "needed" earbuds, funny how that happened, earbuds became a "need". Anyway, home for a nice day in the sunshine.

We had fires in our firepit both Friday and Saturday night, with marshmallows of course. Only one for me.

Jon, Char, Cam.

Yesterday we went to our friends' house for a few hours to celebrate a 60th birthday. It was a lovely afternoon for a party, warm but not hot, sunny but pleasant in the shade. Their children and grandchildren were there too. It was hard for me to leave my kids to go there, my kids were not invited, and when I was there I really wanted to get home to them. We are so busy here, I don't get to see them as much as I would like to, especially to ones who go to school.

Summer vacation is coming, and I seriously cannot wait.