never ever give up...ever.

I feel fat and ugly. No, really. I am twenty pound heavier than I was at my lowest, and by lowest, I mean in the last few years. I mean since I decided Enough Is Enough. I don't mean like high school or anything. No sir, I have not gotten THAT low.

Anyway. Poor me, I have gained back some weight and it isn't fair! I didn't have a cupcake, I had no pastries when we were in Virginia, none of those yummy muffins from the breakfast buffet. Okay, so I did have a few of the evening cookies. And I had cheese popcorn, and yeah, a light beer or two. I know I can't count what I didn't have, that doesn't lose me any weight.

My body has changed, my metabolism is different, I cannot eat like a Normal Person. If I were to eat like one of my teenage girls, even for a day, I would gain it all back instantly. It isn't fair.

But what am I gonna do, cry about it? Stomp my feet? Give up and give in and just not care?

No. I am going to fight. I am going to fight because of my blood pressure, because of diabetes, because of heart attacks. I am going to fight so I can walk and move and do things with my kids. I don't want to end up in one of those electric carts in Walmart.

Those pounds have crept back on. And maybe last week I said I was going to be ever so radical and behave, and...no weight came off. But, today is today, and I cannot give up. Yeah, I know a good sign of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.

The thing is, I will behave and deny myself sometimes for a whole day! A whole long day, ignoring the hunger that creeps up in the evening, the whispers of popcorn, the longing for chocolate. And the next day, I haven't lost a pound from that long day of suffering! wah. poor me. So, as I am telling myself at this very moment, the key is endurance. It isn't just one day, it is my life. My new life. I need to feed my body good nourishing things, I need to move and work out when I don't feel like it. I have to. So what if my original zeal wore off and I got slouchy. So what! Today is a new day, and I get to make choices today.

I already know what donuts taste like, I already know they are good. I do not have to have a bite to confirm that.

I know that ice cream is superbly excellently yummy, too.

This summer my treats will be watermelon and cherries and cantaloupe. And to be honest, as I type this, that little voice that wants to sabotage me is jumping up and down, raising it's hand, saying, "What about corn on the cob, please please please? Can corn be a treat too?"

So I have my work cut out for me.

If you are skinny, or if you don't know what it's like to plan for two weeks ahead of a wedding how to avoid having a piece of cake, or if you don't pick up a bag of something and multiply just to make sure how many calories are in the whole bag, or if you decline dessert because you don't really like pie or you are just too full from dinner, you might well think I'm crazy. Maybe I am.

So don't give up. I want to endure in this, not grow weary of staying on the straight and narrow. I don't want to have excuses for rewarding myself. I don't want to be fooled into thinking that I deserve a treat.

This summer is going to be a good one. I won't sit on my rear end in my comfy chair while life passes me by.

This whole post reminds me of #firstworldprobs. seriously. poor me, there is too much good food!

happy father's day!

I spent a good part of the day working at the concession stand at the ball game, which was crazy! Crazy busy! Oh my goodness, the lines were long, we couldn't keep up. People were mostly nice about it though, and being busy made the day go by fast.

So...Sam MIGHT graduate this week, but we don't know until he takes his test on Wednesday. That means that if he passes, we have to start down there right away so we can be there on Friday morning. I checked hotels in the area, and most of them are already booked up. I found a decent one and reserved it for two nights, but I have to cancel by 4 on Wednesday or get charged for the first night. So. If Sam doesn't find out, or take his test by then, I will have to cancel and figure out what to do next. I will also have to make arrangements Just In Case, for the little kids, ect.

Ah, life is interesting.

My house needs to be cleaned. I got home Friday night, late, from Virginia. I left Saturday morning early for the church conference, and got home late last night. I got up this morning and worked on the pool, did laundry, washed some dishes, ate breakfast, and...went to the ball game. Home...I was too tired to do anything when I got home. Standing on the cement floor in the concession at the stadium really does my knees in. But, it was fun.

Here I am, feet up, little kids in bed, happy to be home, but looking around at lots of stuff that needs to be done.

We have no milk, no popcorn, hardly any apples or fresh fruit....so tomorrow, grocery store. And clean the house. I do not like cleaning the house, but I like the house clean. :)

Oh. One more thing. Margaret was a nice big sister and made cupcakes with Charlotte Claire and Camille. Chocolate cupcakes. Oh my goodness, the heavenly aroma of baking chocolate....I did not have one. No sir. But before you start applauding, consider that on the way home from the baseball game today, I had a Mix In. If you don't know what a Mix In is, be happy. Because to know it is to love it. It is from Dunkin Donuts, and it is a large cup of soft serve ice cream with tiny miniature really cute baby M&M's in it. Mixed In. I wasn't going to get anything, just treat Joseph for going to the game instead of going to play practice, like he wanted. And Stevie and Adrian, boys from church, who really appreciate things like that. No, I was just going to buy, not HAVE. But. I had. And I ate the whole dang thing. So I skipped dinner. I don't know if it helps to cancel it out, but I did anyway.

Now I unravel the thoughts that led to me thinking it was fine to eat something horrid like that, I am pretty certain it was my consolation for working so hard, my celebration of a sunny day with friends, I earned that ice cream! But, that is not really true. I deserve to treat my body with respect, and eating ice cream is not good for me. Oh, at the baseball stadium, we are allowed to eat whatever we want when the game is over. There are fried chicken tenders with this sauce, called, "Boom Boom" sauce, oh joy. Today I ate a few of those, only two fries, no salt potatoes, no sausage and peppers, and not even a single bit of a pretzel or fried dough. Yup, fresh hot fried dough with cinnamon and sugar. I knew better than to have one bite, that stuff is just deadly good.

Anyway. All things considered, I guess the ice cream wasn't really that bad after all....

first world probs #salvation

What is salvation? Is it a one time deal, where we ask Jesus to forgive our sin, then just go on our merry way? Just go and do what we want, then ask for forgiveness again, because hey, no one's perfect? Nope. Not me. I totally believe that Jesus came to earth for a reason, and it was to open a way for us to follow. A way to victory.

Each and every little problem, whether I joke about them or not, is a testing of faith, really. Because it isn't really the "problem" that's the issue, is it? It is the sin that the "problem" stirs up in me. Am I tempted to get angry? To blame someone? To get even? To complain? No one sees when I chalk up something against someone. But seriously, if I were to keep doing that, what would be the result? Would it be pure love and fellowship? No sir. It would be bitterness. Hatred. Very bad stuff.

What is my point? Well, I guess that I need to get much more serious about my spiritual life. I cannot worry about offending anyone. I have to be bold, to live for God, and not care about what anyone thinks of me. I have to be free from that.

I am not ending my blog. I will still write. But, I will write honestly, about my journey through this life focusing more on what is my true heart's desire, which is to follow Jesus and be an overcomer, to be a helper to those who are sick and tired of being bound to their sin.

brunstad.org has some really good articles. I will still write about my daily life, about my battles....and you are still welcome to follow along!!

all sunshine and roses...

and rainbows and puppies. Not. I know, I live the charmed life. I often wonder what I muttered about before I heard of the twitter hashtag, "#firstworldprobs". Because seriously, the little things that bug me? Oh, our water is so hard and yucky after all that good hotel water. (in the hot shower washing my hair with Herbal Essence shampoo. poor me). Kathryn stole the washer before I even got in the door from our trip, and these sandy towels have to go in. The dogs woke me up at 6:30 am to go out. There are coffee grounds in the coffee, and I already added half and half and feel obligated to drink it. No one took care of the pool while I was gone, so all the progress I was making towards that sparkling clear pool...ugh.

poor poor me. Paul drove the whole way home. I offered to drive, but he said he didn't mind. I didn't mind either, I feel really self conscious when I drive with him, probably because he sighs and says things like, "We'll never get there."

Samuel has a weekend pass, so he can use his phone, and leave the base, finally, after being there since the beginning of February. He was on his way to I HOP this morning, in a taxi with 6 other guys, so of course I told him I hoped no one farted, to which he replied, "real mature, Ma.", to which I replied, "I forgot to tell you, I grew up while you were gone. Not. "

So he gets to be re-tested on Wednesday, which means if he passes, he graduates on Friday. Which means that if he passes, I have to jump in the car real quick and drive real quick, and get to Georgia by Thursday, so I can be awake on Friday morning to see him graduate. That means I will have to be sort of packed, with sort of a plan for the rest of the kids, with a crew of older kids willing to help with the drive....and if he doesn't pass, he will get re-tested next week. It's a good thing I am already a nail-biter! No lovely nails to ruin here! Sam says he won't get chaptered out of the Army just because of push-ups when he did everything else so well. I wonder if it has anything to do with the mess in Iraq, but I'm just sayin'. He says he will still get his post in Virginia. Oh the drama. And this is just with the one kid. :)

We have to leave in just a few minutes for our church conference, there are still teenagers in bed, and I have to pack us a lunch....

so relaxing!

The beach, the sun, the wind, the sand, the waves...mmmm.

At Fort Monroe yesterday...Paul with the four girls with us, and Jonathan.

Sunshine...on my shoulder...makes me happy. John Denver:)

Yesterday, we went to Virginia Beach. The waves were powerful! I got knocked down, so I made my way carefully out of that water and sat on my towel in the sand and watched Paul romp with the kids, waves rolling over their heads. I talked myself into going back in, but not for long. The waves were just too strong, my knees were killing me as I tried to stand up when they hit.

After a while we got hungry, so we packed up our stuff, brought it back to the van in the lot we paid seven dollars to park in, and went to McDonalds, where the cones were 69 cents. I had a McDouble without the bun, and a cone. Not terribly bad, but not what I like to eat these days. I also had a coffee which was yum. We walked up and down the main street, not buying any t-shirts or fudge or salt water taffy. Back to the hotel for a swim, and in the hot tub...then dinner time. Panda Express, orange chicken, yum, fried rice, lo mein, and steamed veggies.

This morning we went to the Virginia War Museum, then to the beach again. Hotel, pool and hot tub, then pizza and chicken wings for dinner.

No cooking, no cleaning, no remembering who needs to go where. Of course, I really miss the little girls. And the pups. And Mirielle and Joe and the other kids.

There are so many interesting things in this world. Yesterday on the way back from the beach, we were stuck in a traffic jam, the guy in the truck next to us was reading a book as he drove. We went across a huge drawbridge near Newport News, and through a tunnel under the water near Hampton Roads. Ships and helicopters and beautiful houses on the water. There is too much going on here to write more tonight. Sam has been messaging me, he should have his phone tomorrow to call me. He is being re-tested next week....

more pictures from the sunshine and warmth....

Jonny in the water....

Jon is having the most fun!

warm in the sun....

So off we went, all spontaneous-like, to Virginia, near Hampton. Near the Chesapeake, near the ocean. We were all packed, and the girls were so devastated about Sam. I had all my babysitting lined up for the little girls, and notes written, the girls had already told all their teachers they would be out all week...we couldn't just go back in the house and unpack!

So, we said eeny-meany-miny-mo, spun around three times with our eyes closed, and decided on Hampton.

The weather here is glorious and warm. Our hotel has an indoor pool and a hot tub. Yeah, we are pretty happy.

Except for we should be with Sam this week, and we can't be. We still don't know what will happen, but Ben just called me and said that Sam gets phone privileges this week in the evenings, and his phone card ran out and his credit card won't work, so Paul bought him one and sent the number. He should be calling us soon, after he talks to Ben. It will work out all right.

We do feel a tiny bit guilty having this unexpected sunny holiday, but...:)

It's not all sunshine and roses...wait, yes it is! I didn't have to make dinner for 12 people, we had pizza on the way to the beach. Dinner was chicken tenders from the grocery store, celery and carrots and cheese popcorn, and a half gallon of ice cream for the kids. Plus, this hotel has free fresh baked cookies in the foyer all afternoon! Oatmeal raisin. White chocolate chip/macadamia nut. So yes, right here right now, it's all sunshine and roses. :)

And thank you all so much for the kind thoughts and prayers toward Samuel. No mom likes to see her child disappointed, that's the hard part for me. But I believe he will get through this and be all right.