I feel fat and ugly. No, really. I am twenty pound heavier than I was at my lowest, and by lowest, I mean in the last few years. I mean since I decided Enough Is Enough. I don't mean like high school or anything. No sir, I have not gotten THAT low.
Anyway. Poor me, I have gained back some weight and it isn't fair! I didn't have a cupcake, I had no pastries when we were in Virginia, none of those yummy muffins from the breakfast buffet. Okay, so I did have a few of the evening cookies. And I had cheese popcorn, and yeah, a light beer or two. I know I can't count what I didn't have, that doesn't lose me any weight.
My body has changed, my metabolism is different, I cannot eat like a Normal Person. If I were to eat like one of my teenage girls, even for a day, I would gain it all back instantly. It isn't fair.
But what am I gonna do, cry about it? Stomp my feet? Give up and give in and just not care?
No. I am going to fight. I am going to fight because of my blood pressure, because of diabetes, because of heart attacks. I am going to fight so I can walk and move and do things with my kids. I don't want to end up in one of those electric carts in Walmart.
Those pounds have crept back on. And maybe last week I said I was going to be ever so radical and behave, and...no weight came off. But, today is today, and I cannot give up. Yeah, I know a good sign of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.
The thing is, I will behave and deny myself sometimes for a whole day! A whole long day, ignoring the hunger that creeps up in the evening, the whispers of popcorn, the longing for chocolate. And the next day, I haven't lost a pound from that long day of suffering! wah. poor me. So, as I am telling myself at this very moment, the key is endurance. It isn't just one day, it is my life. My new life. I need to feed my body good nourishing things, I need to move and work out when I don't feel like it. I have to. So what if my original zeal wore off and I got slouchy. So what! Today is a new day, and I get to make choices today.
I already know what donuts taste like, I already know they are good. I do not have to have a bite to confirm that.
I know that ice cream is superbly excellently yummy, too.
This summer my treats will be watermelon and cherries and cantaloupe. And to be honest, as I type this, that little voice that wants to sabotage me is jumping up and down, raising it's hand, saying, "What about corn on the cob, please please please? Can corn be a treat too?"
So I have my work cut out for me.
If you are skinny, or if you don't know what it's like to plan for two weeks ahead of a wedding how to avoid having a piece of cake, or if you don't pick up a bag of something and multiply just to make sure how many calories are in the whole bag, or if you decline dessert because you don't really like pie or you are just too full from dinner, you might well think I'm crazy. Maybe I am.
So don't give up. I want to endure in this, not grow weary of staying on the straight and narrow. I don't want to have excuses for rewarding myself. I don't want to be fooled into thinking that I deserve a treat.
This summer is going to be a good one. I won't sit on my rear end in my comfy chair while life passes me by.
This whole post reminds me of #firstworldprobs. seriously. poor me, there is too much good food!
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5 comments:
I so hear what you are saying. For the last 2 weeks I HAVE given up. Now it's back to the diet. So instead of a handful of jordan almonds, I only had 3. However I won a large tub of black licorice at a family bingo party yesterday and I hear the siren call.
Oh black licorice, yum. My problem is that I like everything that is bad for you, all sorts of candy attracts me. Once I had a friend over for lunch, and she was totally turned off by the kids' peanutbutter and Fluff (marshmallow spread) sandwiches. She said she hated marshmallows. I just sat there bewildered. Why can't I hate marshmallows? I don't know what to say about that licorice, perhaps open it when you have lots of kids or friends there who like it too? Or just eat it all and then it will stop bothering you? :)
Oh I feel your pain. My Mother is a slim woman with tons of energy and gobs of willpower! She taught me to love all the wonderful foods, like cream cheese, dark chocolate, pasta, pasta, pasta! The problem is that she has no trouble eating just a little of this and a smidgen of that!
I, on the other hand, can not walk away when there is anything left in the bowl, the plate or even the pot! I have no willpower, none! Nada! Zilch!
Don't give up! I am cheering for you! And you are an inspiration to a lot of us that are still trying to work up the energy to just move! Hang in there! You are setting a terrific example for your kids!
Maureen, some things just ain't fair, are they?:)
Your words have really inspired me today. I can so understand what you mean about being strong all day and then caving in at night, I have exactly the same issues. There is something about nighttime and the poor me syndrome. If I slouch around then poor me, some food will give me energy. If I am out and about then poor me I was so busy all night I deserve some food. Eating late at night is my worst problem. You describe exactly what happens with me.
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