it's the teeny tiny little things....

 This fine morning, I did something new:  I went to the pool, all by myself.  ALL BY MYSELF.  Yes, I walked down the deck steps, to the car (to be fair, Paul did move it to the front of the driveway for me!), and drove to the pool.  I could have gone around back and parked close, and called the desk, they would have unlocked the back door for me to come in, but I got a nice close parking spot, and decided to walk down the long sidewalk.  

This was the first time I was actually there during water aerobics class, since before the surgery.  It was so nice to be back!  I was able to do some of the things, but also was walking back and forth, just moving.  One of the nice ladies in class walked with me back down the sidewalk to my car:)

Next time, I'll go in the back door!  It has stairs, but it's a much shorter walk.

Now, since I've been home, I had a second coffee and sat here in my comfy chair.  Then I got up, took care of my wet swim stuff, put in a load of laundry, went on the exercise bike a little, just to get the stiffness out...then I vacuumed my room.  It had been way too long.  Of course I vacuumed for like ten minutes before I realized the vacuum wasn't working well, someone (probably me) had vacuumed up a big plastic bead.  Behind that bead:  dog hair, fuzz, dust, crumbs...ugh.  

Anyway.  I still need to vacuum the rest of the house, but I took another break.  I have to leave here in just a little while for PT, which is gonna be killer, after going to the pool, but I didn't want to call last minute and reschedule, AGAIN.  

Oh dear, it's snowing out!  Big fat flakes!  It was raining when I left the pool...I hope it doesn't get too icy.  

And, here it is, four in the afternoon, and I'm home from PT.   They tried a new thing, had me lie down with a bolster under the knee, and hold it up and tighten the thigh muscle, while the therapist poked and prodded around the knee...it's supposed to wake up the brain-nerve connection.  Well.  I proceeded to do the other lovely things that I do in PT, bike and balance board, leg press, leg lift thing...but they were nice and didn't make me do the stair stepper, since I had been to the pool.  Was it worth $88?  ha.  not really, but I don't feel ready to walk away from it yet, since I can't walk yet ha.

I came home from PT, checked the things in the dryer, made an afternoon coffee, then was walking to my chair, feeling pretty good about my busy day, when my knee...sort of buckled.  I didn't fall, but it is so disconcerting.  It seems to happen more when I'm really tired, and it does happen less and less, so that's good.  But dang!  

It's like it's saying Don't you get any ideas about saying things are going so much better!

Overall, I have no complaints.  Except for this:  Today when I was getting the vacuum cleaner, I had the thought to tell Cheryl about swim class, because she knew the lady who walked me out to my car, and it hit so hard, I felt a sudden flash of strong anger.  I didn't dwell in it.  I am not mad that she died.  But I partly am!  I do not like it, not one little bit.   I know that's the selfish part of me speaking, but it is what it is.  I miss her terribly.  Of course I do.  You don't love someone and care about them, and go on adventures with them, and do fun things with your kids together with them, coupon shop, and make the same dresses with the same patterns and collect the same toys for your kids, and laugh about the same things, sit in the sun together and solve the worlds' problems for years and decades, then boom, it ends and you're not sad!  I still am here, I am still alive, but I'm not whole anymore.    I can't imagine the days ahead without her.  

The depths of despair...that's what Anne Shirley told Marilla in Anne of Green Gables.  Cheryl and I liked to use that term.   I am not wallowing, no, I won't stay in those depths...but it is a process, and I do miss her like crazy.  My son Samuel always likes to say,  "Two things can be true at once", and in this case yes, I am sad and I miss my sister, but I am also very happy and thankful, if that makes sense.  

Ah well....it's What Are We Having for Dinner O'Clock, and I am envying all of you meal planners right about now...have a good evening!

joy!

 So yesterday after my big trip to the pool, I puttered around here, and tried to keep moving.  We had a ham in the refrigerator, a nice honey ham, spiral sliced.  I told the girls I was going to put it in the oven, make red-skinned baked potatoes, and some roasted Brussel sprouts.  Char was dubious, a ham, just for the four of us?  That got me thinking...so I put the menu out on the family chat, and offered anyone who wanted, could come to dinner...

Emily and Mariel ended up coming!  It was so very nice!  We ate dinner in the manner of young adults these days, in the living room all cozy, watching the Olympics!  I also chopped up six apples, put them in a baking pan with a mixture of brown sugar and cinnamon, and baked them up.  I had some with one small scoop of vanilla ice cream, when still warm from the oven...oh dear, so good.

We had such a good time, talking about things and critiquing the snowboarders.  We have a dear friend from church who passed away in the morning after Cheryl.  We're having a remembrance/celebration of life on Saturday, so we're planning for that, and remembering visits with him.

The younger girls are going on a trip to Ottowa for the weekend. When they're gone, it's a stark reminder of what's coming in the not too distant future.  We will be empty nesters.  Now, some older people count the days...we are not them.  The house comes to life when they are here, with their silly movie quotes and belting out Stevie Nicks.  They do their homework, then take a break with home made vodka pasta at two in the afternoon.  

I think I'm hanging on for dear life, to these days of still having "kids" at home.  I love them all dearly, of course, but these two younger ones are so lively and fun.  I know we aren't going to die of loneliness, because thankfully the older kids still come and visit and the grandchildren burst in the door and fill the house with fun.  But it's different.  

We have eighteen-going-on-twenty grandchildren all of the sudden!  8 boys, 12 girls.  The oldest is 12, then the rest are 8 and under.  Richly blessed, how did we get so blessed?  

So this fine morning, I decided today shall be a Pot Pie Day.  Chicken Pot Pie, to be exact.  I made four butter crusts to make two pies with tops and bottoms, then started on the filling...I chopped celery and carrots, and peeled six or seven potatoes, cubed them up.  I put chicken breast in the crockpot with rosemary, thyme, sage, salt, pepper, onion powder, minced onions, a dash of garlic.  I added all the veggies, and a little bit of water, then 32 ounces of chicken broth.  The pie doughs went into the refrigerator for a while...then later, I rolled them out, thickened up the filling with corn starch and flour, and made the pies.  On the tops:  salt, pepper, rosemary, then onto baking sheets lined with parchment.  

Sonja and Oscar came for dinner, and we watched some ice skating and half-pipe snowboarding.  Kaia is sitting up now!  She is also spitting up, but that is a whole 'nother story, ha.  

Now they've gone home, the kitchen is all cleaned up, and I'm tired.  I did my stair-stepper this morning, for 5 and a half minutes, and got on the bike several times.  My walking is still rusty, but getting incrementally better...I do not see the increments but I know they are happening.  

Tomorrow morning, pool again, then PT in the afternoon, this sounds rough!  Two weeks until Norway, two weeks from tomorrow!  You all have a good night!

this glass is half full!

 I just thought I would share that I went to the pool this fine morning, (and it IS a fine morning, sunny and 25 degrees! (-3.89c)).  I walked down that sidewalk without one knee buckle. I won't exaggerate and say it felt great, but it was smoother and not terrible.  (The funny thing was, Paul was walking with me, asked , "What's preventing you from just walking?"  well.  You tell me, then we'll both know.  ha.  I thought I was doing splendidly, too!)

Anyway.  I talked to lots of ladies, and I realize how much I've missed that part of going to the pool.  I was there before my swim class began, and leaving when they were arriving, but talked to different people there too.  

I put in a load of laundry when we got home, and now I'm sitting here with my feet up.  I am going to get on the exercise bike in a few minutes, so I don't get all stiff from the walking and swimming...if you could call it swimming:  I did kick my legs a little.  I mostly walked, forwards and backwards.  I swung my legs up and down and to the side and just moved.  It did feel better this time.

Charlotte Claire is doing an order pick up for me after her classes this morning, but I don't have a meal plan except for to use the chicken we have in the refrigerator.  We also have a ham I need to use.  We do have everything for pot pie, and for stir fry, so maybe we'll do both of those this week.  

I may have forgot to report that Paul took me out to dinner on Friday night!  We went to a place called The Angry Smokehouse.  He dropped me off, I crossed the road and was making my way up the little sidewalk toward the door, while he parked the car.  The maitre'd/host/seater-guy came right out and held the door for me, so I had to step up a step holding my cane and the door frame...I felt like SUCH and old lady.  I hobbled in, and he sat us down right at the first table, and it was super nice!  

In case you're wondering what we had, Paul had a burger, and I had a French dip made with beef brisket...it was ridiculously good.  Darius can smoke a better brisket though.  (yesterday he did indeed smoke a brisket, he brought me some, hot from the smoker, is there anything better?)

Anyway.  Today Paul has to bring his iPad into a shop, it's not turning on, so I'm going with him for the drive, getting out of the house is nice.  

You all have a good day, and thank you for visiting me here, to read the same old same old!

so...

 on Saturday morning, we did get to go to the Rec. center!  Paul drove me around back, and my good friend Janette unlocked the back door for me, so I had a shorter walk into the locker room!  There are stairs, but stairs aren't as daunting as a super long possibly slippery sidewalk.  

Into the locker room, teeny little cane-leaning steps...painstakingly slow.  One lady in there asked what I had going on, then replied, "In November?!  And you're walking like THAT?!"  yes.  yup.  mmm hmmm. She was actually quite nice, she had a knee replacement herself a few years back, and the recovery was so quick and easy.  Yas.  of course it was, ha.  I hobbled all the way across the pool area, then down the side, because like I grumbled about before, the entrance to the ramp going into the pool is at the exact opposite side of the huge-0 pool room as the locker room exit.  Walking down the ramp is no picnic, but the beautiful black five dollar water shoes helped, gave me some traction, thank you for the suggestion!  

I walked in that pool, forwards and backwards.  I lifted my legs up sideways and front ways, and I paddled a little.  Here's the honest and sad truth:  it didn't feel great.  The new knee just feels jangly in the water.  I want it to feel smooth and painless, but not yet, I guess.  

Then, I walked back up the ramp, feeling even heavier than on the way down, ha.  Back into the locker room, a shower, got dressed, and made it back down the stairs out the back door to the car...ahh, I did it.  There isn't such a triumphant feeling when you know you barely did it!  But, I did it!

Sam and Grace stopped over on their way home from a two day little vacation, and stayed until after dinner.  Margaret and Adrian came over with their little ones, and Kathryn came over with hers.  Evelyn came, and Sonja with Kaia.  12 grandchildren in one day!  They had their corn dogs, and we made the ice cream sundaes:  Sam scooped the ice cream, I put the brownies on the plates, Wulf put the squirty whipped cream and chocolate sauce on, Grant manned the sprinkles and mini M&M's.  (Then the two boys got to make their "masterpieces" for being such good helpers!)

We had our stew for dinner, and there was just enough, although Emily came over later, and I'm not sure she got much in her bowl. I always try to gauge how much to make for dinner, and I ask ahead of time who is going to be there, and don't always get a response from everyone.  It's my kryptonite, my weakness, what I have bad dreams about:  not having enough.  I think it stems from having 16 children, and having to feed them dinner every single night, ha.  I wasn't always the best planner, and standing there with the refrigerator door open, trying to figure out what I had enough of...

Anyway, like the fishes and the loaves, everyone had enough to eat.  The stew was super good, in my humble opinion.  Beef prices are ridiculous, but I just crave a hot bowl of beef stew in the wintertime.  The kids brought fresh bread, some heart shaped cut out cookies, and other snacks, and drinks too.  

So this fine morning, it was time to get ready for the baby shower.  I don't have many pictures, but it was lovely.  

Two little helpers, cousins Rhys and Ruth, delighted in Aunt Rosi's baby gifts.  

Margaret's cookies!

Mariel's cookies!

Camille (and my) cake!  I didn't get a pic of the brownie bites...they were super good though.  

Ah well.  Today's walking wasn't the best quality, but I did manage to get from one place to another...tomorrow is another day, and we're planning to go to the pool again!  ugh, but...yay!  Does that make sense?  Have a good night!

and we didn't get to go...

 ...to the pool this morning.  Paul had too many work calls.  Our pool is only 9 minutes away, and I'm thankful for it, but...the hours it's open, dang:  Monday, Wed., Friday closes by ten a.m.  Opens back up every day Monday-Friday at five until 8:30...BUT:  the swim team practices, followed immediately by another local school's swim team because their own pool is being redone.  So you can go, and maybe get a little corner of the pool to swim in, but it's crazytown.  It is open until noon on Saturdays, so we are going to give it a try in the morning.  

This fine day, I washed a load of clothes, did some dishes, and went on the stair stepper for 5 1/2 minutes.  I went on the exercise bike a few times, straightened up a few things, puttered, and here I sit.  

Accountability!  My walking is still not great...I took one step this morning, on my way to go down to use the stair stepper, and it didn't land right, and it hurt.  I still feel so peg legged and unbalanced.  Trying to focus on that half full glass isn't always my first reaction.  It's like a lose-lose sometimes, the more I walk and try to practice, the more sore and achy  I get, but I do know that it's temporary, and I have to do it to build endurance.  

If I had a nickel for every time I thought of something to tell Cheryl, I'd be out buying a new car.  dang.  I knew she had cancer, knew it spread, knew she was tired, yes, I knew.  But I thought this past hospitalization was just another blip, and that she would come back from it...all those things I was storing up to say to her, naively thinking we still had time...dang.  

She wouldn't want me to be sad, and I'm not walking around here hanging my head.  It's just those gut punches when I remember, and the things she would appreciate, and the knowledge that she's gone...my heart aches.

Here, though, is some cuteness:

Camille...darling angel, the cherry on top, my very last little baby.  She is 18 now, how?

Suzanne Eleanor, Jonathan Robert, Sonja Kathleen, and little Camille...not so very long ago!

Miss Charlotte Claire and Miss Camille Anaya...#15 and #16 (well, not including baby Robert...that would make them #16 and #17, but that's too confusing).  The two of them are still besties.  

They're at work today, going to a Valentine's party this evening, working tomorrow...tomorrow I'm having some kids and grandkids over, and going to the pool and frosting the cake, and making brownie bites and frosting them...oh boy!  Maybe I'll get those brownies made today.  

Yes, I have been very blessed, extremely.  :). You all have a very happy Valentine's Day!  

may as well!

 I wasn't going to write anything today, because everything is the same old same old.  I woke up, got my coffee, sat in my comfy chair...then went on the stair stepper for seven minutes, yay me.  

I rested a bit, went on the exercise bike, rested, had another coffee, washed some dishes, and vacuumed.  So exciting I can't even stand it!  I did talk to both Kathryn and Margaret on the phone, and texted Sonja.  

Charlotte Claire went to her college classes this morning, and is stopping at Aldi for me on the way home.  I realized that when the grandkids are here on Saturday, it'll be Valentine's Day, so I want to make it special for them.  Ice cream sounds good in February, right?  

Dinner tonight:  smashburgers.  Why do they taste so good?  Iron frying pan, caramelized onions, beef patties smashed down into crispy thinness, lots of freshly ground pepper, salt...maybe a little bit of melted cheese...mmm.  

Camille is making the most beautiful merengues for a Valentine's party she's going to, I'll get a pic when I get up.  

I was going to make a list of things that bug me, but I have forgotten what was bugging me, and THAT bugs me.  One thing though that I absolutely despise:  the death penalty.  I just can't.  no way, no how.  How can it not totally negatively effect anyone who has a part in carrying it out?  How can it possibly be helpful for victims' families?  It is barbaric.  Most of those people are on death row for years!  It seems that most of them have apologized and repented, what good does it do to strap them down and kill them?  I also hate when hard working immigrants are rounded up and deported.  They've been practically invited to waltz over the border in previous years.  They came, the built lives, got jobs.  I am not talking about criminals or gang members.  Mariel works with a few guys who were deported, they bought a house, had good jobs, were doing all the paperwork they were supposed to be doing.  A local mom worked at a nutrition bar company here in town, she was sent to a detention center without her 13 and 15 year old sons, they decided to join her, and are all back in El Salvador...she was working, they were doing extremely well in school...why?  

This isn't political, it's just how I feel. 

Anyway.  It's a few hours later, and we didn't have smashburgers for dinner.  Paul had to leave, so he made himself some eggs, he's the one who likes those burgers the most, so they're on hold until tomorrow night.  I made bacon and eggs for Cam and I, and Char had some cheddar sausages.  

Camille is going to band practice tonight, she plays the violin.  Charlotte is going to make some chocolate covered strawberries for their party tomorrow.  I am going to help her.  :). 

I'm hoping to go to the pool tomorrow...if it warms up a little and isn't as snowy and slippery out there...:)

today is Wednesday....

...and I'll cry if I want to.  :). This fine day, I have a tooth infection.  It's a molar that needs to be pulled, and it's not a new story.  The dentist gave me antibiotics a few years back, it cleared it up, he said I could ruminate on the tooth, it wasn't an emergency to pull it since the antibiotics worked so well.  I have had no issues with it for almost two years, then this week...it flared up again.  So, I called the dentist and wrangled a script for amoxicillin, which does NOT agree with my tummy.  So I ordered some probiotics from Amazon, which should come tomorrow.  See, I have an exciting life!  (I'm telling you, one single dose and I was running down the hall, TMI!)

Okay.  not running.  limping.

I went to PT today.  It was a very snowy day, so I wimped out on going to the pool.  I would have had to drive myself, park the car, hobble across the parking lot, then up the big sidewalk...and when it's snowy and icy, well, nope.  Sometimes it's impossible to get a good parking spot too.

So I stayed home, then went to PT.  It was the usual, I measured right around 120, which if fine, the leg is straight, I did all the exercises, and walked all around without the cane.  Now, this is what I was absolutely dreaming of a few months ago, remember?  It's wobbly and not smooth at all, and sometimes that new knee just give out a little, and the old knee stiffens up and creaks, but...I can do it.  I need to practice practice practice, and keep doing my exercises.  And:  be thankful!!!!  I hate that streak of pessimism!  The glass shall be half full, and stay that way!  It shall runneth over!  I am where I am!  

I vacuumed today.  Now, that may not seem like much.  But it IS much.  Not too long ago, I was all tangled up with the walker and the cord, and had to vacuum in like three small sessions.  Today, I did part of it without using the cane!  It's still more challenging than it used to be, but I can do it.  Enough with the dissatisfaction, right?  

There was also laundry today, two loads...I washed some dishes, made dinner:  pulled pork nachos.  I helped Camille make the vanilla cake.  Well, she did all the work...it looks lovely, and is in the freezer.  We will frost it/decorate it sometime for Sunday's baby shower for Jonathan and his wife Rosi. They are having a baby girl in the beginning of April, grandchild #19!   I'm also going to make some mini brownie bites, which we'll decorate prettily.  

Miss Char did an order pick up for me today, after her classes.  It's so super easy!  Now we have stew beef, and burger, and mini M&M's. Crackers and cheese and chips and dip and mini peppers and mini carrots, for the shower Sunday.  

Yesterday, Molly came over with little Denzel, who is two and a half.  He had a lot of fun dumping out all the toys and eating a few treats from the candy dishes.  I didn't even think to take pictures!  He is SO cute.  Then Kathryn came in with Achilles, Rhys, Jamie, Ellis.  How lucky am I?

Ah well.  You have a nice evening!!!

  

 

harrumph!

Well.  I finally went to Target today, after more than three months.  It was a lot of walking, and my new knee didn't love it.  It only buckled twice, and I didn't fall, but it takes the confidence away.  I was walking pushing the cart, aka holding on for dear life.  No, I can stand without holding on to anything, and take a step or two, but I was leaning on the cart.  Anyway.  It's a long way around the outside of Target, I didn't go down too many aisles.  I bought one pair of sweatpants marked down to nine dollars, a bra for Miss Char, a phone case for one of the girls, a bag of mozzarella and parmesan cheese.  That's it.  

I took the girls to Chik-fil-a, through the drive through, then to Aldi.  They ran in, I was out of steam.  On the way home, I vented my frustrations a bit:  I didn't do as well as I had hoped I would.  It was tiring, and I didn't trust my surgical leg.  I went all out, said I feel like a failure, and like I'm not doing enough.  Well.  They straightened me out, thankfully.  When I stop to count my blessings, I know I'm doing better.  I can walk with a cane.  It's not great, and I'm not going long distances, but I can do it.  I can walk up and down stairs, if there is a railing and I have the cane.  I can go on the stair stepper and on the exercise bike. and can squat down much better than I could pre surgery, although my "old' knee protests.  I'm sleeping better, and I'm not having too much pain.  Not too long ago, I thought these things would never happen.  So it is better. 

When I think about the weeks on the walker, when I was totally dependent on Paul, Cheryl was also walking with a walker and totally dependent on Bill.  She never fully recovered her strength after her first fall in September, so we were on our walkers at around the same time.  We had some laughs about how it is to have to ask for help, and to be thankful to them when you don't always feel thankful, because no one does things the way you would do it.  There were conversations about not being able to take even one step without those contraptions, we were kind of in the same boat.  I knew deep inside that it was much different, because it didn't seem very hopeful that she would get stronger, and that made me feel really bad.   She was a very good example in not complaining about things too.  :)

This was also the first time I put my Levi's on in over three months!

Miss Cam and Miss Char...

I wrote that yesterday, and this fine morning:  I had my morning coffee after using the little peddler a bit, then got on the exercise bike and loosened up, then on with the sneakers and down the stairs to the stair stepper.  I made myself stay on for five AND A HALF minutes!  That extra 30 seconds, well, it's not so pleasant.  But progress, right?

Then, I moseyed on up for a second cup of coffee...and here I am.  Molly is coming for a little visit with Denzel, and Kathryn might come over with Achilles, Rhys, Jamie, and Ellis.  Char just left for college, in the snow, and Cam is doing work at her desk in her room.  

Last night, I had a wicked call-my-sister moment.  I had things to tell her, still subconsciously racking them up!  I used to have a time in the afternoon that I though of as call Cheryl 0'clock.  She had a terrible sleep schedule, she couldn't sleep at night, and got her few hours in the morning, but at two or so, it would be a good time to call her.  We didn't talk every day, but dang it, every day around that time I thought of it, of calling her, or she would call me...sometimes I would have the kids here or be in a store, she would sometimes be busy too...we would usually text first, "Are you home?"  

They say you live and learn, and my goodness, if we lived until we were like 300, we would have so much wisdom.  It's useless to have regrets when someone dies, but of course those thoughts sneak in:  that last time we were together, why didn't I go talk to her sooner, stay longer?  Why didn't I visit her more?  The last few months she was really doing poorly, I was not so mobile yet, so I don't think I could have done much more, but...you know.  Now it seems like a whirlwind, the times we had together.  We know life is short, and people don't live forever, but we don't REALLY know it.  

When she first told me that her cancer was back, and we knew it was terminal, I refused to think about it.  Because how could I live without her?  The first time she got really sick in September, she came back...she was not back to strength physically, but she was fully herself mentally, and was as funny and lively as ever, yet more serious about being thankful for everything.  So I think this past time she was hospitalized, in January, I thought we had more time with her...she would get better, and we would talk, and she would have more time.  

I kind of knew this wasn't really the case.  I saw her pallor, and hands shaking and her weakness, in December at one of our Christmas celebrations.  I didn't want to know, but I knew.  She had no appetite, and felt awful, yet she was still so happy to be with her friends and family.  Then she got sick again, and confused, and her clarity never returned, 100%...I thought it would.  I didn't know that my last conversation at the end of December would be our last real conversation.

I'm okay, but I'm not okay.  I cry at the drop of a pin, and yet, I am full of thankfulness.  God has been so good and merciful, and the promises we have cannot be compared to the sufferings we endure.  But I miss her immensely.  I have not even processed this part yet, this life that goes on without her...it does make me want to just be good to my kids and grandkids and to Paul and not let any bitterness seep in, to keep my thoughts pure, and be faithful in the hidden, to use my time in a good way, and be an example.  

Sorry!  I didn't mean to write a downer.  She wouldn't want us to be sad!  Oh, knock it off!, she'd say!  Don't waste tissues, those are expensive!   

You all have a very nice Tuesday, and thank you for being my friends.  :). 
 

it's never easy...

 We had calling hours, and a celebration of life for my sister.  It's not easy, I cannot even fathom the days ahead. Yet knowing she is done with her suffering and is in that great cloud of witnesses is a comfort.

Her seven daughters read parts of her eulogy, here is some of it:

You may not be able to decipher it, oops.  

We heard from so many who were genuinely touched by Cheryl's friendship and the living example she was of faithfulness.  

This is how I will remember us!  :)

It was a frigidly cold weekend, hovering around or below zero.  We had a gathering here after the calling hours on Friday night, Emily brought a Wegman's cake and lots of good snacks, and we talked about Cheryl.  We were exceptionally close, even more so in the earlier years of parenting, we went on all our adventures together.  My older kids especially thought of her as a second mother.  It did my heart good to hear their tales, and we had some really good therapeutic laughs too, which Cheryl would wholeheartedly approve of.

Saturday was an exhausting day, yet a wonderful day.  Cheryl's girls and their husbands were all there, even Claire from Australia.  There were around 200 of us at the celebration of life feast, and we had a nice meal catered from one of her favorite restaurants, along with salads made by Nate and Emily, and some others.  Dessert HAD to be donuts, which Sonja went and picked up in the horrible snowy weather (the wind was blowing something fierce, and the roads were just snow covered, the plows didn't help much, and salt didn't work in the freezing temps).  There was also cheesecake, which was one of her faves.  

Sunday was a freezing cold quiet day, started out at negative two, and only went up to seven.  We stayed home and Camille made this: 

We made pulled pork nachos too, and had some girls over to watch the game.  They had chicken wing dip and cannoli dip (thank you Ashley!!!), and some other dips and snacks and lots of good drinks.  Yes, we watched Bad Bunny, and meh, it wasn't anything to write home about, but it wasn't really bad, in my non-partisan opinion.  I hate the great divide, to tell the truth.  Taking sides and bashing, I'm done with it.  The world is a train wreck in so many aspects, speeding toward's it's demise, but God's promises are rock solid, and we have such a hope if we lift our vision.  People in politics are just people, and people, by nature, are corruptible, honor seeking, stepping on each other to rise up.  They're greedy for all the things that are temporary.  

Then there's Orange Guy.  He doesn't worry about a thing, he just enjoys life.

Brrr!

Sonja and baby Kaia spent the weekend with us!  Waking up and having baby time was golden.

She's so funny!  She loved the buttons on my sweater.  :)

Ah well.  This fine morning, I got on the exercise bike for a few minutes, just to loosen up, then I put my sneakers on and went down to Camille's room for five minutes on the stair stepper.  I did it yesterday too.  It's a measly five minutes, but I'd rather be doing it steadily every day for a small amount of time and build up, then do too long...oh, I have good excuses ha.  

This fine day it's freezing out, but it's 12! (-11.11c), and sunny, so it is a good day!  So....guess what I'm doing today?  I'm going to Target!  I have not been there in over three months!  Charlotte Claire will drive, Cam and I will passenger, and hopefully I'll make it partway across the store!  I need to get out, I need to build endurance!  My walking is still very dismal!  

You all have a very good Monday, and thank you all for your comments on here, it's so special to me. :)

oh ho I would be in jail!

If I lived in the U.K....I just read that they arrest people for controversial social media posts.   12,000 people last year.  Can you imagine having the police knock at your door for that?  If you hurt someone's feelings, or post something satirical, or criticize the government...ugh.  

In other news:  I drove today!  Ha, the first time in three months!  I want to get back to the pool, so Paul put up a railing on the front steps so I can theoretically get out of the house on my own.  The sidewalk can be holy-heck-ers, so he has snow blown a big chunk of the front yard, and pulls in pick me up. (how nice is that?:). Anyway.  Today we went to physical therapy, and I drove home!  

PT today:  the usual usual, but I told them I was going to be down to once a week, which they totally understand, because it's like ninety bucks a session, with the new year and new deductible.  But, I have my instructions:  get to the pool.  Walk, walk backwards, stand on one leg, just get into that pool...he wants me to go twice before I go back to my next PT.  

So, tomorrow morning...if all goes well...I will venture to that pool.

And, now it is tomorrow morning.  And:  I did go to the pool!  I WENT TO THE POOL!!!!  Remember when I thought I'd be able to get back to it in three weeks?  And it's actually been three months?  Paul was going to the gym, so he dropped me off at the sidewalk, but let me tell you about this sidewalk:  it is very long.  It was nice and clear of snow and ice, but it is a long walk.  I hobbled slowly in the 12 degree weather.  Into the locker room, put my stuff away, took off my outer clothes as I had my suit on, and hobbled into the pool room.  This pool has a handicapped ramp, which is wonderful, but it is on the exact opposite corner of the room.  You come out of the locker room, and have to walk to the far corner to access it.  Hobble hobble hobble.  Plus, it was wet and slippery.  (Paul suggested water shoes, which I might get).  Down the ramp, and ahh, the water was warm!  I didn't do much, didn't really swim, just walked back and forth, lifted my leg, stood on one leg, reveled in being in the water.  Truthfully, my new knee feels janky and cranky and mechanical in the water, but everything else felt lovely.  Then up the ramp, across the pool area...I stopped to talk to the lifeguard.  Don't feel sorry for me,  I said.  I'm not in pain, just going slowly so I don't fall.  I'm doing much better than I was even a few weeks ago, and I'm so glad to be back.   

It was nice to see the swim class ladies, they are all so nice and kind. I saw the lady who had her replacement a mere two weeks before mine, she's been back to class for over a month now, and she walks like I do in my dreams. She is ever so kind, and I'm glad for her.   I went before the class, and was getting back into the locker room to leave, when they were all coming in before the start.  Maybe next week I'll join the class, I don't know.  But I need to go again, before PT on Wednesday. 

I wish I could say it was a piece of cake and I can't wait to do it again.  What I can say is:  I'm glad I went, but it was very challenging, and slow going, and I felt like an old lady.  I feel like I've run a marathon.  But, if I'm going to get back in shape to be able to prance around Costco again, I need to do these things.  And, four weeks from now I'll be in Norway!  So I NEED to move it-move it!  

Today is the day of the calling hours for my sister.  What can I say about this?  Yesterday I was ready to tell her about going to the pool, not so many years ago, she would have been going with me.  My heart just aches, and I can't believe she's really gone.  After we go to the funeral home, we'll come back here and some of the kids will come over.  Then there are services tomorrow morning, then a church feast in the afternoon, which will be extremely good, with friends from all over coming.    

Ah well.  Time to get moving.  It's rather good I can't sit for too long without the knee starting to ache, it makes me get up and get going.   You have a lovely day.  

 

today....

 ...is a gift.  I stayed home, which is what I do these days, and vacuumed.  I washed some dishes, wiped down the table and some counters, and put the dining room tables back where they belong, after being rearranged for dinner on Sunday.  It all sounds so busy, but believe me, I did it in fits and starts.  I cannot sit for very long before my knee aches, so I get up and do some things.  Then I need to sit down, and on it goes.  

This post was written yesterday.  I was going to change the title, but today is also "today".  I was also going to change the title to "I can't."  I keep finding myself saying that.  For example, on Friday evening, there are calling hours for my sister.  I can't.  I have opened my house for my siblings to visit, as well as my kids, and I almost texted Cheryl about the usual:  the dread of having to clean...then I remembered, and I said, I can't.  I went into Camille's room today to use the stair stepper. 

I wanted to tell Cheryl.  

I browsed Marketplace, and there was a Little Tikes mansion dollhouse for free.  I wanted to send it to Cheryl.  Evelyn and Nate bought some chocolate coconut almonds from Trader Joe's for me, I wanted to tell Cheryl about them.  I walked across the living room and back without my cane.  Charlotte Claire got 100% on her college quizzes, and dissected a fetal pig.  Vacuuming is easier with the cane than with the walker.  so. many. things.  all, day, long.  

I can't even write this.  I can't.  Life without Cheryl seems like a big joke.  Life WITH Cheryl was sometimes also a big joke ha, but.  The laughing and crying seem to be all mixed together.  She was so funny.  

The thought of this whole weekend is heartbreaking.  Her girls, her grandchildren (29!), Bill.  I know she is in a better place, and that she fought the fight of faith.  And I know that when we get together and remember her life and her faith, we will be strengthened and encouraged. 

 One of her favorite songs:

Just think though to actually and truly have that mindset:  "let come what may, upon my way, I'll give my life each day."   This is knowing full well that God sends all things for my very best. 

Ah well.  Time to get up and get moving again...you all have a good day!

pictures....

My sister Cheryl and her husband Bill...

Me, with Cheryl

Our older brother Bob, Cheryl and I...

2019, on the beach at the fjord in Norway...

I'm guessing this was Halloween?  

Out to lunch for her birthday a few years back...

This past summer, she made it up to the beach while we were camping!

It was unbelievable!  I was so happy to have her there!  We camped there by ourselves with like 18 of our kids, years ago...our husbands had to work, so they set us up, and we camped with the kids!  (With my 16 and her 7, we were busy...I didn't have all of mine yet then though!). 

This was taken in the fall, this past year, Cheryl and Bill and their seven daughters.   (Thank you for the pictures, girls! :))

I didn't go to PT today.  I had a headache.  One of those headaches that pound when you do anything, then settle a little when you settle a little.  I rode the bike, and the little peddler, and did some other exercises, and it wasn't fun.  So I canceled PT.  I am a bit of a wreck anyway.  Not in the deep depths of despair, but rather sad.   I'm still very unsteady on my feet, but you know what?  I can take some steps unassisted!  This was unheard of just weeks ago!  Two weeks ago, I stopped using the walker, and could barely survive using the cane!  I'm not 100% yet, but it's getting better: 

Of course I lost my balance while Char was taking the video, but I didn't want to retake it because she was doing homework, and I was just done doing dishes and wanted to sit down.  Wobbly, but hopeful, that's me.  

Thank you, everyone for all your kind words.  It really warms my heart.  You have a good night!

 

heaven gained a good one...

 ...my dear sister has gone home to her Lord and savior, has finished her race here.  I was blessed and honored to be there while she passed.  On Wednesday, she was supposed to go to the cancer doctor to try a different med to stop tumor growth, but it wasn't to be.  She was too sick, and hospice care was recommended.  I visited with her, she knew me, and after I said goodbye, she called out "Del!", and I went back to talk with her.  That's when I told her I love her and she said she loved me too.

On Thursday, I didn't make it over to see her, Emily was there with her in the evening and said she was more comfortable, she had a new hospital type bed, and was less agitated.

Friday, I got up and made another batch of cookies, and brought them over.  Cheryl knew I was there, but wasn't really speaking anymore.   She was a bit uncomfortable, and the hospice nurse came to check her over, and she got a dose of medicine, then settled down.  Our siblings came to see her, and some of my older kids, and five of her daughters were there, with a few of her older grandkids, and a few of the babies.  It was getting late, and I was going home with three of my daughters.  I went to Cheryl, and held her hand, and told her goodbye, I had to go, and she knew me, she heard me.  She couldn't speak, but she knew me.   I got my shoes on, then was called back in...something was happening....her breathing had slowed down.  We started to sing, "Oh my God, my Jesus, my heart does long for thee...and that home so fair, that thou dost for me prepare...", and her breathing stopped.  It was very peaceful.  One by one we started to pray and thank God for such a good mother, sister, wife, friend....we thanked God for giving her to us, and for taking her for eternity so mercifully.  

It was the absolute saddest thing ever.  But also so good, if that makes any sense.   It was so much better than if her husband was there alone with her.  Emily came over and confirmed that she was gone, before hospice was called.  It was deeply moving and sad, and I feel all hollowed out, my best friend in the whole world has passed on.   I came home, took a shower and went to bed, and could not get warm for hours.  I think I was in shock.  When I woke up, I cried and cried and cried.  I cried because I don't want to live out my days without her.  I know she's in a better place.  But it still hurts like crazy.

Kathryn came over today, and brought flowers and chocolate covered almonds, and popcorn.  Achilles, who is six years old, explained it to me:  It's because you're sad, because your sister is dead, and when you die, we won't see you ever again.  (honestly, kids are quite refreshing!).  Sonja came over with baby Kaia, and we had a good day.  I made beef stew and mashed red skinned potatoes.  Char and Cam were here too.  Then five of Cheryl's girls, my nieces of course, came over so we could try to put together a eulogy.  

Countless times already today I've chalked up something to tell her, then had the punch-in-the-gut remembrance that I won't be telling her.  It hurts my heart to see her girls so bereft.  They were so very close, she was their best friend as well as their mother.  

I can't write any more tonight...thank you all for kind words and prayers....

(This was last September for her birthday, Cheryl and I....)

more and more cold and snow...

 There is a small city north of us, right on the bottom corner of Lake Ontario, and this small city got an additional 1-2 feet of snow last night.  You would never believe they were shoveled out yesterday, by the looks of things today.  New York state has declared the city a state of emergency, the kids have missed four days of school this week.  We have only had four inches or so last night and today, but it is cold.  brrr.

This fine morning, I made myself go downstairs and go on the stair stepper.  I went on the exercise bike, and did some other random mundane exercises.  My goal:  to build endurance, and of course to walk again like a normal person.  This can only be accomplished by just doing it, Nike had it right with that slogan.  If I waited around until I felt like it, um, well.  Having the goal of going to Norway is fire for me, fire lit right under my lazy bum.  

I managed to vacuum today, although shh, I did it in two shifts.  Endurance doesn't happen instantaneously.  Nothing does, with me.  I still didn't put the vacuum away...oops.  

This has been a tired day.  Getting up in the night to use the bathroom, then getting back in bed, getting comfy, and waiting for sleep to return...thinking about Cheryl, praying for her, doing some crying, which I somehow do in the middle of the night...then I finally chilled out and felt sleep sneaking up on me, and Sunny started whining.  She wouldn't stop, it was clear she wanted to go outside, so I pulled back the warm covers, and into the cold air, down the hallway, to let her out.  ugh.  I had been awake for almost two hours by this time, so when I finally settled in and went back to sleep, I decided that I was going to sleep in.  Paul got up early and started work, I went back to sleep until 8:30...:)

oh, the trials, ha.  (all those years of getting up with babies, I do feel for the young mamas...)

Anyway.  Camille is going to make chicken curry for dinner, and jasmine rice.  

Orange Guy being insolent and disrespectful to his mother...

It's snowing again.  I will be glad to see spring this year.  I'm thinking of that feeling of sun on my skin.  But every thought I think, I think about my sister.  Our main phone calls in the last several years were when one of us called the other and asked, "Are you sitting in the sun?"  God numbers our days, and has count of the very hairs of our heads, but we love so fiercely and so deeply, we connect with each other and enjoy our times and conversations and outings and adventures, it's no wonder our hearts are just broken when those things come to an end.  I honestly feel as I cannot live without her.  I simply cannot fathom it.  I know it's not all about me, but this is how I feel.  She has started some meds that have helped her relax more, which is a blessing.  I am hoping to get there again tomorrow to see her.  

Thank you for kind thoughts and prayers for Cheryl.  Have a really good evening.  

is that blue sky?

 

We got so much more snow last night!  I don't know how I'm going to manage getting down the sidewalk to the car to go to PT, but it won't help worrying about it.  But shh, tell my body that.  ugh.

I'd like to say I'm glad to be getting out of the house, ha.  I would also like to say I am making progress by leaps and bounds, but more like inches and hopes.  I won't be publishing this post until after PT, because I'm sure you'll all want a run down of how it goes.  

Remembering the feeling of when I absolutely first tried to take steps without the walker, and how it is now, yes, there is progress.  When I stand up and look at the large expanse of flooring I need to navigate to get to the hallway, I still hesitate, get my bearings, say a prayer, and start in.  Sometimes my left foot drags along, sometimes I get some good steps, but I still rely heavily on the cane.  I can stand on my feet without support and swivel around and get things, but to take actual steps, I need it still.  

Anyway.  Sonja was here yesterday with baby Kaia, and I got to hold her a few times.  She is a strong baby, and not easy to get to sleep, as she is so aware and interested in everything.  She is funny and the way she just scans over everything she sees, like she's taking inventory...she is also scooching and rolling over.    

This is Maeve, playing outside...they live near Lake Ontario, so they got a bit of snow!  

Auntie Camille and baby Kaia...it was just yesterday Cam was a baby like that...

Now it is evening, and I've been to P.T.  (The sidewalk was nice and clear, thanks to Paul, but it was still hard to navigate! ) I walked in, and Steve the therapist looked at me with utter disapproval. I was dragging and limping and hopping... Let's do something different today, he said.  So.  He had me walk without the cane, with a belt thing that he could hold onto, as he walked behind me and said things like lift those knees up higher!  Take big steps, you won't fall!  Walk faster!  Stay in the middle of the hallway!  Don't swing your arms, just walk!  It really worked.  I was able to walk.  Full disclosure:  my knee did buckle a few random times, but I didn't fall.  He said it just happens, and I can catch myself.  He gave the cane back, and had me walk taking bigger steps and doing heel to toe, and it was much better.  

I did all the regular exercises, and a new one, which was kind of hilarious, something out of my bad dreams:  a low reclining board like the leg press, but lower...where you push against your foot, using your body weight.  Getting on and off it were a middle aged fat lady's nightmare.  The sad part though was that I couldn't wait to tell Cheryl.  

We went to visit Cheryl after PT.  Paul snow blowed their driveway while I visited.  Cheryl isn't doing so well, but when I held her hands and told her I love her, she said, I love you too.  Then I told her she was my favorite person in the whole world, and she said something I couldn't understand.  She has some confusion, due to medical issues.  My heart.  

And.  that's all I have to say today.  Pray for Cheryl, that she doesn't suffer, and that God finishes His work in her, and that her husband is strengthened in his faith, and is able to endure these days.  

a lil lull....

 It's not actively snowing out right now, but it is very cold.  The house is bright!  I don't have PT today!  I vacuumed, not the entire living space, but a good bit of it, it's easier without the walker.  I have a load of clothes in the dryer, and I'm resting up, so I can go down the stairs and go on the stair stepper, ugh.  

Yesterday was a snow day.  In person college was cancelled for Charlotte Claire, so we had a cozy day.  They still had to do their work online, but they were both here.  I have to try hard to behave myself when they are cuddled with their laptops doing school, that I don't randomly chat and start topics and distract them.  

They're playing SIMS, on Sunday.  

Camille loves to make merengue, here are some mixed berry pies...so yummy!

Last night for dinner, I made a chicken pot pie, it was packed full of yum:  small chunks of potato, celery, carrots, mixed veggies, tons of chicken, cooked up in a broth and seasoned with sage, thyme, rosemary, salt, pepper, garlic...we like to sprinkle salt, freshly ground pepper, and rosemary on the top, too, before it goes in the oven.  The crust is all butter pie crust, and it's melt in your mouth good.  I didn't take a picture of it, but it was SO good, half the fun is the aroma while it bakes on a cold winter's night.

This fine day, Kathryn is coming over for a visit with the kids.  She hasn't been here in a few weeks because they were on vacation in Florida.  

Okay, so I just did my seven minutes on the stair stepper.  It's downstairs, so I obviously had to go down the stairs too, and back up, then I stopped in the laundry room to change things over and put in another load.  Then to fix another coffee, and here I am, all cozy in my comfy chair again, with my feet up.  I am not seeing much progress, it's almost like I'm going backwards, because my non-surgical leg is starting to protest a little...the foot hurts, the knee groans and creaks...I feel like I'm racing against it, my new knee had better start pulling more weight before the old one fails.  Also, that old hip bursitis is making itself known, in random whispers...I want to shut it up before it screams, I know I need better form and less jolting on that surgical leg, more smooth steps, less Frankenstein.  

Yesterday I got on the exercise bike three times, and pushed myself to do those intermittent exercises.  I need to really pick up the pace and get moving, if I'm going to be flying over that ocean in five weeks.

If you want to walk, you have to walk, there is no magic involved.  Weights, repetition, balance exercises, it all adds up too.  

Someone on another blog was posting about pet peeves, here are a few of mine:

...when the vacuum cleaner is all clogged up.  Now, as much as I hate this, I admit I actually like pulling out all the fuzz and dust and getting it cleared up.  I always check before I vacuum, and it's beyond me how anyone can let it get this way without knowing.  

...leaving the counter wet in the bathroom or kitchen.  Wipe.  It.  Up.  It's been more magnified for me lately, because sometimes I cheat and lean on the counter to get around, and ugh, it's wet.  

...stepping too close to the dog's bowl in my socks.  I cannot keep them on, no sir.  Slippers help, but still, yuck.

...when I rummage through the pantry and find an empty Oreos box, empty fruit snacks box, an open jar of peanuts I didn't know were open and are now stale, three opened packages of graham crackers...

...waste.  I do not like waste. Growing up in the 70's with a dad who worked for the county and a mom who worked part time at K-Mart might have something to do with it.  I was raised with take what you'll eat, and eat what you take.  

Anyway.  Enough grumping and grumbling, there is too much to be thankful for, right?  These days, every other thought I have is of my sister.  She is not doing so well, and my heart is breaking.  She is very private with her medical details, but she does have metastatic cancer, has had pneumonia a few times, along with some other infections, and is very weak.  Our days are numbered, none are immune to that.  But when it becomes more evident, and your sister can't even talk to you on the phone anymore because she's so tired, and you miss her and think of funny things to say to her every ten minutes of every single day, then well...it's hard.  And this isn't even about me, I hate that she is suffering, even though she has a really good attitude.  

You all have a good day, and be thankful!   And here are a few pictures to cheer you up:

Kettler aka Mama Kitty, or Old Kitty...and her impertinent son, Orange Guy...

Evelyn's front porch...

And, a blast from the past, little Camille when she was six or seven...not so very long ago!

no unnecessary travel!

...the storm has arrived.  We have had freezing cold temps here in NY state, and now the snow comes...before tomorrow morning, we should have 18-22 inches of new snow.  So today, we're hunkering down and staying home.  Everything is cancelled, and the roads are slick, when it's so cold out the salt doesn't work.  

It's cozy and comfy and the girls have helped clean up.  We're thinking of baking some artisan bread today, to warm it up in here and make it smell yummy, but oh dear, I'm not sure I want to be snowed in with fresh bread.  

Yesterday was a wonderful day, one for the books.  Suzanne came and spent the day here.  Jonathan and Rosi had arrived in the night, traveling back from their vacation down south, to pick up little Juniper.  They settled into the guest room for some much needed sleep, for a few hours.  Sonja came over with baby Kaia, so we had quite a nice gathering.  Sonja also brought Chinese food, so it was a proper party.

Rosi, Suzanne, Sunny, Juni, Winston (Suzanne and Zech's dog, he looks so much like Suri, we can almost not stand it, but he's a huge sweetheart of course!)

Sunny and Orange Guy.  I don't know why it tickles me so much that they're friends...

Miss Kettler is very happy that Juni has left, she was here for ten days and stole Kitty's prized spot on my lap.  Orange Guy and Juni were hilarious together, they actually chased each other and played.  Kettler was much more hissy and hesitant, but came around eventually and realized that Juni was no threat.  

Char is working on a sweater for Kaia (Suzanne made a beautiful lavender wool blend pullover with a matching headband, so sweet!).  Cam is looking up recipes, she wants to make pies or tarts or something.  Paul is working out and taking care of the cardboard.  (we separate it, and every week or so, he puts it in the burn pile out back, the joys of living in the country!  All those Amazon and Target boxes...)

I wish I could say that my walking has greatly improved.   I can say that it doesn't feel as awful when I put weight on the new knee, and I am doing lots of exercises here at home.  I am managing to get around, but not without some pain and discomfort.  I'll take it though, and power through it, because I really want mobility back.  It helps to remember how hard it was to get around before surgery, when I would be on my feet for a while, and my knee would start screaming and lock up.  There were times I could barely get into the car, the leg didn't want to straighten.  There were times I could barely sit in my chair, it didn't want to straighten.  Now, I can't be up and about for too long but it's getting better.  I don't know why this has been such an uphill battle, but the therapist says, "If it were easy, everyone would be doing it."  Well.  It seems to ME, that everyone IS doing it, and they're doing so well, but comparison being the thief of joy and all, we won't go there.  My battles are my battles, and whether it's because I'm doing things all wrong, or it's how my body is, or something is a little off somewhere, I don't know.  But.  I am okay.  :)

This day is going by so fast.  I helped Camille make pie dough, she is making mixed berry pies with merengue topping.  We made extra pie crust so we can make chicken pot pie tomorrow.  This fine evening, the girls might make a pizza, and we're having crispy chicken thighs.  Our grocery order got frozen, some of the food, just because it was zero degrees and some of it spent the night in the car.  Sonja would have carried all of it in, but I didn't want her to have to do that.  So the stew beef is in the freezer, and the burger and chicken are in the refrigerator, I will have to be creative in how to use it all without refreezing it...thinking to make pot pies, then use the rest of the chicken Wednesday.  The ground beef, I'll make burgers Tuesday, then cook up all the rest and make taco burger, freeze in freezer bags.  

It's been snowing out all day long.  It's different than our lake effect snow, this N'oreaster snow.  It's coming from the east, and the flakes are smaller.  It's piling up though!  By the time it's done, and we add on the extra lake effect that usually follows this type of storm, we'll have much more than two feet.  

Now football is on, and the Broncos are doing fine, although I don't care much...it is growing on me.  I do wish Sam were here to watch it with me!  

Orange Guy wants to attack Char's yarn!

You all have a really good day....stay warm!