here we go again...

 to physical therapy.  I haven't been in a few weeks.  I missed a week because we were traveling to Norway, missed another when we just got back, now this week here I go again.  I am not too dramatic in saying how much I dread it, I hope.  I'll be honest, I am not at peace with this whole thing yet, mentally.  This morning, I was cleaning the stove top, and washing the window behind the sink (how does that get so spattered?!), when it occurred to me:  I am the only one who can help me.   Others can encourage me, say what they will, but I am in charge of what thoughts I let reign.

  It doesn't feel like feeling sorry for myself, but I guess it is.  Today, for example, Sonja and Kai came by and picked up Char and Cam, and went to Trader Joe's.  I LOVE Trader Joe's, only go a few times a year.  But, even if I didn't have PT this afternoon, I would hesitate to go, it's always crowded and I'm wobbly.  Yesterday, Darius was going up to the hospital to bring some lunch to Jon and Rosi, and said he'd pick me up if I wanted to go see the baby.  I had to decline, for one because there is so much snow up there, making parking lots treacherous, for two, I didn't know if I could walk down the corridors and through the lobby...seriously.  I didn't go to the pool today because school was delayed for two hours, we got a bunch more snow last night, and I didn't know how well cleared the parking would be, again, it's too difficult to walk with that cane in the snow and when it's slippery.

So life goes on, and I can't do what I want to do, and I wonder if I'll ever get better than this.  

Oh wah, everyone has their trials, and I KNOW God is good, so here lies the battle.  I'm just being truthful here.  I have not given in and decided to be miserable, but it also doesn't mean I'm automatically all happy about it.  So I'm fighting to be thankful and not weighed down by the "what ifs".  

The frozen pool...

Several inches of new snow last night, and yes that is the patio table upside down, it was windy too!

It IS pretty...but ugh.  It takes me forever to navigate across the deck and down the stairs when it's slippery.  Paul shoveled and put salt down, but I am not jumping up and down about going out there to PT today.  He said the sunshine feels good though, so there is that.  :).  

See, I never wanted to be one of those miserable old people, cranky and complaining.  Now I see why they get that way, but I still don't want to head there ha.  

And...here I am, home from PT, had dinner (Paul made tacos!), and I'm in my comfy chair.  He is installing the new stove hood/vent.  I haven't heard any swear words yet.  I offered to help, he said he's got it.  :)

Before, with the black hood...

And, after, with the stainless...it's the little things:)

So.  I went to PT, and since I hadn't been in a while, I had to fill out a questionaire, and I sat down and talked to the therapist.  He looked up what a hinged knee is, asked some questions, and told me they were rare, like a zebra pulling a cart, and not a horse.  In any case, I have an appointment next Thursday with the surgeon, and have some questions for him.  I will call the PT place afterward, or stop by, and we'll plan accordingly.  

I measured great, good bend, good extension, did all the exercises, but the walking...nope.  I can't seem to bend the knee while walking, it's straight and like a wooden leg.  He had me squat a little and take some steps, but something feels really off when I do that.  So.  Next step, see the surgeon, get the x-rays done, and see what he says about it.  If it's just a matter of "everything is fine, just do things, it won't hurt anything...", then we'll see.  I hope there isn't anything broken in there!

He actually suggested getting the walker back out, trying to walk more naturally with it, for practice, at home.  ugh.  But I will.  Just to see if I can get smoother.  

So that's the story.  I can say this:  I feel heard now.  I feel like it isn't just me.  I've put in the work, I've done the exercises, there is something off.  It could just be because it's a hinged knee, and it's normal for it take so long with it.  

Anyway.   

Emilia Mavis...

Jonathan carrying the carseat to leave the hospital...how is he 21, married, and a dad?  It's like warp-speed happened when I wasn't paying attention.   I'm super proud of Rosi, she was a champ, Jon said.  Birth isn't easy, biggest understatement ever.  I cannot wait to meet little Miss!  

You all have a really nice evening!