picture this:

The view out the kitchen window this morning as I cleaned up the remains of that fabulous party we had here for Jonathan: rain. Rain on leave-filled pool, rain on the overgrown garden from last year, rain on the big timberwood swingset that's missing a few swings, rain on the two cardinals flitting from tree to tree...

The frothy green of the new leaves stands out against the dark skies. It's the coziest sort of day, and it's Sunday. We don't have to leave for church for a few hours, so there's time to putter around. The kitchen table is a disaster zone, but a beautiful one. Camille has been making paper bag puppets:



Charlotte likes to design houses on graph paper, which led Camille to make a shoebox diorama of a living room.

Anyway, this morning I cleaned up messes and straightened things out, and decided not to take a morning walk in the rain.

Paul is home, and last night we stayed up way too late, making plans for our trip. He has to go into work Monday through Friday, but we have our evenings, and most of the day on Friday. We really want to go to the American cemetery at Normandy, he's been there several times but I want to see it. There are nice little towns and small cities near where we will be staying, so we're planning to go out and about in the evenings and explore. Then on Friday, Paris!

My days are a blank slate...oh, whatever will I do, all by myself all day long...in France? I do not speak French, despite taking it for several years in school. I can say, "Shut your mouth", and "Open the window", and know basic vocabulary words...but listening to someone speak French, um, no comprende. (I also can say, "Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?", you know, from the song...ha.) So I asked Paul if people there speak English, like they do in Norway...he said they don't, absolutely don't. Dang. I pictured myself making small talk, making friends even, as I spent sunny days in the park, or browsed in the little grocery store.

So I will just have to spend my days walking around, taking pictures, then writing huge long blog posts and boring the heck out of everyone. Being so far far from home and not having to use my brain space for simple daily problem solving, sounds refreshing. I will miss the kids terribly, but I will welcome the relaxation.

Free time is such a precious commodity...the other night I tried to steal some, eke some out of the day, so I sneaked into my room with a book...Evelyn understands, she's a reader, so she brought me a steaming mug of coffee...it didn't last long, someone needed me for something, but still. I loved it.

So days with no appointments, no needs to be met, no floors to be swept...poor me, ha.

And it goes without saying that I do get great pleasure from mothering these children of mine. My life is very fulfilling and blessed with these crazy kids. But time off is sweet...and the evenings with Paul are going to be fantastic.

a joyful day!

It's Jonathan's birthday! He's 12 years old. Jonathan is our Rainbow Baby, born way back before that term was coined. I thought I was unique in the absolute joy that Jon brought into our lives after losing baby Robert, but thanks to social media and other blogs, I now know this is a common experience...the complete and utter thankfulness for the baby that's born after a devastating loss: Rainbow Baby.

When Jon was born, I remember being so very thankful for the simple fact that he was alive. He moved. He cried vigorously from the minute he emerged into the world, then calmed down and checked us out with those beautiful eyes. He had wiggly, kicky legs, and tiny little toes...and he was alive. I'm telling you, after delivering baby Robert, holding a miniature little baby, your OWN baby, perfect in every way...except not breathing...no hope, the end before the beginning, wrapped up so sweetly in the familiar newborn blanket, yet cruelly still and unmoving. It felt like the end of the world. Go home and enjoy your other children, the doctor said. I was ready for that. Because after giving birth in that hospital to all of those other babies, babies who nursed and cried, and snuggled into my shoulder, I was traumatized every time I heard anything wheel down the hall, thinking they were bringing me my baby to take care of, and ugh. But Robert wasn't coming home in a perfectly prepared car seat in the nice little outfits we had bought for him. We were going home with broken hearts.

Then Jonathan came along...he was born ten and a half months after Robert. I could barely breathe throughout the pregnancy, every time he was still, I had to fight the panic. When he wiggled around in there, I hoped he wasn't getting tangled in the cord. It wasn't a blissful 9 months. When he was born, it was absolutely too good to be true.

His older siblings practically stole him from me, if I hadn't nursed him, I never would have gotten a turn. The loss of Robert affected them, too, and they smothered Jonathan in love. Jon has grown up to be just the best boy. He's thoughtful and helpful and kind and has a wicked sense of humor. He has the gift of patience with younger kids, little Annika calls him her "best friend".

Emily, Benjamin, and Aaron pitched in and bought him a really nice new bike for his birthday. I bought him soccer cleats, two Super Soakers, and a new soccer ball, and also gave him money to go out to lunch with three of his friends today. He's making bacon for breakfast right now, and I need to get up and go help make a special breakfast...French toast or waffles.

So today, I am thankful for Jon, and the joy he has brought into our lives.

YES, going to france....:)

My kids rock, they really do.

They got together and talked, and were very enthusiastic in telling me to JUST GO.

Here's the thing...last night, I really prayed about my marriage...I know I need to put more effort into putting it first...then this morning, I was awakened by my phone beeping, ugh, I didn't mute it, and it was waaay too early...but Paul is in France...and he was texting to ask me to go to France with him next week. I immediately thought of my prayers, and really hoped this trip would work out.

Marriage takes time, and time is the one commodity we don't have enough of. When Paul comes back from a trip, he usually gets in on a Saturday evening, is quite tired and jet-lagged on Sunday, then back to work on Monday. We fit in our time for each other after all else is taken care of.

Anyhow...he bought me a ticket! I am actually going!!! He's coming home tomorrow, and we leave a week from tomorrow. (If I weren't going with him, it would be a pretty rough stretch, he's been gone way more than he's been home)

So of course I googled "how to get into shape in a week", and would you believe it doesn't work that way? Nor can you lose fifty pounds in a week, darn it. Yeah, one of my first thoughts was, ha, "I can't go to France being this fat!"

But I'm going, and I'm happy about it.

My nice sister gave me a $20 off coupon for a nice store in the dreaded mall, so this evening when the older girls went over to Emily's house, I took the small kids out and about...Jonathan, Char, Cam, and little cousin William.

They were so precious while I tried things on...Jon sat on a bench with Will, playing a video game together. Char did cartwheels, yes, in the store, and Cam hovered outside the door to comment on what I tried on. I considered going outside of my comfort zone and wearing things other than t-shirts, but it was...too outside of my comfort zone. I did get two elbow length shirts and a pair of super comfortable and almost flattering black pants, all for $30, thank you Cheryl!

I admired a really pretty sweater as I checked out, but it was so pricey...the clothes in that store are very nice, but most things are like fifty bucks...the sweater was on sale for $20, but still.

We took a really quick run into the grocery store after a detour at Dunkin Donuts in the mall...I really enjoyed my iced coffee, and the kids had iced teas. Jonathan turns 12 tomorrow, and had one request: bacon for breakfast. I also got some orange juice, celery, blueberries (my special snack tonight), and more coffee.

Home...William gets to spend the night! He's too cute. He loves hearing stories, and he's in luck, because I like telling them. The girls also told him stories on the ride home from the suburbs.

Jonathan has chosen to just have a few friends to go out to lunch with him, instead of having tons of boys over...the thought it would be too overwhelming. Evelyn is going to make him an ice cream pie (Oreos crushed up, mixed with melted butter for the crust...then partially melted ice cream, topped with crumbled cookies and hot fudge, and frozen up again...how will I not eat this? And I can't, or I won't lose that fifty pounds for France!!)

Anyway...thank you for taking the time to comment, and to encourage me to go on this trip. I do believe it will be a good thing, and honestly, somebody pinch me, I just can't believe I'm going to France. This has been the travel-y-ist segment of my life, the last half year...since last September, I've been to Washington state, then our trip across the country to California in January, a trip to Norway (and London), the Georgia/Florida trip, and to Washington D.C. again. Now to France. Of course exploring new places is my favorite, and honestly, for years and years, I didn't explore too much, having so many kids! We camped for vacations. :)

france? me? really? um, next week?

How to decide? 100% of me says YES!!! But then the other 100% of me wonders how on earth will this family function without me.

I watch young children during the week. Can Kathryn manage to do it for me? Is it right to ask her to? The kids have schooling to do, will they do it? Then there's the soccer tournament at church...Sonja and Jonathan are playing, and are so into it...I want to watch them play, I want to be a part of this with them. There are also so many other things going on next weekend...

Here's the thing: I felt so bad later after writing that Paul doesn't care about the little details in my life. Because that implies that he doesn't care about me, and that's not true. He's just more of a get-to-the-point-of-the-story person. And I am a storyteller. Yet we still really like each other. We've managed to stay on the same page through many trials, choosing to be together in whatever challenges come our way. When one particular older son got himself in trouble a few years back, Paul looked at me, and asked, "What do we do?" We've been through so much together. And we are very blessed to still have that attraction to each other. So when I write here, I write about how I feel about things, yet I don't want to put him in a bad light for the whole world to read, and think he's not an excellent husband...:)

So. He texted this morning, it's not a sure thing yet, he's been looking into getting me a plane ticket...for next week. I pulled of a trip to Washington D.C. last week, with about 12 hours notice until departure time, but I took my younger kids with me. This is a little different. I have some thinking to do.

My heart says to just go. When will I ever get an opportunity like this again? We get so very little time together without kids around, and we are getting older, and and and. I also want to get a little peek into his world...

Then come all the practicalities...I'm pretty sure I can convince the older kids to cover for me, but is it fair?

The answer to this question will come this evening, when he calls me from Paris. He's coming home tomorrow, but only for a week. Will I be getting on the plane with him the next time, or will I be dropping him off at the airport and driving to the soccer tournament?...hmm.

sometimes I just am.

In the midst of life, in the middle of KNOWING that all things work together for my best...in trusting God...in being thankful...there is a reality. That reality is that there is a suffering involved in order to get from being where I am, to being absolutely thankful, or being content in my circumstances.

I can't just decide to be thankful, then voila, I'm thankful. It takes a suffering, and the sacrifice is usually giving up something I want...maybe it's five minutes of peace and quiet, or maybe it's having the kitchen clean, or maybe it's driving someone somewhere or taking kids someplace I don't feel like going. I can do these things on autopilot, without actually changing over to thankfulness inside, then I get worn out and bitter, and it's like NO FAIR, what about ME!?? Changing the attitude inside is the key. Just being quiet, putting on a smile, and heading out to the van when I would actually like to stay home and finish the dishes or read my book...it's necessary, but there IS the inside to cleanse...it's imperative that I walk in the light, that I work with God in this, that I can be changed, and that I get victory over complaining and being miserable.

No one gets happiness just handed to them in life. Sure, we are all happy and smiles when things go our way, but when you're a mom, heck, when do things actually go how you want them to? I can spend my entire life working and striving to get all my ducks in a row, to get things organized, to create, to explore, to get things fixed up, repaired, ect...I can work so hard to get things how I want them to be. And that in itself is not wrong, it's part of life. But. The thing of REAL value, is to let God do a work in the heart. To be open and flexible and have low thoughts, to be really changed inside. So that when things don't go how I want them to, I don't have to just paste a smile on my face while sulking inside, it gets old. One gets tired, and sick and tired, and longs for things to be different.

Sometimes I feel really really lonely. Paul...he's gone a lot, and when he is here, he's so distracted with stuff. He simply isn't interested in all the details of life, of MY life. We totally love each other, and occasionally we talk about everything...but on a day-to-day basis...not so much. He's a guy. :) I do have my friends, but they are busy too, and can rarely get together. And I have my kids. One cannot dump on one's kids, ha. Oh dear, am I feeling sorry for myself? Not really, just telling it like it is.

For the record, I am really thankful for my friends. (and for Paul...he's coming home from France on Saturday, yay!!)

But here's my point....whether it's feeling lonely, or left out, or sad, or misunderstood, or maybe you feel really used and under- appreciated...there is hope...! Jesus didn't come to heal those who were well.

And, it's important to realize that it's okay to be truthful about how it really is in your life. If I had my druthers, I would have more of a social life, less housework, and oh, everyone would be so thankful for all I do for them, ha. I would have plenty of money to do all the home improvements I want to do, and of course to travel and visit all of my kids. Paul and I would be planning a trip to Jamaica, and since we're dreaming, I would have an indoor pool, or at the very least, my hot tub fixed.

And since we're still dreaming, this last fifty pounds of extra weight would start melting away, and oh, I wouldn't crave chocolate anymore. I heard once that it helps to imagine spiders crawling on brownies, then you wouldn't want to eat them. Duh! You just get the ice cream out!

Speaking of ice cream....last night I dodged the ice cream temptation...I took Evelyn, Suzanne, Charlotte Claire, and Camille out and about...we were going to get ice cream but the lines were long, so we went to the Dunkin Donuts drive through...I got an iced coffee, no sugar, of course...the little girls got cones, and the big girls got yummy drinks. It's so hard not to have ice cream. Then we went to Walmart to get something for Jon's birthday...and cookies and ice cream and hot fudge to make him an ice cream cake for his birthday...wah.

Anyway. Today, we went up to Lake Ontario...we stopped in a little store, and I got a coffee, blueberry flavor with no sugar. It wasn't the half moon cookie the girls had, but it was okay. It's not easy to always say no. It's not easy that when you do say YES, it's mixed with guilt, and the scale jumps up so immediately. Oh, poor me, ha.

It IS a daily battle, it's my lifelong thing. If I don't fight it, the weight WILL come back.

Anyway...after our trip to the lake...the girls wanted to go to the diner, so we stopped at Emily's house...she had the day off, and sure, she would like to go! The little girls are at a friends' house, Jon is at a friends' house, and we have no small children today...so it was only Kathryn, Evelyn, Suzanne, Sonja, Em, me, and friend Irene. And, I had a burger on sourdough toast...it was cut in half, so I gave half to Ev, who only had a small meal. I also ordered raisin toast to share with everyone because this diner gets their cinnamon raisin bread fresh daily from a local baker, and it's heavenly good. I am not supposed to eat those carbs, and oh, did I mention the burger came with fries? I did give some to the girls, but yeah, I ate some too.

Oh well.

Anyway...there may be some people in this world who are automatically happy and all sunshiny all the time, but I am not one of them. Yet I am bound and determined not to live as a grump. I don't want to be bitter and miserable and miserly and judgemental and harsh and impatient and selfish. So, in the same way I have to work at what I eat, I will work on saying NO to sin.

home from our nice weekend away....

With Sam...it's hard to say goodbye to him....he's such a good kid.


He is like a walking history book, and delights in teaching the kids. We visited the Marine Memorial monument.


Arlington National Cemetery is such a solemn place. Sam reminded the kids to be respectful there, and to behave themselves. It was a lovely day for a stroll, sunny skies and 70 degrees. There are leaves on the trees down in D.C., spring has arrived there.


Late night diner trip with Sam...Charlotte Claire, cousin Danielle, and Camille...


Jonathan at the Great Falls National Park...it was National Park week, so free admission.


Jon, Mirielle, and Sam.


Mirielle...




The Potomac River roaring...


There were streams that led to the river, fun to explore...

The ride home was long, road construction, and traffic. We came upon a motorcycle accident that had just happened, the ambulances weren't there yet, and oh dear I wish I hadn't looked. Under the bright blue skies of a sunny day...life is short. I don't know whether those two guys splayed in the road made it or not, but...

And now it is Monday. My three Real School kids are on spring break, so we stayed up too late last night and watched a scary movie, then I had to get up early to greet my little friend Annika. It's overcast and chilly today, but perhaps we'll venture outside anyway. I didn't get enough sleep, and would like to crawl into bed with a book, but I won't.

Jonathan turns 12 next Saturday (!), so I need to get him a birthday present. Maybe when he's at soccer tonight, I'll take the other kids out and about...

travels and adventures...

In our hotel room, most are still asleep. The seven of us were tired after a full day of fun yesterday. Our plan was to go to the Shenandoah National Park, but a raging forest fire changed that plan. We pondered taking the metro to the city to see the Smithsonian museums again, for little Danielle, but she didn't seem to really care either way, and Samuel spends so much time in D.C....so we went to Great Falls, and it was lovely. I would post some pictures, but the girls are using my phone for white noise.

We walked some trails, the kids climbed rocks and played in a stream. We ate our chicken bacon wraps in the park, people watching, and dog watching. There were two black labs there, oh so cute. We went back to the hotel in the afternoon and got coffee, ah, then went to the pool and hot tub. Back to the room to watch more HDTV (home decorating, remodeling, house searching, ect.)...then a late evening trip to the diner...

It's time now to get up for breakfast, and start the day. This place has decent food, and plenty of really good coffee, so it's a winner. The seven of us fit well in this room, there are two double beds and a pull out couch, plus a refrigerator and an extra sink.

Today, we have to say goodbye to Sam. Jon suggested we just bring him home with us, but we can't do that. The Army wouldn't like it. It's the hardest thing. Being with Samuel is like remembering why you like something so much. He's really funny, and so good to the little kids, and Jon simply worships him.

And, today is going to be 70 degrees and sunny here....

I love my life. Spontaneous road trips are my favorite. Paul's back in France for the week, so I'll be on my own again this week. The four teenage girls sent pics of a gathering at our house last night, Emily was there, and baby Lydia...they are having a good time without Mom there. Joseph brought Paul to the airport, and went to the dump for us...

Anyway...I do have lots of nice pictures. The girls are so much fun, Char and Cam and cousin Dani. They delight in the little things, like hotel make-your-own-waffles. :)