Writing on this blog is challenging for me sometimes. I am rarely at loss for what to say, but rather am second-guessing what I should put out there. After all, this blog isn't just all about ME, it affects so many other people, who deserve some privacy in their lives. This morning I feel sad. I feel un-appreciated, and almost lonely. I cried this morning, before I even got out of bed, because sometimes I just get tired of dealing with things. Then I thought of the message I heard yesterday about having the mind of Christ. Yes, even when I feel wronged and hurt, I can give that up and love anyway. I do not have to get even, I do not have to keep nurturing painful thoughts, I do not have to feed my offendedness. I really started to get thankful then, realizing that I can be saved in all things. If God wanted everyone to always treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated, than that is how it would be. But He knows, in His infinite wisdom, what I need.
After I prayed myself out of that funk, I went into the bathroom and got on the scale. dang. Hopefully it was just the salty ham, retaining some fluid. Because there is no way I went over by seven thousand calories. blah. I went out into the freezing wind to walk Rosie, wondering where spring went, and trying to straighten out my thoughts. Battling against those thoughts of discouragement about losing weight, and just life in general. It is vital that we do not let dispair gain the upper hand in our lives. As I quoted to Benjamin the other day, "A merry heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones."
We all have our trials. I choose to fight against my own sin, instead of blaming others. Instead of getting bitter, and letting my heart grow hard. In every situation in life, we have choices. Sometimes it seems SO right and reasonable to be offended! But it is never the right choice! Just think to suffer and overcome instead!
So I am fighting my way through the day. Some days it is warm and sunny and everything is wonderful, but other days...it is more of a fight.
And since I am not going to feel sorry for myself today, I will not mention the state of the house. Or that it is Paul's fiftieth birthday and I have no idea what is for dinner. Or that I haven't stepped foot in the laundry room in like three days, which is pretty much asking for an avalanche of dirty clothes to pile up. Or that I want some French Toast bagel bread, toasted with butter, so badly. But I know I shouldn't. I am also surrounded by chocolate bunnies and malted eggs, but I won't mention how much that is killing me.
It is vacation, Easter vacation, April break. Our van is in the shop, so I am stranded. Margaret, Kathryn, and Suzanne spent the night at Susan and Thomas' house to help with the twins and William. I woke up too early and started in on those thoughts, um, wah. But my day is before me, and it shall be a good one.
Mirielle made a huge batch of chocolate chip cookies last night and sent some out to Benjamin this morning, along with some sunflower seeds and some baby wipes. I guess it is broiling hot over there in Afghanistan. We think that even if the cookies arrive melted and mushy, the guys will like them. And, we included wipes.
One thing I have discovered, something old as the hills but for good reason: when I am feeling down, and I think of others, it is like magic, like healing for the spirit. I prayed for my husband and all of my kids this morning, and as I prayed for them I realized how blessed I am. I prayed for my friends, and for family members. It is so true that when we think of others, our own troubles melt.
My oldest daughter Emily is 27 years old. She is a Registered nurse in the intensive care unit. She sees a lot of death. She deals with the families of the patients. It is heavy stuff, and I don't know how she bears it. She also goes to school part time, so she is very busy. But her heart's desire is to work more with the young people at church, to give of her time and her money and to not think of herself. Just thinking of her makes me want to be faithful in my situations.
Jonny is walking around in his undies and my pink slippers. Charlotte Claire and Camille are being horrid. They are fooling around and screeching and there has been pinching this morning. Me thinks it is the candy. All the candy, spread all over the new rug in the living room, being eaten and played with. Rosie, in this one respect anyways, has been an angel and hasn't even sniffed at it.
Paul is planning a bigger garden than last year. I am indifferent right now. I would rather work on things in here, but that is because I let myself start seeing what "needs" to be done. He and I never seem to be on the same page about what is top on the list. He will buy a rasberry bush and spend all day planting it while I see the holes in the screens. Good thing I love him.
Oh heavenly yumminess, Camille just graciously gave me a bit of her Baby Binks, hollow chocolate bunny. So sweet and delicious. Just a small bite, from the back of his head, not the thick top of the ears or tail. I would like to just sit here and eat a whole chocolate bunny, yum. This is torturous. But since I seem to gain weight just breathing the aroma of good things, I shall hold out and be a good girl.
Yesterday I did forty-five pushups! ha, it isn't like it sounds, I cannot go all the way down. But I did four sets of ten, then one of five and my poor wrists felt like they were going to snap. I only worked out for fifteen minutes because it was a busy day. I took Saturday off, except for my morning walk. Today I will fit in a really good work out, to make up for that taste of Baby Binks. And and and. I have not been terrible, but I have had my share of "tastes" these last few days. But I am telling myself, "Dear, you know how these things taste, so just knock it off and suck it up and leave it alone!"
Our Easter dinner was really good, ham and sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes (none for me), asparagus, fresh broccoli, and pineapple chunks (none for me, I am allergic). I had a plate full of greens, tiny bit of sweet potatoes, and little by little, way too much ham. A little more, and a bite when I was cleaning up, and another, and another. rats. But it was so good. Everyone was here for dinner except for Emily who worked and stopped over later, and of course Benjamin. And Sam, who slept through dinner because he spent Saturday night at his friend's house, and they stayed up all night playing video games. rrr.
If this post seems long and boring and discombobulated, it is because I have kids here on vacation, and there is never a dull moment. I have answered twenty one questions, solved three problems, and refereed two fights since I have started writing this. I ran to the bathroom, re-filled my coffee, and answered the phone. Now I shall go and enjoy my kids and count my blessings.