2014.....a year of change....

Camille Anaya finally got to hold little Anya. She was pretty thrilled. I warned Ashley that no matter how she tries to keep Anya little, she would grow and grow into a little girl, it happened to Camille, no matter how much I rocked and cuddled her...she grew and grew....

Little Anya certainly is a beautiful baby. She is so beautiful I almost want to cry. I can hold her, and rock her, under her Mama's watchful eye, then hand her back....I have heard some grandparents say that the best part of being grandparents instead of parents is handing the babies back when they cry. I disagree. I wouldn't mind comforting a crying baby at all!

Ashley and Ben and Anya and I went to Walmart one night.

Samuel and Benjamin and Joseph, just sitting around watching funny you tube videos.

It was so good to have Ben here. Yet, it went by too fast, and I feel like I didn't really get to talk to him. I love how he is all grown up and responsible, but still that little boy that he was, still punches his brothers and teases his sisters. One afternoon he and Sam were wrestling on the couch. He is still high strung and antsy and calls the kids, "Squirt".

But, it went by too fast, and Ben is on a plane, heading back to Washington, back to the Army. Ashley and Anya are at her dad's house for a few additional days but Ben has to report back to base by tomorrow.

So this a time for new beginnings, for radical change, for renewed purposes. As much as I don't want to join the leagues of January Gym Joiners, I will vow to work out more. To eat better. To get that scale moving downward again. No more tastes, no more treats. I want to phase out more unhealthy junk for the family too, getting creative with grain-free recipes. The other day I made those chick-pea (garbanzo bean) cookies. Now, they sound gross, but far from it! I used a can of rinsed and drained chick-peas, pulverized in the Kitchen-Aid, added a half cup of crunchy peanut butter, added a teaspoon and a half of vanilla, a 1uarter cup of brown sugar (I made them without this before and they weren't too bad), and mini Nestle chocolate chips. No flour, eggs, or butter. I made really small cookies, and they were SO yum. One simply cannot tell what is in them.

Perhaps today after I take down the tree I will experiment with another healthy recipe....I am thinking of slowly incorporating these into our diet. I can remember years ago when I first switched to whole grain bread, there were a few kids who wouldn't eat it. Now, it is par for the course. And I want to phase it out:)

Paul has to go back to work tomorrow, after all this blissful time off.

I find that after Christmas, there is such a void, a blankness, like, "what are we going to do now?" Well, I am going to live! I am going to cuddle my little ones, and sink my nose into their still soft hair, tell them how much I love them. I am going to listen to the older ones, praise them, encourage them in their struggles. I am going to bless my husband, even when he is difficult:). I am going to stop and smell the roses. I am going to be consciously thankful for all the blessings God bestows, and for all the trials that come upon me. I won't kick and fight against the things that happen to me, I won't become surly and grumpy and whiny. I won't blame people or circumstances instead of taking up my own cross and being free from the sin that ensnares me.

I won't feel sorry for myself, although I am pretty certain I will be tempted.

Samuel is leaving in six weeks or so, for basic training in the U.S. Army. He graduates from high school this month, then leaves a few weeks later. Now, I don't like being a Drama Queen about everything, but I will say that this devastates me. I am proud of Sam, and I am impressed with his unwavering conviction that joining the Army is the RIGHT thing to do. There were no, "ifs and buts about it", as my mother used to say. He was joining, and that was it. So I am happy for him. But for me, wah. Not just that I will miss him. My walking companion, who can talk the entire way down the road, who can always sense when I need a little appreciation, who can make me laugh at myself, who can mock without malice....no, it isn't just that I will miss him like crazy. It's that he is still my little boy! And, as much as he hates when I mention that he is most certainly on the Asperger's spectrum, he is. He has to have his food just so, he can't eat until everyone else is done, he hates being touched unless he asks you to scratch his back, he is totally and completely obsessed with World War II, and with guns, ammo, artillery, and the right to possess them. He is kind and gentle and childlike, he is awkward and yet...he is so mature. He knows what he wants. And, he is blissfully unaware or perhaps unaffected by others' opinion of him.

So maybe he will be fine when he is reamed out in basic. Maybe he'll be able to find his way around and make decisions on his own. Maybe he will hold up and hold out and be okay.

I will be praying for him.

And missing him.

It's probably a little hard to understand that a mother can have sixteen children, and be so broken up about one of them leaving. They each occupy their own space in my heart. God has given them to me, and He has given me plenty of room for each of them. (remember the parable of the lost sheep? Jesus left the other 99 to find the 1? it's like that.)

Anyway, Camille is waiting for me to get off this computer and bake something with her....and I want to un-decorate and and and....