things that hurt my heart...

 but first, this makes me smile...(that big round lump on Sunny's side is her fatty tumor, benign)

Last evening, Miss Sunny was in a playful mood, she kept bringing me a toy to throw for her.  She did NOT like when Orange Guy planted himself on her doggy bed.  She didn't know quite what to do.  Have I mentioned how much it absolutely delights me that the cats and the dogs get along so well?  The cats rub up against the dogs, the dogs sniff the cats faces and give them a few licks, wag their tails in greeting.  They will curl up together to sleep.  I think Sunny wanted to lie down though, and she is much to polite to be rude to the cat.

Sunny likes to play the game where I have her sit and stay, and hide her toy in the other room, usually in plain sight, but in different places.  She has always finds it.  As soon as she spots it and starts to hone in on it, I praise her hugely, she wags and smiles.  She really likes the game.  

My drive from the pool yesterday, the roads were nicer on the way home.

The camper...the cover all covered in snow.  The camper just makes me happy, just thinking about it makes me happy.  I told Paul recently that part of it is that he and I have such a good time together.  Then I asked him if he was excited about camping this summer.  He just scrunched up his nose and said, I don't know, I guess, and broke my little heart.  I didn't let it sink in too far though, whatever.  Then, ha, the next morning, he was all happy and excited and said, Oh, you know when you asked me about camping?  I DO like it, and I like being with you...I was thinking about it, and realized that!  I just gave him a big hug, and was thankful that I hadn't let myself get too upset about it.  He is who he is, and I love him dearly.  

The grill.  Some people grill in the winter.  We don't have ours on the deck because of the grandkids, but I bought a under-the-grill mat and am thinking of moving it up there in a corner, it's such a pain to go up and down the stairs with plates of burgers.  

Snow...it sure is pretty.

These make me happy.  Money can't buy happiness, or can it?  They're warm and cozy, good traction, easy to put on, and so far, they don't hurt my feet.  Bear Paws, even the name is cute.  

Here's what makes my heart hurt.  The kids growing up and moving out.  It means we've done our job, pushed them into the standing position, they end up on their own two feet, just where they're supposed to be when they grow up.  

I  think there are people out there who jump with joy when their kids are finally out of the house, the happy downsizing empty nesters, who can finally have things they way they want them.  They may be the same people who cheer when their little ones finally go to kindergarten.  

No one wants to read again how I lament the passing of the years and how sad it is that the kids grow up and leave me.  The other day I was telling Emily how excited I am at the prospect of all the kids attending Evelyn's wedding, I couldn't even say it without starting to cry.  It's not just an updated family picture (although this sounds SO amazing!), it's seeing them all.  Nothing brings me more joy than being with them, and reveling in the adults they have become.  

It's unbecoming to brag about your kids, but when you have a blog, you can do it anyways.  :)

I like seeing them interact with each other, and when they start talking about growing up, I can't get enough of the stories, from their points of view.  There are things I didn't know, or didn't remember.  I know I tried my best, day after day, year after year, to love each of them, and to be the best mom I could, but I wasn't perfect of course, and I was tired of course, and there are things I regret, of course.

Molly gave me quite a gift the other morning when we were at the pool with her three little ones.  She said she wished she could do more with her kids but that it's hard, and she wondered how I did it, so patiently.  Oh, I said, I wasn't always patient.  But, she said, that's how I remember it.   Ha, one of them thinks I was patient!

Of course being patient with your kids is the very base level goal there is, it's the building block of everything else.  It's where they get their security.  No matter what they're up to, the parent has a responsibility to put their own frustrations on the back burner, I did it in prayer and need, so that the child could be dealt with in a righteous way, not ever in anger or short temperedness.  I would literally hold my hands right up to God, and ask Him to help them to always be good and do the good.  Patience never came naturally, but I can say that God did give me grace and help.

Anyway, off on a tangent, but it does hurt my heart that the years flew by so fast.  The point of raising kids properly is to get them to the place where they don't need you anymore, then there it is:  they don't need you anymore.  ouch.  

But ahh, the sweet and wonderful gift of grandchildren....a chance to revel in their fleeting childhoods.  When you see your grown children as parents, and the bumps and trials and challenges they meet along the way, and you know those things will just disappear into a muddled blend of memories, and they aren't really big deals at all, just enjoy those kids!  Don't sweat the details.  Yes, you are tired, and I commiserate with you, that's extremely hard, there's no way around that.  But someday, maybe you'll be able to sleep in all you want, and meh, you'd still trade it to go back in time and be with those little ones again.  

Sleep is still quite enticing to me, and I do appreciate a good night of it.  Orange Guy likes to wake me up most nights, but last night Little Miss Sunshine decided to whine off and on until I got up and let her outside, she must have really had to go, what a good girl.  Suri is mostly deaf now, so she didn't hear me opening my door and letting Sunny out the front door. I however heard HER making a ruckus as I caught her red-pawed, rumpling through the bag of stuff I cleaned out of the closet...stale crackers, mmm.  She looked like a little black bear.  I'm so glad Sunny had to go out, to save Suri from a huge tummy ache, or worse, there were those moldy chocolate bars in there...

If I could wave the magic wand and that elusive sleep would wash over me after getting up with the animals...ahhh, but no sir, it only comes when it's time to get up.  I had to drive Camille to work this morning, I woke up on time...then just blinked and was dreaming again...why ,when it's time to get up is it so easy to fall asleep?

It's one of the mysteries of the universe.

Cam's chicken soup was so good last night.  I'll ask her the recipe and put it on here tomorrow or so.  It was hearty and filling and perfect for a dark chilly evening.  

Ah well, not sure what projects I'll be working on today...but I am not bored.  Seriously, after being so continuously busy for so many years with so many kids, a blank slate of a day is still a huge treat to be enjoyed thoroughly....

You all have a really good day, thank you for reading my rambles.  :)