The weekend flew by. Now it's Monday again, and I have PT this afternoon. I don't dread it as much as I used to, but getting down the steps and sidewalk when it's this cold out, eeks. I think it's four right now, which is -15.5. At least it's not snowing though.
And, now it's Tuesday! Recovery from this surgery is not linear, at least not for me. My bend actually regressed by a few degrees. It was 115 on Friday, and 113 yesterday. I was deflated. I had worked very hard all weekend, even with kids and grandchildren over! My straight leg raises were extremely difficult, with the weight increased to two pounds, then the seated hanging leg raises, up to 12 pounds! The leg press I don't even ask, but it's hard anyway, but kind of satisfying.
My biggest issue is that I still use the walker. I can take a step or two holding on with only one hand, but so far can't just let go...because that new knee feels so unsteady sometimes...so I practice, walk all around the house, over and over again. It's tiring, and it feels like I'll never ditch the big unwieldy thing. Yesterday morning I was very tired, and teary eyed. I just felt so hopeless. I'll be honest: I'm a picky pants. People do things around here for me, of course they do. But does anyone shine the dishwasher, or water the plants, or diligently check the water level in the tree stand? (One day I ask, and OF COURSE I CHECKED IT MOM! (pardon me for asking). The next day, I asked again, because I'm a glutton for punishment, and..."oh, I forgot." I cannot get down there on the floor and water that tree.
I just feel at everyone's mercy. I can make a cup of coffee, but can barely get it to my chair to sit and drink it. I can, but it's challenging. I can make dinner, but walking with the walker and bringing things I cut, chopped, or peeled at the table over to the counter...ugh. (but bear with me while I tell you about dinner: a 3 1/2 pound pork loin roast, lime juice and smothered in salt, pepper, rosemary, onion, garlic...sat in the refrigerator (covered) for the day...then patted off, rubbed with olive oil, and into the new air fryer, with the temp probe set for 160, which could have been a bit lower actually. I peeled and chopped a huge butternut squash, and cut up one red skinned potato because that's all we had, and peeled and chopped two big Granny Smith apples. That all went into the air fryer too. It was the BEST dinner, the pork came out tender and juicy, with a nice crispy edge, the tart apples (I mixed some brown sugar into them before cooking) with the pork, then the sweet squash with lots of salt and pepper...so good!).
So it has been really good for me, to let go of expectations, and not be demanding, but also to be firm about some things that are important. I could so easily be a huge nagging witch, and I don't want to be. This is my home, and I like things a certain way.
Yesterday, I was wrapping a few presents, and I dropped the tape. Thankfully, Paul had just walked into the kitchen, so he picked it up for me. I have had new thoughts of mercy for older people and people with all sorts of physical challenges.
After I wrap the presents, I can't carry them to put them under the tree. boo hoo, right? I mean, the things that grate on me are trivial. Mostly what gets me is not being able to walk independently yet.
But. Despite all the Poor Me stuff, life is good. I have been sleeping better. I still wake up frequently, but sometimes instead of getting up, I just do some heel slides in bed, and go back to sleep. The pain is generally much better than it was a few weeks ago, but it's still achy and twinge-y, and very stiff sometimes.
My gingerbread cookie dough is wrapped in the refrigerator, waiting to be rolled and baked. The girls will help me later this afternoon, hopefully. I want to freeze some for Christmas, and also make at least one batch of butter cut outs.
Camille has to go to the college today for a math exam, so Miss Char is bringing her. I have a few store lists for them, it's hard not to go with them myself! It is so freezing cold here though, and icy and slippery everywhere, just getting to the car from the house is an ordeal.
Oh, it's not all doom and gloom. I have so many things to be thankful for. It's been cozy and not terrible, being at home all this time. I'm laughing at myself, "cozy and not terrible." oh dear.
All this being said, no one here has been awful to me or lazy, they're not telling me to suck it up and do it myself. It's all just me, and my impatience. For example: I like the floors vacuumed every single day, and the couches too. The whole hallway, over by the door, the bathroom, everything. Some days, everyone is busy (Paul does have a full time job!), so I attempt it, and it's so challenging. The cord is my enemy, I am really tempted to buy a cordless vacuum! It gets all tangled up around my walker wheels, it's kind of hilarious. I am just driven to have certain things done, and no one else is. To be fair, Paul also mops the floor after vacuuming, several times a week:)
Anyway. The entire experience is just a classic example of how the answer is to be saved in it all. If I believe that God sends all things for my very best, then why would I not be content? Because I WANT. That is the whole issue. Me, and me and me. But praise God that there is a purpose for all the trials, for all the annoyances, that God can do a work in me, and give me more patience, more thankfulness, so I don't have to be a miserable old lady. This isn't a linear work either, at least in me. It takes me a bit sometimes to let things go, and to learn thankfulness. But oh my, thankfulness is a powerful weapon, misery doesn't stand a chance against it.
You all have a really good day! Stay warm!
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