let's never fight anymore...

Isn't this fun to be friends? That's what I am hearing from my two little princesses this morning after one of those big, "She's copying me!", "No I'm not, she's copying ME!" battles. There were tears, there was shouting, but not from me. I knew it would blow over before I even got out of my comfy chair.

They got to stay home from school today, my two little girls. They went four days in a row, and the whole week I was gone to Washington. They missed one half-day before Thanksgiving, but I figured they were due for a day at home. Camille gets pretty tired going to kindergarten.

There is more whining, more fighting. Camille is the owner of a Christmas Sticker book. She is the boss of it. Char wants the Santa sleigh sticker. Really badly. Camille says Maybe Later. Char does not give up when she wants something. Camille keeps saying Maybe Later. ugh.

Jonathan was such a champ at the dentist. He was brave and didn't complain. I told him ahead of time that the worst part would be the shot of novocaine. The dentist numbed his gums first with stuff on a big swab, Jon said he didn't even feel the needle. He was shaking though, even though he was co-operating, he was scared. While he waited for the numbness to set in, the assistant told him that the worst part was over, and he said, "Really?!" The rest didn't seem to bother him at all. I am so glad he took it so well! The dentist was so quick, and had such a good repoire with him. He has to go back probably three more times, and doesn't seem to mind the thought of that.

So of course I took him to Walmart. I bought him a package of glow-in-the-dark Nerf bullets. And an 8-pack of "D" batteries. He was pretty happy.

We also stopped at Tim Horten's. He got a frozen lemonade, brr, and I got a coffee with cream and a sugar-free caramel flavor shot. It was very good.

Home to a turkey dinner. Aaron and Mirielle had peeled lots of potatoes and were making mashies, as Mirielle calls them. We had peas and mixed veggies and cranberry sauce too. And gravy. While we were cleaning up dinner, Paul and the older kids left for choir practice. One of the girls had a bad headache, and another had lots of homework. Sam wanted me to make cookies. I told him to help me clean up and I would. So I mixed up a triple batch of chocolate chip cookies with a red and green Christmas M&M's. I decide I wasn't going to eat any at all. ha. I tasted the dough. Dang, I had lots of the dough. It was too good. Then I mixed some dough with oats for Jon, who loves oatmeal cookies. Yup, that was good too. Then they started baking, and the house went from smelling like roasted turkey to that heavenly cookie aroma. Then...I broke off a little piece of a cookie. Big mistake. I make a darned good cookie. I HAD to try the oatmeal, which was even better. rrr.

I need to be hypnotized or something. I do not eat those things, I do not eat those things. I need to get back into that Strong Resistance groove. The groove where I do not budge, do not taste Bad Things. Because that's how I lost this weight. The thing is, I was good all day. Ate sensibly, healthily, small portions. Then I went cookie crazy. I didn't eat one single whole cookie. Just some pieces of cookies, which added up to two or three. But add in three or four spoonfuls of dough, and.. rrr, the calories, ugh. The bad thing is, I was just thinking that the holidays don't really bother me too much, I will be fine, I can resist. I can say no. ha. I guess I am just not as strong as I thought I was....

But, since today is another day and I really want to see some results, I shall stay out of the cookies.

This whole thing will be a life-long battle for me.

Sometimes I look at thin people and think...do they feel triumphant when they sail past the donuts without stopping to drool?

And I think, No Fair.

Then I look at really heavy people and I wonder if they have any hope at all that they could ever be successful losing their weight. Or if they are like I was...thinking I could never ever do it. When it seems impossible, why not just have a donut? Why not? I personally haven't had a life-long battle with food, no, I just ate what I wanted to. I didn't overeat all the time, I just had what I wanted when I wanted, thinking it didn't matter, I was already fat. I never ordered my own order of fries though, I just took one or two from one of the kids. And I didn't eat two burgers, or half a pizza. So it could have been worse. But it was bad enough. I was perpetually tired, and eating sweets and carbs made that worse, triggering such horrible cycles of fatigue and hunger.

Now I am smart, but that also makes it worse in a way. Ignorance is bliss. But it is also liberating. The things I can do now that I couldn't do before, like go up and down the stairs without suffering, walk through the airport without even thinking about it, picking up the house without being exhausted.

So I am VERY thankful that I saw the light, that I got that glimmer of hope, that determination that I CAN DO THIS.

It has been hard, I have had to suffer. And I know that's what I need to do more. For some people, uttering, "No thank you." is not a biggie. For me, it is most often painful. But here and now, I am encouraging myself to do that very thing: suffer. Say no. It ain't fun, but it is the only way for me.

I am feeling Christmas-y. It is snowing out again, very cold. A good day to bake Christmas cookies, but no way.

I think I will take the little girls out and about today. I have a few ideas of things to get for a few of the older kids for Christmas, but then again, maybe I will stay home. I am taking them to the Christmas Bazaar at the school tomorrow because they give out photo I.D.s, and that will make it easier to get into Canada. Sunday I am driving the minivan full of kids to Ottowa so they can practice their songs for next week's Christmas feast we are having with the church in Ottowa. Paul is driving the car with older kids, they are practicing for a longer time.

I just hope it isn't too snowy. I like to look at it, but I hate to drive in it.

Camille is cuddled up to me now on the arm of my comfy chair and Char is vacuuming up the sugar mess from the cereal she served for them. Ya, don't ask. I told them Only A Little Sugar. Especially because they don't need ANY sugar on cereal, yuck.

It is cold in the house, my fingers aren't working well. I need to get up and get busy. Char is now having fun with the shop-vac though, cleaning up the whole kitchen.

I am very glad to have them home with me today.

preparing for the Christmas season...

Oops, I wrote "holidays" first, then realized I don't want to get all politically correct here. Anyway, life is busy. The Christmas season can be so crazy busy it's hard to enjoy. But hey, why do today what you can put off for tomorrow?

Kidding. But. Yesterday, I picked Suzanne, my 11 year old, up from school early, surprising her. She is my my number twelve child, 8th daughter, the fourth in our 5-girls-in-a-row-in-five-years. She shares a room and a personality with Kathryn, 14, the #2 in the five-in-a-row. She is just too cool for school, mostly. But when it is just her and I, we have a great time. She talks, she listens, she is great fun. It was totally a great idea to pick her up from school. We went to Sears and got her a new coat, and some boots to put away for Christmas. We went to Aldi to get milk and yogurt and some Christmas candy, including two more of the chocolate-a-day advent calendars. Oh, how they can't wait to start those!! Then we went to Wegmans and got a fresh turkey discounted, which I will make today yum, bread (I don't like Aldi's bread), pears, carrots, green peppers, and lots of other stuff we couldn't live without. Then to Marshall's, where I got a few other gifts, for Benjamin and Joseph. Then to the dollar store where we found strawberry whipped cream for their coffees and cocoa, Fiber One bars for snacks at school, and candy for stockings.

Home...and hurry hurry hurry, there is activity club at church, they had to leave by 6:00! I thought I had more time than I did, and got into my work out clothes, but ha. There simply wasn't enough time, so dinner was served. London broil with Jamaican seasoning and gravy, roasted potatoes, and green beans. Thank you Mirielle for putting this in the oven for me while I shopped!

Everyone went out the door, I didn't have to drive this week (Thanks to Abigail and Aaron)...but the dinner mess: blah. Pans and plates and cups and silverware...finally done. Paul also had a meeting, so the house was quiet. I exercised half-heartedly, I mean, I had just eaten dinner. I should have just served it and not eaten it, but at that time I didn't know yet that I didn't have to drive. Anyway...my point is this: after all that busy day, I was alone...I could have wrapped presents. I could have put the lights in the windows. I could have sorted through the decorations or hung the stockings. But I didn't. I vegged in my chair, looked at reviews for some places in the Dominican Republic, read some weight-loss blogs, then read some of my book.

Poor me, sitting there with my feet up. I am just not a young chicken anymore. Christmas or not, I just can't do another thing sometimes.

Today, I have to pick up Jonathan from school and take him to the dentist. He has to have some fillings done. The dentist was rather short with me when he saw Jon for the first time, in the spring, right after Jon turned 8. He had somehow slipped through the cracks, I usually start the kids out when they are four or five. oops. The dentist did not think it was one bit funny because Jon had some issues with his teeth. oops. Things that could have been caught earlier. ouch. But. None of my other kids have had cavities like this. I partly think it is because Jonathan was born ten months after Robert was born, well...stillborn. I give Jon his daily vitamin, and make sure he drinks his milk, but I wonder. And I feel guilty. So don't be surprised if we stop and buy him a new Nerf gun after the dentist appointment:)

Anyway...I don't like how it is so busy all of the time. So I am going to try to have that downtime with the kids when I can. I hate being stressed out, having so much on my mind.

And, now I shall go put that 25 pound turkey into the oven. Our Thanksgiving turkey was only 21, and we ate the leftovers for lunch the next day, and didn't even have enough left for a turkey gravy meal. So...yum.

accomplishing things...

I appreciate when I accomplish things. That's one of the benefits of being one of those people who just don't have their act together. Some of the things I am happy about this chilly dark morning:

1. I have already washed a load of darks. I was inspired to do this because one of my sweet daughters was going to wear a pair of yoga pants to school that looked like one rolled around on the floor in them. Thankfully one of her sisters spied this and clued me in, as I was busy cleaning up the garbage Suri had gotten into last night since I forgot to put it in the dog cage. Yes, the dog gets to sleep on the couch, and the garbage gets locked in her cage. Anyway, I decided I would raid this daughter's room and get her jeans into the wash, bright and early. She changed into a nice skirt and leggings, by the way. Oh so cheerfully too, ha.

2. I cleaned up a nice big pile of doggy pee that went all the way under my chair. I found something to be thankful for while I moved my chair and sopped it up with half the roll of paper towels: Paul cleaned under all the furniture on Thanksgiving day, right before we went to the table to eat. I wasn't thrilled about it at the time, but he was looking for the tv remote, which is very important, so he thought he would pick up the hair clips and dirty socks and toy cars and sweep up the floors...okay, "wasn't thrilled" doesn't describe it. I was like, "Hon, I just did that a few weeks ago." He said, and ouch, "Well you didn't do a very good job." On Thanksgiving. Ouch. Yes, I was offended. In fact, later when he was finished, someone asked where Dad was and I replied that he was probably cleaning the bathroom. Then I asked the kids if they would please wash the windows, who cares if it's Thanksgiving. Then I realized he was just being nice, minus the comment about me not doing a good job, of course. I was being a real jerk. So I snapped out of it. Anyway, this morning when I had to move my chair to clean up the pee puddle, I was glad there were no dollhouse people or bobby-pins floating in it.

3. Yesterday, I wrapped most of the Christmas presents!!! Oooh, yah, ahead of the game for once! Sonja was home, so she helped me. We made piles of gifts, deciding who should get what. The three youngest have the biggest piles of course. Joe had no pile. I wrapped a pair of cheap earbuds for him. That's it. So I went online and ordered him something I hope he will like. Then I got my notebook out and wrote down what I got for each one in case we didn't get it all wrapped. When I got to Evelyn, shh, don't tell her this...there was no pile. I had forgotten to make her a pile. Don't feel bad, Ev, nothing personal, I always forget someone, this time it was you! And don't worry, I bought you something really nice... anyway, we got most of the stuff wrapped! And now I know exactly who I need to buy things for!

4. I took Jonathan, Charlotte Claire, and Camille to the pool yesterday. We met Abigail there. Since I did all the present wrapping, I had a hard time fitting in a work-out...I tried to escape to my room a few times, but kids needed me for important things. So I did like thirty wimpy push-ups, lifted my little weights for a few minutes, jogged in place, just a warm-up...then realized I had to get dinner prepared if I was leaving...so I consoled myself that I was going to the pool.

5. The scale is creeping back down. This morning I was only 1.6 pounds more than my lightest weight.(in like 25 years, anyway) So I am re-losing, but still. I am going in the right direction.

And that is enough of that random stuff. Ha, as if. We are still considering our trip to the Dominican Republic, but not until March-ish, because of demands at work for Paul. He said that looking forward to it is the best part anyway, and I disagree. Okay, I sort of agree. I then suggested we go next week, which he said No to. Won't work. Month's End at work, he said.

So now I have a new goal, weight-wise. There is nothing like a looming trip to the warm part of the world to get me on track!

And since I like accomplishing things, I had better get my lazy rear out of this comfy chair and get moving. The darks need to go in the dryer, after the giant load of towels comes out, of course. And I can't just throw the towels on the couch, because the huge pile of socks is there, mostly matched.

I need to go to the store, again, because we are out of milk, bread, yogurt. I also ran out of wrapping paper yesterday. We also need more tape, and a package of tacks to hand up Christmas things. So off I go....

well, that ain't happenin'.....

No vacation for us. Wah. Paul has something going on at work, the only week that would work for us. Wah. January, February...March...those months are much more difficult because Joseph will probably not be here to get the kids on the bus, Mirielle will be back in college after Christmas break...AND, Paul has vacation to use before the end of the year. Ironic.

Anyway, I was very disapointed about not being able to go. For a mere two days, I was all of the sudden so hopeful that we were going away to sunshine, it is hard to believe the let down is so painful!

I know, I am a big baby. I was telling myself that this morning after I got the last of the kids out the door and on that school bus. We have SO much to be thankful for...(but the BEACH, THE SUNSHINE, SLEEPING IN, relaxing...), we are so blessed, (but the ocean, the moonlit walks on the beach holding hands....)...rrr.

Anyway, I am getting over it. Wish he had never uttered those words, "Punta Cana".

Yesterday was a Shopping Day. And man, was it fun! Samuel, 17, didn't go to school...Margaret 15, didn't go to school...so I did what ever nice mom does when her kids skip, I took them to the mall! We got three secret Santa gifts taken care of, and a few more gifts bought. We had coffee from Starbucks, which those two really like. Sam actually had a Caramel Brulee Latte, I had a medium roast with a sugar-free mocha flavor shot, as did Margaret. We went to Target and took care of a few more gifts, then to the grocery store for milk and detergent beef and chicken and some coupon items.

Home, and dang, there was no time for the spaghetti meal Evelyn was starting to make...the kids had to get to choir practice, the older ones to band and chorus. I had to get Mali to court for that ticket. So...they had cereal for dinner. Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Golden Grahams, oh how I wanted some. I just waited, and my poor tummy growled rather loudly as we waited our turn at court.

Court was sad. The only other people there to stand before the judge were from the county jail, all dressed in orange with their hands and feet shackled. One young kid, no more than 18 or 19, had been incarcerated since February, but was going home next month, to appear back in court in January...he was crying, and his mama was posting bail. She wanted to hug him so badly, wipe away his tears...he couldn't with his hands shackled like that. I don't know what he did, but his mom still loves him. Then there was the lady who said she shot her boyfriend last month, just a few roads down from here...same road Mali totalled Abigail's car on, actually. She called 911 and admitted what she had just done. I wondered at the time what he did to deserve it, but since then I have re-thunk it, and yes I do know that, "re-thunk" is not a word. But I wonder now...if she just had problems, that poor lady. And now she is no longer part of the regular world. Her roots were coming in, no make-up, in chains and those ugly orange slip-on sneakers she wouldn't have been caught dead in, in her old life.

Anyway, after the cops (sorry Samuel - Criminal Justice Boy, I meant Police Officers, of course) escorted their prisoners out, Mali got to stand before His Honor. She chose to plead guilty, since the District Attorney had agreed to lower the charges to a non-moving violation, which means no penalty on the license. She got a fifty dollar fine and a $55 court surcharge. I paid. She has no money. I said, "Merry Christmas, Mali."

But I will still get her something. She is a good girl.

Sonja K. is home from school today. She says her tummy hurts.

Can't blame her, she heard about all the fun we had yesterday...

I never did fit in any exercise yesterday, but I ate sort of good. Okay, I had popcorn for dinner. When I got home it was late, too late for real food. blah.

But, today is another day. And even though we aren't going on a tropical vacation, I will be serious about my New Lifestyle.

And, what is the MOST important thing today? That I am good. Romans 2, verse 4, "......the goodness of God leads you to repentance.." So what does it mean to be good? To judge myself and be merciful. To hear what God is saying to me about ME. It is quite amazing how much easier it is to be gentle and forgiving when I know exactly how I myself fall short of all things virtuous.

When I am seeking these things that are really important, then I am a blessing to my family.

So that's good for me. Because this is something I can do, something I can work on.

I am thankful that Being A Good Mom isn't all about being organized, or remembering everything. I don't have to be clever, and figure out just what each one needs. I can just ask of God, He gives wisdom to those who ask. And seriously, what each one mostly needs is a Mom who isn't harsh or short with them. Who labors to be patient. Who gives without demanding thankfulness.

So I have my work cut out for me, because by nature, I am not a patient person!!! And, since I know it is my job, I will clean this place up, match the socks, plan a decent dinner. I know God doesn't make mistakes, but sometimes I am tempted to wonder why He thought I would be all right with sixteen kids. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly. But. I feel like I deserve a prize when I clean out the refrigerator. I will organize a cupboard, swear it will stay that way, then show all the kids how clean it is. We will ooh and aw over it, and they will say, "Mom, it won't stay that way."

I am excited for Christmas this year. I have to clean out my closet and see what I have for everyone. Benjamin will be home and that is very exciting for us.

today is the first day...

of the rest of your life. I don't know who gets credit for this phrase, I vote my mother does. I heard it so much growing up, I didn't even think about it. But that was my thought this morning as I stepped on the scale. Now, don't get me wrong, I haven't gained tons of weight back or anything, but I AM 3 pounds heavier than the lightest weight I had gotten to. So it's Back To Business.

No more pie.

Sam wants me to bake cookies. Um, no.

Exercise, every day.

All of the sudden, it's Christmas-time. It was snowing out like crazy this morning, and as I waited for the bus with the little kids outside, shivering, I told them we can decorate the house soon. I have lots of shopping to do. I didn't end up getting much when we went out on Black Friday. So we are going to let the older kids pick something out online, within reason. Today is Cyber Monday, so I plan to be searching for some deals.

It is a busy time of the year. Tonight I have to go to court with Mali about that accident several months ago. Her last court date was cancelled because of Hurricane Sandy. The kids also have band and choir and chorus practices for our upcoming Christmas Feast in Ottowa. Several of them will be driving up there this weekend for a practice. I am not in any of the musical groups, because I love my friends. I cannot sing. I make mySELF wince when I do. I do not know my notes. Seriously. And I am not discriminating, when I think something is off, it is REALLY off. Anyway, this week is busy with things night after night.

But. Paul said some magical words last night...words that I do not want to get too excited about because we don't know yet if we can swing it yet. But. He said, "Punta Cana". In December. Oh joy, I can't even think of anything else right now! I have things to do, rooms to clean, places to go...but I just want to go online and look at places. Cheap places, of course. Sunny warm cheap places, all-inclusive places. The beaches in Punta Cana...long white sandy beaches...oh dear. I DO wish I could take the whole family. Sort of. But. Oh my, I am so excited. I hope it works out...

In the meantime, we need food here, again. Good, healthy, nutritious food. Chicken and veggies. Price Chopper has the whole bone-in breasts for a buck a pound. Also some beef for $2.48 a pound. Perhaps I will make a weekly menu one of these days, and maybe even a chore chart...Punta Cana. Ha, that's what my thoughts are like.

So....off I go to do some work around here. I have had much encouragement this past weekend, we went to a couples' conference...so I am encouraged to stand before God in all that I do. To humble myself, not get offended by things. Keep the peace in our home by being a sacrifice inwardly. Sounds torturous, but it reaps blessings abundantly.

Yesterday we worked at the Dome, so I missed Day Two of the conference. wah. But someone has to do it, we have a relatively small group and are very fortunate to have landed the concession work at the Dome. I personally think going there and being with all my friends, mostly the youth, from church, is worth it. I see their enthusiastic faces, and it makes me happy.

Punta Cana. I want to jump up and down and say, Make It Work!!!! Because...around here, Paul and I cannot have a single conversation without all the Momming and Dadding and very important questions being asked of us. Ha, that's obviously not the total reason I am excited. Sand, sun, relaxation...ahh. I have my little fingers crossed.

thanksgiving pie, how I hate thee....

You look so good, you smell even better. Your crust melts in my mouth with it's buttery crunch. The tartness of the apples with the cinnamon make me want to cut another little slice. As Aaron says, it is good to have an apple pie on the counter so one can just take a piece of apple every time one walks by. And pumpkin pie, how I hate thee...with your spicy creamy richness...coconut cream, I cannot resist your charms...

Pies, I hate thee. I am glad you are all gone for the year. I shall not make you again until next year, when I am hopefully like fifty pounds lighter....and I have much better self-control.

Aaah, Christmas is coming. I dread the the yumminess the season brings. I was thinking a few weeks ago that I don't mind the holidays, I shall just be strict with myself. I can do this. But. ha. Self-control, where did you go? Having a piece of pie is like a snowball rolling down a hill for me. I forgot I was such a hungry thing. I am remembering now.

So. I know the Christmas season (notice I did not say, "Holiday Season"? I am an American, I have rights. I reserve the right to say, "Christmas"!!!)Anyway, I know that there will be temptations. So. Starting tomorrow, I am going to behave myself. More than behave. Work really really hard.

I just wanted to check in and let you all know I am alive and well.

pictures of thanksgiving...I

I am tired, the wee hours of the morning are creeping in, and I am falling asleep in my chair. I have more pictures, for another day. Joseph and Kathryn are the only ones who went late night shopping. I didn't see anything worth battling the crowds for.

We ate too much pie, and laughed too much. We all wrote things down that we were thankful for, then Kathryn read them and we had to guess who wrote them, then vote for the best. The best: Emily's submission, "Benjamin came home safely from Afghanistan."