all by my lonesome....

Here's the thing: I love my kids. Of course I do! And I won't be redundant and list all the blah blah blah reasons for this, but I will just say this: sometimes, just sometimes, this mama longs for a wee little bit of quiet time.

Because I am nice. I am too nice to just go in my room and shut the door, especially when older kids come to visit. I am too nice to sit here on my computer when the kids are up and about and wanting/needing attention. I am too nice to go anywhere without taking whoever wants to come with me, especially because I know the value of one on one time, or more realistically, one on two or three or four time, ha.

So yesterday, I felt a strong longing for quiet time. I know, I know, I am lucky to never be lonely. My mother used to tell me all the time that someday I would miss the slamming of doors as kids went in and out, and the constant background noise, even the fighting. But that knowledge of what the future might hold doesn't negate the feeling of overstimulation that comes from never ever being all by myself. It isn't anyone in particular, it's the constant barrage of input, of conversation, of interaction, leaving me unable to ever even think a full thought.

So anyway, yesterday morning Emily came over and picked up Evelyn, Suzanne, and Sonja for a day of waffles, hiking, and going out to lunch. Samuel was here with Kathryn, who had the day off from work, Jonathan, Charlotte Claire, and Camille. Sam needed to go out and about for a few things, and I couldn't accompany because I was waiting for the guy to come look at the septic pump. Sam took them all with him...only Joseph was here, and he was working. I delighted in the silence. I swept up and did dishes, then sat down with a book...then the guy called and said he was on his way...by the time I finished talking to him about the repairs (he has to come back today), Sam was home with the kids.

We needed things from the store. I offered anyone and everyone to come, but they had already gone out with Sam, and wanted to stay here and hang out with him. So, poor me, ha, off I went! I stopped in Walmart first, and pawed through the bra racks, trying to find my size (what do big girls DO? It's so hard to find a bra! And when I look around me, I don't see just small girls, so why do the bra sizes reflect only smaller women? I do not get it.)(And in Walmart, of all places! One would think....rrr.)Anyway, I tried some one, and actually found one that might work. I did all this without apologizing to anyone or any kids, ha, and I took my sweet time. I looked through the tank tops and found a few for summer, and I looked at the baby section to find a little something for my brother's new grandson, baby Elijah. I found some sweet things for little Lydia, too. I bought her THREE $3 dresses, with no teenagers telling me their opinion of that.

Then to the grocery store...I have gotten used to shopping with kids who can run and get things I forgot to get, so I found myself backtracking here and there, but it was not too shabby to shop all by my lonesome. I could think thoughts, and I didn't end up buying snack crackers and Buffalo pretzels, or bulk candy. I could talk to the cashier without any eyerolling going on behind me, and I loaded up the van just the way I like, cold things near cold things, ect.

The best part was thinking thoughts with no interruptions. Years ago, I remember envying Paul his commute to and from work, because he had that time all to himself. In those days, if I wanted to think a thought, I had to set an alarm for the middle of the night, but I never did that because I always had a baby that would wake me up anyway, and I remember enjoying those times of quiet, tired as I was.

The grass IS always greener, and we do tend to wish for whatever it is we don't have, but some quiet time once in a while is golden. With so much going on with each of the kids, and the fact that this has been their school break, I needed it. I didn't listen to music, I just talked to God, and thought about things.

This fine morning, Duke woke up at 6:30. On a SATURDAY MORNING. Paul got up with him, and I felt guilty, but I still stayed in that comfy bed...then I smelled coffee...and I just couldn't fall back to sleep...so at 7:30, up I got. And here I sit. The floors need sweeping, and ect, but here I sit. Paul is getting things packed up for the dump, and I feel lazy and bummy, but here I sit. In less than and hour, I am leaving to help Emily prepare/cater lunch for a planning meeting of 50 people. We are making salads with steak or chicken, and garlic bread.

My coffee is almost gone, and the day is starting...Sunny and Suri are out "helping" Paul get things in the truck, Duke snores blissfully. He can't hear anymore, so when Paul asked who wanted to go Bye-Bye, Duke just slept on. He can barely get in the truck anyway.

So this is my life...a chunky middle aged lady who blissfully wanders around Walmart all by herself...delighting in stopping at Dunkin and only ordering one coffee...yet tomorrow when the house is full of older kids visiting and younger kids vying for attention, laughing and joking and arguing, the coffee brewing and the dinner table overflowing...the dogs excited and wagging tails spilling drinks, I will be in heaven.