...I lost a baby. I've healed and moved on, after all, it was 21 years ago. Ancient history. It wasn't "just" a miscarriage, this one, no, he was a seven month baby, all perfect, he was big enough to be wrapped lovingly in a blue striped hospital blanket.
To be honest, I mostly forget about him now, all these years later. But I was reading a book, which started out with a woman giving birth, only to be told so sorry, the baby didn't make it. I was shocked at the depth of my reaction, the tears and longing feeling for the baby to just breathe!
Maybe you never really heal and move on. I think we categorize things, some of us. Well I wasn't quite full term, it could have been worse. If he was born alive, THEN died, then I'd have something really to be upset about. And of course there was the fact that I had a lot of children already, so how sad could I be? This, of course, is utter nonsense.
Everyone is this world has their sufferings and their trials, and life does go on. You can't dwell on things, but you also cannot just sweep them under the rug and slap a smile on your face, like I did so long ago. I cried for the entire weekend, from the time the dr. broke the news there was no heartbeat, in a routine Friday afternoon check up, until Monday morning...all through the induction and "birth". I spent one night in that hospital afterwards, and every time I heard the sound of wheels rattling down the hallway, I thought they were bringing my newborn to me, old habits and all. It was gruesome, torturous, to know there was no baby coming to nurse.
But I went home, and I reveled in the children I had. The smile was slapped on my face. Sonja was only a year old, 13 months actually... I had 13 kids, oldest 18...no end to the busywork being their mama. It was a strange summer, as I wrote on here before. I was interested in Yankees baseball, for the first and only summer of my life, and would stay up and watch it with Joe and Aaron.
Jonathan was born ten months later. He was the biggest blessing, I practically held my breath the entire pregnancy, not letting myself believe he was real. He was born, he cried, he breathed. Emily was with us for the birth, it was an amazing thing, a beautiful thing.
Anyway. It's a story I've told before, and if happened so long ago, the intensity has been dulled, it's buried in old memories, but when it comes to mind so suddenly, so vividly, it just hurts.
It's like when I'm going along my way, all merrily, and suddenly I think of my mother and how much she delighted in lilacs, and the pang of missing her...ugh. You do adjust, and move on, and fill your life, but sometimes those losses sneak up on you.
I've always been an optimistic person, why dwell on sad things? There is so much to be thankful for! But, two things can be true at once. Thankful, AND a bit sad.
Anyway, enough of that. Here and now, it's sunny and the pool is calling to me. I am delighting in exercising in the water every single morning, helps me move better. If I ever win the lottery, I am SO getting an indoor endless pool! (Since that won't happen, I'll just be thankful I can go to the rec center three times a week...and in the warm weather, use my backyard pool.)
Four more nights here, and home....ahh, home. I miss home, but I do love being here too. We get home on Saturday night, then Camille has an MRI on Sunday afternoon. It was supposed to be this morning, but the hospital called to reschedule it, they had a cancellation on Sunday, did I want that, or book into the middle of July? Sunday afternoon seems like a strange time for an MRI, but I'll take it.
We're going camping on the weekend of June 7th, maiden voyage of the lovely new camper. The following weekend is Miss Charlotte Claire's graduation party/leaving for Germany party, then a few weeks later is our summer conference at church, then not long after that, Miss Sonja's wedding, with rehearsal dinner, wedding shower, all that stuff. We end the summer with another camping weekend, but I am hoping to fit one more in the middle of all the other busy stuff, in July maybe, Adirondacks.
Ah well....time to get my suit on and get moving in the pool before the sun gets too much stronger! Have a good day!
3 comments:
What a difficult time that must have been for you. I can only imagine. My mom had 7 miscarriages, thankfully I didn't have any. It must have been a surprise when you felt those pains of grief pop up again after all these years. I'm glad you're allowing yourself to feel them.
It sounds like you have a busy summer coming up! I bet you're excited to try out that camper. And the wedding... so much to look forward to.
My mom had an early miscarriage before I came along and she never forgot it. I can't imagine what you endured then and still now. Hugs.
Cindy, yes, you can be so thankful for what you have, and also mourn something sad at the same times...I think I felt guilty for being sad, way back when. Your poor mama, that's rough. And yes, so excited for the camper. And the wedding...ahh, so much fun but shh, it'll be nice when it's all over and done, there is SO much to do!
Terri, it's such a sad thing, Thank you. You are always so kind. :)
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