hmmm....

I am tired. I was reading a book last night...and the fun around here just didn't stop...I think I was trying to stay up until it was quiet, and....a few of my girls were silly until almost midnight, texting me and asking me questions which I was answering with, "go to sleep!"...I finally went into their room and told them enough was enough. I should have gone to bed then, but I still hadn't had my peace and quiet, which I was really craving...blah. I am tired today, but I did finish my book.

Being tired puts everything in a slightly hopeless light. This morning I am questioning my weight loss efforts. I go down, than back up a little, then down, so that it takes a month to lose a few pounds. I want things to move faster, but wanting it alone isn't working. My efforts haven't been 100%, and part of me feels like giving up, but that is NOT an option. So I am going to be much more diligent to eat clean. See, yesterday I mixed up a triple batch of chocolate chip cookies...I did not eat a single one. But. I ate some cookie dough. Probably three cookies worth. blah. Then there is the snack I ate in the store when I started feeling shaky... But today is a new day. And as I walked this morning I decided to get back to my old zeal, to see some results. The thing is, I did not start out to lose this weight to look better. I wanted to get healthy. I wanted to feel better, get rid of my heartburn. And it worked. Now I want to lose more, to get healthier, to be able to do more. Part of me is terrified of gaining the weight back, but I am not listening to that particular worry, I am just working on trying to lose more. One thing that is kind of hard is when people tell me that I look so good...I can't help but think how "bad" I looked before. (but don't get me wrong, I don't mind a compliment! And I certainly don't ever want to be offended by well-meaning comments...!) I sort of don't care, but...I don't like how we are so shallow and how much "looks" matter. I am still the same person. One relative actually said to me recently, after she told me how wonderful I look, "You were so HUGE!". ouch. Being fat is so misunderstood...we live in this time, where food is so celebrated, so varied, so available. Cheap snacks, everywhere all the time. And once those pounds start going on, one feels hopeless, and why bother? Then moving and exercising becomes dreadful, even stairs are scary. And then the knees hurt, and the lower back, and exercise becomes even more frightful. Why bother? blah. It is possible to break out of that vicious circle, I am proof of that. I am still in the midst of my battle, which I suspect I will be fighting all of my days on this earth. While I am on this subject, I would like to say one thing in my defense, and in the defense of many overweight people: just because one is fat, doesn't mean one pigs out all the time. Being heavy is the cumulative effect of burning less calories than one consumes. Yes, I ate more cookies than one should, but...I didn't go to McD's and eat two BigMacs and a large fries. In fact, I never ordered fries...okay, so I snitched a few from the kids, but I never ordered my own.

I am also still sniffing from the terrible sobbing cry I just had for myself after reading that one of the guys from Ben's base died in combat earlier in the month. Yes, it is a war, and soldiers die, but...that was someone's son, brother, husband, or dad. It is terribly sad.

(Jen, if you email me at dellamom16@yahoo.com, I will send Ben's address. I couldn't figure out how to email you!)

Benjamin, if you are reading this, I bought you some more ravioli. And some gum. I miss you, and think of you a million times a day.

School is winding down. Sam and Margaret are in high school, and are finished except for state exams. Sam is taking one right now and will be calling me for a ride home soon. The younger kids have 3 and a half more days, they are done next Tuesday. The end of the year is like a joke, all the things they do...Friday is Field Days, playing outside all day.

Yesterday afternoon after my cookies came out of the oven, before I was too tempted to try one, I left to go shopping with my sister Cheryl. No kids. We went to Target, where I found a birthday present for my niece, a few tops for me for super cheap, and some boxers for Jon. Then to Price-Chopper...I got a cup of coffee, strawberry shortcake flavored...no sugar, just that hint of strawberry flavor. It wasn't bad, but it was late in the day and it was...cold. I am sort of used to drinking cold coffee, so I didn't mind too much. Then I started getting really shaky in the store, and I realized I hadn't eaten very much, and that cookie dough must have spiked my blood sugar, then it dropped, and having the coffee, blah. So I had to decide between the granola bar in my purse, and a the remnants of a Dove dark chocolate bar with almonds. ha, no contest. I love dark chocolate. It made me feel much better....except for the guilt, ha.

Well, Miss Camille wants me...she is sitting here on the arm of my chair asking me what I am writing. So I shall get moving...there is bedding to wash and exercising to do...and Sam will need to be picked up soon.