does the sun have any right to shine today?

More suicides occur in the spring and summer, as opposed to the holiday season, as some people believe. One could speculate that perhaps a depressed person just can't fathom the hopefulness of the warm seasons, thinking life just can't get better. I don't know. But it was a warm, springlike day when my brother took his life four years ago.

Today the sun shines. It should be raining, dark and dreary. But life goes on, doesn't it?

I am allowed to be sad. I am allowed to shed a few tears, and feel the grief. I don't have to try to look at the bright side, to count my blessings. There is a season for everything, yet even as I type this, I know I am trying to push away the sadness and dwell on the good things in my life. It's how we survive these things, I guess.

The cemetery my parents are buried in sits high on a hill, with a breathtaking view. The other night I drove towards it, that beautiful hill, with it's stones and crosses illuminated by the pink sky of the sunset....and I thought about my mom and my dad and about Billy being there. Billy is there illegally, I think, which is just the way he would have wanted it, yes, he would think it is funny. Funny that we buried his ashes there on top of my parents...my brothers brought their own shovel, and we sneaked that box of ashes in, and buried him. All by ourselves, the remaining siblings. It seemed fitting to put him with my parents. He always wanted to be cremated, so we did that. We thought of scattering his ashes on the beach, or on the water, places he loved. But decided to put him with our parents.

But now I need to pull myself together, because there is a basketball game today at the Dome, and yes, we are working. I need to take a shower and pack a healthy lunch for Paul and I, and clean up this gosh-forsaken heckhole, as Marge Simpson would say.

Tomorrow I shall take Suzanne shopping, as I promised I would do for her birthday which was a few weeks ago. She needs a few shirts.

The next day is Mali's birthday, 19 years old. Mali is my sweet girl, she is in nursing school, and has been working really really hard to get decent grades. Mali has not always been the easiest child to be the parent of, but of course we love her with all our hearts, and just want the best for her. We pray for her, and encourage her to make the right decisions....and guess what? She seems to be changing and turning her life around. I love her so much no matter what she chooses in life, but I want to see her happy.

There is no manual for parenting. What worked with Emily didn't work with Abigail, and certainly not with Benjamin! They are all individuals, and no set of rules can apply for all of them. One of the things I try to establish with my kids is this: I am not against you. I am FOR you. I fight my battles, my stubborness, my anger, my impatience, and you fight yours. I will encourage you in your fight, I will straighten you out when you need it, but I am FOR you. We all have the same nature, with it's sinful tendencies. It doesn't matter that I happen to be the Mom.

I try to put myself in my kids' shoes. Would I like an ultimatum? Would I like to be yelled at? Would I like to have no choice? Would I like to be talked to sternly? Nope nope nope nope. We know that love covers a multitude of sins, and that a gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger, to not provoke your children lest they become discouraged, and not to be too hard on them but show them the way of the Lord. These verses make it clear that the parents have a huge responsibility! I need to take heed to myself...do you know it is written, "Take heed to yourself and your teaching, persevere in those things, and by doing so you will save both yourself, and those who hear you."(1 Tim. 4:16).

A funny thing happened to me in the locker room at the pool yesterday. There was a mom with two young children, and she loved them. She spoke to them like they were the treasures they are, she was patient with them. After she left to go into the pool, some teenagers were remarking about what a good mom she was. One of them said, "I can't imagine if my mom talked to me like that. If she said, "Ashley" (she mimicked the mom in a sweet kind voice) instead of "ASHLEY" (she rather roared this version of her mom saying her name..). Then they agreed that the mom with the two little ones seemed like she never got angry. Ever. I thought it was so sweet, yet I felt bad for those teenagers. Anyway, I happened to meet up with the mom later, and told her what the girls had said about her. Then I found out that she is my son's English teacher!

Anyway....it is a good fight, this fight against sin. It is so worth it to say NO to my impatience, to my having to be right, to my wanting the last word. Peace can reign then, and it sets a good precedent in the house. Kids aren't stupid. They can spot Do AS I SAY NOT AS I DO a million miles away, and they don't like it.

So I am done preaching for the day...but I will say this: I often have no idea how to handle things here, and find myself in much need and in prayer for guidance and wisdom.