summer 2011

summer 2011

Paul and I, all 16 kids and Ashley, Benjamin's wife...Christmas 2012

Paul and I, all 16 kids and Ashley, Benjamin's wife...Christmas 2012

Thursday, March 6, 2014

it has been five years now...

since the horrible awful unbelievable mind-numbing night that my brother took his life.

It is supposed to get easier, and perhaps in some ways it has.

Some days go by and I don't even think about it.

But there is still that punch-in-the-gut remembering thing that happens when I think about Billy in the context of how he would think something or other was funny. Hits me anew, I groan and wonder for the millionth time what in the world possessed him to do something permanent. So final.

I don't spend all of my days wondering, nor do I dwell on sad thoughts. It occurred to me that the longer we live here on this earth, the more sad anniversaries of things we rack up...7 years since my dad died, 8 since my mom died, ect. ect. Life is too short to be pulled under by sad memories.

I don't always get sad when I think of Billy. Sometimes my son Joseph will give me that look, that look that makes me feel foolish. Billy was an expert at that. He was wise and perceptive, scoffing, yet tender when you least expected it. He loved the babies and little ones, and took such good care of our parents in their last days. He was supremely intelligent, and long before the internet days of looking up info in just seconds, he was a go-to, as he read voraciously and retained everything he ever read. He loved to bless and give. He really did. Caramel cream candies...oh they remind us all of Billy.

But life goes on, and there are things to deal with here at home. Camille has been sick. I got home from working at the Dome the other night and found out she had been lying on the couch with a headache. Paul gave her Tylenol before he tucked her in. I didn't even wake her up yesterday for school, because asix year old who lies on the couch with a headache is coming down with something. I was right. She is sick.
Miss Camille is a snuggler on a good day, she gets sick and oh my she loves her mama.

Her fever spiked last evening....I am thankful for ibuprofen.

She is a bit better today, temperature down to 101, and watching silly shows on televison. I talked Charlotte Claire into going to school alone, which she so bravely did. Cam is sick, but still happy to be here:)

And, I had to add this happy picture, because there are still so many blessings in life.... Our children are our biggest blessings, but these two pups sure add to the love around here. They are just so sweet and good and friendly. Paul doesn't like his picture taken much, but I took it anyway.

I took a quick little trip to Walmart with Mirielle yesterday afternoon after the school kids got home. We needed a few things like grapefruit and bananas and yogurt and coffee, and some popsicles and fudge bars and creamsicles for the sick child. I also cruised the clearance section and got Jonathan some $3 pants, a really sweet $3 shirt for Charlotte Claire and some jeans, and some things for Mali for her birthday, which is in two days.

It is sunny today, and according to the weatherman, it will be warming up quite nicely: into the 20's. That IS a warm-up, comparatively, but oh my goodness it has been a long cold winter. Tomorrow it is forecast to climb out of freezing to 39 (3.8 c) degrees! 39 degrees and sunny!!!

Camille has asked for lemonade, so I will go make some from lemon juice and sugar and bad as I feel for Camille, I don't mind taking care of her one little bit...I would rather be sick myself than see any of my kids suffer. But it's nice to be needed.


kristine barr said...

Your thoughts about sadness really hit my heart today. You are right, everyone with some years on them, has periods when we think of those who are gone. Your thoughts made me think of my own losses and realize we all have them.

Martha said...

Sending you my love and hugs today. You are right, we mustn't let the sadness pull us under, but the love we have often brings tears. God knows that, and those tears, I think those are the ones He collects.