only twenty....

 ....that's not all of us, but that's how many were here yesterday for dinner....a nice big crockpot full of homemade meatballs, pasta, Italian bread and butter, celery and carrots, and before dinner cheese, crackers, and pepperoni.  

Up with the sun...why, oh why, is it so hard to get up when I have to get up, but Saturdays and Sundays I'm wide awake when I could sleep in?

This fine morning, I went to the pool, then home...Kathryn texted, she wanted to get out of the house, as today is her due date, and well, you need to keep busy.  I behaved myself and didn't embarrass her, I almost told half the people in the stores today that it's her due date...but I didn't.  

Old Navy has a Bouncy Ball machine, only 25 cents.  

We went to Target, for coffee filters and seltzer, chicken breast, and this:

Isn't that too cute?  It's for Ruth!  Kathryn bought one for Rhys too, I should get one for Ophelia, but she probably has so many from Lydia...I do love shopping for the grandkids.  When Kathryn's baby is born, we will have 12, an even dozen...six boys, six girls...then THREE MORE are due in August and September, so we'll have fifteen!  

Anyway...we went to Aldi, for strawberries, red potatoes, cabbage, carrots, eggs, cream, tortilla chips...then I ran into Tops because the burger was on sale...I also got two small steaks for dinner tonight, buy one get one free....

I really really really want to go to the fabric store...I just haven't managed to get there, and I have a spiffy sewing machine.  Problem is, I have to set it up on the kitchen table, and it's a pain to put it all back away when people (grandkids) come over...but hmmm...maybe they'll just look at it and leave it...maybe I'll just get it out...

Did you know:

1.  I never get bored.  There is always something to do.  I also love to be home alone.  

2.  The other day I realized that I'm 57, not 56.

3.  I love and admire organization, but don't seem to be very capable of keeping things organized.

4.  Cleaning the kitchen as I go is the ONLY way, I cannot cook or bake in a messy kitchen.

5.  I'm getting the itch to clean things out again, downsize, get rid of more things.

6.  The Queen of Procrastination, that's me!  When I finally accomplish something I've put off for ages, oh it's nice, phew.  Phone calls are high on the Put It Off list.

7.  Steak, beef, burger:  better than chicken or pork, but bacon is #1, bacon and eggs is one of the best meals.

8.  Chocolate is a necessity.  I can cut back, and I can skip days, but sometimes I need chocolate. I'm already excited for the Norwegian chocolate that Charlotte Claire will be bringing home from Norway.

9.  We have three guitars in our living room.

10. Toys, toys, toys...I do love toys.

11. A perfect day:

      a.  Rain....dark, wild rain, windy, a good book, hot coffee, no one else home (as long as we're dreaming, the house would be spotless, and I'd have a platter of strawberries, chocolate, low carb cookies, and a steak)

     b.  the beach, 80 degrees and sunny, with a slight breeze, with warm wavy water to dip in every half hour.

      c. The whole family over on a summer day...burgers, hot dogs on the grill, a watermelon...

      d.  wineries with the older girls

      

I am overdue for some time spent with my sister...we used to go shopping together all the time...

Sometimes when I should be sleeping, I think about things.  I should just get my laptop out in the night and write down my thoughts.  Thing is, when you're almost sixty, most of your life is behind you, so you realize that the things on your some day agenda might not actually happen.  You wonder how you lost touch with your brother.   I have a Best Friend with whom I've lost touch...I cannot even believe it happened. She moved in with her father before Covid hit, to take care of him, so I rarely saw her...we were friends since middle school...all these years, all the kids (she has 12!), then Covid happened, and she seriously locked down, no ifs-ands-or buts about it, so I didn't see her for a few years!  Now...I don't know...she stopped coming to church, I've texted her a few times here and there,  then ran into her at Aldi, saw her at Christmas... but how does this happen?  

Today is also the 14th anniversary of my brother's death.  I cannot believe it's been so long.  Melancholy.  It's an excellent word, but a horrible feeling.  Atrocious.  Shocking. Horrific.  Mind-numbing.  That night seemed like hell visited earth for a while.  Paul and I had gone out shopping for flooring for our living room, and were headed home when my sister called.  She told me, "Billy shot himself.  He's dead."  She was also in shock, and there's no easy way to say those words.  They're pivotal words, life never goes back to how was before you heard them. 

We gathered there at my brother Tom's house, where Billy had been staying.  It was a chilly, windy night, and the police came.   Those lights flashing and flashing, Tom, who had found him, hugged me tight and said, "Jesus Christ, Billy, Jesus Christ." over and over again, just in shock.  The whole night, unbelievable.  why? why?  why?  We would have helped you Billy, we would have.  What was wrong?

(For clarity, he was smart, funny, clever, caring...he took care of our parents when they were sick.... He had been offered a nice position with the post office, and another with the county, as an electrician.  He had money, plenty of it.  When he died he had NO drugs OR alcohol in his system, but he did have very high levels of carbon monoxide, probably from the heater he was using in small space...whether that impaired his judgement, we'll never know)

In any case, it's still awful and sad and unbelievable.   I miss him terribly, and it doesn't really get better.  The days go by, and sometimes I forget about him for a bit, but every time I remember, it's just as bad.  That night, after I got home, the shaking and shivering wouldn't stop, I wasn't just cold, it was shock.  When I think about it too much, I start shaking again, right now I am freezing. 

(Those morons up in Canada with their assisted suicide laws...don't even get me started.  People need HOPE, and HELP)

Anyway.  Sorry to turn this post into a real downer.  You know my life is a good one, and I am actually very thankful and happy, but there are thorns, and this is one of them, my brother Billy.  

Off I go now, to warm up, and make some dinner...