sad memories

5 years ago today was a sad day....it was the day that Robert William was "born"....poor little thing....I was 6 months into my pregnancy, for my 14th child, and he had been moving quite a bit....then it seemed it slowed a bit, but I wasn't alarmed (I would be now, alot of that blind take-it-for-granted stuff is gone forever)anyway, I went to the midwife for a routine check, and she couldn't find the heartbeat....I lay there wondering why....so she suggests we do a quick sonogram....and as I lay there, she isn't saying a work, just moving the wand around.....I started to get worried....she went and got the dr., and he too moved the wand, very quietly....and he said, "Well, this baby has died." No, No, No, No, NO! Then, I thought, I want it out...I don't want it in here....(isn't that awful?)....it was a Friday afternoon...the dr. suggested we wait until Monday morning to induce labor, and have the baby. He said it is good idea to get used to what was going on. I was too stunned to argue. So, I drove toward home.....Abigail was with me, and I stopped at a dollar store and sent her in for some treats for the kids. Then I called my sister-in-law, K., and asked her to call my parents, ect.....I just couldn't talk to everyone...then I went home...I waited in my room for my husband to come in and change from his nice work clothes....I told him.....and I cried, cried, cried.....the kids knew something was wrong, and I decided that I wasn't going to try to be strong, just go with the grief....I went into the living room....."the baby in mommy's tummy has died, you guys...." What? I just sat on the couch and cried, and they cried with me. It was a comfort, looking back, to just cry with them....that was a tough weekend. My mother and K. came to visit me on Saturday, which was nice....then on Sunday night, I had to take the start-contractions medicine, and it went against everything in me to swallow it...

The next morning, we went to the hospital, and as I sat waiting to be checked in, a young, pregnant, excited girl kept trying to start conversation......I couldn't even look at her because if I told her why I was there, she would feel stupid....so I ignored her, and envied her, but wished her all the best at the same time...

Apparently, my nice dr. (he really is nice) forgot to inform the hospital that I was coming in (they know me well up there), and the head nurse, my cousin's wife, greeted me with joy, and ,"I didn't know you were having another one, congratulations!!" Well, I hate to break it to you lady, but......

The drugs I took to induce labor were heavy duty, and made me sick....and I was just so sad....and frankly, I was terrified....I wasn't ready to meet a baby that was so unknown....I didn't know what to expect.....I wanted it to be a miracle, and have it be born alive....but it wasn't born alive, and it was the stranges thing....it hurt very badly, and I was scared, and I implored God to help me....seems when the baby is so small like that, sometimes he/she doesn't come out very easily, so the dr. had to reach in and help.....but God did help me, and it was fine....the dr. was so kind...he tried to arrange my baby nicely on the blanket, and my favorite nurse wrapped him up so tenderly and handed him to me....then they left us alone....his eyes were closed, and he was so small. The dr. thought he probably had died about a week before. He was so helpless....I just wanted him to wake up, to cry, to root to be fed....and honestly, he wasn't beautiful. I said goodbye to him.....and I went home and lied to the kids....I said he was beautiful.....I didn't want him remembered any differently.....

My mother-in-law took care of the burial.....so to the cemetary we went.....Benjamin was 14, and seeing him with tears streaming down his face, pulling his hat down to cover his eyes....I can't describe how sad it is to have a baby inside you, then have that baby buried in the ground. The dr. said the cord could have caused the death, or the spine may have not been properly fused.....but it didn't matter.

Margaret took it hard....she had kindergarten graduation the night Robert was "born"....so my dear sister Cheryl took her....Emily graduated from high school that year, and I was supposed to have a big party here for her and Cheryl's daughter Becky....Cheryl saved the day again, and had the party at her house....I was in a fog....as much as I believed that God sends me what is best for me, I still had to grieve....I watched baseball that summer...never before, and never since....but I stayed up til all hours watching those Yankees.....and slept half the day...seemed I couldn't get enough sleep.....then, six weeks later, I was pregnant again.....it was scary to feel good about it....my previous sigh-of-relief at 12 weeks was replaced by a new knowledge, that nothing is certain....then when I found out it was a boy, I felt that God was truly blessing me....and he was born April 30, less than a year after Robert....and I thought I would be okay.....but I can still cry my eyes out for that poor little guy. And when people ask how many kids I have, I want to say, "17"....because in my heart, that's how many I have....