summer 2011

summer 2011

Paul and I, all 16 kids and Ashley, Benjamin's wife...Christmas 2012

Paul and I, all 16 kids and Ashley, Benjamin's wife...Christmas 2012

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

morning thoughts...

It should be a cozy quiet should be. But one Little Miss Sunshine has her own evil plans. There is a garbage can turned over outside, with the bag that was in it all shredded up, trash littered all over the icy snow. I went out there this morning wearing Jonathan's boots (they're huge, and easy to slip on quickly) to see why Sunny didn't come right back in with Suri and Duke. Well, because she was having a little party! First of all, you must know this: here in central New York state, we had freezing rain yesterday afternoon. Lots of it. Our little world is covered in a sheet of ice. The cars are glazed, and the yard is like a skating rink. So for me to navigate the deck steps then waddle across the yard in those huge boots...I had my arms out for balance, like I was walking on the was so slippery! I picked up the main garbage, but I was sliding everywhere, and hey, if I go down, it would be you know...the bigger you are the harder you fall.

So I left some of it out there, decorating the side yard. That just about screams that we'll have unexpected company today.

Tomorrow, the insurance adjuster is coming to check out the minivan.

And today, Margaret is coming over to work from home from here, because she doesn't have internet yet at her new apartment. (yay!)(I miss her!)

But for right now, I am the only one up besides the doggies.

We are going to gymnastics this afternoon. It's supposed to warm up, the ice will melt, the yard will get soggy, and I will have to wipe 12 paws each time these guys come back into the house. But I shouldn't look at it that way...I get to wipe paws as they excitedly wag and greet me and try to lick my face and beg for treats (they always get a treat when they come inside). It's really not that bad.

As I was telling Terre, I have been had a multitude of excuses run through my head regarding the medical tests I am supposed to have. Excuse why I don't need them, which leads me to two I afraid of what will be found, or of what WON'T be found? Hearing the words, "You're found, the tests are all clear!", is what I want! Of course! Of course of course of course! I don't want anything to be wrong! But there is a tiny part of me, the pride part, that feels like if there's nothing wrong, it's a huge waste of time and money. And I won't even get into the money part, our insurance is awful. But my mother always said, "A lady doesn't talk about money", ha. Not really.

I do miss my mother these days. I wish I had asked her more questions. When you're young, you just think the world is a stable place, a place where people will always remain. You don't imagine that one day you realize that you won't be able to talk to your mom or dad ever again in your entire life. You can't possibly imagine a world where uncles and aunts and cousins and friends have died.

From my teenage perspective, back in the tenth grade, when my mother was battling breast cancer, yes, I worried. She had an invasive cancer that was in the lymph nodes, and back then, the mastectomy surgery was very radical. She lost muscle in her upper arms, and could barley brush her own hair...wait, she lost her hair. She was sick from the chemo, but back then, there wasn't Zofran. The chemo itself was harsher, less "refined". I worried she would die. I went with her sometimes to her doctor's appointments. She was always fun, didn't complain. I think she figured that if she didn't have much time left, she would make the most of it. I didn't even realize how much she must have been suffering, because she really didn't let on.

She lived another 25 years, but had a heart attack, and then kidney failure, nine years on dialysis.

I wish I had comforted her more, taken care of her more. During those years, I was having babies and was busy, she died when Miss Charlotte Claire was newborn. Oh, when Char was born, I brought her over to see my parents when she was only like three days old because my mother wasn't well enough to go to the hospital, and my dad had leukemia. My mother held her and was so thrilled to meet her. I'm glad I did that. It's a good memory. My poor mother. Her heart wasn't tolerating the dialysis so well at that point. They would have to stop it half way, and sometimes she ended up going to the hospital in an ambulance because of heart issues...she knew her days were numbered, so after that one last time of ending up in the E.R. from dialysis, she decided to just discontinue. That meant a matter of days were left to her. She was firm in her decision, wasn't afraid to die, she said. She didn't really have much choice, other than to try to continue those three times a week dialysis sessions, and hope she didn't have a stroke or heart attack in the chair. That is rather discouraged, ha. So she stayed in the hospital when they brought her in that last Friday...she checked right into the palliative care floor, and that was it. She lived until Thursday morning. And that week is a whole 'nother story, sad but also very uplifting. You can really see the character of a person when the trials are serious, and she just shined. She seemed genuinely glad to be ending her suffering, and just lit up that she was, "going to be with Jesus!"

Anyway. I miss her so much. She was a calming presence, a voice of reason, and also so much fun.

Paul has bone broth in the crock pot. I do not like the smell of it, but he thinks it smells great. It simmers there for days, steeping the I have a pan of water with cinnamon bubbling on the stove to try to cover it up. The kids are going to wake up and think we're having cinnamon rolls.

Last night, I made rosemary chicken breast strips, and a huge salad. It's nice to put all the salad toppings in bowls so we can take what we like. There was also fresh Italian bread...I took the tiny little heal piece, and had to slap my own hands to stop from reaching for more, it was so good. I love bread! Just love it! But it doesn't love me.

I also made homemade keto crackers's the recipe, which I stole from

1 3/4 cup mozzarella cheese ( substituted some of this with cheddar cheese)
3/4 cup almond flour
2 tablespoons of cream cheese

microwave this for a little bit at a time, stir, get it melted just a tiny bit.
put into kitchen aid and mix it up with the dough hook (I have mixed it by hand too, it's possible). Add an egg. Mix more.

Add seasonings! I added crushed red pepper, garlic, onion powder, salt, pepper, rosemary...

Roll it out between two pieces of parchment paper, then put on baking sheet...remove top paper. Bake until brown on edges, put paper back on top, flip over, remove top sheet again, and bake a bit more...I sliced it up into cracker sized pieces before baking the second time, with a pizza wheel.

They are so good!

This is the same recipe as I use for pizza dough...and bye, Margaret is here.

No comments: