all my excuses for being fat....

I have quite a list of them. But the heart of the matter is this: I take comfort in food. When the cupboards are full, I feel good.

When I was growing up, money was tight. Grocery Day was a big deal. We got chocolate milk sometimes, perhaps we had burgers cooked in the iron frying pan, covered in Velveeta cheese. The day or two following Grocery Day were good days too, we had maybe a whole chicken leg each. As the days wore on, the food got...sparser. Spaghetti, scrambled eggs, pancakes, hot dogs, oatmeal were our dinner foods. Then finally, Grocery Day again!

I remember candy bars costing a dime or fifteen cents, and my dad sending my brothers up to the store for a whole bag of them. It was Hip Hip Hooray when they got home, choosing from Almond Joys and Payday! and Snicker bars. Sometimes my little brother and I would share, so we could have half of two different ones.

We only had chips maybe on the payday, and soda was only for Christmas, and when we went to our Aunt Kate's house. She would give us a whole can each!!!

Anyway, somewhere along the line I developed a very secure feeling about having enough food.

Fast forward ....I got married when I was 18 years old. We didn't have much money because Paul had college loans. We stretched our grocery money. Then we started having kids. Pregnancies: all I wanted were carbs. Bagels, toast, Cheerios, oatmeal. Crackers. Then when I had newborns and was so tired, I ate what was quick and convenient...same stuff. Carbs. Which triggered more fatigue...

I got heavier. And more tired. Yet I had excellent pregnancies, low blood pressure, healthy babies. I would go to bed at night knowing that tomorrow would be the day to Do Something about my weight...then morning would come, and I would be tired, I wouldn't care so much...

Now, when I met Paul I was only 125 pounds. I am not gonna say how much I got up to, but it wasn't pretty. 16 babies, 22 pregnancies....it did a number on me, but mostly because I ate the wrong things. If I could do it all over again, believe me, I would make different choices. But there is no going back.

Only forward.

I think I will have fond feelings for food for all my life. I think I will fight this fight for all my life.

But I have changed. I am getting some new sneakers soon, and I am so excited, can't wait! And...I like exercising. I have to talk myself into it most days, but if feels good. I love that after-feeling, achy-muscle feeling. I like that my arms are starting, ever so slowly, to get a little smaller. I like that my legs feel powerful, and that I can actually do squats. I can do real push-ups now, too...not all the way down, but still.

I have hope. I have a vision of me, smaller and more energetic. I know that every single thing I put into my mouth, and every time I go against my laziness and work out, I get closer to this goal. I am starting, finally, to learn that what I do today matters.

I am a lazy food loving bum. I like naps and cookies and soft ice cream. I love my comfy chair. When I started this journey, I couldn't walk down the road without being almost in tears from my aching knees. But my blood pressure was going up, and something in me just clicked...enough was enough. Time to change.

Today I went on my walk, then went to church for a baby blessing and a baptism, then home...then out shopping to Kohl's and Target and Price-Chopper with four of my daughters. I didn't work out because, ha, it was my day off. Seriously though, I have learned that going shopping should NOT count as working out, if it did, I would be in much better shape after all these years of going shopping.

Anyway, I have many excuses for being fat...I didn't realize carbs were so bad.....remember Dean Ornish's low-fat high carb diet? I read his book. dang. Anyway, I am thankful I woke up when I did. And....I have a long way to go. I am 47 years old, the weight doesn't just fall off...I work and work and work to lose every single pound...and I cannot just eat like I normally used to, or I will gain it back immediately...so it is hard. This summer I have been gaining and losing the same few pounds over and over again, and have felt like throwing in the towel...but that is NOT an option. I believe I can do this thing, and that, my friend, is half the battle.