let's never fight anymore...

Isn't this fun to be friends? That's what I am hearing from my two little princesses this morning after one of those big, "She's copying me!", "No I'm not, she's copying ME!" battles. There were tears, there was shouting, but not from me. I knew it would blow over before I even got out of my comfy chair.

They got to stay home from school today, my two little girls. They went four days in a row, and the whole week I was gone to Washington. They missed one half-day before Thanksgiving, but I figured they were due for a day at home. Camille gets pretty tired going to kindergarten.

There is more whining, more fighting. Camille is the owner of a Christmas Sticker book. She is the boss of it. Char wants the Santa sleigh sticker. Really badly. Camille says Maybe Later. Char does not give up when she wants something. Camille keeps saying Maybe Later. ugh.

Jonathan was such a champ at the dentist. He was brave and didn't complain. I told him ahead of time that the worst part would be the shot of novocaine. The dentist numbed his gums first with stuff on a big swab, Jon said he didn't even feel the needle. He was shaking though, even though he was co-operating, he was scared. While he waited for the numbness to set in, the assistant told him that the worst part was over, and he said, "Really?!" The rest didn't seem to bother him at all. I am so glad he took it so well! The dentist was so quick, and had such a good repoire with him. He has to go back probably three more times, and doesn't seem to mind the thought of that.

So of course I took him to Walmart. I bought him a package of glow-in-the-dark Nerf bullets. And an 8-pack of "D" batteries. He was pretty happy.

We also stopped at Tim Horten's. He got a frozen lemonade, brr, and I got a coffee with cream and a sugar-free caramel flavor shot. It was very good.

Home to a turkey dinner. Aaron and Mirielle had peeled lots of potatoes and were making mashies, as Mirielle calls them. We had peas and mixed veggies and cranberry sauce too. And gravy. While we were cleaning up dinner, Paul and the older kids left for choir practice. One of the girls had a bad headache, and another had lots of homework. Sam wanted me to make cookies. I told him to help me clean up and I would. So I mixed up a triple batch of chocolate chip cookies with a red and green Christmas M&M's. I decide I wasn't going to eat any at all. ha. I tasted the dough. Dang, I had lots of the dough. It was too good. Then I mixed some dough with oats for Jon, who loves oatmeal cookies. Yup, that was good too. Then they started baking, and the house went from smelling like roasted turkey to that heavenly cookie aroma. Then...I broke off a little piece of a cookie. Big mistake. I make a darned good cookie. I HAD to try the oatmeal, which was even better. rrr.

I need to be hypnotized or something. I do not eat those things, I do not eat those things. I need to get back into that Strong Resistance groove. The groove where I do not budge, do not taste Bad Things. Because that's how I lost this weight. The thing is, I was good all day. Ate sensibly, healthily, small portions. Then I went cookie crazy. I didn't eat one single whole cookie. Just some pieces of cookies, which added up to two or three. But add in three or four spoonfuls of dough, and.. rrr, the calories, ugh. The bad thing is, I was just thinking that the holidays don't really bother me too much, I will be fine, I can resist. I can say no. ha. I guess I am just not as strong as I thought I was....

But, since today is another day and I really want to see some results, I shall stay out of the cookies.

This whole thing will be a life-long battle for me.

Sometimes I look at thin people and think...do they feel triumphant when they sail past the donuts without stopping to drool?

And I think, No Fair.

Then I look at really heavy people and I wonder if they have any hope at all that they could ever be successful losing their weight. Or if they are like I was...thinking I could never ever do it. When it seems impossible, why not just have a donut? Why not? I personally haven't had a life-long battle with food, no, I just ate what I wanted to. I didn't overeat all the time, I just had what I wanted when I wanted, thinking it didn't matter, I was already fat. I never ordered my own order of fries though, I just took one or two from one of the kids. And I didn't eat two burgers, or half a pizza. So it could have been worse. But it was bad enough. I was perpetually tired, and eating sweets and carbs made that worse, triggering such horrible cycles of fatigue and hunger.

Now I am smart, but that also makes it worse in a way. Ignorance is bliss. But it is also liberating. The things I can do now that I couldn't do before, like go up and down the stairs without suffering, walk through the airport without even thinking about it, picking up the house without being exhausted.

So I am VERY thankful that I saw the light, that I got that glimmer of hope, that determination that I CAN DO THIS.

It has been hard, I have had to suffer. And I know that's what I need to do more. For some people, uttering, "No thank you." is not a biggie. For me, it is most often painful. But here and now, I am encouraging myself to do that very thing: suffer. Say no. It ain't fun, but it is the only way for me.

I am feeling Christmas-y. It is snowing out again, very cold. A good day to bake Christmas cookies, but no way.

I think I will take the little girls out and about today. I have a few ideas of things to get for a few of the older kids for Christmas, but then again, maybe I will stay home. I am taking them to the Christmas Bazaar at the school tomorrow because they give out photo I.D.s, and that will make it easier to get into Canada. Sunday I am driving the minivan full of kids to Ottowa so they can practice their songs for next week's Christmas feast we are having with the church in Ottowa. Paul is driving the car with older kids, they are practicing for a longer time.

I just hope it isn't too snowy. I like to look at it, but I hate to drive in it.

Camille is cuddled up to me now on the arm of my comfy chair and Char is vacuuming up the sugar mess from the cereal she served for them. Ya, don't ask. I told them Only A Little Sugar. Especially because they don't need ANY sugar on cereal, yuck.

It is cold in the house, my fingers aren't working well. I need to get up and get busy. Char is now having fun with the shop-vac though, cleaning up the whole kitchen.

I am very glad to have them home with me today.