the trials in life....

Okay, is it just me, or is the very word "cancer" a terrifying word? Aaron used to call it The Big K. No one wants it, no wants their family members to have it. And when we hop on our Jump To Conclusions Mats at the drop of a pin, or rather at the first sign of a possible symptom, ugh.

Here's the thing, and this is not for the faint of heart. These are details of me, of my life, and I choose to share...in hopes it can help someone else deal with things too. Lots of stories aren't mine to tell...but this one is.

I have been in menopause for over two and a half years. You know, after the magic year with no monthly curse, bing, menopause. So imagine my surprise and non-delight when I started in on one yesterday...after being crampy and moody for a week or so...I was like, "Oh no, cancer!" Yes, I jump right over all the other things it may just be, and land right on death row. I texted my sister, she called me right away. She is dealing with her own health issues, but has grown in wisdom and grace, as she has faced her trials with complete trust in God. Next I texted two of my nurse daughters, who assured me that there are other things that can cause this. This fine morning, I called the OB-GYN and made an appointment for when we get back from Florida.

(They were thrilled with me, they love patients who skip their annual exams for a few years, then want to get into be seen pronto.)

Anyway. Now I wait. And now I battle those pesky doom and gloom thoughts. A snowball isn't formed with one snowflake, and although great bundles of anxiety seem to come out of nowhere and obliterate clear and logical thinking, those bundles should be dismantled and sent packing. Then the little snowflakes that so innocently want to band together need to be melted with faith that God sees the big picture, He weighs and measures, and every hair on our heads is numbered.

So Anne is here today, and she didn't want me to blog, no sir! Not when there are stories to be read and songs to be sung! But I sneaked back to it, ha. Mirielle texted me a bit ago, and suggested there is always going to the emergency room. Oh dear. A large bundle of anxiety hit me right upside the head with that text because of this: Mirielle is an oncology nurse. She deals with the real deal every day, the Big K. And when the oncology nurse doesn't just poo-hoo your symptoms, uh oh.

But unless anything changes, I am going to wait until I get back from Florida, and go in to the OB-GYN office, where hopefully I'll be told that everything is just fine.

In the meanwhile, those thoughts of anxiety cannot rule! They cannot! They are in direct contradiction to believing that God plans all things for our best! That doesn't mean we don't go to the doctor, or that we walk near the edges of cliffs and trust that God will be there to catch us. We cannot add one cubit to our lives by worrying. And logically, even worst case scenario, do I want to spend my final months worrying, ha?

Anyway. In all this there is still everyday life. Lunches to be made and towels to fold. The van to pick up from the place in town, and and and. School. Divvying out the strawberries. (They were $1.49 a pound at Aldi!, so I got two pounds).(Cam bit into one and said, "It tastes like visiting Grandma.")

It's really interesting, really, when you look at your life from the perspective of What If I Really Only Had A Short Time To Live. Because really, short or long, we aren't going to walk this earth forever. The "problems" seem smaller, and the troubles not so troubling, and I want to be tender and good to my kids.

I still took the time do do some laundry and sweep and mop the floors though. :)

Tonight, Evelyn and I are working the college basketball game, it starts at nine o'clock. Happy Valentine's Day to us.

Paul is sweet though, he had Kathryn get me flowers and some chocolate covered almonds. I got up this morning and there they were on the counter. I do miss him.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share, TMI or not, because life is made up of unpleasant things, but these very things can bring us treasures in heaven, oil in our lamps, and teach us to appreciate our days.