feelings go up...and feelings go down...

It's Christmas, and peace and joy are the spirits of the season! But what happens when I'm not feeling it? I'm the mom. If I'm down and out, what happens around here to the rest of the gang? It IS a huge responsibility to have a family, and not just in the meet-all-the-needs way. Everyone knows that good conquers evil, and that kind words have a far greater effect than lashing out about something. When Mama is happy, everyone is happy, right?

So this morning I am finding myself truly thankful that I don't have to give in to the woe-is-me thoughts. There is so much work to do on a day to day basis, even with the kids getting older. We still have small children here most days, and teenagers know how to make food just fine, but their idea of cleaning up doesn't line up with mine. So there is work, and when I have the wrong mindset, it's almost drudgery. I was washing a sinkful of silverware this morning, grumping inside about how our dishwasher is perfectly fine, but our water is so mineral-y and iron-y that it leaves white coatings on the dishes if we use the dishwasher. (and yes, we have a softener system). So blah poor me, I'm washing so many dishes. Then a tiny thought came, that I have hot running water, and soap, so maybe be a little bit thankful?

It can snowball. The Poor Me thoughts can multiply. Sometimes I feel like my lot in life is a joke, that I'm just here as the support person for everyone else, so that their lives can run smoothly.

But here's the thing: I WANT to bless! I want to give, and to serve, that's my heart! All those other thoughts are just my selfish sinful nature, and I am not in debt to that. I get seriously happy when I fight those things that want to steal the joy and peace that should be reigning in my heart. God doesn't make mistakes, and we need to trust that He sends only the very best to us. There is such peace in believing that.

Also, watch out for social media envy. It's too easy to compare your measly little life to the opulence of others', why don't we have nice windows like that? Her husband is looking at her like she's a queen! She has all her gifts wrapped and her house purged and meals prepped? And the minimalists! I find so much grudging, I want to be a minimalist! I absolutely adore the clean counters and sleek open floors with nary a dirty sock to be seen! But shh, I also love all my stuff. Except for the dirty socks. I just do wonder though, how can a minimalist mom maintain that with actual human teenagers in the house? How does she train them to hang up their backpacks and throw away their Dunkin cups? Their library books? The guitar? The blankets they cuddled up in to watch a movie the night before?

Anyway...I go from tangent to tangent, but honestly, writing here straightens me out, gets my priorities in order. I did wake up and get sad super fast this morning, just thinking about our friend Dave. He and his wife have 8 children, four still under 18. He was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus like 12 years ago, and has had different tumors and chemo off and on since then. His life was turned upside down, yet he remained thankful. He has been such a good friend, so easy to talk to, so encouraging, and now he's nearing the end of his days. He is home with hospice care. I know he's going to a better place. I know he needs a rest from his sufferings, but my heart aches because I'll miss him. And my heart aches for his wife and kids. It's Christmas, too. God doesn't make mistakes, but sometimes life is very sad.

Then I watched a video that popped up in my facebook feed, back when Anya was a little baby, and Aaron was holding her...I cried because Camille was in the background, a 6 year old, dancing in front of the Christmas tree...and Aaron, I miss him so much! Life goes on and kids grow up, and sometimes that just makes me sad.

Today, I have the crock pot filled with pork, pulled pork nachos tonight! The older kids will be coming over, and the celebrations will begin. We are having an appetizer contest on Christmas eve, I am on a team with Char and Cam...we will be making miniature stuffing muffins, with apples, onion and celery, and some variation of the Krispie Treats...we're thinking adding some peanut butter and dipping in chocolate...

Anyway...Merry Christmas!!!