me-me

That is my new name, "Me-Me"......courtesy of Camille. When she wakes up in the night, she calls that out. When I got home this evening after being gone since morning, she shouted it at me.. And when I scooped her up, she hugged me so snuggy and tight.

Paul stayed here today with Ben (until he went to work), Joseph, Aaron, Suzanne, Sonja, Jonathan, and Camille. Samuel went to a work/gathering for our friends, and I took Abigail, Mirielle, Mali, Margaret, Kathryn, Evelyn, and Charlotte Claire with me. We went to our church to watch a transmission of the international sisters' conference. The younger girls played outside, for most of the day. We had three delicious meals prepared by some of the older girls......homemade waffles with strawberries and whipped cream and sausage and bacon....homemade tomato soup and baked potatoes with all the fixings and salad, and a steak dinner with fresh mashed potatoes and green beans with toasted almonds. And brownies. And peanut-butter cups. And coffee. But the best part was the fellowship. It is so good to be with my friends.

We were encouraged to trust God, and not be along with the anxiety that grips the world about the economy. To be quiet, and wait on the Lord. To trust Him, listen to Him. To not suffer as a busybody in other men's affairs. One verse that really spoke to me was in 2nd Corinthians, chap. 2, verse 14 "Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place." Just think to follow Jesus, to share in His victory by overcoming sin in each and every temptation. Then peace and goodness will be ours.

I was just thinking about sitting around the table with my friends today. Between P. and A. and K. and Karen, and C. and K, and M.,, M, and I: 86 children.....nine families. wow. So you can see how much we appreciated today. We do have much to be thankful for.

It was also healing to be able to talk about Billy, as he was known by the friends at church....some hugs and some tears.....

calm before the storm....

It isn't very nice to call it a "storm" when the little kids wake up, but it sort of is. Diapers, bottles, nursing, breakfast, clean clothes. I am having a few of my siblings and spouses over for lunch today. And a few young ones, too, for Camille to bite and Charlotte Claire to fight over dolls with. No, I need to be more optimistic. They are really excited and looking forward to having their cousins over.

I am too, but I am not prepared yet. I cleaned up really nicely on Wednesday night, thinking they were coming Thursday....then it didn't work out...and last night was youth meeting, and Paul went too, and I was here with all the little ones...and I didn't get the bathroom cleaned up, or the living room vacuumed, or the kitchen company-ready. All the things that were done on Wednesday night....oh well. I did put some meatballs in the crockpot. I am going to make sausage and peppers and onions, too. Mirielle made some brownies. She is bringing home some fresh Italian bread today, she gets out early from college today. I also need to wash my hair. I should have done it in the shower last night, but sometimes I get so tired ....Paul and I stayed up talking last night.....

I just realized Mali didn't get on the bus....at least I don't remember seeing her....hmm. It is like the cliche' large family thing, when you don't know where they all are, and sometimes someone is missing and you don't even notice....I hate to admit it, but sometimes it is true. I do a mental rundown sometimes, adding them all up....like yesterday.....Em, Norway, Ben, don't know, Abigail - here, Mirielle - here, Joseph - here, Aaron and Mali - shopping with Cheryl, ect.....and if I don't get "16" as the answer, I do it again......when there are multiple cars/drivers, you have to be extra careful not to just assume that the kids you don't have are going in the other car. You have to check. We did leave someone at the meeting once, no, twice, and once I went to the library, in town, 5 miles away, got in the library, and someone innocently said, "Where's Margaret?"....Uh oh....more than uh-oh....I was panicked to the bone. We raced home, and there she was, sitting in a chair in the front yard, furious and crying. Heartbroken. Oops. And once we got almost to town, and someone inquired why Mali wasn't with us. I am much more careful now, counting and going through the names. But it is harder as they grow up, because sometimes they don't all go with me....

I realize that by just sitting here writing any thought that comes into my head, I am postponing what I SHOULD be doing, which is getting off my lazy ....and cleaning up this place.....but oh, I like writing so much more. I do like a clean house, but, if it got that way by magic, it would be fine with me. Mirielle made a birthday cake last night, for Janet -Happy Birthday, Janet! She is one of my sister's seven lovely daughters, Mirielle's age, and very good friend. It was a white chocolate cake with white fluffy frosting, and rasberry jam in the middle. Mirielle and Abigail went over to their cousins' house for a little party. She saved me a piece, since I washed up all the pans and frosting stuff, but guess what? Sam was up before me this morning.....all I can say, is this: I am thankful that I am learning, ever so slowly, to be nice. I did tease him a little bit.....then I got a spoon, and scraped off the plate...and, it was a good cake.

pictures.

Me, driving with a balloon

Charlotte Claire.....

Charlotte Claire

Camille Anaya

Me, driver of the big white van....

Mirielle Joy...




Abigail....

Charlotte Claire....

Jonathan....

the bus is here!!

And the last three kids are off to school. The house is still quiet, which is a small miracle, considering how many times the door has been slammed today. Benjamin and Mirielle went off to college, they drove together today, Paul left for work, the first trip kids went, then the younger ones. Abigail is on break this week. Yesterday, I forgot that, and she scared the living daylights out of me, appearing at the top of the stairs....now if it was Monday, that would be acceptable, but how could I forget on a Wednesday, after she has been on break all week? Oh well.

I am having two of my brothers and their wives, and my sister over for lunch tomorrow. Unless they would rather go out somewhere to lunch. My two brothers have the entire week off of work, because of Billy dying. How can those two words go together....Billy dying. I cannot yet comprehend it. It keeps entering my mind, and I can't explore it yet. Yet it comes, minute after minute, even while I sleep.....when I can sleep. When I wake in the night with Camille, it is my first conscious thought. Billy, why, why, why? I went shopping yesterday, and one of my cashier/friends asked me how I was doing. "Fine!", I lied. How can you tell someone what happened? Can you just say, "Well, my brother died...." How, what happened? "Well"....maybe it will be healing if I just start by writing it. He shot himself. Oh my God. I cannot bear that. But he did. Why? We did not know anything was wrong. He seemed fine. Why? I want this to be just a bad dream. My kids have heard it said, I assure them it was not on purpose....how can they possibly understand? They adored their Uncle Billy. Billy had no children, was not married, but all the nieces and nephews were his kids.

I apologize if this is too much. It is hard, because I know family members read this, and other people that know my different kids, and some people who are in my church.....but the truth is the truth, and I have to deal with it, as does my family.

So, life goes on for the rest of us. I have to call for a dump permit, and about the dog license. And dentist appointments, and the laundry: that in itself, it is turning into a monster. I went shopping yesterday with Abigail, who is 22, Mirielle, 19, and Jon, Charlotte Claire, and Camille. We went to Old Navy becasuse we recieved a tip from my nephew that the clearance was 50% off. We got alot of stuff for our money. Kindergarten shirts for Jon for $2. Sweatshirts for the big boys for $3, and $5, jeans for $3.50, a coat for Camille - a nice winter coat - $2.50! Mirielle got a nice winter coat too, for $14, reglular $69.50. Then we went to Target. I got some Easter candy for the closet, a nice new shoe shelf that holds 24 pair, for half price, a few things for Mirielle, and some new washclothes. (I have a thing about washclothes. I like to buy the colorful bundles, and keep them stacked up on top of the 'fridge....I seem to go through them like crazy....we wash them all the time, but if one gets "yucky", we just toss it.....and I get almost nervous if I get down to one or two bundles of new ones....crazy, I know)....and we have stacks of older ones, but they don't get to go on top of the 'fridge.....anyway, then we went to the grocery store.....balloons for the kids, and a cookie....and Charlotte Claire and Jon in a car-car cart, with Abigail pushing them.....couldn't get any better. I had Mirielle helping me with coupons, too. Easy and fun. It was very windy out yesterday, ushering out the warmer air......and now it is cold again, high 27 today. Come on, spring!

I brought home pizza from the store yesterday, and we cut up some melon, and celery and carrots, and had some soda. It was nice....easy, and the kids enjoyed it. Like I said, I feel like I am just going through the motions right now. I'm sure it will get easier.....I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. Literally. I am wondering if I have an ulcer, or if it is just stress. I do know that God is near. He know what we need, and He works all things for our good. I will cling to that......

healing.....

Aaron across from his cousin and very good friend, Audrey....

Sonja K.... Joseph

Charlotte Claire

Suzanne Eleanor
Mali holding Camille.....it was nice she got her to sleep....Camille took a bit of a nap in Mali's arms....

Jonathan, not surrounded by girls for once....with his cousin....my baby brother's son....

Paul....and that handsome guy in the background is my brother, Bob.

My sister Cheryl's daughter, Janet, holding Camille

Evelyn Joy

Mali....

I was sort of trying out my new camera. I can now return Abigail's to her. Thank you, Paul, for the anniversary gift.

For my brother, we decided not to do any services. We instead had a "remember him with us", very informal, at a pizza restaurant. It was a very nice warm cozy place. We had some picture boards set up, and some albums of picture. We also passed around a book for people to write their memories of him in. He had 48 nieces and nephews, and 4 great nieces and nephews. Most of them were there. They, by the way, had a very nice time together. There was a buffet set up for the whole 4 hours we were there, with salad, Italian bread, all different kinds of pizza, and some wonderful chicken wings.

It was comforting to see all the people who knew Billy. To hear how nice of a guy he was. To be greeted and hugged. It is a start, I guess...

The thing about Billy, he was endeared to the children. He understood them, and loved them. Not that he was really mushy or anything, no, he was actually quite a tease. But he KNEW them, and paid attention to them.

Now that the "services" are over, I want life to go back to normal. But it can't. I am still so distraught. I had to get the kids up, like life was okay, and send them to school. And I have to deal with backed up laundry.....several sets of bedding, whites, lights, darks, towels....you name it. And the little messes that pile up here and there, when no one is looking. And, ha, just last week I was thinking I could really be all caught up, and it would be so nice in here. Part of me just plain doesn't care. What's the use. But then, I still need to make it nice for my husband, and for my kids, even though it seems that my heart isn't in it. That is love. To do when you don't want to do.

The poor kids had to go to school today, to the comments and questions that are inevitable when you live in a small community. The fact that I told my younger kids that his death was accidental, that he was protecting the chickens from coyotes.....is something that will surely be challenged.....but how can children possibly deal with the realities of something so horrible? When we adults cannot even fathom it?

Well, life goes on, minute by minute. I am just going to take things one at a time.

monday morning....

It seems fitting that it is dreary and rainy today. I would be a bit put off, I think, if the sun was shining cheerily......except for today is our 25th wedding anniversary. Good thing I didn't make those reservations for a vacation somewhere warm, because we would have had to cancel. Paul and I spent a considerable amount of time together on Friday, going to the LumberLiquidators, and Lowes, and the grocery store, and out to dinner, too. He is really alot of fun. I almost don't want to decide on flooring, so we can drag this out a little longer....it has only been over a year now....anyway, we still have that electricity between us, know what I mean? We have something special still, and I am aware of how blessed we are. So there we were, driving home Friday evening, talking and enjoying our uninterupted time together, and we got the call from my sister....my brother, dead. Shock. Unbelief. I had Paul bring me right out to my brother's house, where all my siblings gathered......I think I was in shock....when I got home later, I could not stop shaking. It took a warm blanket, two beers, and several hours of sitting up into the night talking with my older kids and Paul before I stopped trembling.

I haven't mentioned how my brother died, because it is shocking. But I will say this: please, please, if you are depressed, talk to someone. Why didn't he say anything? How could he?

Now, I do not know if I can describe my unconventional brother.....but I will say this, to know him is to love him. He was the smartest person I ever met. He was funny, and had that sarcastic streak, he could peg a person's traits, and sort of tease them without being mean in it. He would make me laugh at myself. He was content with little, and he was a giver. He gave up his career to take care of my parents when my dad had cancer and couldn't take my mom to her appointments and dialysis anymore. When my mom died, he was my dad's guy. Billy was the only one who could make his coffee, or take care of him. My dad sort of latched onto him, and Billy just took care of him, and didn't seem to mind how obbsessive/compulsive my dad was getting with his illness. Billy just went along with him, with a smile at us, and never a hint at it being difficult for him.

Billy was there at the house alone with my dad, of course we all came over as much as we could manage, although my dad didn't want us to come close to him, he got really afraid of germs with his chemo, and his newly growing o.c.d.....Billy was there the day my dad had the massive stroke. He was with him when the ambulance men came, and my dad fretted that they were messing up the stuff he had organized on the coffee table....

Billy moved to my brother's place out in the country after my dad died. He took care of my parents' dogs.....and he continued to be a good brother, and a helpful one. He put the tile floor in my kitchen. He was always there to lend a hand. He had been through a lot, but never gave a clue that he wasn't dealing with it okay.

I don't know if this is too much information or not, I don't know the rules of blogging. I am so confused right now. I go from being so mad at Billy, to just about collapsing. He was such a good guy. He has just left this huge gaping hole in me. One of these days I will scan some pictures of him....he was very good looking.

Thank you for prayers, and comments, I appreciate them more than I ever thought would be possible.......it helps to write and sort things out.....

sadness

I have started this post three times. I cannot get myself to push the Publish Post button. How can I write about my brother's death? For one thing, Emily Anne, my oldest daughter, is in France for the weekend, and we decided to let her enjoy her time there before we let her know what is going on....Emily, if you are reading this, I am sorry......

My brother died last night. Is there any gentle way to say that? My brother, William James, or Billy, to us, or Uncle Mr. Master Babysitter, to my kids.....or just Uncle Billy.....47 years old....we are not sure yet what happened....I think it was an accident....it doesn't matter, it is just sad. I have my sister, and now my four brothers. We have been together, last night and this afternoon, talking, trying to make sense of all of this.....it is so unspeakably sad. First my mother, my father, now my brother. I cannot even comprehend it.