the bus is here!!

And the last three kids are off to school. The house is still quiet, which is a small miracle, considering how many times the door has been slammed today. Benjamin and Mirielle went off to college, they drove together today, Paul left for work, the first trip kids went, then the younger ones. Abigail is on break this week. Yesterday, I forgot that, and she scared the living daylights out of me, appearing at the top of the stairs....now if it was Monday, that would be acceptable, but how could I forget on a Wednesday, after she has been on break all week? Oh well.

I am having two of my brothers and their wives, and my sister over for lunch tomorrow. Unless they would rather go out somewhere to lunch. My two brothers have the entire week off of work, because of Billy dying. How can those two words go together....Billy dying. I cannot yet comprehend it. It keeps entering my mind, and I can't explore it yet. Yet it comes, minute after minute, even while I sleep.....when I can sleep. When I wake in the night with Camille, it is my first conscious thought. Billy, why, why, why? I went shopping yesterday, and one of my cashier/friends asked me how I was doing. "Fine!", I lied. How can you tell someone what happened? Can you just say, "Well, my brother died...." How, what happened? "Well"....maybe it will be healing if I just start by writing it. He shot himself. Oh my God. I cannot bear that. But he did. Why? We did not know anything was wrong. He seemed fine. Why? I want this to be just a bad dream. My kids have heard it said, I assure them it was not on purpose....how can they possibly understand? They adored their Uncle Billy. Billy had no children, was not married, but all the nieces and nephews were his kids.

I apologize if this is too much. It is hard, because I know family members read this, and other people that know my different kids, and some people who are in my church.....but the truth is the truth, and I have to deal with it, as does my family.

So, life goes on for the rest of us. I have to call for a dump permit, and about the dog license. And dentist appointments, and the laundry: that in itself, it is turning into a monster. I went shopping yesterday with Abigail, who is 22, Mirielle, 19, and Jon, Charlotte Claire, and Camille. We went to Old Navy becasuse we recieved a tip from my nephew that the clearance was 50% off. We got alot of stuff for our money. Kindergarten shirts for Jon for $2. Sweatshirts for the big boys for $3, and $5, jeans for $3.50, a coat for Camille - a nice winter coat - $2.50! Mirielle got a nice winter coat too, for $14, reglular $69.50. Then we went to Target. I got some Easter candy for the closet, a nice new shoe shelf that holds 24 pair, for half price, a few things for Mirielle, and some new washclothes. (I have a thing about washclothes. I like to buy the colorful bundles, and keep them stacked up on top of the 'fridge....I seem to go through them like crazy....we wash them all the time, but if one gets "yucky", we just toss it.....and I get almost nervous if I get down to one or two bundles of new ones....crazy, I know)....and we have stacks of older ones, but they don't get to go on top of the 'fridge.....anyway, then we went to the grocery store.....balloons for the kids, and a cookie....and Charlotte Claire and Jon in a car-car cart, with Abigail pushing them.....couldn't get any better. I had Mirielle helping me with coupons, too. Easy and fun. It was very windy out yesterday, ushering out the warmer air......and now it is cold again, high 27 today. Come on, spring!

I brought home pizza from the store yesterday, and we cut up some melon, and celery and carrots, and had some soda. It was nice....easy, and the kids enjoyed it. Like I said, I feel like I am just going through the motions right now. I'm sure it will get easier.....I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. Literally. I am wondering if I have an ulcer, or if it is just stress. I do know that God is near. He know what we need, and He works all things for our good. I will cling to that......