monday morning....

It seems fitting that it is dreary and rainy today. I would be a bit put off, I think, if the sun was shining cheerily......except for today is our 25th wedding anniversary. Good thing I didn't make those reservations for a vacation somewhere warm, because we would have had to cancel. Paul and I spent a considerable amount of time together on Friday, going to the LumberLiquidators, and Lowes, and the grocery store, and out to dinner, too. He is really alot of fun. I almost don't want to decide on flooring, so we can drag this out a little longer....it has only been over a year now....anyway, we still have that electricity between us, know what I mean? We have something special still, and I am aware of how blessed we are. So there we were, driving home Friday evening, talking and enjoying our uninterupted time together, and we got the call from my sister....my brother, dead. Shock. Unbelief. I had Paul bring me right out to my brother's house, where all my siblings gathered......I think I was in shock....when I got home later, I could not stop shaking. It took a warm blanket, two beers, and several hours of sitting up into the night talking with my older kids and Paul before I stopped trembling.

I haven't mentioned how my brother died, because it is shocking. But I will say this: please, please, if you are depressed, talk to someone. Why didn't he say anything? How could he?

Now, I do not know if I can describe my unconventional brother.....but I will say this, to know him is to love him. He was the smartest person I ever met. He was funny, and had that sarcastic streak, he could peg a person's traits, and sort of tease them without being mean in it. He would make me laugh at myself. He was content with little, and he was a giver. He gave up his career to take care of my parents when my dad had cancer and couldn't take my mom to her appointments and dialysis anymore. When my mom died, he was my dad's guy. Billy was the only one who could make his coffee, or take care of him. My dad sort of latched onto him, and Billy just took care of him, and didn't seem to mind how obbsessive/compulsive my dad was getting with his illness. Billy just went along with him, with a smile at us, and never a hint at it being difficult for him.

Billy was there at the house alone with my dad, of course we all came over as much as we could manage, although my dad didn't want us to come close to him, he got really afraid of germs with his chemo, and his newly growing o.c.d.....Billy was there the day my dad had the massive stroke. He was with him when the ambulance men came, and my dad fretted that they were messing up the stuff he had organized on the coffee table....

Billy moved to my brother's place out in the country after my dad died. He took care of my parents' dogs.....and he continued to be a good brother, and a helpful one. He put the tile floor in my kitchen. He was always there to lend a hand. He had been through a lot, but never gave a clue that he wasn't dealing with it okay.

I don't know if this is too much information or not, I don't know the rules of blogging. I am so confused right now. I go from being so mad at Billy, to just about collapsing. He was such a good guy. He has just left this huge gaping hole in me. One of these days I will scan some pictures of him....he was very good looking.

Thank you for prayers, and comments, I appreciate them more than I ever thought would be possible.......it helps to write and sort things out.....