what? no medal? no congrats?

All these months I thought when I went into the doctor...he would be so happy about the weight I lost! ha., he didn't even notice. I think he was so relieved to have a patient with a clear cut diagnosis, he ordered some bloodwork, a sonogram of the right upper abdominal quadrant, and sent me on my way. I didn't even get a chance to tell him that my ears have been clogged and my cold is still hanging around after three weeks. hmpf. I need to get more assertive. After I was ushered out the door and waiting to get blood drawn, I was tempted to walk back in and say, "I was not finished here!" But I behaved myself.

Getting to the doctor yesterday was quite an adventure. Not like the old days when I had four preschoolers and a nursing baby in the waiting room with perhaps my sister and a few of her kids, or an older kid skipping school, or my mom...maybe Paul...once years ago when I had strep throat I brought my newborn right into the exam room with me and held her while the dr checked me out. He was not thrilled, I did not think it was a big deal. I did not like him anyway, he thought I was foolish to have so many kids and didn't hesitate to tell me so. He could not understand for the life of him why I would be interested in getting in shape yet be open for more babies. I switched doctors.

Anyway, Camille wanted to go with me yesterday. She planted herself outside the bathroom door while I showered, she did not stop pleading the whole time. She was saying things like, "Please don't leave me with Mirielle, please don't. How would you like it if YOU were the little girl and I was the Mama, and I was leaving YOU home. If you bring me I will be very good. I can get ready fast. Please don't leave me. I love you and hate when you leave." This went on and on. She was pretty hysterical by the time I unlocked the door and came out. I almost caved, almost asked Mirielle to quick get her ready.

Anyway, I got into the big van, and: hardly any gas! I was running late, as per usual, so I couldn't stop. I drove to the small city, tried to find a spot on the street to avoid the parking garage...this is a whole book in itself, trying to park a 15 passenger van in a parking garage. Mine is a Chevy Express, which has a longer wheelbase than a normal 15 passenger, which I thought was wonderful before I owned one and actually tried to park it. Anyway, I found a spot, and had to back out and pull in like five times with four cars lined up behind me, wondering if I was vacating the spot...with the low-gas warning light beeping and flashing...

I couldn't help but wonder during my brief dr. visit whether I would have enough gas to get to the gas station, but I did. (gas prices are creeping back up, it was $40 for only half a tank!)

I took the opportunity to sneak to the grocery store all by my lonesome. Just milk and stuff for salad and a bag of Kibbles for Rosie. I find myself so open for the possibility of a treat when I go into Wegmans. I smell the donuts and the muffins, which I do not eat anymore so I don't even look, I saw a lady with a package of cookies and thought, "she has cookies, and she is thin, no fair!" Anyway, I bought a pre-cooked rotisserie chicken for a treat. Camille and I had it for lunch at home, with some veggie sticks and grapefruit.

Mirielle said that Camille stopped fussing as soon as I left and was fine the whole time I was gone.

Sonja, Jonathan, and I cleaned their room thoroughly. Sorted and sorted and tossed and put away a bag of stuff, "for the poor kids". I let Jon decide what to keep, he did a great job of letting go of things. I kept reassuring him that it would be nice when he had just the things he really liked. See, he inherited the toys from his brothers, so he had all these transformers and Legos and trucks..he kept some of them, and all the Legos, but now there are no stray Lego blocks mixed in with other things. It is all neat and organized, and yes, I do believe this time it will stay this way. ha, how many times have I believed that one?

It is January, and it is raining out! Not to worry though, the snow is coming! Actually, it looks like rain mixed with snow. It will be getting colder tomorrow, snow Saturday with cold and wind, and below zero on Sunday.

I think I need to get on the dreadmill today for a bit since my walks have been reduced to cheat-y little ten minute outings. I have been doing my 12 minute Pace workouts, but ha, I cannot do all the things. Mirielle did it with me yesterday and we collapsed on the floor laughing when we were supposed to do these impossible things where one gets into the push-up position and alternates extending one arm while supporting oneself with the other arm. ha. I consider it an accomplishment just to get myself into the push-up position. We got our acts together and finished the workout. She said if it was her she would do that like five times. That is why I am fat and she is not, I was beat. Just the fact that I actually went home and exercised was a big accomplishment for me, a victory over my sluggish mentality, which suggested all the way home that it was a good day for a nap.

My nap. I did try one later, it was a huge unfunny joke. First Paul texted me. Then I fell totally asleep, and one minute later he texted again. Answered him, cuddled Camille who was touching my face and squirming, fell asleep again. He called me...see, Joseph and Mirielle were getting rid of one of the cars that no longer drives very well, bringing it to Pick and Pull...blah, details, but suffice to say there is no rest for the wicked. Then Camille fell asleep, the first trip bus came, doors were slamming, kids laughing, I just got up and had coffee and chocolate. Yes, chocolate is the only consolation for a Crappy Nap, pardon my French.

And here I am...getting tired of trying to eat right and exercise, just want to crawl back into bed and feel sorry for myself. But I won't, not today anyway. Camille is all warm in her froggy jammas, and the college kids are snoozing still.

I have to decide what job I want to tackle today (clean out a closet? Sort some clothes? blah)

Miss Froggy Jams is asking for more Trix....

going to the doctor....

blah. I have to be out the door in just a half hour, and still have to shower, so why am I sitting here writing this? Camille is snuggled up to me with the entire huge comforter from her bed wrapped around her, how does the doctor expect me to extricate myself from her and get in the shower on this 27 degree morning?

She wants to go with me. I told her to go wake Mirielle and if she will go too, she can go.

My organization and decluttering plans were derailed yesterday. Mali wanted to go order her scrubs for nursing school, and get some school supplies. I am nice, so I offered to pay for the scrubs for her birthday present, which isn't until March, so I reminded her not to forget when it rolls around that Mom got her something really nice: a lab coat, two tops, and a pair of scrub cargo pants. We then headed to the mall so I could return the two shirts that Joseph and Samuel did not like from Old Navy. Sam actually laughed at the one I picked out for him, I give up. I returned them and found some slippers for Mirielle and Suzanne, a shirt for Sonja, and some $1.47 capris that fit no one so far.

Mali and Aaron watched Camille in the play area while I quickly checked out Sears...I got myself a few skirts in smaller sizes, for motivation. Cheap, of course.

We had to hurry home because in my dawdling I had forgotten that the kids were going to the calling hours for the young man down the road from us. Aaron, Mali, Samuel, Margaret and Evelyn went. They just gave the mom a big hug, shook hands with the dad, and came home. I told them it was the least they could do. So so sad. They were pretty teary-eyed and sober when they came in the door.

Well, lots to write about but no time....have to take the shower and go to the Dreaded Doctor. What if his scale is broken and I weigh more than I did last time I went there? It is out in the hallway, the scale, I hate that! Can you shout that number a little louder, Miss Skinny Nurse, I don't think the people in the back row quite heard you!

i wish...

I wish I could announce that I am pregnant. But I'm not. I wish I could announce that I have lost another five pounds. But I didn't. I wish I could say that my whole house is clean, ha. That my laundry is caught up. Nah. That I have made all the phone calls I have been procrastinating...

But I can say this: I am happy. Happy to be a Mom. Even though I don't always get the respect I think I deserve from my teenagers, or the appreciation I think I should get for all I do around here. Yes, it is a Thankless Job, but someone has to do it. Not really though. The rewards are plentiful...

I made French Toast for the kids yesterday morning, turning the dark cold kitchen into a fragrant cold kitchen. ha. I really like doing things for them that they like. Last night, for example, my girls were home from Jamaica...they stopped here to pick up Emily's car, and to empty the one big suitcase they shared ($25 for checked baggage, they just brought carry-ons and shared one bag for things like shampoo and sunscreen and sneakers)Anyway, Emily is working a 16 hour shift today, and won't be going grocery shopping 'til tomorrow, so I stocked them up on some stuff to last a few days...then they got home and discovered their landlord had totally ripped out their shower...uh-oh, Abigail really needed a shower before work...she came over this morning to take one, and I made her toast and tea....

Anyway, I like being good to my kids. It is rewarding. It is also rewarding to see what wonderful adults they are growing into. The Jamaica trip girls had a really really good time. I was hoping they would, because I am the one who recommended they go there. I was half afraid they would get there and think it was a dump or be bored or have awful food. But I needn't have worried, they loved relaxing on the beach, going out to dinner, and eating lots of fruits and veggies at every meal. And of course Jerk Chicken. They looked wonderful as they walked to the van from the airport, all tanned and laughing. They were hesitant, because they feared I had the camera, then they remembered that THEY had my camera, so they were fine.

So they had fun. (Mali went up to the room for something and the elevator got stuck between floors. She was on the elevator with five Jamaican guys, who kept telling her not to worry, Princess.) They read and rested and relaxed and probably missed me, ha.

The calling hours for the young boy down the road who passed away last week are this afternoon. Sam was friends with him, but is hesitant to go today because he says he doesn't know if he can handle it. Who can? I can't think of a more painful thing for a family to go through. I won't make Sam go, and I will go with him if he wants, encouraging him that it is for the family, to let them know that their son, their brother, mattered. They aren't going to stand there by his casket, wondering if we really knew him enough to be there.

Tomorrow morning I go to the doctor for my gallbladder complaint. I haven't had any more pain or symptoms at all, so perhaps I passed a stone and now everything is now fine and dandy and getting it checked out is just a huge waste of time and money.

Rosie escaped with the first trip kids and barked at the bus like a crazy dog, but came right to me when I went out to get her, ran muddy paws across the floor into her cage, rrr, anyone want a sheepdog? She gets so absolutely dirty all the time! She has all that fur, and it gets so stinky when she goes out in the cold, the oils come out, and yuck! She loves to slosh through the ditches and get burrs in her fur, and roll in stuff. She gets baths about every two-three weeks. Why didn't I just get a regular normal dog? She is SO high-maintenance. Good thing she's cute.

I am getting myself motivated to clean things out around here. Get rid of the excess. I talked to Jonathan when I tucked him in last night, and he seems open to sorting through his toys. This is a huge step for him, he has always wanted to keep everything, literally freaking out if I threw away a broken truck. I need to sort through my clothes, 90% of them don't fit anymore. I want to clean closets, and get rid of clothes that Camille has grown out of. I know I can't do it all in one day, but today I will start. Because less is more, right? Instead of just wishing I had a cleaner house, I should just clean my house, right? And that starts with getting out of this chair...

downton abbey

Each day has the Big Important Things That Need To Get Done. Today, that includes washing lots of bedding, going to Walmart to get some plastic mattress protectors that Target did not have, and then in the evening, going to the airport to pick up four rested and suntanned girls.

In between those Important Things I will try to get this place back in order, wash my long tangly hair, exercise, think of something for the Dreaded Dinner, and spend some time with Camille, who is now standing on the couch and trying to jump back to a seated position with her legs, "criss-cross applesauce", as she told me with a huge smile. She is very spoiled, because I did not remind her that children do NOT stand on the couch, nor do they jump on it.

Camille being spoiled is a whole book in itself. Last evening, the kids finally got some of the much anticipated ice cream for dessert. There was a half gallon of coffee, and one of cookie dough flavored. And hot fudge, and whipped cream, and spinkles. They were allowed to eat it in the living room, although the younger ones are not allowed to eat on the furniture, except for the little rocking chair and Little Tikes chair, and stool at the little table. Well...Miss Camille did not get the chair she wanted. So she lay there in the bean bag chair fussing and groaning and whining and complaining. I picked her up and put her in her room, told her she could have her ice cream when she decided to stop being a brat. It took about five minutes of her screaming her head off, then she called me, and said she wanted to be good. She also does things like ask for a drink, when she is perfectly capable of getting her own from the front of the fridge, yet she wants "Mama to do it!". She is really smart and funny and good, yet.. spoiled. I am putting my foot down about it a bit...

And speaking of ice cream and whipped cream and hot fudge...and sprinkles! I had ONE spoonful of ice cream, just a heaping teaspoon, with toppings...then some more fudge, then a few more sprinkles, then some more fudge. Then I got an 80 calorie yogurt out and put some spinkles in it, and was satisfied. Blah, it is hard to serve good stuff and not eat it! And yes, Daddy could do it, or one of the kids, but I know how much to give each one, ha.

My weight is pretty much staying the same, I need to get more exercise fit in. I am thinking of getting to the pool today, if I can. My morning walks have pretty much been phased out because it is so dark out, and the road is slippery. I just do the cheat-y small version, then on nice days go on a longer one later...

I wish it was easier to lose weight. I read a passage from a book written by a woman who had lost almost two hundred pounds, she said maintenance was the hard part because losing the weight was so satisfying: everytime she got on the scale the numbers went down. ha, must be nice! That is what I want, I would like to lose even one pound every week...and I get myself all rah-rah-rah about it, then...oops, chocolate happens. I can eat just veggies and meat, skip the tatoes or rice, pass on the dinner rolls, eat just a half slice of bread for a sandwich...but
chocolate...it is my big trip-up. So I am trying to just have a little here and there....No, I cannot live without it. I am also trying to mix up the days so that I have a higher calorie day, then a few really low cal days, just to try to fool the old metabolism. Yes, I wish it was easier.

Okay...Downton Abbey. Does anyone else watch it? It is on PBS on Sunday nights, last night was the start of the new season. No commercials because it is on public television, and it is pretty clean, and very entertaining. . Lots of us watched it last night, I curled up with Paul on one of the couches. I love it that I am married to a guy who loves Downton Abbey.

I generally try not to get bitten by the Home Improvement bug. Because once bitten, never satisfied. But occasionally, I see things that really need to be replaced. We have lived here for twenty years, almost 21, and the little kids' bedroom carpet is a light beige color, under all the marker spots and stains, anyway. It looks horrible! Joseph and Aaron shared that room when they were little, and they had one of those Goopy Goo machines that made goopy rubbery things when you squirted the bottles of stain-y good into the little molds and cooked them in the machine...well, they were not allowed to use it in their bedroom, but....anyway, year after year after year, that room has seen a parade of different toddlers and young children occupy it, with their leaky sippy cups and watercolor paints and stray markers...the room is freshly painted, new miniblinds, cleaned up and organized, but the carpet is awful. So it is on my List.

New windows for the whole house are also on the List, since the frames are literally rotting.

The kitchen floor, which my late brother Billy tiled for us, has so many cracked tiles...(Billy, where are you when we need you?)

The living room...we put this "wood" floor in three years ago, and there still is no molding where the floor meets the walls...

And and and...see, once I start....

Yes, things need to be fixed but I will try to be patient, and remember that I will not die if things do not get done. It seems once we decide something, it HAS to happen. ha.

Camille wants some attention, she is asking me if she is getting anything for Christmas...

sunday dinner....

blah, it is getting that time...that dreaded time: dinner time. We already had lunch, isn't that good enough? To be fair, Evelyn made the tomato soup and Kathryn made the grilled cheese and the fried potatoes (which were for her and Suze). I just did dishes and supervised and cleaned up.

We are having roast beef, and veggies, and perhaps some rolls for the kids.

Jonathan and Sonja had friends over for a few hours this afternoon after church, Aaron is bringing them home now. It was a little loud and a little rambunctious, but nice to see Jon playing boyish with a little boy! Sonja and Hannah just played house and were pretty low-key.

I saw the twins today, Susan and Thomas' babies. Oh my goodness!! Talk about sweetness! They are so so beautiful! Evelyn and Sonja got to hold them...I didn't because I still have this cold, but it is probably the same cold the Aunties all have and have had, and it seems to be getting better...I cannot wait to hold them and cuddle them and maybe even change them and feed them...they are tiny! Still under six pounds each...

Camille wants it not to be winter, because she wants watermelon. I suggested we get a magic wand and change it to summer so we can go swimming in the pool and cook burgers on the grill and eat on the deck in our bathing suits, then toast marshmallows. She is asking over and over again if we can please really do that. Um, no.

We are out of eggs, so I am heading to the small store in town, which I don't like going to. I would rather drive another ten miles and get lower prices, but it is Sunday, and we are having Sunday dinner, so I need to just go and get back.

The four girls get back from Jamaica tomorrow night. I hope they had fun, and are not too burnt. I have missed them. Even though I don't see Emily and Abigail every day now, since they moved out and have jobs, I still text them alot and talk to them...and they were around so much for the Christmas break...

I exercised this afternoon, not that I wanted to. My mind is at odds with my body, well I suppose it is more accurate to say that my mind is at odds with my mind. I wanted to get moving and exercise, but I also had some really good excuses not to. Like that my head is stuffy, and I was tired....then Paul was trying to do a backbend/bridge, Kathryn and Margaret were showing him how, and I decided I wanted to try...so I got out of my comfy chair, into my workout pants...and no, I cannot do it. But once I got going, I just did a little workout. Nothing major, but it felt good.

And now I am going to the store....

leaving for the dome....

It is hard to leave this happy home,
to go and work at the Carrier Dome.


Princess Camille has on a new sparkly dress, marked down from Christmas, gold and shimmery...and a white faux fur coat, $8 at Target. They are playing house with their kitchen, now parked in the living room. There are new dishes and fake food strewn around, and Jonathan has his new car that drives on the wall. The three of them are having a hard time getting along, because Jon is being bossy and Camille is a spoiled brat. She just cries when she doesn't get her way. They are deciding who will be what, and she just wants to be the Mom.

No, I do not mind working at the Dome, I just hate leaving home.

Paul is here though. I gave him a little bit of advice: talk to the kids, spend time with them, don't worry about the house. These kids love their daddy so much, love attention from him. So they will be fine. Of course if I come home and find a mess, I will change my mind, ha.

So off I go...and yes, I am going to have a Cookiewich. If you have never had one, you have not lived. It is that good. This morning I did see a new number on that scale, and just because I am going to incorporate the calories of that Cookiewich into my day, I am not going to just give up and gain weight, naw, it will be my dinner today. Breakfast was an omelet and grapefruit. I will bring some nuts and an apple for a snack today, and avoid the sausage and hot dogs and pizza like the plague. (gallbladder attack fear is lurking in my heart....)

And, off I go...the three youngest are having a huge tickle fight that we all know will end with someone crying..

lazy morning

I did not want to get up this morning, out of my nice cozy bed. I rarely do, but this morning I was trying like mad to convince myself that the kids could just stay home today. But Jonathan has his spelling test, and Charlotte Claire likes going to school, I really had to get up. blah. My cold is not going away, and I will spare the details about that, but when I am feeling stuffy and congested, I feel like hunkering down in bed and not facing the world. But, Rosie had to go out, and Mom had to do it. Mind over matter, here I am alive and well...well, sort of well.

Suzanne is home today. She had a really good reason, which was that they didn't do ANYTHING yesterday, and school is a waste of time. I think I need some time with Suze...Sonja also skipped. She has a substitute teacher today, and...well, she is home today. Camille couldn't be happier, two big sisters to play with. Camille decided this morning that she does not want to go to kindergarten next year, when I told her I would not be going with her. Sounds good to me, ha.

I was planning to pick kids up early from school and take them to the dreaded mall this afternoon, but a few of them have tests in the afternoon, so we just decided to drop it. I already promised to pick up Jonny and Char though, so I will do that. Jon wants to go to Walmart to spend his Christmas money, I would rather walk over hot coals. He has a hard time with decisions, yet he will be really bummed if he doesn't get anything. Not fun. But hopefully we can get through it. He will see something and want to get it and then regret it later, wish he didn't. I would like to pick up some more craft things, Suze has been making puppets with the little girls out of lunch bags....they love to paint and make things.

I was thinking this morning how much my life has changed these last months. I feel like I am finally coming up for air. Years of being tired and sluggish, of being sleep deprived and compensating by having yummy afternoon snacks, of having sore knees and an aching back....Now, I am not saying my life was terrible, far from it! I loved my babies and my toddlers and my kids, and I did all sorts of fun things with them, suffering every step of the way, at least in the later years. I wish I had woken up sooner, realized that if I had just eaten less carbs and exercised more, I would have felt so much better. But there were days when a shower, well even just going to the bathroom was hard to fit in, so exercise? It seemed ridiculous! I felt like I never had enough energy just to keep the place livable and take care of the kids, no excess energy for exercising! Little did I know how good it would have been for me.

So that being said, I do not feel like exercising today. But, I will.

Tomorrow I am working at the Carrier Dome again. Syracuse basketball, unbeaten and number ONE in the nation! It is so exciting to be there, even though I don't get to watch the whole game. I can see some plays on my break, and on the television in the stand...even when I cannot see what is going on, I can hear it! Syracuse fans are loud and they are happy! But the best part is that we volunteer there with our church friends, and it is always so good to see them, even if we can't exactly talk much. Joseph and Aaron and Samuel will be going with me, Paul will stay home with Margaret, Kathryn, Evelyn, Suzanne, Sonja, Jonathan, Charlotte Claire, and Camille.

And it is Friday, which we all know is Date Night day. That is always nice.

And, since I am a Nice Mom, I am bringing Camille's Little Tikes kitchen out to the living room for a few days in the empty Christmas Tree spot, so she can play house. The older kids will be so thrilled, not. But kids are little for such a short time, life should be fun and adventurous. (every year when we take down the tree, we don't move any furniture back into the Spot for a while, kids like an empty space to play)