joy....

Samuel's home! He drove all night, and surprised us! I walked into the kitchen this morning, and there he was, talking to Joseph and Jonathan. I squealed and jumped up and down like an idiot, while Sam did that Sam-smirk, pleased as heck with himself for surprising me. I knew he was coming today, but I thought I would be waiting all day for him to come, wondering and...worrying a bit about him driving alone, and traffic...but he's home for Christmas, safe and sound. And guess what? I hugged him and I cried.

I didn't sleep much last night. Unbidden thoughts pranced through my head, new ones arriving as I shooed menacing ones away. It was a full on attack of anxiety, fear, self-pity, and sadness. I kept telling those thought NO, I don't even know for sure what's wrong with me yet, so leave me alone. But I thought of the little girls having to go back to school, I thought of my chair empty, I thought of surgery and hospitals and what my kitchen would look like if I were to be really sick or worse. This pain in my lower side, the pain that drove me to call the doctor in the first place, was killing last night, while I was awake fighting those thoughts. It really hurt, and I was actually crying in the night...it's not a fun place to be in.

I did fall back to sleep somehow, and woke with a real pounder of a headache...then found Sam in the kitchen, and realized that there is so much joy in my life, I can't give in to all the anxiety. Evelyn texted from school that there's nothing going on, and to please come get her...please. So Sam agreed to go get her, I sent a note with him, to give to the office...I hope she jumps up and down and squeals like I did when she sees it's Sam picking her up and not me.

Suri loves me, and wants to get up on my lap. She doesn't know how huge she is, and she just can't get close enough sometimes. Duke's happy with a pat on the head a few times a day, but Suri needs affection, and honestly, she's therapeutic. Depressed? Get a Lab. As I write this, she is lying there staring at me intensely, waiting for the invite to come up onto my lap. She's a 70 pound dog.

Anyhoo...I'll check in here if and when I hear anything from the doctor's office...