summer 2011

summer 2011

Paul and I, all 16 kids and Ashley, Benjamin's wife...Christmas 2012

Paul and I, all 16 kids and Ashley, Benjamin's wife...Christmas 2012

Sunday, June 3, 2018

summer, please come back!

We had a few days of almost ninety degrees (32.2c), and the pool was almost clear...and it was warm. Now, it's spring again. And after the long long winter, I can hardly complain, but this next week with cool nights and highs in the fifties and sixties, there won't be swimming. A backyard pool in central New York state = a lot of work for not enough use.

But when it's hot out and that pool is clear and working, oh my.

The hot tub...oh let's not go there. In this cool weather it would be golden to use it, but it won't even turn on. hmmm.

Anyway. Yesterday I had to take Suzanne to her SAT's, in the small city at the huge high school. I dropped her off at 7:30 in the morning, then thought she would be finished around eleven, so I told kids at home I wouldn't be driving back home then back to get her. Bases were covered, Joseph was going to the dump, girls would be there for the younger kids, ect. Then Suze said she wouldn't be done until noon. Hmm, what on earth would I do all by myself in the city for four+ hours?

ha. First I drove over to the cemetery and visited baby Robert's grave. I was all by myself, no one else was even in the entire cemetery, except those who were laid to rest. So I let the tears come, and I let myself wish I could change the past. I apologized to baby Robert for not spending more time with him before I let him go. When he was "born", I was still in denial, and when he was all floppy and so small, I just couldn't process it. The nurse, bless her heart, swaddled him so lovingly, she was crying too, and handed him to me...I never even took a picture of him, and when they took him back to be weighed and measured, which made no sense to me, I didn't see him again. They kept offering that I could spend more time with him, but I didn't want to. I wanted to remember him how I thought he should look, how he would have looked with rosy cheeks...alive. I'm sorry. It's still extremely hard. But standing there on his little grave, I just felt like I could have loved him more. And I realized that the passing of years means nothing, I still feel hollowed out in one area of my heart for that little baby boy.

Crying and sobbing all by yourself is a good way to start the day, I guess.

I'm sure I looked lovely in Walmart. I browsed around there like I had all the time in the world, and chose some plants for Evelyn, and another bag of potting soil. I picked out a cheap watch, because without my phone, I don't even know what time it is. I bought a $4 shirt for myself, and a new nightgown, and a plug-in wax warmer, which is not a NEED, but my old one from the thrift store broke, so...

Anyway, I puttered around, then went to the thrift store. I got a really nice NorthFace jacket for one of the girls, and a few other things, but there was a lonely lady in there following me around. She would not stop talking to me, and she used the word, "psychopath" at least three times. She told me she cries when squirrels get run over, and that her daddy was the police chief. I was polite, but maybe too polite. She thought I was her new bestie...I had to get out of there, and I wasn't even finished browsing.

I took a quick trip to McDonalds for a one dollar coffee and a breakfast biscuit, which I ate the egg and bacon out of, then the bottom biscuit...and I read a book for a while in the van.

Then a quick trip to the grocery store for some lemon seltzer water and a package of burger.

It was one o'clock by the time we got home...

But I had a nice day.

We grilled burgers, and had a nice visit with Margaret and baby Wulf.

Then I ordered some chicken wings in the evening...Emily and Mirielle were visiting. is busy. Add in washing dishes and sweeping floors and figuring out what's wrong with the was in the shop all week, and the check engine light is back on, so back to the drawing won't pass inspection in NY state with that on.

I am sitting in my room, in the quiet, with the fan blowing on me, in my comfy bed, which I have hogged all to myself for the last few days, as Paul is in Singapore. I need to move it and get going, there is church this morning...


Cheryl said...

I couldn't for the life of me figure out why you rushed out of the thrift store!! One minute you were saying something about squirrels and the next minute I was all by my lonesome!😂

Anonymous said...

I can't even begin to understand what a gutwrenching experience that must have been for you to loose bubby Robert. So very very sad. And no, I agree, time does nothing for