dreary rainy saturday morning

Miss Camille was up alot last night. She has this throat tickle cough that has been bothering her. It seems to accumulate as she sleeps, then once she starts the intermittent coughing, she wakes up and won't stay asleep no matter how many times I nurse her and rock her and put her back into her little pink bed. It was 3:30 when I brought her out here for a little bit of decongestant and some Tylenol. I don't mind the cuddling and rocking part, as long as I block out the how-much-sleep-I'm-missing part. Ususally when she wakes up, I just sit on my bed and nurse her. But when I bring her out here in the night, even though just the bathroom light and the stove light are on, her eyes are huge. She is just fascinated. And I just can't help kissing her cheeks and squeezing her. She takes the medicine like a champ, and then we rock....she just snuggles right in.....so, it was around 5 when I got back in bed......

Anyway, here we are. Paul and the older kids are all at a band weekend at our conference center. Paul plays guitar, and conducts, Emily clarinet (but she works today), Abigail trumpet, M. plays flute (and she will be there from Canada, and will stay here tonight, yay...)Joseph guitar, Aaron drums, Molly trombone/clarinet, Samuel trumpet, and Margaret saxophone. Kathryn plays flute, but she isn't old enough to go yet. They will be gone all day, with a few staying the whole weekend. Then, Kathryn and Evelyn are going to go today to a birthday party sleepover...which is fine and dandy, although I feel ripped off. Why is everybody leaving me? I will be home with Suzanne, who is seven, Sonja, 6, Jonathan, 4, Charlotte Claire, 2, and boy is she two, and Miss Camille.....I had been planning to take them to McDonalds today, but with Kathryn and Evelyn not going, I probably shouldn't. If Charlotte Claire climbs all the way up to the top again, and cries that she can't get down, we would have to call the fire department, because it would be my worst nightmare to try to attempt it...so, I probably should just stay put. I am conditioned to go do fun things with the kids when Paul does things with the older ones. So I won't be surprised if I find myself somewhere out in the rainy day with them....


Just a litte note: Sometimes I re-read my posts and see a real selfishness in myself, which is okay. If I don't see it I can't do anything about it, right? But I really do love my kids. I don't see them as a general pain in the neck, and I really enjoy them. But then I have things I want to do, and so there naturally is a bit of a struggle for finding the balance there. My father used to totally tune us out. He would be right there in the living room, with his newspaper, or world war two book, with the television on, and we would be invisible, unless of course we broke one of the big unwritten rules, like:biting on something, crunching something, snapping gum, being too loud, getting in front of the tv......we spent a considerable amount of time in the kitchen with my mother, when he was home. Don't get me wrong, he loved us, and provided for us. But I grew up thinking that was how fathers were, too engrossed in other things to talk to their kids. Thankfully my mother was always there, and always wanted to hear everything about our days. .anyway, I do not want to be like my father. It would be easy to slip into. "Uh-huh, uh-huh, I have no idea what that child just said....now, where was I."....but I am aware of it, and I really work on it.

Sweetie pie Camille is up now, and she is standing at the one of the toy baskets, systematically emptying it.....I try to keep up with her....Jonathan and I devised a bungee cord lock for the cereal cupboard/bowl/container cupboard.....because once she stumbles onto something THAT fun, she keeps going back.....I am sure you know what I mean....stops at the bookshelf, removes books, throws, crawls merrily on her way, goes over and grabs some videos out, throws them, crawls on her way. She can spot an unattended drink or snack and be there before you can yell, "grab that cup".....as I type this, she is shoving raisin toast into her mouth....I was a nice mommy this morning, and I made 8 plates of raisin toast (big deal, put raising bread in the toaster, butter it)....anyway, I let them eat it in front of the morning cartoons. And Jon left some on his plate.....so......his loss is her gain....