my true heart's desire

Okay, I hate dusty old religion. Rules and regulations. Meaningless restrictions...but....I have found that salvation is not like that. It is living and true and real and free...

My heart's whole desire is to be a true disciple of Jesus. He was tempted, but never sinned. He overcame. And here I am with my body of sin......so full of pride and impatience and wanting to be right...selfishness, discontentment....but" faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen .".(Hebrews 11 v. 1)

So during the day....when I want something, then I have a chance to follow Jesus. I have an opportunity to give up my own will. A chance to be an overcomer. Or, I can give in and be selfish. No one will probably know. But following Jesus is a hidden thing. I have to have that connection with Him, to hear His voice...and when I listen to that voice, and am obedient, then I get victory over my sin.

So I am sometimes very frustrated, and impatient, and tempted to be angry and all of that....that is the time to cry for help, and endure to the end. I can therefore suffer it out, and not sin. Then the kids don't have to suffer because of my sin. My husband doesn't have to feel the sting of my witchiness.

Sometimes I see moms so exasperated with their kids. And I feel like crying (who am I kidding, I usually do)....because I feel sorry for the mom AND the kids, AND I know exactly how it is because that is the way it is for me...but I gave the gospel! And I want to shout it on the rooftops that people don't have to live this way, in anxiety and anger! Jesus made a way through the flesh! He made a way for us to follow! It isn't some lofty far-away long ago happening....He speaks to ME, and helps ME.....and part of the reason I write this is I have such a longing that others can come to this rest and happiness that only comes from following Him. This peace and happiness have nothing to do with competency (GOOD THING!), or being organized, or being naturally optimistic....God can melt the hardest heart, make the stingiest a giver, and help me be a servant....

So, Paul and I got converted many years ago...and there has been such a blessing over our family. Not because of us! Paul and I each want to be faithful, and pursue peace. Therefore, to be "right" is not important, although we both find we are tempted to it....when two marriage partners are humbling themselves and seeking to please God, how can it not go well? In Philippians 2, v. 3 "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself..." this is actually quite easy to do when we can see ourselves the way we really are, courtesy of the light God gives us...

Well, I am done trying to condense the whole gospel into one little post...

But sometimes it just grieve my heart when I see suffering. Not suffering because of poverty or hunger, but suffering because of anger and sin. Children living under the wrath of parents....blaming, fear, suspiscion...all this garbage being allowed to live and thrive....and people wonder why their kids are disobedient and rebellious.

Okay, I am really done now. I am not so good at this anyway. Sometimes in my dreams, I can say these things so beautifully that people are just apprehended....

The best place to read some really good stuff is at http://brunstad.org/

Today is an open slate....stretched before me all hopefully. Margaret and I are going to go shopping with Jonathan, Charlotte Claire, and Camille. Sounds simple. Maybe it will be. It all depends on how I take it of course. But you never know, Charlotte C. might NOT unbuckle when we are driving 60mph, Camille MIGHT smile and be happy when I buckle her up, and she MIGHT want to stay sitting in the cart, and Jon MIGHT not have a breakdown for a toy by the end of the trip, Charlotte C. MIGHT not touch everything and run in front of the cart and fall on the floor in frustration....Jon and Charlotte C. MIGHT not reach a silly, unreasonable point where their ears are not working, but their laughter is....and my knees MIGHT not hurt....MAYBE I'll remember all of my coupons, remember everything (like my list!).......see, all of this is highly unlikely...so.....I need salvation today!