No, I am not pregnant. Yes, I would love to be. For some reason I have been thinking about miscarriages and how sad they are. Why do they have to exist? That is one question I would like to ask God someday. I suppose that the baby that thrives after a miscarriage is appreciated and revered more than ever, but still...
When Emily was three, Abigail was 11 months old, I had a miscarriage at twelve weeks pregnant. I was happily going along, when one night making dinner, I started spotting....and then bleeding....I was shocked. I ended up losing the baby that evening at home, and it was a perfect little doll. I was hysterical. Because it was scary, and just seemed so wrong. I actually screamed while it was happening....and my poor mother was trying to sooth the little girls....I remember going out and telling them I was okay, everything was okay, lie, lie.....I went to the hospital and had a d&c.......and spent the night....how awful....after being on the same floor for two of the happiest events of my life, it was rather cruel.
Benjamin was born exactly a year after that miscarriage. I certainly treasured him. Including Ben, I had 11 more babies before I experienced loss again, and this time it was having Robert William, stillborn....I have written about this before....again, staying on that floor was just cruel. Everytime I heard the sound of the rolling meal cart, or the blood-pressure moniter/thermometer on wheels, I would think before my brain adjusted itself, "Oh, they're bringing me my baby"....then I would remember, and I just wanted to go home. Jonathan Robert was born 10 and a half months later, and I treasured him, too. Then a tough period - 3 miscarriages in a row. The last one was a very short pregnancy, I miscarried less than 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant, but the first two, I had known for 4 or 5 weeks.
Then I had Charlotte Claire. Then, Camille....whom I thought I was losing, but somehow I didn't ......
I remember every June, the baby that would have been, but then I wouldn't have Benjamin....and I remember in late September that Robert would have been born.., but then I wouldn't have Jon....time heals, but doesn't completely take away the feeling of loss.
I don't know why I am thinking about this...I was awake for so long last night, and was just thinking about women and how much they suffer. Has it made me more merciful? I hope so. Has it made me more thankful for the babies? Definetely. But it is such a suffering. And nothing anyone can say can make it better. Yeah, the baby was probably not formed right....or you can have another...or you already have however many kids, be thankful......but no matter what, it is a suffering. 7 weeks or 12 weeks....still hurts. 10 kids already, or 15 kids already....still hurts....I do not know how I could have made it through these things without the full knowledge that God sends the very best for me. That the babies are from heaven, and go back to heaven. What do people do who don't believe? How can they cope?
I don't think I have ever taken the babies for granted. But in the beginning years, I wasn't quite as awed about each pregnancy. As the years passed, and I realized how many things COULD happen, I lost that youthful naivety......and probably would've turned into a basket case, if not for my trust in the Lord. I had to battle against anxiety that did not even exist in my earlier years. So now, I am so completely thankful and happy for each baby, if I were to have another pregnancy, I would just be overcome with gratitude. At the same time, I am getting older, and God is the steward of the babies, and if He doesn't send another one, that is okay too. I just really do not want any more miscarriages. I think it would be especially hard to have the last pregnancy ever, end in miscarriage. I have told that to God. I know He knows what I need more than I do, but it doesn't hurt to talk about it. He hears my prayers.
That was what I was thinking about last night when I couldn't sleep.....
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7 comments:
I found your blog while blog hopping through Cassie...
Wow I cannot imagine...16 kids! And you're still sane and find time to blog! Good for you. We have received 9 blessings...and I thought are house was busy!
I totally agree with you that miscarriages are hard no matter what...a life is a life. I have had 2 miscarriages in March 2003 and 2006 between our 5/6 and 8/9 and no they are not oh well just because you have other kids. I've had 4 D&C's now, with both miscarriages and after 7 and 9th baby...major hemorraghing issues, twice 2 weeks later. Very scary and not fun. It takes a toll on ones energy levels too. Not an issue for you?
Wishing you much strength, patience and wisdom as you raise them all in the fear of His Name. From one blogging mom to another! (-:
our address is http://jasonandirma.blogspot.com
That was a very thoughtful post. I try to keep those things in mind during the harder parts of pregnancy...how blessed we are to be able to carry a healthy baby to term, so many women would love to be able to do the same. I have never had a loss, but I remember my mother having 4 losses and how devastating it was to her and how much I knew after that, a pregnancy was not to be taken for granted. Thank you for the reminder...
I do hope you are blessed with at least one more, since that is your heart's desire.
Oh, I remember with Audrey, knowing it had to be the last, being afraid to even breathe funny.. Those spirits of fear and anxiety are pretty powerful, but God has all the more power, and you're so right, what would we do if we didn't have our beliefs? Our only true comfort comes from God.
I was able to hold William tonight, while he was fussing, and I'm sorry, but he was pretty sweet, I really don't mind babies crying. I feel bad that I can't do enough for them, but they're so adorable.. His momma said yes, he's cute now, but when it's 4 in the morning, it's not so cute.. she doesn't realize how quickly it'll pass, and how fast they grow up!
Thanks for sharing such a honest & genuine post. Each child is a gift from God - no matter how long they live on the earth - whether it's hours or years.
I agree, we take so much for granted when we are younger. After my first m/c I never looked at pg the same...each day was a gift. Thanks for sharing that beautiful post.
when i read this i cried. i know i have never had a child before, but i cant even imagine what it would be like to loose something like that. i mean, an infant, something that you have been carrying and caring for inside of you. i could only imagine it as loosing a part of yourself and loosing a love. i mean, the bond between mother and child are one of the greatest loves. i hope i never have to bear such a tragedy as this, i don't think i could do it. you are so brave in so many ways, in a way i could say you are on of my heroes. thankle you.
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