just want to cry and hibernate...

As the day wore on yesterday, I got hopeful. I shall spare the details, but I started thinking things were going to be okay...then, this morning, blah, it is heavier.

If I had to title the month of August, it would be, "The Ebb And Flow Of Blood And Hope." And July would be, "The Month Of Bliss And Ignorance Of What Lies Ahead." But there is still a small part of me that hopes against hope to rename this month, "Hallelujah, The Baby Thrives!"

Emily has the day off, and asked what we are doing today. Well, I am lying low, in case this whole thing snowballs and I have the kind of miscarriage that makes being anywhere in public terrifying. I told her she could take the big van and take the kids on an adventure if she wanted. She is such a very special and wonderful daughter. She took Jonathan home with her last night, with his garbage bag full of bedding and his pillowpet. Jon loves his big sisters more than anything. I am thankful that they give him the time of day, and more.

I have continued taking Rosie on her morning walks, trying to walk as briskly as I can, because it is the only exercise I have done since last Friday. I think it is good time to sort of take it easy. I am still losing weight, small amounts, but still, the scale is moving down.

The practical side of me is saying that if this pregnancy is doomed, let's get it over with, so we can get on with life. I don't like limbo, I don't like taking it easy, I want to do fun things with the kids, I want to go in the pool. Yesterday I had to explain to Margaret that I don't really even want to go sit in the sun, it gets so hot when I can't go in the pool, so could she please watch them in there for me?

And I think I will be okay if I am indeed losing this baby. I reason it out, and I will be okay. Then I go and burst into tears. I cry about everything. I read in the paper that the Army purchased millions of dollars worth of body armor for the soldiers in combat, and now they are confessing it wasn't properly tested, and may be defective and not work properly. I cried. Those poor guys. Then the kids in Joplin, Missouri are starting school...their schools were destroyed in that tornado, so some of the kids are going to school in an old mall. But the United Arab Emirates donated laptop computers to all the students. Why did that make me cry? I don't know. The unexpected goodness, maybe?

Anyway, life goes on, thankfully. There are worse things than losing a baby. I guess. I have all these kids, and I am enjoying them. Last evening we had hot dogs cooked on the grill, they are local hot dogs, big and yummy, Hoffman's. They taste like summer. (although it is hard to enjoy with no bun, as I don't eat them anymore). We also had some pasta salad and green beans from the garden. We ate out on the deck, where the little girls were playing, "Aquamarine" with their Barbies. They filled three coolers with water and were having their dolls be mermaids...

Paul and I went to the town meeting, which was our "date". I need to get "better" so we can go away for a few days. blah.

We all have our trials in life, and I am sorry if I complain too much about mine. It helps to write on here though. My daughter Abigail hasn't been feeling well lately, and I worry about her. She is 24, and she was born with Pulmonary Stenosis, which is a blockage in the pulmonary artery. She was followed by pediatric cardiologists for all her childhood, and the blood flow was sufficient, so the dr.s didn't do anything. Well, the last visit showed the blockage had gotten a little bigger. She has been tired and lightheaded, so her new adult cardiologist thinks it might be time to do something, but he is getting a second opinion, sending her last echogram to some other doctors. So she waits and tries not to worry, and is tired. I told her to make sure she takes her daily vitamin with iron, and doesn't eat too many carbs, and gets some exercise, but still, I worry about her. She lives with Emily in a little apartment a few miles down the main road...but she is still my little girl.

Well...the princesses are now fighting over dollhouse stuff. They get along so well 95% of the time, but the other five, watch out! It is like they just get it into their heads to argue, and they bicker and fight over everything. Whine and complain and fuss and butt heads...then it blows over and they are best friends again.