Miss Camille is a true joy to her Mama. She cuddles and hugs and tells me she loves me. But yesterday she patted my tummy and said, "There is a teeny tiny baby in here, and when it comes out, I am gonna hold it like this, very carefully.." She cradled her arms and smiled down at the imaginary baby...then she turned and smiled at me, and said, "I get to hold your new baby, Mama!" blah. Who in the heck told her this?
I haven't said much to the younger ones, only that the baby was very small and I don't know what is going to happen.
I know I am foolish, but I still have a teeny tiny spark of hope that this bleeding is just bleeding, and that little one is still alive and fighting in there.
We shall see.
Emily took these kids to the beach yesterday. She stopped at a store and bought lunch, including those awful oatmeal cream cookie things they love. Then she took them for ice cream on the way home. They came home sticky and happy and full of stories.
We had taco salad for dinner, with tomatoes from the garden, yum. Emily and Abigail were both here for dinner, so it was pleasant. Aaron made some decaf again, and we some of the kids had brownies or ice cream sandwiches. Nine or ten of us sat around the table solving the worlds' problems. These nights are precious ones, once school starts and the college kids start getting homework, they will fade away.
Paul starts a week of vacation, on vacation starting today after work. I wish I was more fun this week, blah.
Who keeps messing up this house? Now that the kids' rooms have been cleaned so thoroughly, I go in every day and pick up a few things so they stay that way, and I try to keep it picked up around the living room and kitchen...but jeepers! It is an exercise in futility! Some of the kids ask why I bother, when it will just get messy again. Well, do YOU want to drown in messy? 'Cause it will happen! I don't like messy.
We don't have many plans for Paul's vacation, except for some one dollar bowling. We had been planning to take off for a few days together, but I don't know if I am up for that. I know he wants do get a few things done around here. As for me, I like having him around, but I feel guiltier sitting around when he's here, I don't want him to think he goes to work and works hard, and I am a lazy bum. ha.
So today is my last day "off" for a while, ha.
One thing that is killing me is not being able to go swimming. I love going in that pool with the kids. I feel like I am getting pale and lethargic, although I still go on my walks. Maybe I will treadmill just a little today.
Mirielle and Aaron had to leave before 6am this morning for an early class. They are very fortunate to be going to college together, they share books, and only pay $40 a month to park in the nice closeby garage, because they "carpool". Mali rode in with Emily this morning, since her class was much later. Mali is only 17, she doubled up and graduated high school a year early, and still has to take lots of pre-reqs before officially starting the nursing program. Joseph is doing his pre-reqs at a different college, but will be starting school with Mali next year, hopefully.
Yesterday when Aaron and Mirielle got home, they made brownies and iced coffees. They must talk all the way home about what they are going to devour when they get in the door. Then I sent them to the grocery store, along with Joseph, who had to go to the small city to drop paper work off at the college. They came home with a few extras, but got the things on my list. I am afraid if I go out in public, I will have the dreaded gush, which I have had with my previous miscarriages but not yet with this one.
Oh well, summer is still here, I am still alive and well, and God is still good. I don't want to waste time feeling sorry for myself, although I do feel very sorry for myself. The clay has no right to direct the Potter, yet I still am tempted to ask God WHY He would put me through this...thankfully, I know He sends all things for my very best.
One thing that has crossed my mind this week after seeing that delicate little heartbeat, is HOW in the WORLD can a woman possibly voluntarily have an abortion? How can one seriously think that is okay, that it is right?
I almost wish I hadn't had that sonogram, hadn't gotten to see the heart beating. It makes the loss all the more painful. Because I am 99% certain it is going downhill, yet...we shall see. I do find comfort in the fact that God knows the beginning and the end of all things, we people just have to wait it out.
Thank you thank you thank you so much for the encouragement and for the prayers! It really helps! Our momentary light afflictions don't always feel so light and momentary, but knowing that our sufferings are mutual, that I am not the only one, is a great comfort.
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11 comments:
praying for you. There is this 1% hope this is actually going better..
Praying. Just praying. You are so strong. Your faith in God is a beautiful thing that serves you well. Be at peace.
Hello, my friend.
This is the first time I have been to your blog. My name is Kathleen. My blog is Art's Chili Pepper. My friend emailed me last night and asked me to contact you to offer you comfort and encouragement.
Last July we suffer a miscarriage with our 8th child. It was a very debilitating time for our family. God was so good to see us through it. Then in November we found out we were expecting again. Only two days later I started bleeding, just like when we had lost our last child. I went through much the same thing as you have written about here on your blog. It was a time when we really had to lean on God. On July 2nd, our daughter was born a month premature but healthy and strong. As a matter of fact, I need to go nurse her right now so I can write all that I would like to tell you. I would like to share her story with you in hopes that it will be a blessing and encouragement as you wait. Here is a link to the post on my blog.
http://artschilipepper.blogspot.com/2011/07/winnies-story.html
If you would like I will point you to other posts that might be a blessing to you at this time. I didn't want to take time to paste a bunch of links here in case you weren't interested.
One thing that seems silly but that stuck out at me from your post was the way you said one of the things that bothers you is not being able to swim with the kids. After our Carmella was born, and I was going through the bleeding stage, I was so discouraged that I couldn't be with the other kids. We love summer and spend our days, and often nights, in the pool together. I just kept seeing summer tick away without me. I am getting sad now that there is just 2 weeks of summer left here in Maryland and I missed so much of it. June was spent resting... this was a very hard pregnancy... and July was spent recovering and August here has been unusually cool and not very good for swimming. As I said, that is all silliness to focus on but for a mama, like you or me who loves to be with her kiddos, it seems a great loss.
Praying for you and your little blessing,
Kat
PS... my email button is on my blog if you would like to contact me privately.
Kat, thank you so much for sharing your story! It is encouraging. I did have a similar situation with our last child, Camille - I thought I had lost her, the dr. confirmed that, I had bled so much! I went in for a visit a few weeks later, preg. test still pos., went in a few weeks later, STILL pos., a blood test...then the dr. called and said come right in, those numbers are high. Sonogram: there she was, happy as can be. So I do have some hope here...thanks!
Have you thought of contacting your doctor directly? I just wonder if they can use hormones to keep the pregnancy viable? Sandy G
Hang on to that hope! Praying for a good outcome for you.
It's been a while since I've posted a comment, I've been having trouble signing in to leave one :S
But I wanted to share my story of my last baby with you to also try to give you a little hope.
He was my 4th pregnancy, and my other three pregnancies had gone very smoothly. When I hit 5 weeks with my 4th pregnancy, I started bleeding. And this may be TMI, but it was literally dripping out non stop. I called my doc and he got me in for an u/s and warned me that it could be too early to see a baby anyway, but that it didn't sound promising. I was so so sad and convinced that this baby was not going to make it.. there was just too much bleeding! Went for the u/s and they couldn't see anything at all. Had another blood test and numbers were still indicating I was pregnant. So my doctor asked me to come back in two weeks for a follow up u/s. So two weeks later at 7w 2d, still bleeding quite a lot, I went back for another u/s and there was baby! I was VERY surprised, as I had convinced myself that I had lost him. I bled from the 5th week right through to about 18 weeks, like a non stop period. I am surprised they haven't asked you back for another ultrasound! I would be asking for one, as well as bloods done to confirm either way. Limbo is no fun :( Hugs, and I still have hope for your little baby! xoxo
I am praying for you. I know this road is hard and sad. Keep strong, God loves you.
I'm praying for you and the little one inside your belly. At this stage in pregnancy, it's all in His hands. I remember that in all my pregnancies, during those first few weeks where you just aren't quite sure that all is progressing as it should be, I found comfort in knowing that except for keeping myself healthy and praying, there's really not anything else that I can do to keep that little baby alive and growing. It truly is up to God. We just have to trust that everything goes according to His plan.
Oh, and a HUGE congrats, Kat, on your sweet little garden of joy! Cath, that is so very encouraging. I am due for another sonogram next Friday...which seems like an eternity from now!
Wow, that far away?? :( They couldn't get you in sooner? I'm still praying for your little bub.. I'm hoping, seeing as you have not mentioned bad cramping, that it may just be a subchorionic hematoma, which is what happened to me (by the way, my boy is now a handsome and VERY healthy 5 year old!)
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